=====>Jokes<=====

[Winston77]

BAPTIST BRA

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 30AA." With a quizzical look the sales lady asked? "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

Ah, now I remember" said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the

Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the Masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the Fallen. Presbyterian type keeps them Staunch and Upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

They," she replied, "Make Mountains out of Mole-Hills."

**********

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.

[PantyFanatic]

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, :console: "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED!" :eek:

THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. :nod: AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. :help:

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN. :banghead:

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH. :faint:

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!" :shrug:

THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD." :bite:

"SO" THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS." :yikes:


:thumbs:

[Oldfart]

Ouch!!

[sodaklostsoul]

Babies!
>
> Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
> other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
>
> "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
>
> "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
>
> "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
> "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
>
> and find out."
>
> He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then
> quickly
>
> disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
> resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm
> a
>
> little boy," he said proudly.
>
> "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
>
> "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
>
> and I've got blue ones."
>
>
>
> SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
>

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

:rolleyes2

[dicksbro]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says "do you know me?".

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says... "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math teacher.

[sodaklostsoul]

Roflmao

[txgrneyes]

Dear Mrs. Cottrell:

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. R.D. Cottrell has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Cottrell have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-mart Complaint Department

*********************************************************
MEMO
RE: Mr R.D. Cottrell-Complaints

Things Mr. R.D. Cottrell has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an offical tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares...and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION-WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he know where the anit-depressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, prracticed his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!".

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams " NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[dm383]

SCOTTISH HUMOUR
***************************
How Tough Are the Scots?
The following comparisons of the attitude of the Scots to different levels
of temperature, compared with those in some other parts of the world, has
been circulating on the Net. My thanks to a reader who passed me a copy.

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland
sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the
windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in
Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland
go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a
last barbecue before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland lick
flagpoles instead of ice lollipops.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. People in Scotland throw
on a light jacket.
-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts
postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear
a vest and put something on under their kilts.
-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos
they can't thaw their whisky bottles.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying
"Aye it's a bit cooler today... eh?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the
World Cup

[dm383]

........... ever pissed you off??

Maybe a solution for ya!!!

LOL

DM

[Oldfart]

One from the papers.

Long life ends in fast lane.

From our friends in London: A young-at-heart pensioner who whizzed around a supermarket on a trolley shouting "Wheeee" died after losing control and crashing in the car park outside.

Widower Dennis Wiltshire, 80, of Neath, South Wales, was hit in the head by his speeding trolley when he was thrown to the ground as it overturned.

An inquest in Swansea recorded a verdict of accidental death after the pensioner died.



The man was a God, a Pixies person who didn't know it.

[Salacious]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your
pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full
of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same
young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some
honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got
some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some
pussy willow down by the creek ...."

The farmer interrupted, "Let me get my shoes. I'll go with you!"

[Salacious]

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her first trip to New York City and was serving refreshments to her Southern belle friends on her Daddy's mansion's front porch. It was a hot summer day, but her tales held them spellbound.


"In New York City," said Miss Annabelle, "they have men who kiss other men on the lips."


Miss Annabelle's friends fanned themselves faster and said, "Oh, my!"


"They call them homosexuals," proclaimed Miss Annabelle. "They also have women in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"


"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girls, as the pace of the fanning increased.


"They call them lesbians," said Miss Annabelle. "And they have men in New York City who kiss women between the legs," said Miss Annabelle.


"Oh, my!" said the girls from the edge of their chairs "What are they called?"


Miss Annabelle replied with a smile, "After I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

[ShadowDancer]

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[dicksbro]

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where
the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[jseal]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Deputy’s expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[Oldfart]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky.

When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked "Where is everybody?"

The barman replied, "They're all gone to the hanging."

"Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete", he replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" asked the cowboy.

"Well" said the bartender, " He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes"

"What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling" said the bartender.

[scotzoidman]

^^^
:eew:

[sodaklostsoul]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
is a
>valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
>speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size
>as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
>flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
>traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out
>of this highly dangerous situation?
>
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>Scroll down for Answer:
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>Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much
>

[dm383]

The nightmare of having a daughter

This is to anyone who has daughters, and to those who are pregnant, hope you don't get a daughter!!!!
My fears!!!

MOTHER passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw an envelope on the bed.

It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

"Dear Mom, It is with great sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.
I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all his peircings, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He sure deserves it! Don't worry about me,Mom. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter

XXXXXXX



PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in the center drawer of my desk. I love you.

Please call when it is safe to come home. !!!!!!"

[Aqua]

:roflmao:

[txgrneyes]

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

-----------------


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


-------------------

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


--------------------


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! Im not Bill Gates.


:fone:


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find i

-----------------


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah........ ...........thank you.

------------------


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


---------------------


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is ther e another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


:banghead:


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


------------------------


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


-------------------


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


--------------------


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


:fix:


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


------------------


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


---------------------


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
:roflmao:

[sodaklostsoul]

"P" on the keyboard.........LAMO!!!

[Oldfart]

There is also the one about the woman who rang to complain about her computer not working.

It was all connected right.

After a lot of questioning it turned out that the computer hadn't worked since the power had been cut off.

She was told to pack the puter back in it's box and take it back to where she got it, because she was too dumb to own a computer. (urban legend)

[PantyFanatic]

Jesus Is Watching You :cool:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." :yikes:

[dicksbro]

OMG! That's hilarious! Woof!

[Lilith]

You are driving in a car at a constant
speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



any idea?



think about it...........



still don't know.....



then go ahead and scroll down for the answer

















Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[PantyFanatic]

I scrolled ^^ to get the answer. :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Someone's been reading the lateral thinking book.

[PantyFanatic]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and gusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend :hump: when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. :yikes:

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" :sad:

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" :doorpeek:

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" :thumb:

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" :thumbs:

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining." :shrug:

[dicksbro]

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining." :shrug:

Okay. :boink:







:roflmao:

[imaginewithme]

The Lord and the hot rodder

A hot rodder was driving along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The rodder pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the
P a c i f i c! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The rodder thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[mildy kinky cpl]

lmao. that was very funny, thnx for the laugh. :)

[Coaster]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[mildy kinky cpl]

Three nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

(If you laugh you are going straight to hell!) we'll see u there, lol.

[alspals69]

The Lord and the hot rodder

A hot rodder was driving along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."

The rodder pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the
P a c i f i c! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The rodder thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

lol...nice one IWM

[alspals69]

A nun is laying naked in the bath when there is a knock on the door.

"who is there?" she asks?

"it's the blind man" a man calls back.

"then you may enter"

He walks in and gazes at her.

"Oh nice tits... where do you want the blinds?"

[Stuyvo]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." :rofl:

[Coaster]

>I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at
>Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had
a
>dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again,
>although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last
>time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
>ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat
>one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
>complete so I was going to try it again.
>
>I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now
>enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
>
>Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been
sitting
>in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall
guy
was
>going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard.
>

[sodaklostsoul]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and

asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers
in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

*****************************************************************


Here is a little joke to make you smile today!!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, $20 or o ff it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me".
******************************************************************

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog
and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods,
grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to f ollow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn
thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

***************************************************************

[dm383]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"

The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?"

She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells,

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership >fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies,

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!"

[WildIrish]

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies,





"Over here, on the swing."

[sodaklostsoul]

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[txgrneyes]

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country...

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll streach out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired form my gun."

11.so you don't know how fast your were going? I guess that means I can write anything i want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, Sir, YOu can talk to the shift supervisor, but I dont think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! YOu want a warning? O.K., I am warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey poo."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "in God we trust, all others we run throught NCIC."

4. " Just how big were those two beers?"

3. "No sir we dont have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and ............ The best one !!!!!!

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right we don't....Sign here.

[sodaklostsoul]

TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste,
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
>>
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
>>
>> She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass
>> out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
>> tequila.
>>
>> Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and
sets it on the table.

>> The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
>> asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

>> Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU
>> DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

>> ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: FW: To brighten your day
>
>
>> 1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your
> car.
>
>> 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
>> to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how
>> nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
>
>> 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
>> neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
>> 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
>
>> 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
>
>> 6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
>
>> 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
>> thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
>> thing at a tempting moment.
>
>> 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
>> because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
>
>> 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
>> is to buy a replacement.
>
>> 10. He who hesitates is probably right.
>
>> 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
> everybody.
>
>> 12. If you can smile when things go wrong,
>> you have someone in mind to blame.
>
>> 13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
>> he's really in trouble.
>
>> 14. The mind is like a parachute;
>> it works much better when it's open.
>
>> 15. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!
>

[sodaklostsoul]

PET RULES
> >>
> >>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.
> >>
> >>Dear Dogs and Cats:
> >>
> >> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other
> >>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in
> >>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming
>your
> >>food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>slightest.
> >>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
>me
> >>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
> >>faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized
> >>bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping
>on
> >>the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in
>a
> >>ball when they sleep.
> >>
> >>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out
>to
> >>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight
>out
> >>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
>nothing
> >>but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
> >>bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door
> >>shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or
>get
> >>your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
>through
> >>the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years
>--
> >>canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> >>
> >>The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
>I
> >>cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have
posted
>the
> >>following message on our front door:
> >>
> >>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
> >>
> >>1. They live here. You don't.
> >>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
> >>(That's why they call it furniture).
> >>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> >>4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter
>who
> >>is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
> >>Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> >> 1. Eat less.
> >> 2. Don't ask for money all the time.
> >> 3. Are easier to train.
> >> 4. Usually come when called.
> >> 5. Never drive your car.
> >> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
> >> 7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
> >> 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
> >> 9. Don't wear your clothes.
> >> 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> >> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
>
>---------------------------------

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon
>> > > for a face-lift.
>> > > The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
>> > > small
>> > > knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
>> > tighten
>> > > up
>> > > her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
>> > > Of course the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
>> > the
>> > > woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful, and
>> > the
>> > > woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
>> > > After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
>> > problems.
>> > > "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
>> > turn
>> > > the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
>> > > developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags
>> > under
>> > > my
>> > > eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
>> > > The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
>> > are
>> > > your breasts."
>> > > "Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the
>> > goatee."

[nikki1979]

OMG i luv the pet one , im so printing off the note to visitors!!!!!!

[dicksbro]

I love those, Soda. The pet one is sooooo cute. Thanks.

[PantyFanatic]

I was in Kroger's the other day going thru the express checkout line with only a bag of Purina dog food in my cart when a nosy woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, easy, cheap and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[txgrneyes]

This is so funny :roflmao: that it will boggle your mind. :banghead: And, you will keep
> trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
> foot. But you can't!!! :curse:
>
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor!
> and make clockwise circles with it.
>
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
> right hand .. Your foot will change direction!!!
>
> I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it. Make
> sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
> believe it either!!!

[Aqua]

I was in Kroger's the other day going thru the express checkout line with only a bag of Purina dog food in my cart when a nosy woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, easy, cheap and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Hah!
If you could lick your own balls you would have never made it out of the house! :rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

OMG.....TFF.......mental pic!!!

[ShadowDancer]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter" A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, she asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it , he jumped over the fence into our yard!..... That must've been scary", said the teacher....... "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went "Fffff, Fffff,Fffff....and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!


:rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!

[mildy kinky cpl]

lmao. that's priceless

[ShadowDancer]

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary."Tomorrow" his wife said angrily, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero - 200 in two seconds flat".

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the
driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale. HIS FUNERAL IS TOMORROW.

[sodaklostsoul]

Sorry if it's a repost.


Subject: Fw: Cyanide
>>>>
>>>>A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
>>>>cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the
>>>>
>>>>world do you need cyanide?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
>>>>give
>>>>you cyanide to kill your husband? That's
>>>>
>>>>against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail
>>>>and
>>>>all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not,
>>>>
>>>>you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>>>>husband
>>>>in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't
>>>>tell
>>>>me you had a prescription."
>>>>
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Ed returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ed asks his
wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one
more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he
now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please... Just one more time before I die ?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ed, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
At this point the wife sits up and says,

"Listen Ed, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
>> > >
>> > > examining room, waiting for the doctor to
>> > >
>> > > come in for the baby's first exam.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
>> > >
>> > > checked his weight, and being a little
>> > >
>> > > concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
>> > >
>> > > or bottle-fed?
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Breast-fed,"she replied.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
>> > >
>> > > ordered.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
>> > >
>> > > kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for quite a
>> > >
>> > > while in a very professional and detailed
>> > >
>> > > examination. Motioning to her to get
>> > >
>> > > dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this
>> > >
>> > > baby is underweight. You don't have any
>> > >
>> > > milk."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but boy am
>> > >
>> > > I glad I came."
>

[sodaklostsoul]

BLONDES----------

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....


(You're going to love this!)

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[Steph]

LOL ^^^

Chris has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?" He answered, "It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?" With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

[ShadowDancer]

Why Parents Drink
>
> A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
> sick one day.
> Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
> employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
> "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
> "Yes," whispered the small voice.
> "May I talk with him?"
> The child whispered, "No,"
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
> "Is your Mommy there?"
> "Yes,"
> "May I talk with her?"
>
> Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
> asked, "Is anybody else there?"
> "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
> asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered
> the
> child.
> "Busy doing what?"
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
> answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
> through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
> "What is that noise?">
> "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
> "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
> apprehensive.
> Again, whispering, the child answered,
> "The search team just landed a helicopter,"
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
> "What are they searching for?"
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
> giggle...
>
>
> "ME!"

[sodaklostsoul]

Can you say grounded until their 18!!! ^^^^

[PantyFanatic]

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw h ow he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[sodaklostsoul]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the
store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof)
and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. I'd like
some raisin bread please, the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he
surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the
view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the
eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to
see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and
thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at
the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd's staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin".

[1nutworld]

be careful what you ask for...


When he was watching the ball game this weekend, my friend and his wife and got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation he told her that he never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.


I think that sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[Lilith]

Fw: quotes from Edinburgh Festival...


> >
> >I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
>goat.
> >Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> >Jimmy Carr
> >
> >The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
> >arm bears.
> >Chris Addison at the Pleasance
> >
> >My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
most
>of
> >our family holidays in Customs.
> >Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
> >
> >The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
> >sh*tting herself.
> >Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
> >
> >My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but
> >I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get
> >me
>to
> >sleep at night.
> >Susan Murray at the Underbelly
> >
> >Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
>people
> >were given pointed sticks?
> >Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
> >
> >You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
> >because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
> >flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
> >Self-raising?"
> >Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought

> >the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> >Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
> >
> >I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
the

> >Girl out of Cork...
> >Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
> >
> >Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
>Turned
> >out it was a bloody hoax.
> >Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
> >
> >Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
a

> >winner and a loser at the same time.
> >Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
> >
> >A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
> >The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
> >join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with
a

> >plumber".
> >Steven Alan Green at C34
> >
> >Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
> >Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
> >
> >It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
> >Chris Addison at the Pleasance
> >
> >I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
> >very good at it.
> >Arnold Brown at The Stand
> >
> >If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
> >tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire.

> >They're trained for that.
> >Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[PantyFanatic]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe sipping tea and
chatting about their families.

The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through
pictures and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
"He's a martyr now", says the older Mom.

"Oh, so sad, my dear," says the other Mom.

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son,
Kali He would be 21 now."
"Oh, I remember him, too. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me" says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18 now," Mom whispers.

"Yes", says her friend enthusiastically,
"I remember when he started school."

"He's a martyr also," Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a laung pause and a very deep sigh, the second
Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says

"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"

[sodaklostsoul]

I think may be a repeat....but oh well.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead
> >sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat
>down,
> >but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
> >
> >Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
> >toward the man.
> >
> >He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
> >
> >"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
>place.
> >
> >"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
> >
> >They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the
> >theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
>deepest
> >dreams and he shares his. She listens.
> >
> >After paying for
> >everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
> >place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
> >
> >They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
> >
> >The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The
>guy
> >is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
> >
> >"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to
> >every
> >guy you meet? "
> >
> >"No, "she replies. . . . . "
> >
> >
> >
> >"You just happened to catch my eye."
> >
> >
> >
> >(oh, shut up, and just forward it!)
> >

[sodaklostsoul]

The last one made me laugh!!!!

DR. PHIL:
>
>The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
>must
>first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
>
>after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do
>is
>help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT"
>
>problems before adding "NEW" problems.
>
>
>
>OPRAH:
>
>Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
>
>wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
>learn
>from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going
>to
>give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
>not
>live his life like the rest of th e chickens.
>
>
>
>GEORGE W. BUSH:
>
>We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
>
>know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
>
>either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
>
>
>
>DONALD RUMSFELD:
>
>Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
>of
>the chicken crossing the road.
>
>
>
>ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
>
>We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
>
>allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>
>
>
>JOHN KERRY:
>
>Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
>it!
>It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
>
>intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
>
>
>
>JUDGE JUDY:
>
>That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
>his
>eyes and the way he walks.
>
>
>
>PAT BUCHANAN:
>
>To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>
>
>
>MARTHA STEWART:
>
>No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
>
>standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
>
>dropped to a certain level.
>
>
>
>DR SEUSS:
>
>Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
>
>chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
>
>
>
>ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
>
>To die in the rain. Alone.
>
>
>
>JERRY FALWELL:
>
>Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
>
>front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
>why
>they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
>And
>if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
>
>chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
>
>whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
>That
>chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple
>as
>that!
>
>
>
>GRANDPA:
>
>In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
>told
>us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
>
>
>
>BARBARA WALTERS:
>
>Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
>
>chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
>
>experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
>life
>long dream of crossing the road.
>
>
>
>JOHN LENNON:
>
>Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
>peace.
>
>
>ARISTOTLE:
>
>It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
>
>
>BILL GATES:
>
>I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads,
>but
>will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
>
>book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform
>is
>much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
>
>
>
>ALBERT EINSTEIN:
>
>Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
>the
>chicken?
>
>
>
>BILL CLINTON:
>
>I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
>
>chicken?
>
>
>
>AL GORE:
>
>I invented the chicken!
>
>
>
>COLONEL SANDERS:
>
>"Did I miss one?!!!"
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and
> > pleads
> > >with him that he is graduating from school and would really like
to get
> > a
> > >car.
> > >
> > >His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and
> > points
> > >to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the
farm
> > and
> > >I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
> > >
> > >The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and
> > said,
> > >"Okay, Dad."
> > >
> > >A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting
a
> > new
> > >two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "As soon as that
> > tractor
> > >is paid for . . . "
> > >
> > >Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes
bugging
> > him
> > >for a tricycle. Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor
> > >being paid for first.
> > >
> > >While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted
> > with
> > >the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and
> > promptly
> > >goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back,
mumbling to
> > >himself the whole time.
> > >
> > >His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that?
He
> > >didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
> > >
> > >The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and
says,"Hey,
> > nobody
> > >rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
> > >
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1,2,3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is "1,2,3,4," and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.!
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "1,2,3." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life -just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say1,2,3 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

[dicksbro]

LOL, Sodaklostsoul. I like it.

[Oldfart]

I shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?

[Oldfart]

Just a Vodka ad on a coaster. It's one of a series.

[dicksbro]

I shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?

But, on the other hand, propositions to obtain a desired end should be made using clear sentences. :huh:





:jacques:

[dm383]

PREPARATION



Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish male. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac - 12
pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind is set on
one thing LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!"


His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words
of passion, "Any chance o' ma hole?"


The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.


This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awa tae
f_ck, ya bampot, ye!"





FOREPLAY


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of The male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife,
usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, Here we
go."


Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.





INITIAL PROBLEMS


After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to
extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's
self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle
and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b@stard, "or
possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae the Milkman."





FELLATIO


Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with
a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?"
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler.
"Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me."


Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to
perform such a service for his wife. .!





DOWN TO BUSINESS


Eventually the moment comes to consumate their tender love. Again,
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F_ck me, I've shoat ma
load."


If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.


An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Snotters, Shite,
a*sehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his
mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement
such as, "Are you sure its in?"


Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should
be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah,ooyah, gallus big man."


Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her
nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.


Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs
quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.



I would like to point out at this point.............. this IS a joke!!

DM

[dicksbro]

I would like to point out at this point.............. this IS a joke!!

DM

Oh ...




... and here I was taking notes. :rolleyes:



:roflmao:

[Neige]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao: ^^^

[WildIrish]

Why do blond girls have bruises around their navels.......blonde boys are dumb too! :D

[WildIrish]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:






















Always keep your condoms in your car...

[WildIrish]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what yourwife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

[WildIrish]

A husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I
AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"




His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

[WildIrish]

A man is :car: down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.

Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. :wobbly:

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. :shrug:

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. :(

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and :wish: for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." :huh:

The man sets about his task. :wave:

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, :cheerlead "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk! :p

[wyndhy]

so then monk baby. monk me hard. :p

[osuche]

If a deaf person works at Sonic, where does a one legged person work?















































wait for it. :D

















































































IHOP :rofl:

[jseal]

Sick!

... but I love it! :D

[jseal]

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
and... Should you use some tongue?


Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

[WildIrish]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[ShadowDancer]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
Half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct.

But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[alspals69]

oh i really like that, lmao, nice one!

[Oldfart]

Two of the best.

[sodaklostsoul]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around
>the
> block?"
>
> Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
>
> "What's that mean?" asked the child.
>
> "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take
Belle for
>a
> walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat,
>and to
> come to you."
>
> Dad said, "Bring Belle over
>here."
>
> He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside
>with
> it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep
Belle
>on
> the leash and only go one time round the block."
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on
>the
> leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
>
> (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block,
>so
> another dog is pushing her home."
>
>

[jseal]

A farmer in got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with them there circle flies, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[sodaklostsoul]

A Cajun walks into a bar with
> A pet alligator by his side.
>
>
> He puts the alligator up on the bar.
> He turns to the astonished patrons.
> "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my
>manhood inside.
>
>
> Then the gator will close his
> Mouth for one minute.
>
>
> "Then he'll open his mouth
> And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
> In return for witnessing this
> Spectacle,
> Each of you will buy me a drink."
>
> The crowd murmured their approval.
> The man stood up on the bar,
> Dropped his trousers,
> And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open
mouth.
>
>
> The gator closed his mouth
> As the crowd gasped.
> After a minute,
> The man grabbed a beer
> Bottle and smacked the
> Alligator hard on the top of
> Its head.
>
>
> The gator opened his mouth
> And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
>
>
> The crowd cheered,
> And the first of his free
> Drinks were delivered.
>
>
>
> The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100
>who's willing to give it a try."
>
>
> A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back
>of the bar.
>
>
> A Blonde woman timidly
> Spoke up..........
> "I'll try it -
> Just don't hit me so hard
> With the beer bottle!"
>
>

[WildIrish]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^^!

Study? Who would have thought?

[Oldfart]

WI.

I don't know if you've seen this one yet.

[WildIrish]

WI.

I don't know if you've seen this one yet.


Notice who get's serviced first? :brows:

[PantyFanatic]

….. the political future (http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf) isn't bleak?

[sodaklostsoul]

That was just plain scary!!!!!

[PantyFanatic]

That was my Halloween contribution ;)

[jseal]

….. the political future (http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf) isn't bleak?
PantyFanatic,

Excellento!

[ShadowDancer]

That was just plain scary!!!!!


:doorpeek: creepy!

[Oldfart]

Sadly, probably true.

First female VP?

[sodaklostsoul]

God I hope not.

[jseal]

One day, after 25 years of marriage, I took a good look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... :)

[wyndhy]

A Cajun walks into a bar ....

lol.
reminds me of one...

a failing city zoo spent their last bit of profits to acquire a female gorilla of a very rare species in the hopes that a new attraction would bring more people to visit the zoo. but, as these things usually go, within a few days the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle and violent. no-one wanted to come to the zoo to see a bitchy gorilla who threw things at the spectators.

upon examination, the zoo vet determined the problem: the gorilla was in heat.

to make matters worse, there weren't any male gorillas of her species available for mating. and with the zoo failing the way it was, there was no way to afford a gorilla "stud".

whilst pondering their problem, the vet noticed kevin, a local farmer's son who came to the big city to work at the zoo after the drought destroyed their last crop. he was a big lad, and—like most farmers—had little sense, but he seemed to be possessed of an ample ability to get along with all the animals at the zoo.

the vet went to the zoo's administrators and told them of him his plan; they all agreed they just might have a cheap solution to the horny gorilla problem. and so, kevin was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $200?

good ol' kev showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

the next day, he announced he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"first," he said, "i don’t want to kiss her... second, you must never tell anyone about this..."


the administration all nodded sagely..."of course, of course. mum's the word."


"and third, you gotta give me another week to come up with the $200."

[Oldfart]

Clever boy, our Kevin.

[dicksbro]

An old man is in his back yard trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, but lacking a kite tail, it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries to get the kite up a few more times with no success.

All the while, his old wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do ever ything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!" (Silently she thinks, "Or is it a tail piece?")

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, woman! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Oldfart]

Very good.

[Oldfart]

An oldie but a goodie in our local rag.

A somewhat simple young man decided to go to the Movies, and wished to take his new best friend, a grand champion Bantam Rooster.

Rebuffed unsurprisingly at the ticket counter, he soon returned with the bird stuffed down his trousers.

He settled in next to a pair of little old ladies, and sure enough, as the house lights went down he undid his flies so the bird could watch the movie as well.

The nearest old dear said to her friend "The man beside me has undone his trousers and his cock is sticking out"

Her friend replied "Now Mabel, you've seen enough of those in your lifetime. What's the problem here?"

Mabel said"











































"But this one's eating my popcorn!"

[sodaklostsoul]

Lmao

[Mark Vieth]

This one is short and sweet. I actually heard it in the movie "keeping mum". Rowan Atkinson plays the local priest and on his search to find some jokes he comes across this little gem.

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk go into a bar.
The barman sees them and says, what is this some kind of joke?

[dicksbro]

Women, Wine & Hair.....

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

[dicksbro]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

***************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

[WildIrish]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this huge dick...

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Oldfart]

An unprofessional professional, LOL.

[PantyFanatic]

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[ShadowDancer]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Billy Ray, Duke and Slim.
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

[sodaklostsoul]

*snicker* ^^^^^^^^

[PantyFanatic]

:D ^^^^^^ :thumbs:

[dicksbro]

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunk F***, you're SHITTING IN THE BED!!!"

[wyndhy]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

I don't know if this one's been posted before ... but it's cute ...

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.....

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman from New York in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like A WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Bubba from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time........


No one moves............


He removes his shirt.......... Muscles ripple across his chest.....


She gasps.........







He whispers........."Iron this, then get me a beer."

[dicksbro]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[1nutworld]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



He never heard the shot.

[PantyFanatic]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Oldfart]

Old old old one.

What do you call fish with no eyes?

[WildIrish]

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said "here...put your hands between my thighs to warm them".

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him "here put your hands between my thighs to warm them".

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

[dicksbro]

Boyfriend: You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy.

Girlfriend: Get off my back

[Oldfart]

Fsh.

[WildIrish]

Fsh. :spank:



Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

[PantyFanatic]

Subject: little johnny again


grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating." The teacher
said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate,
not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but
I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

:D

[Oldfart]

Little Johnnie, a hero in any man's language.

[txgrneyes]

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[PantyFanatic]

^^^ :roflmao:





On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a LAWYER?"




:D

[dicksbro]

My son-in-law sent me this. I thought they were cute.


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Be cause it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move
West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

[dicksbro]

Hmmmm ... I'm wondering if I should worry about our kids. :D

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[Oldfart]

Aussie cows, you throw them away but they keep comimg back

[WildIrish]

"radio tapes of their mooing" :roflmao:

[WildIrish]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[WildIrish]

There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.

The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?"
The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

[Oldfart]

Two sailors swabbing the deck.

One said, "Where's the soap?"

The other said "Aye."

[Oldfart]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will

have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.


Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his

room.


"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into

his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,

looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"

I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of

tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"

my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next

appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the

females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can

be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one

thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.


"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And

giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the

woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless

manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm

picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled

the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was

going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...



Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!



Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

[wyndhy]

:roflmao:
iguana say something witty but i'm laughing too ahrd.

[Oldfart]

I'd pay that, but I'm skink.

[IowaMan]

Hopefully this one hasn't been posted already. I just remembered it and thought another Little Johnny joke would be good.


Little Johnny's kindergarten teacher told the class that their homework assignment for the day was to go home and ask their parents to explain the difference between theory and reality. When Little Johnny got home he found his dad out in the garage working on the car. "Daddy, my teacher told me to ask you if you can tell me the difference between theory and reality."

Johnny's dad thought for a moment and replied, "Okay, I can help you out. Go inside and ask your mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Little Johnny didn't really understand what good that would do but he went inside and found his mom in the kitchen. "Mommy, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Johnny's mom thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, you can tell daddy that for a million dollars I would sleep with the neighbor." Johnny took that new information back out the garage and told daddy, "Daddy, mommy says that yeah, she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Johnny's dad nods his head and says, "Okay Johnny, now go ask your sister the same question and come back and give me her answer."

Johnny goes back inside and finds his sister in her bedroom listening to the stereo. "Sis, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars?" Johnny's sister thought about it for a second or two and said, "You know what? For a million bucks, yeah I'd sleep with the neighbor."

Johnny didn't really know what any of this had to do with his homework assignment but he went back out to the garage to let daddy know what Sis had said. "Yeah, Daddy, she said she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Daddy looked at Johnny and said, "Well, there you have it. The difference between theory and reality." Johnny was completely lost and said, "What do you mean Daddy?"

Daddy replied, "Well, in theory we could have two million dollars but in reality we just live with a couple of whores."

[PantyFanatic]

:xmas:

[Oldfart]

Oh, deer.

[Oldfart]

I think this was a Steph one, but in case it's new, here goes.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.



Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading....

[Steph]

I think this was a Steph one, but in case it's new, here goes.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.



Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading....

Ha ha, bril!

[dicksbro]

OF ... :roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

:xmas:

[Oldfart]

PF,

Put a sock in it!

[sodaklostsoul]

Upset Wife ....
>
>
>
>She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman.
>
>The wife was VERY upset!
>
>"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
>your faithful wife, the mother of your children!
>I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>
>And he replied:
>
>"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
>
>
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
say
>to me!"
>
>
>And he began:
>
>
>"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here
>asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
>took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
>thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten
>for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up
>the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat
>because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them
>in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and
>while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
>holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the
>designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear
because
>you say they are too tight . I also gave her the underwear that was
your
>anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
>taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you
>don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought
>at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
>pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued:
>
>
>"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
>to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said;
>
>'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
>
>

[dicksbro]

The Purina Diet

I got this in an email ... and loved it ...

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Oldfart]

Up to scratch, DB.

[WildIrish]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[Oldfart]

One from our local papers again,

What's brown and sticky?
















































A stick.

[Steph]

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

:rofl:

and OF!! That 'brown & sticky' joke has been one of my faves forever.




Another fave:


What do you get when a monkey drinks a can of tomato juice?















An empty can!

:tongue:

[sodaklostsoul]

>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his
> >dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts,
> >worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
> >find him.
> >
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
> >sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
> >
> >"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
> >her knees and blows it right back up."

[IowaMan]

A couple I thought were cute.

[sodaklostsoul]

A Dill Doe.......... LOL!

[PantyFanatic]

:confused:

[sodaklostsoul]

The Wedding Ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out
you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[sodaklostsoul]

PF,

Santa Trial is funny!! I got that in an email and told my boss cause she is going to school to be a lawyer. She was almost crying she laughed so hard.

[sodaklostsoul]

Blonde jokes for the year........ no offense please.

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ...... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little
later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened
it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the
mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There
certainly is!"


(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[PantyFanatic]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly
and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up." :bj:

[PantyFanatic]

:xmas:

[dm383]

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.



December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.



December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!



December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.



January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[IowaMan]

Yet another one I stumbled across as I do a little housekeeping of the files. Makes me glad I live in the era of technology. :thumb:

[Oldfart]

ejected Titles for Children's Books

1. You are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife 'Greg'

4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It Book"

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool

30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!

31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet

32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road

33. You Can't Help It If You're Stupid

34. Patty Went Splat! (Don't YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)


35. Bullies Deserve To Die

36. Mommy's Got A New Baby To Love

38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy

[Oldfart]

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays >

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[PantyFanatic]

"38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy"
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

[Oldfart]

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

[dicksbro]

Why do boys run faster than girls?















Ball bearings and a Gear shift.

[dicksbro]

Little Known Ocean Facts

Little known ocean facts, from the peanut gallery! A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea."

Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones. Here are some of the descriptions of "ocean life."

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls! (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shinytails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

[dicksbro]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches Up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! "When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[dicksbro]

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And
Fire Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

[dicksbro]

Deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah ,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam.

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you inChina. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

=====

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

=====

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa

=====

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Santa

[Oldfart]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

[Oldfart]

He sold his soul to Santa.

[Oldfart]

Subject: FW: BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR & PROBABLY THE CENTURY

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR & PROBABLY THE CENTURY.& lt; BR>
Charlotte, North Carolina:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the
company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
definin g w hat is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.

We hope it's true, but it's a good tale.

[ShadowDancer]

6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2006

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[sodaklostsoul]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER





You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.


Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.





Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.





A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.





A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.





Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.





A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.





A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.





An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.





A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.





A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

[PantyFanatic]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub and gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. :loveshowe She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. :)

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. :D

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth, allowing him to suck them gently. :kisser:

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to ask.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!" :eew:

[ShadowDancer]

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

[Oldfart]

The Good Texan Samaritan..........



In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight

mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
step, only to discover that she couldn't.



So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.



About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.



She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"



The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

[Oldfart]

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK.)

[dicksbro]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

:yikes:

[Oldfart]

Ouch.

[PantyFanatic]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Oldfart]

Was that the nip or the tuck?

[PantyFanatic]

I think it was the chop & dock. :nod:

[Oldfart]

Chop(off)sticks.

[Neige]

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/vis_rad_shield.gif
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/vis_car_wire.gif
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/expl_vis_drop_roll.gif
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/expl_vis_dust.gif
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/bio_vis_resp.gif
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/nuc_vis_building.gif
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

Continued below...

[Neige]

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/expl_vis_closed_door.gif
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/vis_chem_area.gif
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/vis_chem_wash.gif
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/expl_vis_flashlight.gif
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/expl_vis_dont_run.gif
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

[dicksbro]

I love those, PixieSprite! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Just another.

[Salacious]

WAX is Not your Friend

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And feel it too!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise, the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the ki ds, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line,covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted. I think may passout...must stay concious... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair
on it. Whe re is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. "hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the wate r is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!The scream probably
woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

[IowaMan]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

PS: Like we say, don’t Mess with Texas.

[jseal]

IowaMan,

Excellent! :)

[WildIrish]

:loveshowe

Sal said "hoo hoo"!

[jseal]

Salacious,

That was TOO funny! Thank you! Thank you! I needed that! :rofl:

[dicksbro]

Salacious and IowaMan ... those were terrific! Thanks! Ya' made my morning.

[scotzoidman]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came back with a card stuck to her ass that said ...


From all of us
at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.

[sodaklostsoul]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > > people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
> > > of the football team is doing these days -- mowing
> > > my lawn.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > > out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > > dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > > sex with their hot , blonde teachers are permanently
> > > damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> > > "Lucky bastards."
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > > Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
> > > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
> > > You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
> > > and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
> > > with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> > > And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> > > his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> > > Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > > order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
> > > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > > cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
> > > Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> > > huge asshole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> > > right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> > > to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> > > weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> > > high.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > > used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
> > > and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
> > > out the stuff you want and having other people buy
> > > it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
> > > version of looting.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
> > > bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> > > offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> > > with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> > > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> > > fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> > > just want to wash my hands.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > > don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do
> > > just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> > > care in the first place.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
> > > and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
> > > then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
> > > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
> > > future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
> > >
>

[sodaklostsoul]

A VOICE FROM THE BACK PEW
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before
> >>
> >>>the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they
> >>
> >>>passed a
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> >>
> >>>paycheck.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation
> >>
> >>>decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
> >>
> >>>additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher
got
> >>
> >>>up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he
said.
> >>
> >>>Silence fell on the congregation.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
> >>
> >>>said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>wear rubbers."
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>And the congregation said, "Amen
> >>

[sodaklostsoul]

Male
>Strippers
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Last night, my Red Hat friends and I
>went to a Ladies Night Club.
>
> One of the girls wanted to impress the
rest
> of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
>
>
>
> When the male dancer came over to us,
>
> my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck
it to
>his butt cheek!
>
>
>
> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a
$20
>bill.
>
> She called the guy back, licks the
$20
>bill,
>
> and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
>
>
>
> In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
>
> my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls
the
>guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
>
> I'm worried about the way things are going, but
>fortunately,
>
> she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.
>
> My relief was short-lived.
>
>
>
> Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over
>to me!
>
> Now everyone's attention is
focused on
>me,
>
> and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.
>
> My brain was churning as I reached
for
>my wallet.
>
> What could I do?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The woman in me took over!
>
> I got out my ATM card,
>
> swiped it down the crack of his butt,
>
> Grabbed the eighty bucks,
>
> and left!!!!
>
>
>
> "Good Old Red Hat Girls"
>
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

>>>,Bra Codes
>>>
>>>
>>>Mammograms
>>
>>>Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need
to
>>>worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the
exam and
>>>doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test
>>>and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around
>>>your home.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE ONE:
>>>
>>>Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door
>>>as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
>>>
>>>Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time
>>>wasn't effective enough.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE TWO:
>>>
>>>Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just
>>>perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with
>>>one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to
slowly
>>>back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled.
>>>Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE THREE:
>>>
>>>Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
>>>stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts.
>>>
>>>Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an
appointment
>>>with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
>>>
>>>YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
>>>
>>>AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
>>>
>>>MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
>>>MENopause............
>>>
>>>Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
>>>
>>>When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
>>>
>>>Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a
>>>mammogram!!!!!!
>>>
>>>A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
>>>Hard to Find
>>>Supportive
>>>Comfortable
>>>Always Lifts You Up
>>>Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
>>>And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
>>>
>>>Share this with a friend!
>>>I DID
>>
>>

[IowaMan]

I wouldn't have waited for the receipt to print up after swiping the ATM card either Sodak. :roflmao:

The cold garage floor and the rear tire............ :yikes:

[dm383]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.

[dicksbro]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before
his congregation to ask for a raise.

After much discussion, They passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the assembled crowd.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen"

[Oldfart]

SDLS

Have you seen Deja Vu yet?

[sodaklostsoul]

:brows:

[IowaMan]

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.



"No," he says, "The seat is empty."



"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"



The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."



"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"



The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[wyndhy]

Lol^^^

[Oldfart]

I know people like that.

[PantyFanatic]

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass. :banghead:

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
> >>him that she needs to file her taxes.
> >>
> >>The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a
> >>few questions."
> >>
> >>He gets her name, address, social security number,
> >>etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
> >>
> >>"I'm a whore," she says.
> >>
> >>The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That
> >>won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.
> >>
> >>"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
> >>
> >>"No, that still won't work. Try again."
> >>
> >>They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
> >>chicken farmer.
> >>
> >>"The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
> >>being a prostitute?"
> >>
> >>"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
> >>
> >>...."Chicken Farmer it is."
> >>
>
>

[Oldfart]

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which She does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion Tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips ARE properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body-armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

[wyndhy]

:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao: :rofl: :roflmao:

This actually sounded encouraging, especially 5, 8, and 14. :D Not until I got to 16 did I realize this was released from the Washington office of 'King George' as a way to pay the debts for him and the other 'noblemen' of the day.





<--- (quickly copies and pastes, ........flips open address book for a BIG To: mailing) :rofl:

[Oldfart]

From King George to General George and back to King George?

[wyndhy]

from tyranny, oppression and cruel taxes that subsidize the already wealthy elite to....uhm never mind, it's still the same:D

[Oldfart]

A man, apon hearing that he was riddled with cancer, inoperable and not long to go, called the head of Harvard Law School. He offered him a million bucks for a Law Degree and was granted one on the spot.

A few weeks later, as he passed away, all could hear the whispered mantra,












































































"One less lawyer, One less lawyer, One less lawyer . . . . ."

[Oldfart]

Neologism Awards Washington Post Invitational (2006)

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The WashingtonPost's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it 's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[dm383]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies,
"Well you see, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other is in Australia , and I am here in Dublin . When we all left home we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days that we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking a drink from each of them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders 2 pints, all the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.......
"Oh no", he says, "Everyone is fine, it's me..................I've quit drinking..............."

[PantyFanatic]

:roflmao:





Sure that be the way. :cheers:

:irish:

[dicksbro]

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting
on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, Bless her heart, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

[dicksbro]

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Oldfart]

I knew I shouldn't have seen that movie.

[dicksbro]

One must watch out for those Montana Women!!!!


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.


The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Nebraska and he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a girl from Montana and he had told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[dicksbro]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral---I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[dicksbro]

A blonde walked into an ice cream shop and told the guy behind the counter, "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The clerk replied, "I'm sorry, mamm. We're all out of chocolate ice cream right now."

"Oh," the blonde replied. Then, after thinking a minute, she said, "Okay, I'll have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

Thinking she misunderstood, he polietly replied, "I'm sorry, you must have mis-understood me. We have no chocolate ice cream ... no gallons, no half-gallons, no chocolate ice cream."

"Oh," the blonde replied. Again, though, after a pause she said, "I guess then, that I'll have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

Now frustrated, the store clerk repled, "Lady, I'm sorry, we don't have ANY chocolate ice cream! No gallons! No half-gallons! No quarts. NONE. NIL. Nothing. We're out of chocolate!!

"Oh," the blonde replied. "How about a pint of chocolate ice cream?"

To this, the clerk replied, "Lady, can you spell berry ... like in Strawberry?"

"Sure ... B ... E ... R ... R ... Y."

"Very good. Now, can you spell butter ... like in Butter Pecan?"

"I think so," she replied, "B ... U ... T ... T ... E ... R."

"That's wonderful," the clerk answered. Now, can you spell FUCK, like in chocolate?"

The blonde thought a moment and frowned and answered, "There's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[IowaMan]

:roflmao:

[txgrneyes]

This is funny.

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax. Read on..........



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) :huh:

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinairre.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! :roflmao:

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? :yikes:

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still! perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake..
remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! :fone:

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with
a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck ! to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity
has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic
Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! :banghead:

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! :truce:

[dm383]

Owwwwwch!!! I feel that pain! :eek:


The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!



1.DANGEROUS: 2.SAFER: 3.SAFEST: 4.ULTRA SAFE:

1. What's for dinner?
2. Can I help you with dinner?
3. Where would you like to go for dinner?
4. Here, have some wine.

1. Are you wearing that?
2. Wow, you sure look good in brown!
3. WOW! Look at you!
4. Here, have some wine

1. What are you so worked up about?
2. Could we be overreacting?
3. Here's my paycheck.
4. Here, have some wine.

1. Should you be eating that?
2. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
3. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
4. Here, have some wine.

1. What did you DO all day?
2. I hope you didn't over-do it today.
3. I've always loved you in that robe!
4. Here, have some more wine.




13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me (with) Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff,
and my favorite one,
13. Potential Murder Suspect



Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! ...Or men who need a warning.


{The first "bit" was supposed to be in tabular form - but it wouldn't Copy/Paste properly!}

DM

[IowaMan]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with
you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but
perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with
them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: ^^^^ :roflmao:

(That's for all 3 jokes!)

[sodaklostsoul]

*Meow* Too funny!!!

[wyndhy]

a few days after christmas, a mother was cooking in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the play room. she heard the train stop and then her son said, "all you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off 'cause this is the last stop! and all you fuckheads who are getting on, get on 'cause we're haulin ass!"

the mom was shocked at her son's potty mouth so she went in there to tell him, "we do not use that kind of language in this house. you will to go to your room, young man, and stay there for two hours and think about why it is unacceptable to use that kind of language. when you come back out, you may play with your train again but i better not hear any more foul language out of you, mister."

about two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. the mom heard the train stop again and then her son said, "all passengers who are disembarking from the train, please kindly remember to take all of your belongings with you. we thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. we hope you will ride with us again soon. for those of you just boarding, we ask that you to stow all of your luggage securely under your seat. please remember there is no smoking on the train. we hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

just as she was about to go into the play room to tell him how happy she was that he remembered not to use any curse words, the little boy said, "and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO FUCKING HOUR delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen."

[WildIrish]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring
Cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants
pocket and go so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is Worse?
1) having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[wyndhy]

well, my penis is puffickly huge so no. 3 isn't an issue. :p

[WildIrish]

well, my penis is puffickly huge so no. 3 isn't an issue. :p


:wtp: