=====>Jokes<=====

[Oldfart]

Number 2000 for the thread.



I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Euros.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat Euro fo Yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[Oldfart]

Old Rabbi Moiskovitch was due to retire. His wife, to get together a truly memorable gift for his retirement, went to the local leather worker
with a jar containing every foreskin the Rabbi had ever removed. The leatherworker said he’d think of something.

The following week she went back to him to see how the work was coming along. He reached under the counter and pulled out the most wonderful wallet
tanned and inscribed with Talmudic texts and pictures. Mrs Moiskovitch was greatly impressed, then on reflection said, “It’s really good, but is this all I get for
a half century’s circumcisions? It’s really quite small.”

“Small?” he replied. “Give it a rub and you’ve got yourself a suitcase.”

[dicksbro]

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

----------

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

----------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

----------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

----------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

----------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

----------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

----------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.."

----------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
\
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

----------

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Oldfart]

Always goodies.

[scotzoidman]

An Irishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The Irishman replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Oldfart]

In Oz, we'd tell that as a Kiwi joke.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

[dicksbro]

That reminds me of the guy who came home from a round of golf and his wife asked him how he did.

http://bestsmileys.com/sports2/3.gif "Well, it was going pretty well until the fifth hole, then, ol' George had a heart attack and keeled over. After that, things went from bad to worse. It was hit the ball and drag George, hit the ball and drag George."

[Oldfart]

I heard he was a drag.

[txgrneyes]

>
> I had lunch
> with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
> mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were
> chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
> by
> wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
> notes.
>
> Here's how it all went.
>
>
> My engaged
> friend:
> The other night when
> my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice,
> tall
> stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my
> dreams. I love you' and we made love all night
> long.”
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at
> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a
> raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he
> didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
> night.
>
> Then I shared
> my story:
> When my husband
> came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
> stilettos
> and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me
> he said, “What's for dinner,
> Batman?”

[txgrneyes]

A skinny little
white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big
guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little
guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big guy says:
"I saw your curious look and
figured I'd give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me
I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch private, my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet
Jesus, I thought you said,
Turnaround."

[Oldfart]

Bitchin'.

[Oldfart]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles supermarket.

The husband goes into the liquor area and picks up a slab of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down, we have a husband down!'

[jseal]

Two Saudis boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine on temporary duty orders sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,

"Why does it have to be this way?

"How long must this go on?

"This fighting between our nations?

"This hatred? This animosity?

"This spitting in shoes




















... and pissing in cokes?'

[jseal]

(Sing It!)

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[Oldfart]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[adampatric]

Great Writer "There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........

[dicksbro]

Widdle Wabbit



A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Lord Snow]

Lmao!

[Oldfart]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

[Lord Snow]

That's both amusing and cute.

[dicksbro]

I thought these were cute.

----------

Murphy’s Sex Laws

1. There is no remedy for sex, except more sex.

2. Sex has no calories.

3. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

4. The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

5. Nothing improves with age.

6. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

7. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty – only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

23. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

24. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

25. There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex. But there’s nothing exactly like sex.

26. Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.

27. If the efforts that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon.

28. Love is a matter of Chemistry; sex is a matter of Physics.

29. Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey its full meaning.

30. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

31. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

32. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

33. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

34. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.

35. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

36. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

37. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

38. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

39. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn’t love her.

40. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

41. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

42. Love comes in spurts.

43. The world does not revolve on an axis.

44. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

45. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

46. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

47. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool, when they fall in love.

48. Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

49. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[dicksbro]

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[jseal]

... The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
I have watched that performance once or twice. :yikes:

[jseal]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Gumbint and How Gubmint Works


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

HELLO! Anybody Home?

:(

[Oldfart]

Lub dat Gumbint.

[Lord Snow]

I find that quite amusing. Especially since I did not vote for this administration.

[Oldfart]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Oldfart]

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

[dicksbro]

The young man took his blonde girlfriend to see her first American football game. After the game he asked her, "Well, did you enjoy the game?"

"Yes, very much," she replied. "Although I don't know why they try so hard to kill each other for a mere 25 cents."

Bewildered by her comment he asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Well," she said, "before the game they flipped the quarter and all through the rest of the game the fans kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

:faint:

[Maleslut1186]

this joke is better verbally but what the heck



One the first day of the school year, the new third grade teacher is taking attendance. Reaching the f's she sees the name Fuckhour, Johnny. SHe calls his name Fuckhour, john and he replies present. "Now Johnny "she says "this can't be your real last name it is a joke, tell me your last name. "
Little Johnny replies " No Miss Jones it isn't a joke that is me real last name"
"Johnny do not lie to me or you will get detention !"
" Miss Jones that is my real name,my brother dave is the the fifth grade, you can check if you don't believe me."
After class Miss Jones is in the teacher's lounge and meets the fifth grade teacher Miss Smith.After explain about little Johnny's prank on her she asks " Miss SMith" she says " do you have a Fuckhour in your class ?" To which she responds " Hell no we don't even get a coffee break !"

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Cute :D

[Oldfart]

At the end of their long, intense Catholic education, Sister Beatrice called the girls to assembly one last time.

"And finally girls, society judges harshly any sign of moral laxity. Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime's regret?"

A little voice drifted up from the back of the hall, "Please Sister, how do you make it last an hour?"

[dicksbro]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[dicksbro]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[dicksbro]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[dicksbro]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[dicksbro]

A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

[dicksbro]

An 84-year old lady just got married for the fourth time to a funeral director. After the ceremony the minister asked her about her first three husbands.

"Well, the first was a banker ... very well off. And, the second was a performer and a good one, he used to practice his routine all the time. The third guy was a minister and, of course, my latest is a funeral director."

"Interesting," replied the minister. "What made you marry men of such widely divergent professions?"

"Well," said the lady, "It was one for the money and two for the show with three to get ready and four to go."

[Oldfart]

Wrong Truck
Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said: "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy, or a girl." answered the hitch-hiker. "Don't matter, I'm gonna screw ya anyway."

[dicksbro]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged himand said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on... take a guess!

Think about it!

You're going to love this!




Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

[dicksbro]

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

[dicksbro]

Just in case you need a laugh (some sounded familar, but they're worth reading again):

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[dicksbro]

A dad and mom had a son but the poor little boy was born with no torso, or arms or legs ... just a head. Obviously, the little guy couldn't do much, but his dad tried to be a loving father and one day, when his son turned 21, he decided he'd take him down to the local bar and get him his first drink.

So, tucking his son's head under his arms, he made the trek to the bar and ordered a drink for his son. When he got the drink, he gave his son his first taste of alcohol and ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... all of a sudden a torso appeared. Startled, the other patrons saw what happened and burst into a round of applause.

The dad, equally dumfounded gave his son anoither drink and ... again ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH, out spang the boys arms. The patrons all rose to their feet and applauded wildly at this miracle. The father, too was totally awe struck. He decided to give his boy the rest of the drink even though his son was now getting pretty tipsy. After all, it was his very first drink. Still, he took the glass in his new hands and downed what was left.

WHIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... two legs appeared almost by magic. The bar went wild with people clapping and cheering and celebrating this wonderful turn of events. The dad, totally thrilled by what had happened, helped his son to his feet. Obviously, with the drinks and the new legs, his son was at first pretty unsteady, but, in a little bit he kind of got himself together and told his dad he was just going to step outside to see how that felt.

He stepped out the door and accidently stepped off the curb when a truck came speeding up and hit the poor boy doing him in.

The father was grief stricken. The bartender came up and put his hand on the dad's shoulder and absent mindedly said, "I knew he should have stopped while he was a head."








:yikes:

[PantyFanatic]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"No way, not a chance, it's 3:00 in the morning!" says the husband. He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory, remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

:wink:

[Oldfart]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[PantyFanatic]

:thumbs:

[Oldfart]

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum...

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Lord Snow]

Amazing what skipping a few words can do isn't it?

[Oldfart]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

[Oldfart]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

[Oldfart]

A repeat, but worth it.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'


The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

[PantyFanatic]

:thumbs:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines"
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta South Carolina . Enjoy!


1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[PantyFanatic]

How could those miss? :confused:




Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[PantyFanatic]

Meet Coldwater !

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h102/PantyFanatic/ColdWater.jpg

[Oldfart]

PF, Coldwater's giving me one of his dark looks!

[PantyFanatic]

I believe he's part bear and thought you were from Queensland. :bite:

[Oldfart]

Set him straight for me.

I've travelled through Queensland, even spoken with inhabitants, even visited Toowoomba, but he should be able to tell, for goodness sake, like, I mean, well he just aught to be able to tell, y'know?

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:





She's going to get you for that! :roflmao:

[Fangtasia]

*is lost* *L*

[PantyFanatic]

^^^


:doorpeek:

[Oldfart]

Best left that way. LOL

[Oldfart]

The ten most appropriate used of the "F" word.

10th - "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the fuck are we?" ˆ Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is gonna find out?" - Tiger Wood, 2009.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
OMG! One of the best in a long time. My checks are cramping from laughing so hard. :rofl:

[Booger]

The Honorary Degree

A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition."
"What's the condition?" asked the U.T president.
"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor's of Transportation."
The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you."
The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree."
Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?"
"Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"

[Lord Snow]

Lol.

[Oldfart]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat, and bingo, she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxamilion,
invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July
17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the
electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air
Conditioner,'on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so
to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.

[PantyFanatic]

OOOOOoooooooooohhhhh. Somebody catch that shaggy dog. :banghead:




















:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Booger]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing... "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It IS dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[Lord Snow]

^^^^^^^Patriotism at it's finest folks. That is the American dream.

[Oldfart]

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young
man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was
absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind,
loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her,
he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released having been rehabilitated.
Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to
such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster
like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[jseal]

Woot! :thumb:

[jseal]

The last question was “Where do women have the curliest hair?”


... apparently the correct answer is Fiji .

[Oldfart]

Lol

[Booger]

A Cow, An Ant And An Old Fart

A cow an ant and an old fart are debating who is the greatest one among the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 50 liters of milk every day, and that's why I'm the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

[Oldfart]

A teacher asks a blonde uni girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome times."


Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

[pinkFlames]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Lol! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Oldies and goodies.

[Oldfart]

Scottish insults: never piss of a Scotsman.


She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty! (Sooty is a Brit handpuppet)

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clowns pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Piss flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked m re times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

[jseal]

^^ Wow! That's harsh!


... funny, but harsh.

[Oldfart]

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.

[dicksbro]

They do have a way with words, don't they? :yikes:

[lafehubert]

[QUOTE=dicksbro]EVER WONDER?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's called taxes.

[lafehubert]

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?








A: A boner.

[Oldfart]

I'll go to hell for this.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

[jseal]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor or send an e-mail.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Booger]

The Lie-Detecting Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[dicksbro]

:yikes:





:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

[Oldfart]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked
her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers,
rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps.
"How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man.
"These are my khakis".

[Oldfart]

I went into Hungry Jacks the other day and, as
I was ordering, two Muslim women walked in.

I saw they had the most colourful garments from
head-to-toe and I immediately thought to myself........

"The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Have you applied to be their ad man?

[Oldfart]

AMAZING WORD TRICKS


A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other fucking hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that???

[Lord Snow]

Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Oldfart]

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in
Dublin was drinking in Donohue's pub in Merrion Row when he gets a
call on his mobile phone.



He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for
everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce
just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a
typical Australian baby boy.



Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.



Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.



Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets
about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how
much does he weigh now?



The proud father answers '17 pounds"



Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born.

.
.
.
.
.
Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ..............
"Had him circumcised mate"

[Booger]

a few quick ones

Two women were having lunch together and were discussing cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa!", replied the first woman. "I just can picture your husband as a blonde."


How is a Scotsman different from a Rolling Stone?
The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"


During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
Her husband replied, "Yes, honey. That was the happiest hour of my life."

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Wisdom




A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'




With age comes wisdom.

[Oldfart]

This is my total stock, love it or not.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Oldfart]

I found this going through an old thumbdrive.

I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed this one.

[Lord Snow]

I get it.

[Oldfart]

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Good lesson.

[Oldfart]

Apparently the Recession Cut Deeper Than We Thought.

BBC/AP— LONDON , UK (August 18th)

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins
a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February
from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years
of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members
and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told
the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause
of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a
kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to
have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their
operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the
emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know
what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise .

[dicksbro]

OMG! :roflmao:



When all the virgins are gone ... does that mean we'll have peace?

Q: How long does it take to make a virgin?
A: Oops! Too late.

[Lord Snow]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The
bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers!

[PantyFanatic]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

[Lord Snow]

I've heard that one before, and it's still funny......and TRUE!

[dicksbro]

Love it, PF. :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician

is

0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups,

is

1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner

is

.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

to this

alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention!

[Lord Snow]

LMAO! I'm sending that to people.

[pinkFlames]

:rofl:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dm383]

Lovin' it PF .... but, going by the figures given re doctors, each one is responsible for 5.83 accidental deaths per year, NOT 0,171!

Gimme another gun, quick!!

DM

[PantyFanatic]

120 / 700 = 0.171 no? :shrug:


I had to run the numbers myself LOL

[Oldfart]

It means that each doctor kills someone every 5 years or so.

Do doctors have a bag limit?

[dicksbro]

Since they still get their bills paid ... that's kind of like getting a bounty for each one ... isn't it? :shrug:

[dm383]

120 / 700 = 0.171 no? :shrug:


I had to run the numbers myself LOL


:huh:

Yes.

What a dunce I am!! That's what comes of drinking on an empty head!!

DM

[dicksbro]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao:

[Lord Snow]

I think I have neighbors like that.......LOL

[gekkogecko]

Life is a joke. Death is the punch line.

[sodaklostsoul]

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal..??' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I..??'

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: That's funny.

[Lord Snow]

Hmmmmm.......very interesting. Guess he isn't going to get chinese food for a week.

[WildIrish]

Two Native Americans and an Irishman were walking through the woods when all of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering: 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!'
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler: 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting.
Just then, they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped and hollered: 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking: 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might: 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' and like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read:
'NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!'

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[Oldfart]

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign, as the song goes.



TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[dicksbro]

http://eightsolid.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/which-way-can-i-go.jpg

[Oldfart]

I have days like that.

[Lord Snow]

If you can't go up, down, left or right.....can you go straight?

[pinkFlames]

What's one to do? Teleport or something.

[Oldfart]

We'll check when Scotty gets back from the pub.

[Lord Snow]

He never has enough power to do anything though.

[jseal]

If you can't go up, down, left or right.....can you go straight?
Perhaps they mean go away?

[Lord Snow]

No that sign says "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." or "Forget the dog, beware of owner."

[dicksbro]

Signs reminded me of a story Justin Wilson (cajun cook) told. He was out on a back road in Louisiana and came to an intersection. Not sure what way to go, he asked a little boy who was standing by the road.

"Where to I get to if I go straight ahead, son?"

"I dunno."

"Well, what if I turn right?"

"I dunno that, either, mister."

"Okay, how about if I go left?"

"Beats me."

Frustrated with the lack of a good answer, he asks, "What if I turn around and go back the way I came?"

"Not sure."

"You sure don't know much, do you, son?"

"I dunno, but I'm not lost."

[dicksbro]

How about another example?

http://eightsolid.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/5.jpg

[Oldfart]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Fook off" say's Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[Oldfart]

A dog lover, whose female dog was 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next (even though it was very late), she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing of the phone will make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked on me" he replied.

[Oldfart]

A Solicitor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Solicitor looks down in horror.

'FUCKING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

[Lord Snow]

Sounds about right. Lol.

[Oldfart]

You have to love British humour!




These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!



FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.



FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.



**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Oldfart]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one
had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen
any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Oldfart]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.


Here's the hat.

[Lord Snow]

I want that hat.

[Lord Snow]

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them..

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

[Oldfart]

The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

[dicksbro]

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They`re called `gays` or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as `lesbians`.

You probably won`t believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman`s private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"

[dicksbro]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don`t know, but I`ve never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let`s have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what`s with that group ahead of us? They`re rather slow, aren`t they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that`s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That`s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I`m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there`s anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can`t these guys play at night?"

[dicksbro]

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertable infront waving their arms about having an arguement of somesort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"Whats that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies,"Its a bug."

Then she says,"That bug sure has a big cock!"

[dicksbro]

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it. There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine. There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat stumbled as it went for the mouse and ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GE WET!!!

[Lord Snow]

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

[Oldfart]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[Oldfart]

A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, Ididn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

[nikki1979]

^^^^^^^lmfao^^^^^^^^^

[dicksbro]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' :(

[Lord Snow]

LMAO. That's a good one.

[Booger]

When Insults Had Class


1. In the mid- to late-1800s, British Parliament members William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli not only belonged to opposing political parties, they disliked each other intensely. One day, while Gladstone was giving a major speech on some issue near and dear to him, Disraeli was kibitzing throughout the speech, drawing laughter from the Parliament members. Aware of this, Gladstone was getting angrier and angrier until he could no longer hold his temper. Pointing directly at Disraeli, Gladstone angrily exclaimed: "You, Sir, will either die in the hangman's gallows or of some unspeakable disease!"

Disraeli was on his feet in an instant and replied: "Only, Sir, if I embrace either your policies or your mistress."

2. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approve of it." -- Mark Twain.

3. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

4. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating.

5."He has delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr.

6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it." -- Moses Hadas.

7. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde.

8. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop.

9. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West.

10. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Winston Churchill's response: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

11. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill.

12. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow.

[Oldfart]

If only my mind was that quick.

[Oldfart]

A man applied to become a Policeman.


The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[dicksbro]

:confused: CONFUSED :confused:

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired another farmer’s bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

[Lord Snow]

Why does that seem to make so much sense? LOL.

[Oldfart]

Bohica.

[Oldfart]

These are just sad. I left the worst out, but PM me and I'll flick them to you.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's
iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Darwin but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?". He said "Her brother's got a moustache".


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Oldfart]

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a jetty on the Nerang River.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived

I’m beginning to think, I've wasted a stamp!

[jseal]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota . He said that since
early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.


The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Oldfart]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:Hello. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No,my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Apple Mac?

COSTELLO: I dont want an apple and I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Your Desktop and Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: What do I want to be looking at my desktop and the wallpaper for if Ive just bought a computer! Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Howcan I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' ...

[Lord Snow]

Costello sounds like my father. He doesn't know anything about computers. LOL.

[dicksbro]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:Hello. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No,my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Apple Mac?

COSTELLO: I dont want an apple and I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Your Desktop and Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: What do I want to be looking at my desktop and the wallpaper for if Ive just bought a computer! Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Howcan I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' ...

:roflmao: Cute.

[Oldfart]

This is one of the best emails I have received in a while!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

[sodaklostsoul]

Both of those were too funny!!!!!

[Oldfart]

This has been posted before, but worth another shot.

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

[Lord Snow]

Sounds good to me.

[Oldfart]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did..... *


FIRST TESTIMONY: *
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better. *


SECOND TESTIMONY: *
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with mens balls" *

THIRD TESTIMONY: *
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. *


FOURTH TESTIMONY ** : *
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter. *


FIFTH TESTIMONY: *
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! *


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: *
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Oldfart]

This is the most obscure joke I've read in ages.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar doing what he does best - philosophising. He's had a few pints of ale over the course of the evening, and it's now last call. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

[jseal]

Philosophy jokes are like that. :)



So a string walks into a bar, gets drunk, gets into a fight, and ends up on his ass out in front of the bar with the bartender shouting “... and I won’t be having any strings in here again!”

A week goes by, the string gets paid, and wants to get a load on. Remembering the bartender’s parting words from the week before, the string grabs the top of himself, makes a big loop, which his lower half then jumps through. The string finishes off his disguise by unraveling some of each of his ends.

Sure enough, as soon as the string walks back into the bar, the bartender looks, squints because he’s not 100% sure of himself, then says, “Hey! Aren’t you that string from last week?”

And the string replies,











“I’m a frayed knot. I’d like a beer.”

[Oldfart]

Always loved that one.

[dicksbro]

Me too! :D

[jseal]

Speaking of Philosophy humor (which we were not) I just read the most delightful cause of the death of Bishop Berkeley: Divine neglect! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

And just to prove I'm philosophically bankrupt, a blonde joke.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'


'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'


'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.


So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

[Lord Snow]

A blond walks into a bar.....the end.

[Oldfart]

Two Irishmen walked into a bar . . . . you'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^^

=====

ENJOY – A Blonde’s Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won’t fit in printer!!!


March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’


April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!


May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!


June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.


July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!


August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.


September
The capital of California is ‘C’.....isn’t it???


October
Hate M & M’s.....They are so hard to peel.


November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!


December


Couldn’t call 911.
‘Duh’.....there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO FAR


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong?’


To which she replied, ‘There certainly is!’
‘My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL!’

[Booger]

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry
her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

-- Question: What was in the prince's pants?
-- Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
-- What were you thinking, you perverts? Hehehe!

[dicksbro]

^^^^ I love it! :D

[Oldfart]

A late Xmas joke.

How does Santa like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

[dicksbro]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too!

PS If I'm not posting tomorrow, you'll know my wife read this. :D

[Lord Snow]

Lol.

[Oldfart]

I am so glad I didn't tell that one.

[Oldfart]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[dicksbro]

Three very elderly ladies: Gertrude; Felicity and Olivia, were all sitting on a park bench when a guy in a raincoat came up; faced them; and opened his coat ... flashing the ladies.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Felicity also had a stroke.

Olivia, on the other hand, complained because she couldn't reach. :shrug:

[Oldfart]

And he was a handsome lad.

[Oldfart]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[Oldfart]

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before"

[Lord Snow]

LOL. Good one.

[Oldfart]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however,

the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough

so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

[Oldfart]

A truckie who had been out on the road for three weeks stopped

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walked straight up to the Madam, dropped down $500 and said,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam was astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. '

The truckie replied, 'I'm not horny . . . . .......... I'm homesick.'

[Lord Snow]

Lol.

[Oldfart]

A tough, really-tough biker was riding his Harley across the Golden Gate Bridge, when he saw a girl about to jump off. He stopped.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, could you . . . well, you know, give me a kiss?"

So, she did and it was a doozy of a kiss -- warm, sensitive, loving and gentle, that actually left the guy glassy-eyed and slightly disoriented.

Afterward, jaw hanging open, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever gotten in my whole life! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous! Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^ Oops!

[Oldfart]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Houston, Texas, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweiser drafts, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to Australia next month," says John. "We go there every year, rent a car and drive for days. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, good old Oz!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The outback, the beer, the barbies, the babes, the mates..."

"Nah, we don't like that Aussie crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Buds, that's us, ain’t it Jim?
And we don’t care for the Aussies-- they're so vulgar and arrogant, and they shorten every word."

"So why keep going there?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Lord Snow]

Ba Dum Ching

[dicksbro]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Houston, Texas, and park themselves on a bar stool.
.....

"So why keep going there?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[Oldfart]

Good one DB.

[dicksbro]

Isn't it amazing how a non-joke can still be funny. :D

[Oldfart]

This was supposedly written by John Cleese. It's amazing. An oldie, but a goodie.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.





Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.


While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

[BamaKyttn]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE




...and other women make fun of me because I carry a male-style bi-fold wallet. Honestly, most of the crap women carry in their purses is just that, crap. I usually have chap-stick in my pocket, change in my other pocket and my wallet which has identification, cash, and my bank card. honestly what else do I need? and -gods forbid- if I'm wearing something without pockets I either have a jacket of some sort or a male escort i trust so they can hold my wallet and chapstick, funny thing men don't complain about holding a wallet that's like theirs kinda like they don't mind holding my dogs leash while i go into a shop to attend natures' call since my dog is a big macho malinois not a shih-tzu.... so many women told me that these things would "scare away" men and unless i became more feminine i would never find a man who wanted to be with me. >rolls eyes<

rarely prissy,

Kyttn

[dicksbro]

;)

[lafehubert]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining.
That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots."
The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone.
Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

[Booger]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservations who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than yo have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if it worked, the man went home, showered, shaved, too a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3-for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition -- because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Oldfart]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus ".
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[Lord Snow]

A blond calling her mom

"Hi Mom, How are you?"
>>
>> "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
>> Hardware."
>>
>> "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone
>> call."
>>
>> "What happened?"
>>
>> "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
>>
>> "What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
>>
>> "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[Oldfart]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Oldfart]

In hindsight, I should have updated my facebook status as;

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford,"

rather than

"I've just fucked a 13 year old Escort."

Still, I haven't been out much lately so a few hours at the police station was a pleasant change.

[dicksbro]

:faint:

[Oldfart]

The Facecloth


As stated by a woman :-

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am .

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

[Oldfart]

A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He whispers back, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[dicksbro]

When's the funeral? :shrug:

[Lord Snow]

Right after he finishes his beer.

[Oldfart]

I'd love to see the coroner's report.

"Your Honour, I removed approximately 38 full bottles of beer from the victim's rectum."

"Rectum, Mr Coroner?"

"Sure did, your Honour."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
"They've lost the plot".

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70. "Bugger this", I thought, "I can get one
cheaper off the web".

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an tow truck parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "That
guy's heading for a breakdown".

[dicksbro]

An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...


Watch out for the OLD guys!

[Oldfart]

I want an appointment with her.

[dicksbro]

You're just wanting to practice counting, aren't you? :rolleyes2

[Oldfart]

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

They said “Is this your wife sir?”

Shocked I answered “Yes”

They said “We're afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality & she’s good with the kids”.

[Oldfart]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this................................)



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'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian' .

[Oldfart]

While creating women, God promised Adam that good and ideal women would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

[Booger]

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that -- The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[dicksbro]

:faint:

[Oldfart]

Aqua!!!! Lilith!!!!

Booger's throwing Pie Thagarouses at me again.

What do you mean, take two aspersions and call me in the morning?

[Lord Snow]

Booger, I must say that is a terrible math joke.

[Oldfart]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....