=====>Jokes<=====

[scotzoidman]

May he ^^ rest in pieces...

[Oldfart]

Heard this last night, took ages to remember.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One said to the other,

"Let's go in and get shit faced."

[Oldfart]

If you can read this without laughing you must be devoid of laughter
cells......









This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could
say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting
the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right
bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty
Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name
was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin
and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back
by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball,
Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock
struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran
out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that
fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had
lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success
and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had
bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on
Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome
hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[Oldfart]

The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-Decker bus for a weekend trip. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of
the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having
a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!

[Oldfart]

The creation.......by an Australian








In the beginning God created day and night.* He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.


He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,* - swimming* and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans* for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth Day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer* cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes* He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good ... well ... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.* It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[pinkFlames]

Sounds about right!

[Oldfart]

Aussie troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following: 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF. . .'





Subject: You may be Taliban, if . . .





1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your back side with your bare left hand, but consider bacon '
unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[dicksbro]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

[Oldfart]

Good one.

[dicksbro]

The SETTING : Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :
* Miss America
* Miss Spain
* Miss Britain
* Miss Philippines
* Miss Iran
* Miss India

QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands everytime it sees a woman ... (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN: Because it charges everytime it sees an opening. (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance. (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION: And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back door ... (Applause! ... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION: Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night ... (Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh ... well, of course, ... hee hee ... I can say that male organs in our country are like chismis ...
QUESTION: Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry ... It's like, ahh like ... it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION: Hmm ... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy ... nervous!!! Hee Hee! Because ... I mean ... because it passes from mouth to mouth. (STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!)


(Found this on another site submitted by someone with a nickname of "squirt")

[Oldfart]

If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

[dicksbro]

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[dicksbro]

Birds of a feather flock together .......and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

[dicksbro]

How proud of your children are you?


One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful, how much does he send you?'

The old lady said, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That is an honorable profession,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The old lady said proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.' :p

[dicksbro]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all
my patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[sodaklostsoul]

How proud of your children are you?


One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful, how much does he send you?'

The old lady said, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That is an honorable profession,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The old lady said proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.' :p
MEOW!!!!

[Oldfart]

This one is particularly Australian, but if you substitute your least favourite female politician, it'll work for you too.

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam
Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing
labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a
bloody truck hit us.'

[Oldfart]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'


The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday..'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit..'

[Oldfart]

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[dicksbro]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. - Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

[WildIrish]

A man walks in to a bank, pulls his gun out and demands money from the cashier. When he's finished collecting it, he turns to the person in back of him and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" The person says "Yes, I did" and in response, the robber shoots him.

The robber then turns to the next person in line and asks her "Did you see me rob this bank?". She says "No, but my husband did."

[scotzoidman]

Missed this when it was posted, but I have some more to add...
If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

How many lead singers does it takes to change a light bulb?
Only one, she grabs the bulb & waits for the world to turn around her.

How many bluegrass pickers does it take to change a light bulb?
7, one to change the bulb, & the other six to complain that it's electric.

How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
No one knows...

Didja hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the van?
Took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.

[dicksbro]

MAKING A BABY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kisse d his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But If we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love To be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my> equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[dicksbro]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'*

[Oldfart]

Buzz Lightyear?

[dicksbro]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[sodaklostsoul]

A new supermarket opened recently town.> It has an automatic water = mister to keep the produce > fresh. Just before it> goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder > and the smell of = fresh rain.> When you pass the milk = cases, you hear cows mooing > and you experience the> scent of fresh mown hay.> In the meat department = there is the aroma of charcoal > grilled steaks with> onions> .> When you approach the egg = case, you hear hens cluck > and cackle, and the air> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and > eggs = frying.> The bread department = features the tantalizing smell > of fresh baked bread and> cookies.> I don't buy toilet paper = there
any > more.

[sodaklostsoul]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I
> >want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
> >The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
> >kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat
> >tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
> >
> >'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
> >headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
> >crisp bacon.
> >'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
> >
> >She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and
> >gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
> >
> >She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
> >headlights and running boards,you might as well gas up!
> >
> >FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

[sodaklostsoul]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first! kid says, 'A circumcision'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

[Navarre]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[Oldfart]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand
his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL,
bsp; light-speed processing ....and,' pausing to take another drink of
beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little prick, what
are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens.

[Oldfart]

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young,
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.





They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[Oldfart]

Something to offend everyone.


Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is
crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die
you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'


_____________________________________________


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in
Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the
part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,
gets in the car and fucks off.



___________________________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have
Urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the
mosque.





==========================================================

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of
Me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said,
'Fuck off it'll be too painful',


Now who's laughing'

[osuche]

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

[Oldfart]

Truer words ne'er spoke in jest?

[jseal]

Truer words ne'er spoke in jest?
One can but hope.

[scotzoidman]

The concept is growing on me, but I'd have to emigrate...plus there's a big embargo potential running thru the West, unless Canada wants to join New Calif...

[Oldfart]

It's funny, now it seems the North wants to run away from the South.

[Oldfart]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decided to go on a picnic. So Mick packed the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.



The trouble was the picnic site was ten miles away so it took them ten days to get there.



When they got there Mick unpacked the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'



'I didn't bring it,' said Les. 'I thought you packed it.'



Mick got worried; He turned to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'



Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they were stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.



Mick and Alan begged Les to go back for it, but he refused, saying they would eat all the sandwiches.



After two hours, and after they had sworn on their tortoise lives that they would not eat the sandwiches,

he finally agreed. So Les set off down the road at a steady pace.



Twenty days passed and he still wasn't back and Mick and Alan were starving, but a promise is a promise.



Another five days and he still wasn't back, but a promise is a promise.



Finally they couldn't take it any longer, so they took out a Sandwich each and just as they were about to eat it,


Les popped up from behind a rock and shouted........



















'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!'

[Oldfart]

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,


'Judy .Judy!'

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'


'That's wonderful! What's it like?'


'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
- lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'


'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Port Macquarie.'

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^^

[FlirtWithMe]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: @ the tortoise joke ^^^ :p

[Oldfart]

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne . The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.'

[Oldfart]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland .
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy
did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'
said.....................






wait for it!










wait for it!




















************************






OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

[dicksbro]

In Chicago, a truck carrying a load of Viagra was hijacked. Police believe the crime was commited by hardened criminals.

[Oldfart]

**ALL PUNS INTENDED "*

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a

family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would
make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Oldfart]

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!



T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, was asked

on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of

torture of the Iraqi prisoners.


His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous

applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save

just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[wyndhy]

:yikes:^^

knock.
knock.

[Lilith]

Who's there?

[Booger]

some of these may have been posted before but are still funny



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy n ightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.







A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course , he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters & nbsp;
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'






A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'






Fifty-one years ago, Herm an James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[FlirtWithMe]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy n ightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Oldfart]

Be careful what you wish for.

[ShadowDancer]

Kinda Reminds me of PF....

2008's First Christmas Joke:


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins.....

[PantyFanatic]

Santa love to give gifts and even likes to get them.


http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h102/PantyFanatic/pantycls.jpg

[Oldfart]

Did you hear about the man who . . . You have?

Sorry.

[wyndhy]

Who's there?
centipede

[PantyFanatic]

Centipede who? :confused:

[Oldfart]

I know (snigger snigger).

You can have it wyndhy.

[Oldfart]

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato Garden, but it was very strenuous work as the ground was rock hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie

Because his mail had been censored at the prison, at 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[wyndhy]

I know (snigger snigger).

You can have it wyndhy.
:p:D
Centipede who? :confused:

centipede on the carpet again this year.

[Oldfart]

The version I heard was "centipede down the chimney and wet aaaaaall the presents".

[Oldfart]

I just thought I'd try this.

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_hVOW2U7K4-M/STB4n2q_IaI/AAAAAAAAtNs/vBkLNXI246Y/s640/infiniete-mathematicains.jpg

This one's for PF and the numbers folk.

[Oldfart]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church .
One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
















'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao:

[ShadowDancer]

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back t o bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ' Dad , I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.

The little boy replies,
The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

[PantyFanatic]

I just thought I'd try this.

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_hVOW2U7K4-M/STB4n2q_IaI/AAAAAAAAtNs/vBkLNXI246Y/s640/infiniete-mathematicains.jpg

This one's for PF and the numbers folk.
Just be sure you are at the head of the line if you are thursty. :cheers:



;)

[Oldfart]

Guido, the Italian lover



The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'

[Oldfart]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

[Oldfart]

Subject: Fw: Being a Grandparent


1. A grandmother was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times
before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little
one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash
her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious,
her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond
I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The
little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure
wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do
you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my
halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing
a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied.
'I can't read.

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
so I decided to test her. I would point out something and
ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It
was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!'

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we
kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear,Grandpa,' he
advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.'

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?
''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public
servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young
boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full
of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties.' They use him to keep crowds back,' said
one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child
brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly,
'to find the fire hydrants.'

[Oldfart]

Phone Call.

(him) Darling, I'm putting up the Xmas tree and I've found a present I meant to give you last year.

(her) Oh, darling, so thoughtful.

(him) I miss that kitten.

[scotzoidman]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

[campingboy]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

[dicksbro]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Kurt and his wife, Leigh Ann,
listened to the instructor declare,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Kurt leaned over, touched Leigh Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Kurt's life of celibacy.

[dicksbro]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the
White House in D.C.; One from Illinois one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky. They all go with a White House official to examine the
fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I
can do this job for ! ! $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me.'

The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White
House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire
that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works ! ! !

[Booger]

I Don't Wanna Work

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as alumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian- until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[jseal]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

[scotzoidman]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

[dicksbro]

BANNED FROM WALMART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

[Oldfart]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took almost 45 minutes to restore order.

[pinkFlames]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[Oldfart]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.



She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.



'You ok?' she says.



'Yes.' he says.



'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.



'It's best I stay here' he says.



'Why?' says the blonde.



The boy says: 'Because, I'm the fucking goalie'

[dicksbro]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says,"You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

Just send him down here with$1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doingson?" his father asks.*

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."*The money promptly arrives. But, our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.*

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"*

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with
that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that &%@*!& before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois .

[dicksbro]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

[dicksbro]

Just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

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'That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

--Al Gore, Vice President

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'I love California I practically grew up in Phoenix '

-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[dicksbro]

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?????????

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU ! TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YO! U KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A shit BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB !!!!!

[pinkFlames]

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

[Oldfart]

And? You left out

"You mow the lawn and find a car."

[pinkFlames]

Er, what's a "lawn"? :(

[scotzoidman]

Those last two posts actually made me laugh out loud.

OF, sounds like an idea transported from the rednecks...

[Oldfart]

Scotz,

The "You know you're from Darwin" quote has much in common with the redneck version.

Sadly true is the one where "You companion plant dope and tomatos and make more from the tomatos."

[dicksbro]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, " Crap "

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool fo r testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '"Son-Ova-Beach" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, now hiding somewhere under the bench .

[dicksbro]

Being a Grandparent...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I conti nued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm
four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!'

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[Oldfart]

Absolutely no connection.

[Oldfart]

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. - 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
----------------

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. - 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups,
is 1,500.


(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI
---------------------

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN...
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on
Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention!

[Oldfart]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.


Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'

[IowaMan]

The Stuttering Kitty

A teacher is explaining biology to her 2nd grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!' the Rottweiler ate her.

The teacher had to leave the room.

[dicksbro]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[dicksbro]

Got these from another Pixie and I love them ...


1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's...

[dicksbro]

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!

[dicksbro]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dangit " woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :

'Only when he's been drinking.'

[dicksbro]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[Oldfart]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savoir?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Chris t!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[dicksbro]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate..

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

[Oldfart]

Ah yes, the tender heart of Management.

[dicksbro]

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class adn that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss..

I just told her First Class isn't going to Houston.

[jseal]

Good one! :rofl:

[Oldfart]

I wonder where First Class ended up?

Took a left at Albuquerque?

[dicksbro]

Took a left at Albuquerque?

Duh, what's up Doc?

[Oldfart]

Duh, what's up Doc?

Better ask Nurse, she has the X-rays.

[Oldfart]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say 'Well, - whatcha gonna do about it?'

The little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time', the bikie says, 'I didn't think you'd CRY. - I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life', says the little guy between sobs.

'I've got to admit it - I'm a complete failure -I just can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home..

I found my wife in bed with the gardener - and then my own dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink - I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve - then you show up and drink the lot! '

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Booger]

Laughs for Seniors





An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns
to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now
and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple' s
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally
said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to
someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's
the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that n ight, while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
ys, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of
ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc :
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto
a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Oldfart]

Soon, not yet, but soon enough.

[Oldfart]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. ' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Lord Snow]

Makes you wonder how many time little Johnny's parents have been called in to the principle's office.

[Oldfart]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'

[scotzoidman]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price..



Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it
home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I
have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think
for $500, they'd at least iron it !'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin.

[Oldfart]

Wake to be advised?

[Oldfart]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walked even further back behind their husbands, and seemed to appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said...

'Land Mines.'


The moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go)

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

[pinkFlames]

So true.

[Oldfart]

Is this just a sick coincidence?

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig -
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.


Next year is ...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[Lord Snow]

An increase in viagra sales?

[Lord Snow]

A guy goes into a drug store and starts wandering up and down the aisles. Soon a sales lady asks him if she can help him find something. He tells her he's looking for tampons for his wife. She points him down the correct aisle and tells him if he needs anymore help let her know. A few minutes later she's at the register and the guy walks up with a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. She gives him a puzzled look and says she thought he was looking for tampons. The guy replies, well the other day I sent my wife out for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of loose tobacco and rolling papers because "it's sooooo much cheaper." So I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

LS, you're just stringing us along.

[Oldfart]

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

[pinkFlames]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......'

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

[Oldfart]

The Dentist




A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.




The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocating me!'




The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.. I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'




The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'




'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth.

[dicksbro]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......'

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

:roflmao: Good one! Thanks. :thumbs:

[Booger]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light Brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a Computer magazine. He immediately notices a young Woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car And gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting A pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The Young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

[Lord Snow]

Lmao. I'll have to remember that one Booger.

[Booger]

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[Oldfart]

I've heard that


*choke*


our favourite


*choke*


Kermit the Frog


IS DEAD!!!!


His last


*choke*


words were . . . . . . .











Bitch pig told me she was clean.

[Oldfart]

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.

[Oldfart]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my
officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the bastard told you I was speeding, too.

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
Coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Lord Snow]

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pinkFlames]

:rofl:

[Booger]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Babara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Well said.

[Oldfart]

THIS IS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE TASTE.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning
and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Mourning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

---------------------------------------------------


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me,

pass the parcel was quick!!!

------------------------------------------------------

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,

"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says,

"You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies,

"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse", but you said,

"fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


--------------------------------------------------

I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

--------------------------------------------------


I went to see the nurse this morning for my
annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine
you!"

-----------------------------------------------------

I was walking down the road when I saw an
Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,

What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

-----------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend and I were having sex the
other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the arse, pulled out, and
came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


-----------------------------------------------------


A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat
Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch."

-----------------------------------------------------

Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.

Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a
shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing again.

The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy says it again.

The black guy is royally pissed off by now.

He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same

thing to you and you can see how it feels."

The black guy storms out and the Chinese
guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells,

"Gimmie a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"

---------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off."

[Lord Snow]

OF, those are horrible, racist, stereotypical, perverse, and absolutely wonderful jokes. LMAO. Just the thing to read after a hard day at work.

Now for one that was sent to my via text:

This guy had a girlfriend who after sex loved to stroke his balls. One day he finally asked her why. She smiled at him and said, "Because I miss mine."

[BamaKyttn]

ok........ donning my flame proof garters..... these are awful, horrid, and in poor taste. LordSnow, his father and I found them pretty funny!




Farrah Fawcett reached the pearly gates and Gabriel greeted her. Saying he was a big fan of her work he said he would like to grant her a wish. "I wish for all the children in the world to be safe." was her only reply. and Gabriel said "Done!"






Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with HIM for a change.



Do I think he did it? honestly thats between him and his higher power. these are jokes. be entertained, or ignore it.
>hides<

[scotzoidman]

Almost ashamed of myself for laughing at all those.


Almost...

[txgrneyes]

COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT WOMAN
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately got up and moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came to court. The judge asked the man, (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will Reduce the Swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT you Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...." I just lost it"

CASE DISMISSED

[txgrneyes]

The mystery dollar
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!
remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.

Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.
They each got back $1.00 in change. That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00. The pizza delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the hell is that other dollar?

[txgrneyes]

A riddle for the intellectually minded.


At the exact same time, there are two young men (20 years old)
on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers

The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>

Answer:



Don't look down!!!!

[txgrneyes]

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to Learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.

Your Husband


When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

[txgrneyes]

Guess what I am????

THIS TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF <8> INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.


WHAT AM I???????



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........










































TOOTHBRUSH......... :-)))))

what were you thinking you pervert!!!

[PantyFanatic]

I heard they are going to send Michael to Lego. He has enough plastic in him they can make blocks, then little boys can play with him for a change.

[Lord Snow]

PF, look a few posts up. Bama beat you to that one a few days ago. I still find it funny though.

[PantyFanatic]

I see.:o

I knew those jokes would come, but not that quick. I thought I was hearing the first one...... or they been written and just waiting. LOL

[Oldfart]

The mystery dollar
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!
remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.

Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.
They each got back $1.00 in change. That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00. The pizza delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the hell is that other dollar?

The statement that they paid $9 is incorrect, they paid 1/3 of 25 (8 1/3) and were give $1 each, bringing it to 9 1/3 accounted for.

[scotzoidman]

An Amish farmer walking through his field
notices a man drinking from his pond, with
his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht
das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben
in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink
the water. The cows and pigs have pooped in it!)"

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't
understand, nor do I care to understand your
gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[jseal]

From my bro, the Col...


Bro's,

Remember:

-Marines don't go hunting. Hunting implies a chance of failure. Marines go killing.

-When Marines do push-ups they don't push themselves up, they push the earth away.

-Marines have been to the Virgin Islands. That's why they are now simply referred to as "The Islands".

-Marines don't wear watches. They tell you what time it is.

Semper Fi,
Minimus

[Lord Snow]

That sounds like Chuck Norris jokes. Still funny though.

[dm383]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'


(OF/Sharni - real-life guy?)


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[jseal]

LOL! TY dm383. :)

[Lord Snow]

I'm sending that friends and family. To funny not to.

[Oldfart]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'


(OF/Sharni - real-life guy?)


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Cosgrove is real, but I read this attributed to a Yank a few years ago.

There is a trend to Australianise interesting American or British stories.


"A college girl" becomes "an Australian girl" etc.

[scotzoidman]

Cosgrove is real, but I read this attributed to a Yank a few years ago.

There is a trend to Australianise interesting American or British stories.


"A college girl" becomes "an Australian girl" etc.
It's cool to be Aussie again, isn't it...

[Oldfart]

It's cool to be Aussie again, isn't it...

When was it not?

[scotzoidman]

When was it not?
uuuummm...couple weeks ago, I think you were having a coffee break... :shrug:

[Oldfart]

I'm in England at the moment, you know, the long dark coffee-break of the soul.

[Oldfart]

Did I tell you about a postcard I saw?

It had a typically 1950s kitchen scene, her over the stove and him looking on.

She said "What brings you home at 7 in the morning?"

He said " Breakfast."

[CuteCoupleOz]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

:blink:

[dicksbro]

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[dicksbro]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

[dicksbro]

"Vegetarian: Old Indian Word for 'Bad Hunter'"

[pinkFlames]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

At my age I can't keep up. Anything I learn will be obsolete before I can apply it.


(Thought this was funny however it really hits pretty close to home for most of us.)

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me abreak. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this thing. His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair' look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked ove r the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to
his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad."

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter an d Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Jill, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I Check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Have a nice weekend

[Oldfart]

Yes.

[scotzoidman]

A Salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.



It's opened by a twelve year-old boy who has a cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Playboy Magazine tucked under his arm.



Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"



The little boy responds: "What the fuck do you think!"

[scotzoidman]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'


'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'


'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.


She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

______________

Reporter interviewing an elderly woman asked, 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'


She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

_______________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, tTake 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia & poor circulation. Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

_________________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

__________________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

__________________

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

__________________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

__________________


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

[PantyFanatic]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'



The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance'.
:thumbs:

[Oldfart]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up
outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed
the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and
took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT
my Flight Instructor?

[Oldfart]

I apologise in advance for this one.









Mexican Words O f The Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

[Oldfart]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.


The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless started up
conversation.


The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the
whole bread?


The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course".


The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia ."


The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence!


The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"


Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."


Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Australia ."


The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"


The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."


The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"


"We throw them away of course." replied the American.


Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't in Australia !


We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States .....that's why its called Wrigley's."

[Oldfart]

Pixies, deal with caution.

[dicksbro]

Pixies, deal with caution.
^^^^ :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[dicksbro]

I LOVE IT! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist shop and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.

[dicksbro]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter
asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

[Oldfart]

Sadly close to the bone.

[scotzoidman]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist shop and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.
Good one, but...















:eew: :eew: :eew:

[scotzoidman]

A minister was going out of town and made a reservation at a motel with special requests.

When he arrived to check in he asked "I hope the pornography channel is disabled."

The desk clerk looked at him with amazement and scorn, said "No, you sick bastard, it's just normal people"!

[scotzoidman]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[Lord Snow]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Must have been a blond.

[Oldfart]

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' .

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you, party with friends, drive fast cars, travel a lot, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...




'Then, why do you even give a shit if you live to be 80 or not?

[gekkogecko]

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!".

[Oldfart]

Halleluja!

[Oldfart]

FATHER OF THE YEAR


A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[Lord Snow]

Here's your sign.

[Oldfart]

Where?

No sign of the sign.

[Lord Snow]

No, Bill Engvall has a series of jokes under the heading of "Here's your sign." The way I read that joke it sounded like one of his.

[Oldfart]

No sign of Bill Engvall in my horizon.

[dicksbro]

:rolleyes2

We're going to pass a health care plan
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,
signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong? Somebody's going to end up telling us this
was all just a joke ... right?

:shrug:

[dicksbro]

During A Recent Password Audit, It Was Found That A Blonde Was Using The Following Password:

Mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofy



When Asked Why Such A Big Password, She Said That It Had To Be At Least 8 Characters Long.

[Oldfart]

Yes, but the punchline won't hit for seven years.

[Oldfart]

Green Tree Snakes, can be dangerous.
A couple in Lismore, N.S.W. had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa..

She let out a very loud scream!

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests, and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and a paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. The man broke his leg and is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green tree snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again came out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the electricity, and disconnected the telephones in a ten city-block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV, and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

[Oldfart]

Look closely, very closely at this picture.

We'll discuss it tomorrow.

[Lord Snow]

I hope to hell you want us to find what I found.

[dicksbro]

I love the background. :)

[Oldfart]

For those of you who cannot tell the difference between an arse and an armpit, well, what can I say?

[dicksbro]

There was an armpit in the background? :yikes:

[Maleslut1186]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Maleslut1186]

:rolleyes2

We're going to pass a health care plan
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,
signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong? Somebody's going to end up telling us this
was all just a joke ... right?

:shrug:


Republicans do not believe government is the answer to any of problems and should to do as little as possible and that most or all of its functions should be performed by the private sector.
SO they run for office effectively saying we can't govern and don't believe we should govern and people vote for them ?
It's as if I applied for my job as a mechanical engineer with a resume that stated I don't beleieve in physics.

[Oldfart]

The joke's on us.

[jseal]

Republicans do not believe government is the answer to any of problems and should to do as little as possible and that most or all of its functions should be performed by the private sector.
SO they run for office effectively saying we can't govern and don't believe we should govern and people vote for them ?
It's as if I applied for my job as a mechanical engineer with a resume that stated I don't beleieve in physics.

I suspect that it is presented in the sense "That government is best which governs least (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civil_Disobedience_(Thoreau)#.22That_government_is_best_which_governs_least.22)", rather than advocating "do the wrong thing - vote for me". It is an interesting read. Thoreau argues that people should not permit governments to make them the agents of injustice. Limited government (certainly in comparison to many other democracies) has characterized the US since its inception.

[Oldfart]

Minimal government has led to the excesses of the past few years.

There is a "sweet spot" where governance and capitalism should meet, but no-one can agree where it is.

[jseal]

... There is a "sweet spot" where governance and capitalism should meet, but no-one can agree where it is.
That is why multi-party democracies are essential.

[scotzoidman]

All right, what have you guys done with the joke thread? Cheezncrackers, I can't leave this place for a couple of days without everything going to hell?!

[jseal]

Two women meet at the Pearly Gates ...

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Amanda.

2nd Woman: Hey there! I'm Elaine. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How Horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him alone in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So, what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Oldfart]

Two Kiwis walked into a baah.

[dicksbro]

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

[dm383]

Two Kiwis walked into a baah.

Oh ewe! :baa:

[scotzoidman]

More shear foolishness, sounds like to me.

[Lord Snow]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned, the mother said, 'Why yes...... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?'

[jseal]

Times are tough this year. One of my neighbours has had to cut way back.

[Oldfart]

Poor bugger.

[scotzoidman]

Quite ironic that I'm admiring a copycat for his originality... :huh:

[dicksbro]

This is cute ...

-----

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph..

(Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop...

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

[Oldfart]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with knee and my
swing, but I think I've got that right now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all
right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of
the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice, and
play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and again I
play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?', asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole,
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole-----is that a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for
that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'



Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[jseal]

:thumbs:

[txgrneyes]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to

the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the

trunk. .







I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of

my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't

believe it!







They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching

drivers..







To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men

which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course,

traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving

like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he

was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here? '



'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '



I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!'

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A blond goes into the post office and asks for 50 Christmas stamps.

The clerk asks her, "What denomination would you like?"

The blond replies, "My God, has it come to that. Okay, give me 22 Catholic, 18 Lutheran, 6 Baptist and 4 Presbyterian."

[txgrneyes]

SOMETHING YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW . . .

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dicksbro]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.


And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. - Ahmen!!!!!!! !!!
4. Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n..): A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

They also asked members to take any word from the dictionary, alter it adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, right?
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[Oldfart]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"





The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"





Johnny: "TIGER WOODS …………………… CAN I GO NOW?

[Lord Snow]

Lol.

[Oldfart]

But wait, there's more.

[Lord Snow]

LMAO. I love it.

[Oldfart]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says, "Tits."

[dicksbro]

Years ago, when there were flight service stations:

TriPacer 3438A: "Chicago area radio, this is TriPacer 3438A requesting a practice DF steer to Joliet."

Chicago: "38A, we are very busy now and unable a to provide a practice steer. We can only respond to a lost aircraft."

[pregnant pause]

TriPacer 3438A: "O.K. 38A will take one of those."

[Oldfart]

What's the vector, Victor?

[dicksbro]

Vector varies, Vance. :)

[Oldfart]

Vector varies, velocity vital.

[Oldfart]

There are some really nasty things in the water up here.

[dicksbro]

True, but what's life without a few risks? :shrug:

[dicksbro]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 of the moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Lord Snow]

Good date gone bad.

[Oldfart]

She's VERY glad to see him.

[dicksbro]

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas...

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball
and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well,Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:
"All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football"
John Heisman

[Lord Snow]

I like a few of those. Like the "Lads, you're only to miss practice if your parents died, or you died" and "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football."

[Oldfart]

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."