=====>Jokes<=====

[dicksbro]

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.*** When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.

[PantyFanatic]

Good points DB, but why did you post that on the 'Jokes' page? :confused:

[dicksbro]

Would a fitting reply be ... I forget? :confused:

:D

[jseal]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I've heard of that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[Teddy Bear]

jseal..... good one .... lol

Thanks!

[dicksbro]

A paraprosdokian - is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:** (Some familiar ones, but lots of new ones, too!)


1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice — I'm not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[dicksbro]

THE PREACHER AND THE MUSIC DIRECTOR

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song, "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

:yikes:

[dicksbro]

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[dicksbro]

Moral of the Story is?

Okay, for my third joke of the day ...


Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly.

Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it.

There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine.

There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GET WET!!!

[PantyFanatic]

.....Always keep your condoms in your car.

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Phyllis Diller Quotes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.*
*
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?*
*
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.*-

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
*
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.*

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.*
*
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.*

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.*
*
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.**
*
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.*

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.*

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.*
*
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.*
*
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -* keep away from children.*

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.*

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

[dicksbro]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
*
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
*
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.* I can't stand to see a man crying."
*
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.* I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
*
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!* But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[jseal]

Give that biker a Darwin Award!

[Oldfart]

We don't want him here in Darwin, jseal.

[jseal]

... and you'll for sure not get him.:)

[Oldfart]

:)

[dicksbro]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged His faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent." :yikes:

[jseal]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me ... I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

[dicksbro]

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful
eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I
applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye....

2.* My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72.* My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." *The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I
really think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says
I'm 4 to 6." *(WOW!* I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" *"It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. *"Sure," said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks
and they blame their dog.

[dicksbro]

Subject: Male logic

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.* In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a*step-up*interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?

[PantyFanatic]

I like ^ it. :rofl:

[Oldfart]

Me too.

[dicksbro]

He was happy about the hole.

She was happy about the thing..

:shrug:

[dicksbro]

The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman. .. .. DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?

The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied:

NO. .. .. STATE FARM.

:faint:

[PantyFanatic]

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"It's on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

They continue on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That’s him, lying there in Aisle 5....

[dicksbro]

I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, but in the end I was deranged.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I was at the store late the other night. When it was time to pay for groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security going too far, I did just as instructed. When the shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I learned that the cashier was referring to my credit card.

[PantyFanatic]

I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, but in the end I was deranged.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww :faint:

















:rofl:

[Oldfart]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww :faint:
:rofl:

Sounds like the Paris River Swimming Club. An in-Seine exercise.

[dicksbro]

How did he put it ...

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww :faint:

Something like that anyway.

:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" :vamp:

The meeting never really got back to order.

[dicksbro]

LOL! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

(Some of this sounds familiar and so it may have been posted before.
Anyway, I thought it was cute enough to use again. :shrug: )

[PantyFanatic]

......(Some of this sounds familiar and so it may have been posted before.
Anyway, I thought it was cute enough to use again. :shrug: )
Truths that apply every day are always to see. :thumb:


:rofl:

[dicksbro]

I especially liked this one ... Earth is full. Go home.

[dicksbro]

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines.

One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE."

That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.

The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." Underneath the sign stood one man.

He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line."

The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here." :faint:

[dicksbro]

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

:yikes:

[dicksbro]

There are 3 blondes still in the mothers womb. one day they were thinking what they would do when they grow up.

The first blonde thinks hard and says that she wants to be an electrician to get some damn light in here.

The second blonde thinks just as hard and says that she wants to become a plumber to get rid of the water in here.

The third thinks real hard and finally says that she wants to be an exerminator.

The other 2 looked at her like she was crazy and had to ask, "WHY?"

"So i can kill that dang beaver that keeps sticking its head in here!.

[PantyFanatic]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick" :whack:

[BIBI]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving powerlines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up i wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

[PantyFanatic]

....They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience..... ROFLMAO :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges .....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought ..... "Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money ! !"

[dicksbro]

I thought these were cute ...

1.* HOW* DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO** MARRY?*** (written by kids)***

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.* *
--* Alan, age 10*

-*No* person really decides before they grow up who they're* going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.* *
--* Kristen, age* 10****
*
2.***WHAT IS* THE RIGHT AGE TO GET** MARRIED?****
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.**
--** Camille, age 10**
*
3.** HOW CAN A* STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE** MARRIED?****
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be* yelling at the same kids.*
--* Derrick, age* 8****
*
4.***WHAT DO* YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN* COMMON?***
Both don't want any more kids.*** *
--* Lori,* age 8****
*
5.***WHAT DO* MOST PEOPLE DO ON A* DATE?****
-Dates are for having fun, and people* should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.* *
--** Lynnette, age* 8*** *(isn't* she a treasure)*

-On* the first date, they just tell each other lies and that* usually gets them interested enough to go for a second* date.**
--* Martin, age* 10****
*
6.***WHEN IS* IT OKAY TO KISS** SOMEONE?*** *
-When they're rich.* *
--* Pam, age* 7*

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to* mess with that.**
-* - Curt, age** 7
*
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. * *
-* - Howard,* age 8****
*
7.*** *IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?****
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.**
--* Anita, age 9*** (bless you child )**
*
8.***HOW* WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE* DIDN'T* GET* MARRIED?*** *
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?**
--* Kelvin, age 8****

And the #1 Favorite is*........****
*
9.***HOW* WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE** WORK?*** *
*
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like* a dump truck.
--* Ricky, age* 10**

:D

[PantyFanatic]

The #1 favorite :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

[dicksbro]

#8 was one of my favorites. :D

[PantyFanatic]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests, what is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before to the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he' impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. He again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye, and says, "READ MY LIPS!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... BRING POSSE :argue: "

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: That's hilarious! :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?" :wobbly:

[dicksbro]

Sly devil using the old Oxygen Mask routine. :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas! :D

[dicksbro]

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA.

But her father said ` No Way! You`re going to By-God West Virginia Univ.`

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to, a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence.

Her father said ` I`ll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you`re marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.` So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned.

Dad said ` Where is your sister?`

They replied ` We were almost there Daddy and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read `Clarence 13`6`` so we turned around and got the hell out of there.`

:faint:

[PantyFanatic]

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now." :eek:

[dicksbro]

I knew I should have bought that condo in Billings. Rats. :(

[PantyFanatic]

For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase. Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin’ me.' :eek:

[dicksbro]

Pretty sharp madam! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Firm THIS Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."

[dicksbro]

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
*
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.* *
*
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?* 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. *
*
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!" *

[dicksbro]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[PantyFanatic]

Too true. LOL

[dicksbro]

Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.

'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.

'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy.

'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'

'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'

'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my lovely sister all the time.'

[dicksbro]

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'

'I'm sorry sir, I...........'

'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

[dicksbro]

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

[dicksbro]

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

[dicksbro]

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'

Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up.

'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'

Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.

'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

:faint:

[dicksbro]

What did our parents do when they were bored with no internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either!





(I bet that one got a rise out of you guys!) :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Yep.

[dicksbro]

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

Well," she said. "I didn`t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

:yikes:

[PantyFanatic]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Toronto.


They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.


The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me , but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in." :yikes:

[dicksbro]

^^^^ See, good reasons are possible for just about anything. :)

[PantyFanatic]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you,
too!"
:kissass:

[dicksbro]

:yikes:

:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with
groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

:)

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: It is disgusting when someone does that, isn't it?

[jseal]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Lab and asked, "So why are you here?"

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said

The Black Lab turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

[PantyFanatic]

rofl :thumbs:

[dicksbro]

I love it, too. :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

It's a dog's life.

[BIBI]

That is so bad. :cheers:

[PantyFanatic]

:nod:

[PantyFanatic]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your

church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[dicksbro]

:D Love it! :D

[dicksbro]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ?????***** *
*
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
*
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
*
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
*
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
*
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs * (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
*
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
*
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery * (So true)
*
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
*
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
*
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow * (Simple, but brilliant)
*
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U * (wtf!)
*
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
*
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
*
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. * (That would work)
*
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
*
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
*
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.** (Irrefutable)
*
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight * (brilliant)
*
AND THE BEST IS LAST:::
*
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. * (now we’re getting somewhere)
*
*
OMG!...... Our society is doomed!

Sent to me by my brother-in-law.

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[PantyFanatic]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

“I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Now that's a good one! :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive
holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
property."

The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

[BIBI]

Yuk yuk yuk. Lol :wine:

[dicksbro]

A paper route!! :roflmao: ^^^^^

[dicksbro]

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertible in front waving their arms about having an argument of some sort.

Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"What's that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies, "Its a bug."

Then she says, "Wow! That bug sure has a big cock!" :faint:

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[dicksbro]

10. Why it`s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

[dicksbro]

How men can make women happy - the point system

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don`t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that`s the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it`s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it`s all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It`s called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn`t matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"

You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

There, guys ... now you know. :shrug:

[dicksbro]

We Met at the Bar
**
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me* I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too.* Are you federal or state?”

[PantyFanatic]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said .............

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? :o

[jseal]

Excellent! :thumbs:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Great one, PF!

[dicksbro]

A blonde walks into a porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.” :irish:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry...

[PantyFanatic]

OH YAH!!! :roflmao:
That's one just may be one to keep in mind. ;)

[PantyFanatic]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.) :nod:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Love it!

[dicksbro]

She Was Soooooo Blonde

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

[dicksbro]

After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm* sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

:yikes:

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl: truer than we want to talk about.

[dicksbro]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[dicksbro]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[dicksbro]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a
call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the
work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.*

Helloooo! just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him* just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...

... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Well, it's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.*** I bet he felt like an idiot.

[PantyFanatic]

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died.


Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance; to find
a wife to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may
look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.



Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at estate planning than men. :)

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A Soviet scientist came to England for a visit. On the evening of his first day in England, he went to a restaurant. A waiter approached him and said, “Sir, here is a note for you.”

“From whom?”

“The table at the window.”

“But there’s nobody at that table.”

“Right. They gave me this note and left.”

The note was in English. “Translate it,” the guest said. The waiter read the note, his face became pale and he said, “Sir, it’s an ultimatum. You have just five minutes to leave. Please, leave at once.”

The scientist paid hastily and left. He returned to his hotel and asked the man at the front desk to translate for him the note. The man read it, his face displayed fear, and he said, “Please, Sir, you must leave our hotel at once! Hurry, please!”

The scientist hurriedly collected his belongings and left. In the street, he approached a bobby and asked to translate the note. The policeman read it, opened his mouth, and then said, “I am sorry, Sir, you must leave England immediately. Please, don’t argue, you have just a few hours to leave the country.”

Frightened, the scientist rushed to the nearest port, purchased a ticket, and boarded a ship bound for Russia.

When in the open sea, he made acquaintance with the captain who knew English. The scientist showed the note and asked to translate it. The Captain became pale. He changed the course of the ship, headed to an uninhabited island and told the scientist to leave the ship at once.

On the island, the scientist encountered numerous hardships, and barely survived until, three years later, another ship came by accident and took him aboard. He returned to Leningrad, where he enrolled in the University to study English. After a while, already capable of understanding English, he remembered about the mysterious note, and found it on the bottom of a drawer. All characters on the note turned out to be obliterated by rain.

[dicksbro]

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

“Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?”

“Yes, I do a little.”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”

“If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes, a little.”

“Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”

“Then I shall cease drinking.”

“Comrade Ivanov, what about women?”

“A little….”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”

“If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”

“Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?”

“Of course. Who needs such a life?”

[PantyFanatic]

HA HA ^^^ :rofl:
but........... I have to come back to the Soviet Scientist. :confused:

[PantyFanatic]

When God sends help, don't ask questions.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."


She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.


She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man."

"I just got out of prison last week; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?! :D

[dicksbro]

A professional!! I love it! PF, you have a great day!

[dicksbro]

What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

[dicksbro]

What do you do in case of fallout?





Put it back in and take shorter strokes... :faint:

[jseal]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: Love it! :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

MURPHY'S OTHER 14 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it for the other foot.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

[dicksbro]

HS Reunion*

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
*
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
*
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.*
*
Wife turns to her husband and says,
"See that guy?* 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."*
*
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
*

[dicksbro]

Why studying is better than sex-1

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don`t have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don`t finish a chapter you won`t gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don`t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don`t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren`t sure what you`re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

[PantyFanatic]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Al commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives”

Eugene said, "I'd like them to say -- Look, he's moving!'"

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: I like Eugene's answer. :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

Did You Ever Wonder Why Earrings Became So Popular With Men?



A Man Is At Work One Day When He Notices His Co-worker Is Wearing An Earring.

The Man Knows His Co-worker To Be A Normally A Conservative Fellow And
Is Curious About His Sudden Change In "fashion Sense."

The Man Walks Up To Him And Says, "i Didn't Know You Were Into Earrings."

"don't Make Such A Big Deal, It's Only An Earring," He Replies Sheepishly.

His Friend Falls Silent For A Few Minutes, But Then His Curiosity
Prods Him To Ask, "so, How Long Have You Been Wearing One?"

"ever Since My Wife Found It In My Truck."

I Always Wondered How This Trend Got Started :)

[dicksbro]

So that's how it happened. :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? :confused:

A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children. :)

A 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. :yikes:

[PantyFanatic]

EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S








Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? :nod:

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's Disease.

You are a pervert. :D

[dicksbro]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Nancy, Nancy?”

"Is that you, Ray?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.*


Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course.*⛳️*


Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?"

“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."* :faint:

[PantyFanatic]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know. :nod:

[dicksbro]

Hmmmm. Sounds llike a logical decision to me. What other choice could he have made. :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Personal Mottos

Don't remember if this has been posted before or not, but, it's cute so here it goes (again?)!


A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[dicksbro]

THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM** WAS "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"* IT WAS GREAT.

These are some classics from that program . Got these from a friend.

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now!


Q .. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes
of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough..


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you** think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and
ask him if he's married?

A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Youngster. :roflmao:

(Me too! :D )

[dicksbro]

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them. :roflmao:

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS :faint:

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. :undies:

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. :yikes:

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa

Who doesn't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole :yikes:

[dicksbro]

Bob walked into the bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,*"You know, I reckon he'll jump."* The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.

The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money". I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Bob took the money.

[dicksbro]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
*
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked
*
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf*in 20 years!"
*
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
*
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?*
*
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

[PantyFanatic]

^---- :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Good to see you, my friend. Been a while. Place just isn't the same without you around.

[dicksbro]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[dicksbro]

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! Number 25 really takes the cake!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :yikes: Who is this stranger in our midst? He looks familiar but it's been so long! He even missed his special day. :faint:

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND!! :wave:

[dicksbro]

Two ladies were having a round of golf when they came up behind a foursome of males. Thinking they were far enough away, they decided to hit their tee shots. The first lady's shot was well shy of the foursome so the second lady took her tee shot. It sailed further and struck one of the males in the groin area. He fell to the ground holding his groin in his hand.

The lady ran up to him and apologized for the accident. She said, "I'm a trained physical therapist and I'll be happy to rub you to help reduce the pain."

The man at first replied he was okay but the lady persisted. "Let me help, please." With that she reached down and undid his trousers, pulled down his shorts and began to gently massage his member. After several minutes, she stopped and asked, "How does that feel, sir."

"Very good," he said, "but I still think my thumb is broke."

:yikes:

[dicksbro]

Irish sent these to me and they are terrific!

Subject: Grandparents on Grandchildren...

1. I, grandma, was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

[PantyFanatic]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. :nod:

[dicksbro]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone...
It was the minister calling,
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, She's hitting the bottle. '



MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'



POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'
It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?



ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)



SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

[PantyFanatic]

More nudity (4) :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

[dicksbro]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

That's okay ... I didn't see that one coming either.

[dicksbro]

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they'd have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need.

In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they'd drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older.

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom

[gekkogecko]

Here you go:

[dicksbro]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.."

Louisiana

A Louisiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-10. Walking up to the driver's window,

the trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Tennessee

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[dicksbro]

PairedLife»Love

25 Favorite Quotes on Sex, Love, and Marriage

https://pairedlife.com/love/Sex-Love-Marriage-Men-Women-2

We're all interested in it, we all talk about it, we all feel awkward at times about it.... why not laugh about it? Here's some of my favorite quotations about sex and love.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. -- George Carliin

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. -- Albert Einstein

I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading -- Anonymous

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker -- Woody Allen

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.—Billy Crystal

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always –- Rita Rudner

A man's only as old as the woman he feels – Groucho Marx

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. – Gore Vidal

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own -- Woody Allen

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. --- Shirley MacLaine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands --Jacques Languirand

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.— Mae West

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.--- Richard Lewis

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. – Ben Franklin

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress – Steve Martin

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed – George Burns

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. – Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. – Roseanne Barr

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on – Marilyn Monroe

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.-- Mignon McLaughlin

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. ---Charles M Schulz

[PantyFanatic]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." :nod:

[dicksbro]

:faint:



:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

When A Man Becomes Rich
He Becomes Naughty

When A Woman Becomes Naughty.
She Becomes Rich…


:)

[dicksbro]

Swimming Is Prohibited

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.

Lady: then why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?

Officer: well, that’s not prohibited.

[dicksbro]

Define Biology and Sociology?
.
.
.
If new born baby looks like his father it is biology,

if he looks like his neighbor it is called sociology

[dicksbro]

Hope you know Ole as well as I do.

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, sure, ya, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says.

''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."

“Okay, Ole, we’ll just fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I known da Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd heading toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?' :faint:

[dicksbro]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[PantyFanatic]

You are suppose to post jokes on this thread, not historical documentation.

:confused:

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :)

[PantyFanatic]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes, he asks, "How am I d oing?"The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three nots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

[dicksbro]

:faint:

[PantyFanatic]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought just staring at the wall.*She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?'’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of*the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,'* he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ... "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?” 'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…
"I would have gotten out today."

[dicksbro]

Noah was a brave man.

Taking two termites onto his wooden boat.






BTW … loved your joke, PF! :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

Brave man indeed. Luv it. :rofl:

[dicksbro]

And, don't forget, Moses was once a basket case. :yikes:


;)

[dicksbro]

This is what comedy is supposed to be. The good old days.

AT LEAST ONE OF THESE SHOULD BRING A BIG SMILE TO YOUR FACE...

Remember the old Hollywood Squares?

Classic Qs & As

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are doing when you say: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(Factoid: The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up
almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

[dicksbro]

ANSWERS AT LAST

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[PantyFanatic]

Gems for sure.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. :rofl:

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. :roflmao:

[jseal]

How do you make a Blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!

[dicksbro]

LOL! :thumbs: ^^^^

[dicksbro]

A COWBOY NAMED BUD

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas, when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

[dicksbro]

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked …


'NO REFILLS'.."

[Oldfart]

I was digging in the back yard when a found a box with a gold coin in it. I started to go and tell my wife about it, then remembered why I was digging the hole.

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Subject: Happy New Year 2059 !!!!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities in the U.S. still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed down; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help.


Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

U.S. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 248 lbs.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge––even though gas is selling at 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine-feet-seven inches, with an average of only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[dicksbro]

A DOG NAMED SEX

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”

Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog”

He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”

“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”

He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

***************

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.

When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

***************

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.

She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too!”

***************

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

***************

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”

My case comes up next Tuesday.

***************

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”









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[kiarragordon]

Funny stuff
I love it

[lucifrix1]

Americans are terrible chess players.

They lost two towers in one move.

[lucifrix1]

What did i do when US started bombing my country?

I-ran.

[PantyFanatic]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

[dicksbro]

I LOVE IT! :D

Thanks for making the day much brighter!

[dicksbro]

Pondering the depths of a weary mind…


1. If poison passes it’s expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Great confusions still unresolved.

1. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?


Vagaries of English Language!

Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck. SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?



Put your thinking cap on:
Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

[PantyFanatic]

Good thoughts for my guru, George Carlin. :nod:

[dicksbro]

:thumbs: PF

[dicksbro]

ANSWERS
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[PantyFanatic]

DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"
I became confused when I heard the word
" Service "being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue"Service".
2, U.S. Postal"Service".
3, Telephone"Service".
4, Cable T.V."Service".
5, Civil"Service".
6, State, City, County & Public"Service".
7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought"Service"meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

[citrus]

🤓
My Optharmarogist says, “You have a Catarac.”
👓 👁
I said, “No way, my mechanic tord me, “It’s a Chevroret.‘“
🚗