=====>Jokes<=====

[dm383]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

[dicksbro]

ROTFLMAO, DM! That is funny!

[Sharni]

ROTFLMFAO....love it DM!!

[dm383]

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said,

"Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked,

"What was that date again ?"

[ozfuzz]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."

The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."

[ozfuzz]

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

[ozfuzz]

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his mum
was watching him. The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth, grabbed the cat and bit it. He then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step. His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him. "I'm playing truckers." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin' on."

[ozfuzz]

Dear Abby

I have been engaged for almost a year.
I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very
attractive but really
great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown
a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would
be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with
me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that
I knew where the
front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good
kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

[ozfuzz]

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, "Was that you talking ?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

[ozfuzz]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the Seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly.

And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot.

Can you see the balance?"

"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby league, tennis and golf players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them!"

[ozfuzz]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something with a Christmas flavour.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"Easy," he grins, "They're Carol's."

[ozfuzz]

Important Christmas Tradition Background......

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for all the overtime that they had worked while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

[ozfuzz]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute"!

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman

[ozfuzz]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

[ozfuzz]

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe
but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he
decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you would like that."Well,
Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort
of thing a man should be able to do.

Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed
him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He
whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write
his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the
while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said
to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you
can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Multiple Orgasms" God said

[ozfuzz]

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip
to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all
the different kinds of animals on the farm.

The farmer asks one little girl,
"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then he asked another little girl, "What's
the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are
what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks Little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do," replied Little Johnny, "Bulls smile when you milk them."

[ozfuzz]

An old man was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

[ozfuzz]

It's a sunny morning in the Old Forest and the Bear family
are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in
his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

[ozfuzz]

TWENTY-THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

[ozfuzz]

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed
that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal
injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended
up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of
the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20
miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire
as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very
large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to
the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was
making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast
stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he
extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay
to get out of bed. This article was taken from the California
Examiner, March 20, 1998.

Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse . . .
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.

[ozfuzz]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog.

She sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said: "Elegant lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

The frog continued, "One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and set up housekeeping in your castle."

"You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't friggin think so."

[ozfuzz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of
her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

[ozfuzz]

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it's well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn't come by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He's there, an old man comes up to the gates.

"Welcome to heaven" says Jesus, "tell me a bit about yourself."

"Well," says the old man, "when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him..." Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

"Father?" he asked.

The old man stared back. "Pinnochio?"

[Navarre]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "Now what?" responds the patron? "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Navarre]

According to a news report, a private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces
in the bathroom. That was fine. But after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of lip
prints in a great variety of colors.
Every night, the maintenance man would clean them off, but the
next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided
that enough was enough and something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Ever since then, no more
lip prints have been left on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators ............

[Navarre]

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater

[Navarre]

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn . and into the hole he gooooes.”

[Navarre]

Dear Cats,

We need to talk.

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with

each other so there are still two cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.

I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat’s butt.

I cannot stress this enough.

It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,

I just live here.

[sillyme]

A minister was looking for a way to spice up his sermons. He walked into a pet store where a parrot was on sale. He asked the proprietor what was special about the parrot. The proprietor replied that the parrot could light matches. The minister thought this was a terrific idea and bought the parrot.

He planned his next homily to take advantage of the parrots's talent. At a particular point in the sermon, the parrot would light the matches and drop them over the congregation, getting their complete attention.

Sunday comes and the minister is in full throttle. He comes to the point of his sermon where the parrot is supposed to do his thing. He waves his hands and shouts
"And the fires came down from heaven" Nothing happens

He repeats
"And the fires came down from heaven" Again, nothing happens

He tries a third time
"And the fires came down from heaven"

And from up in the rafters a voice replies "And the cat pee'd on the matches"

[dm383]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

[jseal]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI guys - cumin is a spice)
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
----------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
----------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
----------------------------------------
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

[dicksbro]

George W Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

"The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

"Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen? "

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time, and one blonde with big breasts.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smart-ass?! I told you no one would worry about 140 million Iraqis!"

[dicksbro]

Arrested at Kennedy Airport Today

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y" and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[dm383]

*GROANS*

They're so bad, they're Good!! :)

DM

[Lovediva]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

[Lilith]

Times When Saying Fuck is Appropriate




"Any fucking idiot could understand that!" - Einstein


"It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso


"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras


"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo


"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc


"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.


"Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

[Lilith]

Signs He Wants to Get Laid



Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

He whispers,"you're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

[dm383]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

[dm383]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

[jseal]

Mrs. Jenkins came to visit her son Anthony, who lived with a female roommate Vikki, and had dinner with them.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama.

[SuzyQ]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:


"I don't fink my pyfhon weally kaers.

[sillyme]

Best Think These Things Through

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

[dm383]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says,





"So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job's Revenge!"

[dm383]

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking.

The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase.

"Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said,
"Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"

[dm383]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed,
"Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker,
"You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[dm383]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies,
"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds,
"No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Bardog]

The Irish Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my ownself." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Lilith]

LMFAO~ Ty Bardog

[Bardog]

Alaskan Christmas Party



Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the
stress and general rat race.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month, otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00...

"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said,"Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! ."

Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some
wild sex, too."

Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the dea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna
be the two of us.

[dm383]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.

She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed
"What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied,

"Always check for squirrels."

[dicksbro]

OMG, DM. ROTFLMAO.

[jseal]

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[dm383]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly,
"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone
"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts........








.........(now, you KNOW what's comin', don't ya?)........














.........nearly there............




















"Clumsy bitch."

[dicksbro]

OMG jseal and DM ... I'd duck if the ladies are reading these.

LMAO. :D

[dm383]

T'weren't ME mister......... t'was HIM!!! *points at jseal!!*

DM :D

[jseal]

Dudes,

I see myself as a victim! No, wait, I'm misunderstood! Yeah. That's it.


It is just a misunderstanding.

[Lilith]

Who's first???:spank: for all of you^^^...even if you weren't involved...I have a feeling you will earn it eventually:D:D:p

[dm383]

Originally posted by Lilith
Who's first???:spank: for all of you^^^...even if you weren't involved...I have a feeling you will earn it eventually:D:D:p



I'D like to volunteer............

























jseal!! :)

DM

[dm383]

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs.


The first man said
"My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!"
and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.


Not to be outdone, the second man said
"Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this."

With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.


The third man smiled and said
"Well my dog's called Ironworker".

He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot.

"Now" he continued,

"all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

[jseal]

“Alright. I’ll take my medicine like a man.” he said with a calm voice, looking Lilith square in the eye.

.
.
.





















.
.
.
“But promise you’ll first slather me with mayonnaise and wrap me in plastic wrap!”

[dm383]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife.

So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.

When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks
"What's this?"

She replies,
"A cock."

He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies
"A cock".

He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.

He whips it out and asks,
"What is this?"

She giggles and says
"A pee-pee."

He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says,
"That's your pee-pee."

He finally breaks down and says
"Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says....

"No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black!"

[dm383]

Just goes to show ya......


... a BIG dick isn't ALL it's cracked up to be!! ;)

DM

[dm383]

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"


The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said,
"Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."


The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."


The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"


(Sorry..... but it's NOT mine!! :))

[jseal]

dm383,

Oh SURE it's not yours! I suppose that when Lilith sees THIS you'll volunteer ME again!

[dm383]

Sure...... why not?!?! :D

DM
















(kidding..... I wouldn't do that to you AGAIN...... I'll blame PantyFanatic this time!! :):) )

[jseal]

dm383,

Oh. Well.

In that case...











Good One!

[dm383]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she would wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck. Sure enough, a snow plow soon passed by, and she started to follow it.


After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.


The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Target next.



(True to my word....... this one's all PF's fault!! :D)

[dm383]

Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him. Paddy politely ignored the englishman
who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and said
"Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"

Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied
"Of course".

The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In England we only eat whats inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants
and sell them to Ireland".

The Englishman had a smirk on his face. Paddy listened in silence.

The Englishman persisted.
"Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, Paddy replied
"Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said,
"We don't. In England we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."

Paddy then asked "Do you have sex in England?"

The Englishman smiled and said,
"Why of course we do."

Paddy leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course."

Now it was Paddys turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England.






Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?!!"

[dm383]

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says.

"My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"Well, you see Doc, it's this; every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.........."

[SuzyQ]

An 80 year-old man who was an avid golfer moved to a
new town and joined the local country club. He went to
the club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't
anybody he could play with because they were already out
on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would
play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for
a bet. The 80 year-old said,”I really don't need any strokes
as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem is
getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had
a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a
par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot
landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the
bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled
into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked
over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in
the trap. He said,”Nice shot, but I thought you said you have
a problem getting out of sand traps?" "I do," replied the old man.
"Please give me a hand."

[SuzyQ]

ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

_____

WARNING:

The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

[jseal]

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[Bardog]

Cajun joke

Early one morning, Tee Jean was walking along the bank of Bayou Que de Tortue behind his house. All of a sudden, he noticed that the family outhouse, located right on the bank, was tilting dangerously toward the bayou; the heavy downpour from the previous night had serious eroded the bank where the outhouse was located. Being a boy (and a pretty canaille one at that) and reasoning that the outhouse was beyond salvage, Tee Jean picked up a big stick and whacked the outhouse - really peléed it - and watched as the outhouse toppled over, fell into the bayou, and quickly sank under the muddy waters. A few hours later, Tee Jean's father came up to him and with anger in his voice asked, "Tee Jean, did you knock that outhouse into the bayou?" "Papa," the boy answered, "like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. I did it." "Mais, Tee Jean, come with me maintenant to the woodshed. You are going to get the whipping of your life!" Tee Jean was shocked by this turn of events and said, "Papa, when George Washington told his papa that he had chopped down the cherry tree, his papa didn't give him a whipping." "Mais no, Tee Jean," said his father, "but George Washington's papa wasn't in that cherry tree when he cut it down, either."

[Oldfart]

The missing frame #227 has ben located from the tape

taken at the Bowl.

It was a miserable attempt to cover up what we all knew deep down.

[Bardog]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[Oldfart]

Almost the way I heard it, Bardog.

[campingboy]

Does anyone remember these days?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."



(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

[dicksbro]

Got this from a friend today ...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

NO!" the children all answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD

[jseal]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, New York, or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

[Bardog]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

[Bardog]

ave you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenlystart labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

[dicksbro]

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."




Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't have worms."

[Bardog]

Gotta be careful with a southern girl


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set
their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Maine. He bragged that he
had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said
that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any
results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a Mississippi girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a
little out of his left eye!

[flutelady]

Obituary :(


NEWS ITEM

With all the sadness and trauma currently occuring in the world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person... a man whose passing went almost unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And that's when the trouble began.



:p

[Bardog]

A patient says 2 his doctor, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

[Bardog]

Mickey Mouse was having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds - that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she was fucking goofy!"

[Bardog]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Bardog]

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.

So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, "I'll grant you one wish . . . but i won't sleep with you."

Guy says, "Ok then, how 'bout a little head?"

[jseal]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your stockholders in a timely fashion, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Bardog]

You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[Bardog]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[jseal]

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

[Bardog]

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron
skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now
what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

[Bardog]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So,
tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

[jseal]

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[dicksbro]

I had a manager like that ^^^^^. :)

[jseal]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[wyndhy]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

At the third household house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most amazing sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea."



and another:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[Sugarsprinkles]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. The driver then said, "Please don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver
replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[dicksbro]

LOL SS. That's funny!

[jseal]

How do you get a Unitarian family to leave town?

Burn a question mark on their front lawn.

[peck]

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was
attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence,
wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident
and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
headline:

"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious
Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I
just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan
Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either
for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the
boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[jseal]

peck,

Excellent! Thank you. I'll pass it along.




Why can't Episcopalians play chess well?


…they can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

[englishrose]

The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping
the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew out a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch! .
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,breaking
into a hundred pieces.


"Shit" said the hypnotist.



It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[englishrose]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell
of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!

[englishrose]

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient Government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[way22hot]

My oh my and your funny too!

[Lilith]

OMG that was precious!!!!

[Kissy]

Marty wakes up with a huge hangover

He looks around the room and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and an aspirin on the night stand

He sits down and sees his clothes all clean and ready for him

He looks around the room and sees that it is spotless

As he walks to the kitchen he sees the rest of the house is in order and also spotless

He notices a note left by his wife "Honey breakfast is on the table, I've gone out shopping. Love you!"

Sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the newspaper waiting for him on the kitchen table. His son is also at the table eating.

Marty asks, "Son what happened last night?"

His son says "Well dad you came home after 3 drunk. Your puked in the hall, broke our furniture, and were falling all over."

Marty replies, "Well then why is the house so clean and breakfast on the table?"

His son says "Oh that, well mom dragged you to your room and took off your pants. And when she was pulling them off you were fighting her and you said,".....

"Leave me alone woman! I'm married!"




A self induced hangover $100

Broken furniture $200

Breakfast $10

Saying the right thing Priceless!!

[jseal]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS".

[Bardog]

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

answer:A computer doesn`t complain when it gets a 3 and a half inch floppy....

[Bardog]

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the damn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a red cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

[Lilith]

LOL Too damn funny!!!

[Bardog]

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested.
"Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[Bardog]

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when it's all fucked up?!"

[Lilith]

OMG that will be my class :p

[englishrose]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too"

[englishrose]

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll
have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish?... but I don't even have a
racket."

[Fairy-Bird]

A lady is at the doctor's office and the doctor tells her
"everything seems to be checking out... what seems to be the problem?"
"well you see doc, a few days ago when I went to the bathroom, I got up, looked in the bowl and it was full of pennies... day after that I looked and it was full of nickles.. and then yesterday it was full of quarters. I just cant seem to figure out whats wrong with me."
doctor says "I wouldnt worry about it... You're just going through the change."

[englishrose]

This sounds a wicked idea who is brave enough though.

I dare anyone to try it!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."


She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept. where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so
excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw
her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier".


I could hardly contain myself when.......................


I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile..

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[jseal]

englishrose,

No possible way would I try that!


But if someone ELSE wants to, I'd be willing to chip in for the legal costs.

[englishrose]

I'd pay to see it! lol

[Grumble]

A guy went hunting in the mountains and shot a little black bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was a big black bear behind him.

We can settle this in two ways said the big black bear, either I maul you to death or you have sex with me.

The hunter dropped his pants and bent over.

Some weeks later he dedided that it wasn't good enough, got his rifle and headed out to the mountain where he shot the big black bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was a huge brown bear behind him.

We can settle this in two ways said the huge brown bear, either I savage you to death or you have sex with me.

The hunter dropped his pants and bent over

Some weeks later he dedided that he was not going to be dominated, got his rifle and headed out to the mountain where he shot the huge brown bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was an enormous grizzly bear behind him.

The grizzly bear looked at him and said. you don't come here for the hunting do you?

[Bardog]

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you. We have some rednecks up here who are
causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly
gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over
their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots,
and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats
instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean.
There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over
the place. Some of them are walking around with just
one wing."

The Lord said, " rednecks are rednecks
Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you
want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a
minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What
can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of
problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on
something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone
and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having
down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold
on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil
returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk
right now. Those d@mn rednecks have put out the
fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

[Bardog]

I'm not even stupid enough to use some of these lines


Things never to say when arguing with a woman

Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?
Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.
Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out honey, the ballgame is back on.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this
morning.
I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.
Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one
from my real wife.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.

[Bardog]

I wonder how many of the members here got this........



After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing
on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a
sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular
Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of
five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what
should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral
sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen
to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied
St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of
punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain
from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
these good people, congratulating them on their high morals and good
standards."

And so it came to pass.

Do you know what the letter said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

No?

Hmmm... so you didn't get the letter either?

[Bardog]

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are... " so the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."

[jay-t]

Three old ladies Maggie, Joan and Tilly were sitting on a park bench when a man strolled up whipped open his coat and flashed them . Maggie had a stroke!Joan aslo had a stroke! Poor Tilly being old and feeble just couldn"t reach that far.

[dicksbro]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. .

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile old lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

:eek:

[dicksbro]

Another emai ... another joke ...

Men and Women

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[PantyFanatic]

LMAO :D Too funny DB....................... and too true. :)

[jseal]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[dicksbro]

Got this from a friend ... hope you enjoy ...

A SOUTHERN BLESSING

Note: If you don't or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not Understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in the South, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs!.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless

[jseal]

The photo below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

[Steph]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Steph]

After almost a year in Canada, a businessman from Venezuela returned
home to Caracas.
A friend asked him, "What is summer like in Canada?"
"Damned if I know!" the businessman replied. "I was only there for
eleven months."

[jseal]

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see that baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, that’s my husband Ole. I told that lazybutt he was gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water.

[dicksbro]

This is an old one, and maybe you've heard it, but, then again, maybe you'll enjoy anyway ... :D

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the young lady at the loan desk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $90,000 loan so I can take a holiday round the world." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says "My name is "Kermit Jagger. My dad is is Mick Jagger, and the manager knows him."

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims you know his dad his and he wants to borrow $90,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The manager replies" It¹s a knicknack Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man¹s a Rolling Stone."

[WildIrish]

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

[Bardog]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer
of the church. It was covered with names, and small
American flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little
boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good
morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused
on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible,
trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service,
the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[Bardog]

I guess he should have listened



Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?
Look, I can't prescribe...Doc, we've been friends for years. Have
you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me.


The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so
far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE. I don't know, doc, she's awfully
cold...One. No more. In her coffee. Okay? Um... okay.

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops
one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then
drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say
they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his
own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In
a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before,
she says, I...need... a man...

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, Me... too...

[Bardog]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties (a type of small candy).
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her a smartie fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

[Bardog]

I got this e-mail today.....
Anyone know if it would work.......?



Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme - simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner. PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

[Bardog]

The Lone Ranger was one of my childhood heros


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse . . . alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS. I said, BRING POSSE!"

[jseal]

Two brothers, one six and the other one five, get up one morning and the younger asks, "What are we gonna do today?"

"We are gonna learn some swear words today," his brother replies.
"Swearing is very important to learn, so we gotta start today."

So they go out into the world and learn and explore. The next morning, the younger one asks, "Did you learn any words yesterday?"

I got two - 'Hell" and 'ass'. We are each gonna take one and use it today, and I choose 'Hell'."

"But I wanted 'Hell'."

"Tough. I'm oldest; I found 'em; and I get first choice."

So they go down for breakfast, and Mom asks, "What do you guys want for breakfast?"

"Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios," replies the oldest.

At this, Mom goes ballistic. She swats the kid, screams at him, and promises him the beating of his young life when Dad gets home that night. Then she turns to her youngest son and in a voice of pure ice asks, "And what do YOU want for breakfast?"

The kid, shaking like a leaf and white as paper, replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[dicksbro]

ROTFLMAO, Jseal. That's funny. I love it. :)

[dicksbro]

Biologist studying little green frogs became alarmed at the decline in their numbers. He concluded that the cause was due to the fact that the frogs didn't appear able to stay coupled together long enough during sex to reproduce successfully,.

He relayed this information to a chemist friend who came up with a solution in the form of a special adhesive which included one part sodium.

As numbers rose once more, it became evident that ............

Do you really want me to give you the answer? OK, just scroll down.

Don't say I didn't warn you.















the little green frogs needed monosodium glue to mate.

[Midnight Kiss]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found
a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about
using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take
one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd
like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I
break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under
his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not
$110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Bardog]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers
shooting the breeze.

Bubba says to Billy Bob, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while
you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant,
an' she had my baby would dat make us kin?"

Billy Bob scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think
so......but it shore would make us even!"

[dicksbro]

While it's told by a lady, you'll understand why it's the men that die ...

----

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man

[jseal]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their mates...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve

[jseal]

Always wear clean underwear in public...especially when working under your vehicle. From newspaper reports comes this story of a couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into quite public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.

[dicksbro]

OH TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be six again," was her reply.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you d--- a --!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

[dicksbro]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

Buta grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howa about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then......pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

[dicksbro]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon"?

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"...

[dicksbro]

Snappy Answer #1

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #2

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #3

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that read slow bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #4 - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[Steph]

Snappy Answer #4 - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."



*SNAP*

[Steph]

You're Getting Old When...

~You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

~Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

~Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

~A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

~Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.

[WildIrish]

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice Belt.


:D

[Steph]

Ow ^^^^


Did you hear the giant has the runs?


It's all over town.

[dicksbro]

A friend sent me these and I thought they were cute ... hmmm ... and maybe true too.

1. I was thinking about how the status symbol of today are those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belts. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

2. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

3. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

4. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

5. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

6. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

7. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" :D

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

9. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor! (Not a bad idea!)

10. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

11. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

[Bardog]

A young man was preparing to take a cart full of groceries to the parking lot for a beautiful young lady. As they exited the store the lady looking at the fine young man whispered to him: " i have an itchy ****y". To which he replied: " Maam, you'll have to point it out, because all foreign cars look the same to me.

[Bardog]

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female. .
. . . Any part under a car's hood.

Male...
. . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...
. . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male. . . . .
... . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female. . . . .
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male. . . .
. . . Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female. . . . .
... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male. . .
. . . Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. v.
Female.. .
. . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male. . . . .
. . Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female. . . . .
. . . An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male. . . .
. . . A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female. . . .
. . .. The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male. . .
. . . . Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female. . .
. . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male. . .
. . . . . A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

[Belial]

One day, a rabbit is bounding along when he sees a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says to the giraffe "Put that down, come running through the forest with me, it's much more fun!" The giraffe puts the joint aside and follows the rabbit into the forest.

Later, the rabbit sees an elephant chopping a line of coke. The rabbit says "Oh elephant, think of your health! Come running through the forest with me!" The elephant puts down his razor and mirror and dutifully follows the rabbit as best he can.

This time, the rabbit sees a lion about to shoot up. He asks the lion to come running through the forest with him, but the lion attacks the rabbit and savagely kills him, tearing the poor rabbit to shreds. A tiger asks the lion "What did you do that for?" and the lion responds "Every time that little fucking rabbit takes ecstasy he makes me run after him through the forest like an arsehole".

:D

[Bardog]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news, " says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man.

"My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant. " "Go for it doc" says the man. "Just as long as I can play golf again. " The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved. " "That's great, " said the surgeon.

"Not only that, " continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. " "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem, " said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache. "

[Bardog]

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.

The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her.

Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!! .

[Bardog]

This one is for our Aussie friends


A koala walks into a whorehouse. Not being able to talk he flips through a dictionary till he finds what he is looking for. The koala goes to a woman at the bar and shows her a word in the dictionary: prostitute - does sexual favors for money. The woman nods and they go into a room.

When they are about to get to it the koala insists on giving head to the hooker. Well, she doesn't mind it and the koala turns out to be very good in it. The koala does his stuff and takes off.
When he is getting out of the door he is stopped by the hooker. Not so fast fellow you didn't pay yet, says the hooker.

The koala gets the dictionary again and points a word: koala - eats bushes and leaves.

[Bardog]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world would you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[Bardog]

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat .

[d5254t]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices,
out of the corner of his eye, a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door"

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup,
then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:


GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT SINNER!

[d5254t]

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it,
laughing it off, kicking it,
kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

[sodaklostsoul]

The Fairy
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married >couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards. But Fairies are....................Female.

[sodaklostsoul]

A Tazer Gun Story.....................
>>
>>
>>Dear Friends,
>>
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>>something akin to, hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
>>outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>>
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
>>I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
>>you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>>google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
>>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
>>out--way too cool!
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
>>and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
>>information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>>the face of her microwave.
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
>>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was
>>I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time?
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
>>than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>>to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>>burst from such
>>a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
>>is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
>>Don't ya hate that?)
>>
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>>in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
>>slammed me on the
>>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>>fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
>>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie
>>was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
>>one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
>>zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
>>if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>>thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
>>sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
>>triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
>>like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome
>>if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[dicksbro]

Just got this from my brother-in-law and thought it was cute. Hope it hasn't already been posted ...

----

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

[dicksbro]

Here's another I received ...

----

BEAR IN A BAR

A BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR IN BILLINGS, MONTANA AND SITS DOWN. HE BANGS ON THE BAR WITH HIS PAW AND
DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER APPROACHES AND SAYS, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, BECOMING ANGRY, DEMANDS AGAIN THAT HE BE SERVED A BEER.

THE BARTENDER TELLS HIM AGAIN, MORE FORCEFULLY, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT BEARS IN BARS
IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, VERY ANGRY NOW, SAYS, "IF YOU DON'T SERVE ME A BEER, I'M GOING TO EAT THAT LADY SITTING AT
THE END OF THE BAR"

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR GOES TO THE END OF THE BAR, AND, AS PROMISED, EATS THE WOMAN. HE COMES BACK TO HIS SEAT
AND AGAIN DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER STATES, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BAR IN BILLINGS WHO
ARE ON DRUGS"

THE BEAR SAYS, "I'M NOT ON DRUGS."

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS..........)
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
THE BARTENDER SAYS, "YOU ARE NOW. THAT WAS A BARBITCHYOUATE."

[dicksbro]

7 reasons not to mess with a child


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

-----

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

-----

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-----

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then aid, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-----

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

-----

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

-----

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

[campingboy]

Thanks for the laugh.

[nikki1979]

nearly peed myself readin the tazer one , will most def HAVE to show that to jeeping!!!

~nikki

[Bardog]

After having their 11th child, a Tn. Mountain couple decided 11 was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in the Tn. Mountains), light it, put
it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Alabama and parts of Mississippi.

[dm383]

Health & Fitness: The Facts.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans, another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets, and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

[blkcat]

a guy boards a plane to find he has a row of seats to himself,but just before the door closes another guy with a dog gets on,and take the two seats,the dog owner then say's i'm an airline employee and the dog is a snifer,after take off i'll show you how he works,once in the air the dog is set to work,he walks up the aisle for a few rows then returns and sits by the handler and taps the handlers leg twice,the handler takes out a note pad and begins to write,the passenger ask's what it's all about and the handler replies there is a lady two rows back with crack in her purse,the handler set's the dog off again,after a while the dog is back,sit's be side the handler and yaps five times,the handler makes a note and explains there is a passenger five rows back with cocaine,again a note is made and the dog set's off a third time,soon the dog comes rushing back,jumps up onto the seat and procedes
to crap all over it,the passenger is not impressed,what made him do that he ask's the handler,who replies with a white face 'He smelt a BOMB"

[sodaklostsoul]

Night out with the girls....
> >
> > The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
> > husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> >
> > Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
> > a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
> >
> > Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
> > cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly
> > cuckooed another 9 times.
> > I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> > solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
> > conflict with him.
> >
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> > "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
> > one!
> >
> > Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> >
> > When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
> > times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
> > cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
> > over the coffee table and farted."

[Bardog]

Popular Brands Of Condoms


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Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.
Verizon Wireless: We never stop working for you.

[Bardog]

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

[sodaklostsoul]

Tricky Mother
>
> "Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who
> lives with a female roommate Vikki...
>
> During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice
> how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
> relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
> she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his
roommate
> than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
> know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just
> roommates."
>
> About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since
your
> mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
> You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
>
> "Well, I ! doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So
he
> sat down and wrote:
>
> (This is cute)..........
> Dear Mama,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my
house,
> I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that
it
> has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
> Love,
> Anthony
>
> Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his
> Mama, which read:
>
> Dear Son,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying
> that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she
were
> sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
>
> Love,
> Mama
>
> Lesson of the day:
>
> Don't Lie to Your Mother
>

[Navarre]

Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much.
But being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first
couple of days. But at the end of the week, he came home from
school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to
school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys," he protested
loudly!

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs.
Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings,
staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler
anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well.........so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
little friend noticed the same lady was following them, as she
seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us
to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend asked, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter
Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following
us?"

"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me
say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so
much. And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get
used to it!"

[dicksbro]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car..

[sodaklostsoul]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small

>tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
>first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind
>this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
>
>"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking
>a
>stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
>
>"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
>answers.
>
>There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
>this,
>having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
>old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

>there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
>
>They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
>walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
>their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her
>knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and
>as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
>
>Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
>policeman
>has ever seen.
>
>They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
>about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her

>hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
>
>Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
>
>The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life
>that
>he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering,
>the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The
>policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing -- that old
man
>was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret is."
>
>As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had
>sex
>for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
>fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
>
>The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Navarre]

Guy's a bit lonely... goes into a pet shop and buys a budgie in a fairly large cage.

Two weeks later... budgie is showing signs of stress and the guy decides it needs a companion - returns to pet shop.... buys another budgie and sticks it in the cage. next morning.... new budgie... on its back legs in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him an owl. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Owl on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him a Falcon. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Falcon on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

"Can't you supply me with a feathered friend for my budgie that it can't kill?" asked the guy.

Pet shop owner sells the guy an aviary and the biggest Emu he had.... "Stick the little bastard in with him, that'll cure him," he said.

Next morning.... Emu on its back... legs in the air - dead.

Returning to the petshop the next day... the petshop owner sells the guy a Wedge-tailed Eagle, the deadliest of all Australian raptors. A beak so powerful it could crunch a kangaroos thigh bone, talons so sharp they'd pierce elephant hide....

"That'll fix the little shit!!" he said.

Next morning.... eagle on its back... feet in the air - dead.

Strangest thing though... is the budgie never had a feather left on its body... it was completely bald. He looked at his owner, cocked his head and said,

"Fuck.... I had to take my coat off for that one."

[WildIrish]

Lmfao!!!!!

[blkcat]

guy goes to the dentist with a tooth ache,dentist looks at the tooth decides it has to come,guy say's ok .dentist gets the needle ready but the guy say's
sorry i can't take needles no way,ok say's the dentist i have some gas,oh no say's the guy i'll be sick for two day's with the gas,no problem replies the dentist,i'll be right back,a minute later he returns with a pill and cup of water,here he say's take this,guy swallows the pill and asks what it was,viagra replies the dentist,guy asks,will it kill the pain no the dentist replies
but it will give you something to hold onto when i pull that tooth out.

[MilkToast]

nice doggie...

[Navarre]

A Child's Wisdom..

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'd start loving people a little
bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the poop out of him."

[WildIrish]

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[nikki1979]

OMG now i havnt heard that before ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ to damn funny


~nikki

[MilkToast]

Spain
"Te Amo"

France
"Je T'aime"

Germany
"lch Liebe Dich"

Japan
"Ai Shite Imasu"

Italy
"Ti Amo"

China
"Wo Ai Ni"

Sweden
"Jag Alskar"

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
*parts of Florida

" Nice Ass, Get in the truck."

[sodaklostsoul]

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my five-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"
- ------

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a
moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it
up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out
too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago'."

[sodaklostsoul]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
>>> each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a
little
>>>horny. With an air of
>>> confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and,
>>>
>>>smiling, he
>>> says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
>>>
>>> Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents
will see
>>>
>>>us!"
>>>
>>> "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
>>>
>>> "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
>>>
>>> Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love
you so
>>>
>>>much!"
>>>
>>> "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
>>>
>>> "Oh yes you can. Please?"
>>>
>>> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on,
and
>>>the girl's little sister
>>> shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she
says:
>>>
>>> "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.
Otherwise
>>>I can do it. Or
>>> if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and
do it.
>>>
>>>But for God's
>>> sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off
the
>>>intercom!"
>>

[sodaklostsoul]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
>>>>pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could
get
>>>>rid
>>>>of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of
>>>>intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his
wife
>>>>with
>>>>a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed
these
>>>>up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent
response, so
>>>>she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in
>>>>place,
>>>>she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the
>>>>gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother.

[Oldfart]

Have you ever wondered . . . ?

[eagle1]

A parent's prayer.


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!;)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--

[dicksbro]

Got this from a friend and thought it was really cute. Hope you enjoy.

-----

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

This is as close to brilliant as you can get....

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[sodaklostsoul]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
>
> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
>
> Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
>
> We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[eagle1]

You Just Might Be A Scrooge...

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog -- you just might be a Scrooge.

And, finally - if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -- you just might be a Scrooge.

[WildIrish]

rotting pumpkin? :confused:



LMFAO!!!!!

[nikanik]

Leftover from Halloween.

[Navarre]

The Dead Duck


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[Navarre]

In The Bible



So It Is Written

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to
the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything.
The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one
time or another, been in the same situations you have."

"Even PMS?" a woman asked.

"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it
and tell you the passage at Mass next week."

So everyone goes home and the priest is looking for the passage and
Sunday comes around... he gets in front of the congregation and
begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the
Bible referring to PMS."

"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.

It's right here in this passage where it says "And Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[sodaklostsoul]

Lab Report....Cat Scan... :rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

OBITUARY

Common Sense Died 24/7/365 in America's Heart, USA

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common
Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are
in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student; however they could not inform
the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and
was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Good, Better, BEST!
>
>1) Good
>An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
>wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old
>boy was
>standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
>AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
>Sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just
>sell
>lemonade!)
>
>2) Better
>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
>Automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA . A $40 speeding ticket was
>included.
>Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
>Responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
>3) Absolute Best
>A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State
>Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
>said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers
>Ball". He
>replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
>There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
>he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
>left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[osuche]

Sometimes life is funnier than art.....

MEMPHIS, Tennessee (AP) -- Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it
> the "jury pool from hell." The group of prospective jurors was
> summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.
>
> Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left,
> announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."
>
> When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a
> prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a
mental
> hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked
> because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.
>
> Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was
> arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should
have
> known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."
>
> Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury:
> "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as
> your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.
>
> The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend
> in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Greetings Earthling .....


I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far
away, visiting your P.C.
I have transformed myself into this email.
As you are reading it, I am having sex with your
eyeballs.


Oh god that feels good!


I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.


That's it . ... . keep scrolling.


Don't stop!


Click it baby, click it!


Faster


Faster


more ooohh yeahh



harder


give it to me , just like I like it


Faster



That was amazing!



You are the best I've had yet.
And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling.
Do you know how I know that you're smiling?
'cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I'm
really horny

[sodaklostsoul]

The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying
to
>increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH
>FILL-UP!"
>Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his
free
>sex.
>The owner told him "pick a number froom 1 to 10; if you pick the right
>number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the numner 8, and the
gas
>station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex
this
>time."
>A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station.
Jim
>filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station
owner
>gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a
>number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the
>correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
>As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill,
"I
>think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
>Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week
>

[Mark Vieth]

This guy want's to buy a harley. So he goes down to the local bike store and has a gander. He goes up to one bike and sees that it's a soft tail classic. He's hovering around it when the owner of the shop come out. You know, full beard, tatts, beer gut.
He says "hey can I help ya mate?"
"Yeah I want to get a bike."
"Well ok then, the one you were just looking at is a harley soft tail classic. Everything is chrome, forks, spokes,hanndle bars etc."
"how much?"
"Well it's $30,000"
"shit I don't have that much."
"Well what do you have then?"
"Well I got $20,000."
"Tell ya what, you look like an honest enough guy, come have a look at this one over here." So he takes him over to another bike that looks the same as the soft tail. "Ok this one is just like the soft tail but is all stainless steel. You know the forks, handle bars etc. It's $20,000."
"Ok I'll take it." So he fixes up the man and just as he leaves the owner says "Oh one more thing, as it is all stainless steel you'll have to put some vasaline on the spokes when it rains, so they don't rust."

So he rides it to his g/f place. They all come out to see the bike. Her mum makes a big dinner and they all sit down after. Dishes everywhere.
The old lady says
"Well that's it, I've had enough. I've been washing these dishes for the last 30 yrs and I'm not doing them anymore."
Well the old man says "well I haven't been doing them for the last 30 yrs and I'm not going to start now."
The g/f says "well if I start doing them now, I'll be doing them for the next 30 yrs, so I'm not going to start now."
The young bloke says "well I don' want to start any new habbits so I'm not doing them."

So the old man decides that the first to speak does the dishes.

The are all sitting around the table and half an hour goes by and the young man starts to feel horny, so he grabs his g/f, bends her over the table and goes for it. No one says a thing coz they don't want to do the dishes. So they finish up and sit down. About an hour goes by and again he feels horny so he grabs the old lady bends her over the table and goes for it, but nobody says anything coz they don't want to do the dishes. Well they finish up and sit down.

He hear's a rubble of lightning and thinks to himself "my bike" and pulls out a tub of vasaline from his pocket. The old man stands up and says "ok ok I'll do the dishes!!!!!!"

[Mark Vieth]

This guy walks into a bar. At one end is two drunks laughing at their own jokes, at the other is a poof (gay guy).
He notices that there is no stage, TAB, pokie machines or a juke box. Just tables and chairs. So he walks up to the bar and order's a beer and sit's down at a table. The poof get's up and sit's next to him.
"Hi how are you?"
"Yeah not bad." "
Ohh goody. Do you want to play football?"
The guy jumps up out of his chair and says "aussie rules fuck yeah!"
The poof says "no it's our own kind of football. you see we get two empty beer cans and put them on the table, you pull your pants down and fart. If you knock one over it's a behind, if you knock them both over it's a goal." Well he says "no thanks not into that."
Poof says "oh come on, you're here in a bar what's the worst that could happen."
So the poof get's two cans and put's them on the table and says
"well give it a go then."
So the guy drops his
daks and let's out a ripper.... Only one can falls over.
The poof get's excited
"oh a behind goody." He put's the
can back next to the other one.
"Have another go and see if you can get a goal"
So the guy drops his daks again and the poof comes up behind also with his daks down and get's behind him.
"what the fuck are you doing?!!!!"
"ohhh I'm smothering the kick."

[LixyChick]

A couple is in the delivery room.

Identical twins...the doctor exclaims!

What will you name the boys?

We'll call them Juan and Amal, say the proud parents.

The father takes out his camera and snaps some pictures to show his friends.

At the bar, the proud father tells everyone the good news.

He passes around a few pictures and someone asks, "Which baby is this"?

That's Juan, dad says.

May I see a picture of the other baby?

Dad says, "If you've seen Juan...you've seen Amal"!

[dicksbro]

OMG ... ROTFLMAO Lixy. That's great.

Here's a cute one (I think) ...

Subject: On the first day God created the dog.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:

"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.
______________________________________________________

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.
______________________________________________________

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.
______________________________________________________

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
______________________________________________________

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[imaginewithme]

DEAR DAD...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[sodaklostsoul]

: Outhouse] > > > > > > > > >Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... > >"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" > > > >Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." > > > >Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." > > > >So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, > >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " > > > >Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" > > > >Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" > > > >Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." > > > >So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells > >back, "Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" > > > >Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" > > > >Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, > > >Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" > > > >To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!?"

[Lilith]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. They decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAM-PACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

[sodaklostsoul]

Jim wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jim is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he

got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jim had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jim sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned
and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a

note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:


"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating. Jim asks, "Son... what happened
last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waitior
me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $79.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins .38



Saying the right thing, at the right time . Priceless!!!

[Master Scribe]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a
religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men
to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But,
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi.
"It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own
wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we
finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi.

"Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"From behind with my wife on her knees?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot
oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a
bucket of honey and a sex video ?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

[WildIrish]

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V 32 instead of a V 8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than 50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[sodaklostsoul]

Sunday Morning Sex
>
>On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan
went
>straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
>grandmother and comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
>replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
>morning."
>
>Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people
>nearly 100 years old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
>advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
>church bells would
>start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
>slow and even.
>
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the
>Dong." She paused,
>wiped away a tear and then continued, "he'd be alive
>today if that damned
>ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[dicksbro]

OMG! That's terrific sodaklostsoul!

[sodaklostsoul]

Thanks DB...I get a lot of good ones in my email.

[dicksbro]

Got this in an e-mail and loved it (although it says something about my age :))

It was fun being a baby boomer . . . till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash,I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harum -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson -- On the Throne Again

[dicksbro]

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour=Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

[dicksbro]

The young Hillbilly groom screeches his truck to a halt in front of his pappy's house the morning after his honeymoon. He slams the door and walks up to the front porch where his pappy is whittling in his rocker.

Pappy says, "Well, how'd it go last night boy?"

"I'm gonna have to leave her pa," he says, "she's a virgin"

"Well I don't blame ya boy," pa says, "if she ain't good enough for her own family then she sure tain't gud 'nough for ours!"

[sodaklostsoul]

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off
for the Olympic Gold medal match.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started,
the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't stand to watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes
just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck
and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

[jseal]

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

[sodaklostsoul]

Signs


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[sodaklostsoul]

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when
one of the men said that he was going to go to
Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone
to the same dentist a year ago.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he
do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I
was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow
on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me
right in the nuts"

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What
does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time
in a year that my teeth didn't hurt.

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: JOB INTERVIEW

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an
individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found
four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he
asked the second man.

"Hmm . . . . let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the
wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought
he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed
the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I
wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already %#@& in my pants!"

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the local Walmart.

[dicksbro]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR !!!! FOR EXAMPLE: THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Turning to the ostrich, he asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change!

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most! people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[sodaklostsoul]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
>
>Customer: A white one...
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>
>Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
>
>Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>
>Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
>
>Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
>on my desk... Sorry...
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>
>Customer: Your left or my left?
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
>
>Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>
>Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
>
>Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
>Gates!
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time
>I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
>placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>
>Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
>
>Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
>
>Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
>
>******
>
>Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>
>Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>
>Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>
>Customer: Okay.
>
>Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
>
>Customer: Yes.
>
>Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
>keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
>letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital
letters?
>
>******
>
>A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
>
>Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>
>Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
>
>Customer: Five stars.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
>
>Customer: Netscape.
>
>Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
>
>Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
>computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
>
>*******
>
>And then there is my personal favorite!!
>
>
>
>Helpdesk: How may I help you?
>
>Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>
>Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
>
>Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
>the circle around it?

[sodaklostsoul]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
>here is one:
>
>
>Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
>
>A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
>birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch
says
>he cannot tell.
>
>Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
>"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
>beech or a son of a birch?"
>
>The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
>neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
>
> It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
>
>
> Wipe that smile off your face ......

[dicksbro]

Taste Testing......

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:

Red............cherry,"
Yellow.........lemon,"
Green..........lime,"
Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!" ......

[dicksbro]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[dicksbro]

"Irish Shopping"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[sodaklostsoul]

LMAO......those were all great DB

[sodaklostsoul]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast

[sylverpenny]

Hillbilly helps choking victim


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly , a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[nikki1979]

OMG I LUV IT thanks for the smile i needed it today!

~nikki

[sodaklostsoul]

For I am a Princess


> An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
>flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
>them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
>down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me
>to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely
>people,
>if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip
>back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman
>hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
>engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat
>us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
>am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
>
>To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
>sweet-cheeks, in my
>country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[sylverpenny]

Baptizing a Drunk.............

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, ..................

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

[jseal]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

[sylverpenny]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[sylverpenny]

The 25 steps involved:

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -.E31610" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity!