=====>Jokes<=====

[sodaklostsoul]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take
>any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing
>one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>Here are this year's winners. None of them get through spell check.
>
>1. *Intaxication*: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you
>realize it was your money to start with.
>
>2. *Reintarnation*: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>3. *Bozone* (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright
>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
>of breaking down in the near future.
>
>4. *Foreploy*: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting laid.
>
>5. *Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
>financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>6. *Giraffiti*: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>7. *Sarchasm*: The gulf b etween the author of sarcastic wit and the
person
>who doesn't get it.
>
>8.* Inoculatte*: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
>
>9.* Hipatitis*: Terminal coolness.
>
>10. *Osteopornosis*: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
>
>11. *Karmageddon*: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad
>vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious
>bummer.
>
>12. *Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>13. *Glibido*: All talk and no action.
>
>14. *Dopeler effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>15. *Arachnoleptic fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've
>accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>16. *Beelzebug *(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>
>17. *Caterpallor* (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the
>fruit you're eating.
>
>And the pick of the literature:
>
>18. *Ignoranus*: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>

[cowgirltease]

Those are great Soda! :D

[Master Scribe]

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? ....Is this 555-7039??"

[sodaklostsoul]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local
paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race
again,
and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper
headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of
the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local
paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of
the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the
paper
read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

[sylverpenny]

Beans For Dinner...

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
the more you eat,
the more you toot,
the more you toot,
the better you feel,
so let's have beans for EVERY meal!!!

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html

[sodaklostsoul]

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.



Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!



Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.



California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.



Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.



Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.



Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.



Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.



Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.



Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)



Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good



Illinois
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"



Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free



Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn



Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States



Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names



Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.



Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster



Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It



Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
or Most Tax Brackets)



Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians



Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes



Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State



Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work



Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.



Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest



Nevada
Hookers and Poker!



New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone



New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!



New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets



New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...



North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable



North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!



Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan



Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing



Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner



Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal



Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island



South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender



South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota



Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State



Texas
Sí, Hablo Ingles



Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus



Vermont
Yep



Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?



Washington
We have more rain than you do



Washington, D.C.
Wanna Be Mayor ?



West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!



Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

[lizzardbits]

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets


I think i might be moving there! roflmao!

[sodaklostsoul]

The $5,000 Loan


> > A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan
> > officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new
Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank, she has
the
title and everything checks out.

>The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The
>bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the Blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000
loan. An
employee
of >the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the
bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks
later, the blonde
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41.
The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you
are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow
$5,000?"

>The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City
can I park my car

>for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

[sodaklostsoul]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife
were
>>>>>>>>> > spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting,
>>>>>>>>>pink
>>>>>>>>dress -
>>>>>>>>> > sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and
>>>>>>>>> > T-shirt.
>>>>>>>>> > As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in
front of
>>>>>>>>> > a
>>>>>>>>> > large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
went
>>>>>>>>> > crazy.
>>>>>>>>> > He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
>>>>>>>>> > feet),
>>>>>>>>> > he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
>>>>>>>>> > He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
dress.
>>>>>>>>> > The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
funny. He
>>>>>>>>> > suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
>>>>>>>>> > puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and
>>>>>>>>> > the
>>>>>>>>> > gorilla got
>>>>>>>>> > even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
fall
>>>>>>>>> > to
>>>>>>>>> > show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about
to >
>>>>>>>>>tear the
>>>>>>>>> > bars down.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he
>>>>>>>>>said.
>>>>>>>>> > This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started
doing >
>>>>>>>>>flips.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the
>>>>>>>>> > cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door >
>>>>>>>>>shut.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now, tell him you have a headache."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>

[dicksbro]

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

(ready?)











"No, from skipping."

[wyndhy]

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html
OMG that^^^was sooooo funny. my daughter loved it! ty!

[sylverpenny]

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.'

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[sylverpenny]

OMG that^^^was sooooo funny. my daughter loved it! ty!


You are welcome. :)

[Dubblz]

Women, you're in good shape as long as you can
still touch your toes.
Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count!

------------------------------------------

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

---------------------------------------

Hee Hee Heee

[MilkToast]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[Dubblz]

Poem for women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Author Unknown

----------------------------------

[sylverpenny]

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response.

If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

[sylverpenny]

You're at a party. You've been drinking heavily and now you
are pretty drunk and need to use the facilities. You go down
the hall and open the door to this place.

[Winston77]

:bsex:

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter,
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before
midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach,
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful
businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

[sylverpenny]

How to Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

" How To Shower Like A Man "

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light & fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

[sodaklostsoul]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
her
>to
>fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
that
>she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
>baby.
>The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The
babies
>are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to
>herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she
asks
>the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
>"Denise," the doctor answers.
>The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was
wrong
>about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the
doctor,
>"What's the boy's name?"
>The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[sodaklostsoul]

Why We Love Children
>
>
>
>
> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but
>it was dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
>child innocently.
> You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
>and it didn't move."
>
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>
>
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>mischief,
> finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said,
> "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
>door
> until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
>out!'"
>
>
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
> a mother was tucking her son into bed.
> She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
>in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> "The big sissy"
>
>
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>children's
> sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
> as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
>microphone,
> "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
>
>
>
> 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
>year old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
> the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
>tummy."
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
>
>
> 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
> "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
>doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
>asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
>you teaching my son in math?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
>two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
>them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
>
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
>Chicken Little
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
>Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
> Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
>sky is falling!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class,
> "And what do you think that farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said,
> "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
> "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
>Sugarbrown."
> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
> "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>
>
>
> 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play
>with the boys?"
> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
>too rough."
> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
> "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>
>
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
>cut,
> eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're
>gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
>

[sodaklostsoul]

OK! Enough spin doctoring and fake feel good e-mails? Are you tired of all those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that really speaks friendship;



1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.



2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.



4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.



5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.



6. When you are confused - I will use little words.



7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend.



Remember: A good friend will help you move... A really good friend will help you move a body!



Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[dm383]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS!

[sylverpenny]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

==============================

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)

==============================

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)

==============================

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

==============================

A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was featured
on "Oprah". (-15)

==============================

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-10,000)

==============================

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

==============================

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned _expression. (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)

[Winston77]

A man went into a local tavern and took a seatat the bar next to a woman patron. he turned to her and said, " This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

" What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My huband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

"How did your chickenss become fertile?" she asked

"I swiched cocks," he replied

"What a coincidence," she said

[Flutter_By]

I really hope this isnt already in here somewhere but...

Why is it that when a woman dresses in leather a man gets all choked up, becomes weak in the knees, his heart beats fast, and he gets dizzy?

Because she smells like a new truck.

[sylverpenny]

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of
your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about
it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in
because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt,
Mom

[nikanik]

I needed that laugh Penny.

[sylverpenny]

You are welcome. :)

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
> > > >
> > > >After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
>tells her
> > > >closest friend that there
> > > >is none of the $30,000 left.
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "How can that be?
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. and of course
I
>made a
> > > >donation to the church.
> > > >That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and
>drinks,
> >you
> > > >know. .. The rest went
> > > >for the memorial stone."
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how
big
>is it?"
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Three carats."

[Dubblz]

A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what

at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let
me guess- small cox".

[Dubblz]

In The News......

A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper
who failed to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party.
Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to 30 days of court supervision
in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay $2,000 to the victim.

The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches
when he was punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer
bottle after his July 2002 performance at a local motel. Police said
the women partygoers became angered because while performing
allegedly a small potato fell out of the male stripper's briefs on to
the floor.

[Dubblz]

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could
talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me
during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was
born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly
on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"

[dicksbro]

I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...

-----

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.

"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"

[boilergirl1]

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

[boilergirl1]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and
>asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
>aroused state her husband readily agreed.
>
>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30
years,
>with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and
>other incidentals that she needed.
>
>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in
>a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his
>employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had
>been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to
find
>another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
>therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
>deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
>certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
>million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors
in
>the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for
sex,
>these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
>savings and investments.
>
>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
>husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his
>voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would
>have given you all my business!"
>
>THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!
>
>You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.

[wyndhy]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

:D

[jseal]

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we have sex.” The doctor shrugs his shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks.

“My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her stomach.

“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?”

“No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

[sodaklostsoul]

The Value of Securing a Second Opinion



The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your horrendous headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. But given the terrible pains
that he’d been suffering for years he felt that he had
no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life, at last headache free.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see... size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been
in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and
said "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit
perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a second and said, "Sure."



The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."



Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one heck
of a headache."



ALWAYS get a second opinion..

[Oldfart]

A Bacon Tree?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Speek to me!"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

"Ees,










Ees,












"Ees, a Ham Bush!

[BIBI]

LOL at the ham bush

[Oldfart]

Another from the ex-

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face
up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for
a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane
still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I
dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the
coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my
mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!!!

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!

[east]

The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He
had narrowed it down to one of two people, Susan or Jack. It would
be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever
one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Susan came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
and the boss approached her and said, "Susan, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Susan replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

[wyndhy]

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven
Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope. "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey Turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey
screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[sodaklostsoul]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
>Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence,
a
>22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at
>11:38p.m. on Friday.
>
>
>
>Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
>indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on
>Monday.
>
>
>
>The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided
>to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was
>no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
>stated in a phone interview.
>
>
>
>Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
>picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a
>hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
>really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>
>
>
>In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
>police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
>Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
>sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just
>working away at his pumpkin."
>
>
>
>Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
>"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
>are screwing a pumpkin?'
>
>
>
>"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
>looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it
>midnight already?'"

[Steph]

More Witty Words of Wisdom:

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot
other people in the eyes.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
for the rest of the day.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

[wyndhy]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me"?

[wyndhy]

and the blond joke to end all blond jokes




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[dicksbro]

OMG. ROTFLMAO. :D :grin: :D

[wyndhy]

you like blonde jokes, db? here's another :D
not as funny and i'm typing it from memory



a gorgeous blonde speeding down the highway is pulled over. a male officer walks up to the driver’s side window and asks for her license and registration.

“license? registration? but i have no idea what they are!” she says.

“your registration is a slip of paper with the vehicle’s information on it, ma’am, and it’s most likely in your glove box. your license is a square card with your picture, birth date and address on it and it’s most likely in your wallet.”

“oh wait! i’ve seen those before. i can find them.” she rummages around a bit and hands them over to the cop.

as the cop asks examines the documents, he asks, “ma’am, did you know you were going 90 in a 55?”

“no! what’s going to happen to me now?” she asks

“i’ll have to give you a ticket.”

“a ticket! what’s a ticket?” she cries.

the cop looks left and then right, shrugs and starts to unzip his fly.

“oh no,” she says, throwing up her hands, “not another breathalyzer!”

[dicksbro]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?", she asks.

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!".

[sodaklostsoul]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up.
> A woman walked by and asked "What are you doing?"
>
> "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba,
"but we
>don't have a ladder."
>
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid
>the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
>measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
>
> Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde!
>We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
>

[dicksbro]

LOL ... that was cute.

Short ... but corny cute VVVV ...

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

[dicksbro]

... and, since I'm on the Sunday School kick ...

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

[sodaklostsoul]

Football FINALLY makes sense..........
>A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great
>seats
>right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked
>the experience.
>
>"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all
>the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each
>other over 25 cents."
>
>Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
>
>"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the
>game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
>quarterback!' I'm like...
>Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents"!!
>
>
>
>
>
>it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you;
>it's what you leave behind you when you go
>
>
>
>
>
>

[BigBear57]

When Jim met Sharon....They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved
in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, "Surely you can't be ready for
more already?" Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit
nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own."
:bang:

[dm383]

Got these through my work Email today....... could REALLY have done with some of this!!

[dm383]

But, having had the "pleasure" of meeting my ex-mother-in-law this afternoon, I can see where this is coming from!!

(Sorry to all the nice m-i-l's out there!!)

DM

[dicksbro]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".

"He's a martyr, too." says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Steph]

:rofl: DM! I love vodka coolers! I'm drinking one now, in fact!

OMG DB!! TOO GOOD!!

OK, here's one for the Canadian contingent:

Q: How do you kill a one-legged fox?

A: You make him run across Canada.

[lonelyarmywife]

If the stork brings white babies
And the crow brings black babies
What kind of bird brings no babies?




























A SWALLOW!!! :rofl:

[dicksbro]

OK, here's one for the Canadian contingent:

Q: How do you kill a one-legged fox?

A: You make him run across Canada.

Speaking of Canada ... a Canadian friend of mine shared one time ...

Canada was an old Indian word "CND" ... but you know how Canadians are ..

C .. eh .. N .. eh .. D .. eh

... and it stuck! :)

[moose]

a little old lady shaing violently goes into an adult shop, walks up to the counter still shaking and the shop assistant looks at the lady shaking and asks if he can help her
the lady looks at the assistant and said stuttering "dddooo youuu sellll dildoooss aboutt 10 inchees longgg, 3 inchess rounddd andd blackkk"
the assistant looks at the shaking woman and said " yes we do mam why"
the lady looks at him and replies " welllll howww dooo youuu turnnn theee fuckinnn thinggg offffffff"

[moose]

last one i promise...

a assistant in a large department store was gazing around the store when he see's the head of a man pertruding from an isle not far from him just moving backwards and forwards without him actually moving down the isle, the assistant proceeded with his work and about 5 minutes later he could hear a slight moaning noise coming from the direction of where he saw the man, he glanced over and sure enough the mans head was moving backwards and forwards still and he was moaning, the assistant thought what the hell is he doing so he moved around the store to get a look at what he was up to, finally he got in a position where he could see the man front on just standing in the one position thrusting his pelvis out then back the out again and so on still moaning but now his tongue was hanging out as he was moaning and thrusting, the assistant could not stand it any longer and decided to go and ask the man what he was up to, so he walk straight up to the man and said "excuse me what do you think you are doing" the man looked him straight in the eye and replied "fuckin nothing

thats it boom boom

[dicksbro]

**Sunday Morning Sex**

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even ... nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the damm ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[Steph]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few hits.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking ajoint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....
"Shhhhiiiiiiitttttt.......DUDE,.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[jseal]

Steph,

Excellent! :)

[dicksbro]

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

[Steph]

ROFL DB!

This one's pretty cheesy but hey, it's about sheep!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with
his farm ... especially, the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep
them from breeding with the females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated
14 sheep and his French worker was just about to
throw away the severed "parts" when the sheep farmer yelled,
"No -- Don't throw those away -- My
wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're
delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries'!"*

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for
supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep
Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that
evening they all settled down to another supper of
"Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer
came in for supper, he asked his wife where the
French hired hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told him that since there weren't that many
'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to
have French fries ... and he ran like his ass was on
fire!"

[dicksbro]

Loved it, Steph. :grin:

I liked this ...

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of irish father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance irish Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

[Steph]

Confession was never that fun! :grin:

Love that sig, too, DB!

[jseal]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. She said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. She was so excited that she immediately shared her joy with her congregation and said she'd like to personally thank the member who placed the bill in the plate.

A quiet, elderly and saintly lady in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving invited her to pick out three hymns.

The old lady’s eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him...







and him...







and him."

[dicksbro]

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is ...

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!

[dicksbro]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

-----

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-----

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

-----

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-----

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

-----


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-----

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-----

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-----

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-----

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

-----

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

-----

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-----

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

-----

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

-----

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

-----

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-----

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-----

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

[dicksbro]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had
to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[WildIrish]

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.

[Oldfart]

Some of these are new (to me).

Haha! A few of these are great!


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

[sodaklostsoul]

This is a hoot. Enjoy.
>
>
> If everyone went back to writing checks and requiring bills to be
>
> mailed to us most financial institutions would be ruined
>
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
>
> 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
>
> have it published in the New York Times.
>
>
>
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>
> endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>
> nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
>
> the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
>
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
>
> salary, an arrangement, which I admit, has been in place for only
>
> eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
>
> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
>
> inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>
> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
>
> whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when
>
> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
>
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
>
> become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>
> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
>
> no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
>
> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
>
> whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>
> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
>
> Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
>
> am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
>
> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
>
> alternative.
>
> Please note that, all copies of his or her medical history must be
>
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
>
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
>
> must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
>
> your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings
>
> with me.
>
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
>
> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
>
> my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
>
> level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
>
> buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>
> nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later
>
> date to the Authorized Contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
>
> be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>
> ! will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> (Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman)
>
> That A Girl!!!!!!!!!

[dm383]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.... You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.... You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But .....

Wait a minute....



Lookee here!!!

DM

[dicksbro]

LOL, DM! That's terrific. :grin:

[WildIrish]

Today a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

No, I don't , said the little boy.

Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!!...

...It's a piece of ass!"

[WildIrish]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was
nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[sodaklostsoul]

Lol

[dm383]

[Just so you know, Asda is the UK arm of (Walmart) ]


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,
"My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies,
"there's a diagnostic computer at Asda, Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...A lot quicker and better
than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Asda.

He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity, It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled!

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never get better...Thank you for shopping at Asda.

[WildIrish]

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house
together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She
put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs
"was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She started up the stairs and paused.
Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and
said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

[Oldfart]

On a slightly different note, here's one for PFfrom our local paper.

I'll get this attached yet!!!!

[Oldfart]

On a slightly different note, here's one for PFfrom our local paper.

I'll get this attached yet!!!!

Try2

[dm383]

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen





Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f*ck off and leave me alone.



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a brokenfanbeltandaflattyre.SPANFONTP



The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.



Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



Remember, no one is listening until you fart.



Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.



Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments



Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.



If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.



Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.



The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



A closed mouth gathers no feet.



There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.



Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.



Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse


The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.



Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.



DM

[BIGbad]

Two cannibals kill a hunter in the jungle and they can't decide how to divide up the body.

They decide that one will begin eating the hunter from the head down and the other from the feet up.

The one struggles and struggles to eat the head and finally gets it down. He asks the other if he is enjoying the meal. To which the other replies "yeah I am having a ball!"

The one who had just finished eating the head then replies "SHIT YOU HAD BETTER SLOW DOWN!"

[sodaklostsoul]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
>
>
>
> business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort
>
> with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd
>
> better buy her a little something to keep her occupied
>
> while he was gone.
>
>
>
> He went to a store that sold sex toys and started
>
> looking around for something special to please his wife
>
> and began talking to the old man behind the counter.
>
>
>
> He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
>
> we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
>
> but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
>weeks,
>
> "except," and he stopped.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Except what?" the man asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Nothing, nothing."
>
>
>
>
>
> "C'mon, plese tell me! I need something!"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
>
> is the Voodoo Penis."
>
>
>
>
>
> "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> The old man reached under the counter and pulled out
>
> a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols
>
> and erotic images. He opened it and there lay an
>
> ordinary looking dildo.
>
>
>
> The businessman laughed and said, "Big damn deal. It
>
> looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
>
>
>
> The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
>
> He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted
>
> over to the door and started pounding the keyhole.
>
> The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so
>
> that a crack began to form down the middle.
>
>
>
> Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo Penis, return
>
> to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box
>
> and lay there quiet once more.
>
>
>
> "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>
>
>
> The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
>dildo
>
> and that to use it all she had to do was say 'Voodoo Penis, my
>crotch'.
>
>
>
> After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny
>and
>
> remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and
>said,
>
> "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
>absolutely
>
> incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
>
>
>
> After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted
>and
>
> decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was
>stuck in her,
>
> still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it but, but nothing
>worked. Her husband
>
> had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
>
>
>
> Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
>help.She put her
>
> clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with
>every thrust of the dildo.
>
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve
>all over the road.
>
>
>
> A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
>asked for her license
>
> and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and
>twitching, she explained,
>
> "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
>this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
>
> in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
>
>
>
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in
>an arrogant voice replied,
>
> "Yeah, right..... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
>
>
>
> The rest is history

[musicman]

4 beer moguls meet in a bar.....

they sit down, chew the fat and the server comes over to take their order....

the head of Miller orders a Miller Lite

seeing this was ok, the head of Anheiser Busch orders a Bud....

The head of Coors obviously orders his own drink....a coors...

the server then turns to the head of Guinness and asks, "and you sir?"

he responds, "I'll have a soda please."

the others turn to him and ask why he's not having a drink with them?

And the head of Guinness answers, "well if you're not having a beer, then neither am I"

[dicksbro]

A Pepsi salesman was visiting a tribe of cannibals hoping to make a sale.

"What do you like to drink with arms?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with arms," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with legs?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with legs," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with fingers?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with fingers," came the reply.

Then, almost bashfully, he asked, "And, er, what do you like with ... ah ... that male thing?"
"Me like Coke with cock," repled the chief.
Puzzled, the salesman asked, "Why Coke ... you liked Pepsi with arms, legs and fingers?"

"Because," the chief smiled, "THINGS GO BETTER WITH COKE."

:)

[dicksbro]

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches
that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack.
After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on
to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died
of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the
sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the
lions' cage.

"Bloody bore!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

[dicksbro]

Mailman's Retirement

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[sodaklostsoul]

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
>
> A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
>looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
>on his gloves.
>
> "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
> "No, I don't" she replied
>
> "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank
>of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their
>hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes
>of the right size.
>
> " She didn't crack a smile.
>
> "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
>
> But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
>procedure, she burst out laughing.
>
> "What's so funny?" he asked.
>
> "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
>
> Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
>working .
>

[dm383]

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time
it's mayonnaise."

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid
yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Aye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."

A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that
thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's
no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fuckin' hunners o' them!"

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

[dm383]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this....

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the city of Sydney drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Dave."

DJ: "Dave, are you married or what?"

Dave: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Dave: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Dave: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Dave?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Dave! Is she at work?"

Dave: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Dave! Stay with me here!"

Dave: "About 8 o'clockthis morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Dave: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would never have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Dave: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Dave: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Dave. Where was it at?"

Dave: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Dave: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Dave on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "Speaking."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Dave for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Dave knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of' 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Dave: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Dave, what the hell are you up to?"

Dave (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Dave's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Dave.... uh, this morning before Dave went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, DAVE!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Dave: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah..... Where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."


After a long pause, the DJ said,

"Folks, we need to take a station break".





If it ain't true.......... it should be!!!

DM

[jseal]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"







(hang on, it is worth it...)







The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[dm383]

Man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to

his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000....

Woooohooo!!!!"

That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up,and brings it

into the car.

"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?", she asks.

Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "

"But what about the smell?", she says

"Hold its nose.", comes the reply

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with one of the finest looking pair of breasts I've ever seen was there so instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too.I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."




------------------------------------------------------------------------ --Phone Tale:

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run

upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."


***long pause***


***more pause****


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


DM

[dicksbro]

Okay, I know I'll be in trouble ... but here goes ..

[Oldfart]

Yes, there'll be trouble in Pixieville tonight.

[eroticalover1]

OMG you are a bad bad boy!! LOL!! :devilish:

[WildIrish]

A man was on a first date with a woman at a restaurant. As they were sitting and talking, an elephant’s trunk comes up from under the table near the man and grabs a roll.

"What the hell was that?" said the woman.

"Well, " said the man, "I lost my penis in an accident and the doctor transplanted an elephant’s trunk in it’s place."

"That’s incredible" said the woman, "Can I see it?"

"A little later," said the man, "I don’t think my asshole can take another roll right now."

[dm383]

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.


Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL, a UK cable TV etc. ocmpany,(to their complaints dept....)


Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

[Oldfart]

What an inconsiderate bastard!! He didn't even sign the letter "with love".

[Oldfart]

Some of these are so old ....

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[Lilith]

This is so not funny..













What has 3 legs and lives on a farm?































The McCartney's :D

[alspals69]

maybe its just me, but it made me laugh!

[alspals69]

the refuse collector arrives at the chinese resteraunt to find the owner outside.

"Excuse me mate," he says "but where's ya bin?"
"Ohhhhh!!! I's bin to hong kong"
"No, no... where's your wheely bin?"
"ahhhh yes... I's wheely bin to hong kong"

[Oldfart]

Lil,

Are you trying to cast a Paul on this thread?

[Oldfart]

alspals69

Our version of that is

Billy- Where's ya bin?

Jacky- Holidays

Billy- No where's ya bin?

Jacky- Bloody holidays.

Billy- No, where's ya wheely bin?

Jacky- Jail!

[alspals69]

Looks like nothing in this world is ever original.! Ah well.

One of my fave lines was from british comedian who was a bit corny a lot of the time...

"When i said i was going to be a comedian everyone laughed at me...well... there not laughing now"
Bob Monkhouse

[Oldfart]

Is that like the stand-up comic who quit because everyone was laughing at him?

[alspals69]

actually he was pretty funny.. but he is implying that no one laughed at him after he became a comedian

[Oldfart]

I know, and enjoy Monkhouse.

Hard to go past the two Ronnies.

[Bardog]

I thought you guys/gals might like this.





A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked
the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season
tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

[dm383]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

(Hey, I work in this field....I'm allowed!)

DM

[dm383]

A wee bit far to go, just for a game!!

DM

[dm383]

But I can remember thinking this when I was married!!

DM

[dm383]

Guys, you really need to curb that right hand!!

DM

[dm383]

In a lame effort to make up for "closeeyes"....... the perfect gift for the lady in your life?!?!

DM

[dm383]

Sick, I know, but somehow quite amusing (I thought, anyway!)

DM

[dm383]

And I'll probably be in trouble again! Ho hum!

DM

/me wanders out of the thread, whistling innocently

[dicksbro]

That's cute, DM. Terrific.

DB

[jseal]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet. After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.



























"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

[dm383]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says
she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An
Employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which
comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy To have had your
business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we Checked you out and found that you
are a millionairess. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"

The blonde replies...

Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

[dm383]

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.



**************************************************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over

Four hours.



**************************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she

took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.



He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.



So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a

Little harder, and still nothing happened.



Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"



The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.



The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



**************************************************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.



The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye

was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked

her to read the letters.



As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.



"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."



"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.



**************************************************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.



She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a

thermos. It keeps some things hot and some things cold"



"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"



So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.



"What do you have there?" he asked.



"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.



Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"



The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".



**************************************************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.



The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf

balls".



Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

asked,



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"



*************************************************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy

her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply

adored her new phone.



The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie,"

he said, "how do you like your new phone?"



Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."



"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.



"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Apologies to all blonde Pixies.... I got it SENT to me, honest!!

DM

[sodaklostsoul]

INEXPENSIVE ALARM SYSTEM
> >
> > Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots --
> > a really big pair.
> >
> > Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and
Ammo"
> > magazine (you don't have to actually OWN guns, to do this).
> >
> > Put a dog dish beside it. A really BIG dog dish.
> >
> > Leave a note on your front door that says something like:
> >
> > "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -- back in
½
>hr.
> > Don't disturb the Pit-Bulls; they've just been de-wormed."
> >
> > _

[dicksbro]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[dm383]

What Happens When You Get A Blonde Genie?


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's
dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.



One blonde genie says to the other one,

"I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me".

[dm383]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers,

"Well, son, there're three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[sodaklostsoul]

Here's an Irish story......
> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
most of
>the night.
>Mick, the bartender, said to him, "You'll not be drinking any more
tonight,
>Paddy".
> Paddy replied "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then".
>
>Paddy spun around on his stool and stepped off. He fell flat on his
face.
>"Shoite" he said, and pulled himself up by the bar stool and dusted
himself
>off. He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face again.
>Shoite, Shoite!" He looked toward the doorway and thought to himself,
"If
>I can just get to the door and get some fresh air, I'll be fine." He
belly
>crawled to the door and shimmied up to the door frame. He stuck his
head
>outside and took a deep breath of fresh air. Immediately, he felt much
>better and took a step out onto the pavement. Plop. He fell flat on
his
>face again. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," Paddy said, wondering
what
>was wrong.
> He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled down
the
>street to the front door and shimmied up to the doorway. Then he
opened
>the door and wringled inside. He took a look up the stairs and said,
"No
>fockin' way". But finally, with great effort, he crawled up the
stairs to
>his bedroom door, and using the door frame to stand up, he decided, "I
can
>make it to the bed". He took a step into the room and fell flat on
his
>face.
>
>"Fock this," he said, "I gotta stop drinking," and fell into bed.
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, came into the bedroom carrying a
cup
>of coffee. She said to him, "Time to get up, Paddy. Did you have a
bit to
>drink last night?"
> Paddy replied, "That I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd
you
>know?"
>
> "Mick called......You left your wheelchair at the pub."
>

[Steph]

Lolol Slds!

[sodaklostsoul]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
>
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him
he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the
cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and
his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
>
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
have milk in my cereal?"
>
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a
week you aren't getting any milk."
>
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen.
>
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[sodaklostsoul]

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned just before the phone rang.

The telephone repairperson proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly woman. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone did not ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairperson found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. Thus the dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current each time the phone number was dialed.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and consequently urinate on himself as well as the surrounding ground.

5. The wet ground completed the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring which of course demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: New Hunting Dog
>>
>>
>>
>>Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my
>>Dog Out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't
>>any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
>>So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
>>Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks
>>out There."
>>Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
>>Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets
>>back He says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There
>>really Are Only two ducks out there!"
>>Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
>>want, You can get one from him, too."
>>So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
>>Friend Chester has.
>>The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out
>>and Look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's
>>mouth And Starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back
>>to the Breeder And Says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
>>The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when
>>he Sent The dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's
>>mouth and Started humping his leg.
>>The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there
>>are More fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

[dicksbro]

LMAO. That's funny! Thanks.

[Lilith]

Subject: Intelligent People



Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. "The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, then says "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles and says "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."



Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

[sodaklostsoul]

Heheheheh

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Once a flower . . . always a flower...


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so
darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as
she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

[sodaklostsoul]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Fwd: Virus warning




"Somethin' Like This..."
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!











HAVE A GOOD DAY!!

[sodaklostsoul]

What is butt dust?
>>
>>
>>
>> These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this
>> creative!!
>>
>> JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
>> sister. After a while he
>> asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
>> milk?"
>>
>> MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
>> replied
>
>> she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you
>> don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
>> Mine say five to six."
>>
>> STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you
>> so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
>> window."
>>
>> BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
>> tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
>> her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it
>> for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it
>> know it's me?
>>
>> SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
>> "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
>> cough."
>>
>> D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
>> much
>
>> do I cost?"
>>
>> MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
>> and kissing in a restaurant.
>> Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
>> "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
>>
>> CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
>> Mom
>
>> asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
>> happen
>
>> with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
>>
>> JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
>> His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
>> out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
>> Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
>>
>> TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
>> rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
>> Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin
>> fit your face?
>>
>> The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this
>> particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
>> extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
>> "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that
>> moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to
>> me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom,
>> what
>
>> is butt dust?"
>>
>>
>>
>>

[WildIrish]

Butt Dust? :confused:




OMFGROFLMAOBBQ on a bicycle!

[Oldfart]

A very very dry follow through?

[dm383]

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrhoea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

& the best for last!

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten!


Now then - some of you ladies (maybe guys too, no sexism HERE!) may well have been on the receiving end of one or more of these....... DO TELL!!

DM

[dm383]

These are all from a UK comedian named Peter Kay. He's English, but quite funny despite that slight handicap!! (Sorry all you English folk - just my wee joke, y'understand. It's the lack of nicotine y'know!)

Hope you like!


1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said “Thyroid problem?"

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
*
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
*
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
*
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
*
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
*
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From thereon it was sticks and stones all the way.
*
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
*
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
*
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My Neighbour*said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
*
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
*
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
*
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
*
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
*
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
*
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before
*
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
*
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
*
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
*
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
*
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
*
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
*
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
*
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
*
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
*
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half Way through and then raced against the flush.
*
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
*
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
*
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
*
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
*
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
*
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
*
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*
Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:
*
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when women get undressed?
*
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
*
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
*
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
*
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
*
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
*
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
*
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
*
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
*
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
*
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
*
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
*
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
*
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
*
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
*
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
*
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
*
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?*


DM

[WildIrish]

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet. :p

[sodaklostsoul]

That's Baaaaaad WI!!

[wyndhy]

lmao...you forgot the easy clean-up. :p

[Steph]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[sodaklostsoul]

^^^^^^^^funny!

THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a
download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said..............You've Got Male."

[sodaklostsoul]

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Redneck Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm." A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand." The Redneck Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Knew She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. When She Knew All Had Noticed, The Redneck Woman Finally Said... "well, Will You Look At That, I'm Gettin' A Fax."

[sodaklostsoul]

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

[sodaklostsoul]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
>
>
>
>A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
>speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to
>listen.
>
>
>
>MAN: "Hello"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Yes"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
>only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Sure..go ahead if you like it that much."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
>models. I saw one I really liked."
>
>
>
>MAN: "How much?"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "$60,000"
>
>
>
>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is
>back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>
>
>
>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
>
>
>
>The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
>
>
>
>Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>
>
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: BLOND!


> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
> show
> > in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
> > starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
> >
> > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
> > starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
> > What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
> > the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
> being?
> > It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
> work and
> > in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.
> Because
> > you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not
> only
> > blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
> >
> > The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
> yells,
>
> "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on
> your knee."
>

[dicksbro]

This one will quack you up

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from
head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!!



READY??



"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00.

[dicksbro]

BEER:

I don't understand. ----



After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL @ DB.....too funny.

[Oldfart]

Loved it, DB.

[moose]

db ,very funny i'll have to change my pants as i pissed myself laughing

[sodaklostsoul]

Cajun Math

Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees ! is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Thought you'd like this one)

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

[dm383]

Hope you can all understand this!!


After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, Renfrew and Old Kilpatrick.

[dm383]

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


N.B. DM383 Publications accepts absolutely NO blame, responsibility or previous knowledge of this release. I didn't even think it was funny, honest ladies. I only posted it to demonstrate even further the typical gender stereotyping that persists in today's corporate-fed society.

Oh, ok.......OK! I thought it was funny, alright?!?! so sue me!

DM

[Oldfart]

Received better by the male half of this unit.

LOL

[BIBI]

How come there is no mention of the two hours the man took driving around to find the machine.......;)

[Debbie_007]

Probly for the same reason the Two hours for the woman to actually get ready to go to the machine wasn't mentioned.

[Oldfart]

Did anyone mention that her pay wasn't due to go in for another four hours?

[BIBI]

Probly for the same reason the Two hours for the woman to actually get ready to go to the machine wasn't mentioned.

Naw....everyone knows we get ready as we drive somewhere.

[BIBI]

Did anyone mention that her pay wasn't due to go in for another four hours?

Did anyone mention that HIS already had.....

[Oldfart]

Ooohhhh.

[alspals69]

next there is bound to be a joke about why women order meals consisting of 3 carrot sticks and a peice of anorexic lettuce before eating 3/4 of their guys food!!

[Oldfart]

Surely not. There are some limits, after all.

[Debbie_007]

...a joke about why women order meals consisting of 3 carrot sticks and a peice of anorexic lettuce

Surely not. There are some limits, after all.

...lol...yaa. 3 carrot sticks? That's alot to eat!! :p

[sodaklostsoul]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
> Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He
> told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
> girlfriend.
>
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
> $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't
> think you understand, I want something very special."
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
> and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
> only $40,000," the jeweler said.
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
> with excitement.
>
> The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
> stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is
> good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday
> to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
> afternoon," he said.
>
> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
> "There's no money in that account."
>
> "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend
> I had?"
>
> Don't mess with Old People.
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Mischievous Grandmas


Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home. About
then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out
saying, "We
bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no
way you
can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we
can! Just
drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple
of times,
asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up
and said,
"You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed.
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled
in unison,"Because
We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[sodaklostsoul]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.


It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you.


While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders,
6-year-olds-because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses.................................. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the........................................... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......................... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.......... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .......................... looks dirty.

7. No news is........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll . stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust . me.

12. The pen is mightier than the.................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................................... the way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.

15. Happy the bride who................................ gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is . not much.

17. Two's company, three's ......................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......................... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not........... spanked or grounded

22. If at first you don't succeed ................. get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.......... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind . get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than....................................... pregnant

[love_2licku]

I think this is funny. It's a lil chain letter type, but still cool. Plus, I need ALL the luck I can get =p

hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads 2 a finger...a finger leads to a a hand...a hand leads to a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads 2 a fuck. So tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard this cuz sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract the clothes...divide the legs...leave your solution...and pray you dont multiply!
Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!!
Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10 years.
If you send this in 15 mins. your safe. Something good will happen tonight at 11:11pm.
This is not a joke...someone will either call you or will talk to you online.

Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard ........................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal

Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal

Orgasm
Real................................112 cal
Faking................................315 cal

After "O"
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal

IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW AND AWFUL SEX FOR A YEAR! REPOST THIS AND YOU WILL FIND AMAZING SEX WITHIN ONE MONTH ;)

REPOST THIS WITH THE TITLE: Rough Sex (FACTS)

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today! , and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[sodaklostsoul]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. Jill, the wife
<?XML:NAMESPACE
PREFIX = O />
is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband, Marc
turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading,
he periodically reaches over to Jill and fondles
her special area.

Marc does this a few times, but only for a very short
interval before returning to read his book. Jill
gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that
Marc is seeking some encouragement she gets up
and starts stripping in front of him. Marc is
confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me
downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"
Marc says, "No, not at all."

Jill asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then? "

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

[sodaklostsoul]

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
"Want Fries with that".

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Start or Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Jungle
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends That You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You As "Your Excellency".

17. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream "I Won!,I Won!!!!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives!! They're Loose!!!!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called Therapy.

[sodaklostsoul]

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
> >
>A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.
> >
>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied.
>"It's not polite."
> >
>"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
>"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really
>none of your business."
> >
>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
> >
>"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
> >
>The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
>"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
>friend.
> >
>"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
>license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old
you
>are, you are 32."
> >
>The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
> >
>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name
did
>you find that out?"
> >
>"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy
got a
>divorce."
> >
>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
>"Because you got an F in sex."
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Internet Addict Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

[sodaklostsoul]

Kermit gets a loan

> > >> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> > >> her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> > >>
> > >> "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> > >>
> > >> Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
> > >> says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
> > >> it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
> > >>
> > >> Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> > >> collateral.
> > >>
> > >> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> > >> elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> > >>
> > >> Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> > >> bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> > >>
> > >> She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
> > >> Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
> > >> $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
> > >>
> > >> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> > >> this?"
> > >>
> > >> (you're gonna love this)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (its a real treat)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (a masterpiece)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (wait for it)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> > >>
> > >> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
> > >> man's a Rolling Stone."
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> > >>
> > >> Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
> > >> did!!! Have a lovely day!
> > >>
> > >>
> > >

[sodaklostsoul]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...






It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

[calihotguy]

Pilot talking to his co-pilot while on a flight and says to his co-pilot "All I need right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job." Unbeknowist to the pilot, the microphone is on and the whole plane can hear. The stewardness drops what she is doing and runs toward the front of the plane.

One of the passengers says, "Hey! Don't forget the coffee!"

[dm383]

Computers are wonderful, aren't they?!?!

In hospital.............

[dm383]

Are things even worse if you actually work with computers?!?!

[dm383]

Even the "Birds and the Bees" talk is getting lost these days! :confused:

[dm383]

Even rejection's going high-tech these days....... well, kinda!!

[dm383]

Now, it seems, even our four-legged friends are getting in on the act!!

Hope you enjoyed at least one of these. :)

DM

[BIBI]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......










You're gonna love it...







It's the one with the little sticker that says...









I-DA-HO :D

[dicksbro]

"10 Dog Peeves with Humans"


1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG !

3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.. stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both now the truth -- you're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here. You don't see me picking up your poop, do you ???

[sodaklostsoul]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life
>with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
>watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob
for
>companionship.
>
> One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy
>godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here
>after all these years?"
>
> The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived
>an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your
>heart still yearns?"
>
> Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
>thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was
>wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my
>disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
>
> Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
>Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
>
> The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can
>do What do you want for your second wish?"
>
> Cinderella! looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
>wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
>
> At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
>young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that
had
>been dormant for years.
>
> And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have
>one more wish; what shall it be?"
>
> Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
>corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a
>kind and handsome young man."
>
> Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
>change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he
was
>a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever
>seen.
>
> The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella,
>enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
>the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few
>eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
>Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
>perfect man she had ever seen.
>
> Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
>in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He
>leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
>whispered..........
>
> "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
>
>
>
>

[dm383]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in
High street.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on
mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

[dm383]

"A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl riding down the pavement in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck," he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"
the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go faster.

" The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren !"

[dm383]

I'm not sure if this has been posted before... but I like it, so here you are!


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadnt come along.

[dm383]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[dm383]

This last one was one which appealed to me on SO many levels......... hope you all like it too!!

DM

[dm383]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,

"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[dm383]

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes up and outwards.

It works!

DM

[alspals69]

i must book an appointment at my opticians immidiately!!

[sodaklostsoul]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
>
>
>This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
>
>
>The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
>laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
>what he had to say for himself.
>
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
>on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
>under a sign that said,
>
>
>'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
>
>
>Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
>reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
>
>
>Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
>Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
>
>
>BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
>that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...
>
>
>I just lost it."
>
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[sodaklostsoul]

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS


A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea
all around you, you are in continent.
( Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
shrink.
(Kevin age 6

[dm383]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller" asked Kenzie?
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration

"Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's
the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

[dm383]

Dallas Air Traffic Control:

"Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC:

"Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air:

"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............


Saudi Air:

"DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC:

"Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air:

"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:

"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"


I'm only passin' it on.......but it IS funny! DM

[dm383]

A wee ned walks into the chemist to get his Methadone. The pharmacist is
pouring some white powder into a bottle and the ned asks,

"Hoi chief, what's that powder?"

The pharmacist replies,

"Askit"

So the wee ned leans over and looks at the powder and says,

"Wee white powder, whit ur ye?"

[sodaklostsoul]

The first grade teacher was starting a new
lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought
it would be a good idea to ask a few of the
children examples of words with more than
one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable
words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied
with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables,
Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of
humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says,
"I know a four syllable word. Pick me!
Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a
word that large the teacher reluctantly
says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her
composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four
syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob',
but that's only two syllables!"

[Oldfart]

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[BIBI]

A groaner from my grandson....



So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!" :rolleyes:

[dm383]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

[dm383]

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF

> You know you're a nurse if.....
> You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a
> dark alley.
>
> Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
> Almost everything can seemhumorous....eventually.
>
> You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.
>
> You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
> than they know.
>
> You check the caller id on your day off to see if anyone from the
> hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.
>
> You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
> table throw up.
>
> You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you
> started nursing.
>
> Every time someone asks you for a pen ! you can find at least 4 of them on
> you.
>
> You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince
> the doctor is more difficult"
>
> You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your coworker
> and to holler if they need help.
>
> Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.
>
> You find yourself checking out other customers veins in grocery waiting
> lines.
>
> You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will
> drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
>
> Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
>
> You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
>
> If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, its
> just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental
> status/sanity.
>
> Most of the time we function in spite of this sick sense of humor, fairly
> normally and very responsibly.
>
> Believe me, this is how we think, ALL THE TIME.
> Scary huh??


A LOT of truth in this btw!!

DM

[dm383]

Now, this would be some phone call!!

DM

[Oldfart]

A girl went to her doctor, who told her she only had six months to live. No, there was no chance of a cure, the best thing she could do was to marry an accountant.
It wasn't going to cure her but it would make her remaining time seem so much longer.

[sodaklostsoul]

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife
Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who
the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.
Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so
much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to
my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light
later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've

never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg
popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg,
the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever
happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head
and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken
bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

[alspals69]

"Mummy! Mummy! Whats an orgasm?"

"I don't know - ask your father"

[sodaklostsoul]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a
> >rather dignified well-dressed, good looking man in
> >his late 40s or early 50s.
> >
> > "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see
> >Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of
> >our most expensive ladies, Perhaps you would prefer
> >someone else," said the madam.
> >
> > "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's
> >reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to
> >the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without
> >hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
> >dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went
> >upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
> >
> > The next night, the same man appeared again,
> >demanding to see Natalie.
> >
> > Natalie explained that none had ever come back
> >two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were
> >no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the
> >man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
> >
> > The following night the man was there again.
> >Everyone was astounded that he had come for the
> >third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
> >they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie
> >questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three
> >nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied,
"South
> >Carolina."
> >
> > "Really" she said. "I have family in South
> >Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died
> >and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
> >give you your $3,000 inheritance."
> >
> > The moral of the story is that three things
> >in life are certain:
> >
> > 1. Death
> >
> > 2. Taxes
> >
> > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
> >
> >

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman is very distressed because she has not
Been married
Very long and yet her husband has lost interest in
Sex. So,
She goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells
Her that it
Is nothing serious, that her husband has merely
Lost his
Animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble
Some dog
Biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning
Without telling
Him, and little by little this will bring out the
Savage beast
In him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to
Come back
In a week with a progress report.


A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who
Asks how
Her husband is.


"He's dead," she replies.


"Dead?" the doctor asked.



The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the
Driveway licking
His balls, and I backed over him with the car.

[sodaklostsoul]

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet
and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told
him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she
passed a s mall diner and the or of the baked beans was more than she could
stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would
walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed
delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated

herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The&bsp;baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and
the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of
the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let
it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more,
which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room,
she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom,
she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her hands upon it, smi ling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence whn er husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him
that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[sodaklostsoul]

A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor Was Visiting The Hospital When,
>during Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was
>ma$turbating.
>
>"oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He
>doing That?"
>
>the Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very Sorry
>but This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Te$ticles Rapidly Fill
>with $emen. If He Doesn't Do That Five Times A Day, They'll Explode
And
>he'll Die Within Minutes."
>
>"oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.
>
>in The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was
>performing Oral $ex On A Different Male Patient Again The Woman
Screamed
>"oh My God!
>
>how Can That Be Justified?"
>
>the Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan
>

[Neige]

An elderly couple was attending church services . About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent fart --- what do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[sodaklostsoul]

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

[sodaklostsoul]

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[Oldfart]

Australian computer lingo


A bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any
cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten
the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red
Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from
K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the
shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the
fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the
hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs
aren't strong enough.

[wyndhy]

little bobby was playing at his friend jimmy's house when he came home to ask his gramma: "can i sleep over jimmy's house tonight?"

"sure," she says.

he goes back outside and comes back in a few minutes later. "gramma, what do you call it when two people sleep with one on top of the other?"

gramma is curious about his question but decides to be honest with the little guy and says, "we call that sexual intercourse."

bobby goes back outside to play and returns again just a few minutes later. "gramma, you're wrong. they're called bunk beds, and jimmy's mom wants to talk to you right now."

[dm383]

Can be divided into two categories...........










......women ~ complex, thoughtful, exemplary beyond comment...... and men.

That's all folks...move along now please!!

DM

[sodaklostsoul]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[sodaklostsoul]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat
on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're
OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things I would want...a great golf game, all
the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and
the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me
that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm
a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way,
it's good to see you're doing all right."


"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer
money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When
I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer
sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"


"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish

[Steph]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and wearing white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Singles Meet
>
>Dorothy and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.
>
>They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that
they
>enjoyed each other's company.
>
>After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Dorothy out or
>dinner and, much to his delight she accepted.
>
>They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in
>town.
>
>Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
>
>Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Dorothy
>soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
>
>As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each
>was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
>
>Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
>gentler."
>
>Dorothy was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken
>off
>my pantyhose."
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father
> said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000
> & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The
> next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a
> suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick
told
> him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom
> you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was
> coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a
> $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
>
>
>

[dicksbro]

Steph and sodaklostsoul, those are terrific. Thanks.

:D :D :D

[sodaklostsoul]

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!
>
>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
>prepared for the answer:
>
>
>
>In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first
>witness to the stand . . . a grand motherly, elderly woman. He
>approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
>me?"
>
>
>
>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
>since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
>disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
>people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
>shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
>anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>
>
>
>The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
>the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
>
>She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
>a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He
>can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
>one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
>with three different women, one of them was your wife Yes, I know
him."
>
>
>The defense attorney almost died.
>
>The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in very
>quiet voice, said:
>"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your
>sorry asses in jail for contempt."
>
>

[sodaklostsoul]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office
>
>but she belonged to someone else.
>
>One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll
give
>you $1000. if you let me screw you."
>
>The girl said "NO."
>
>Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
>down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
>
>She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
>boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
>
>Her boyfriend says "ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he
>won't even be able to get his pants down."
>
>He agrees to the $2000. and she agrees and accepts the proposal.
>
>Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend
to
>call.
>
>Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
>
>She said "The bastard used coins"
>
>Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's
entirety
>before agreeing to it and getting screwed
>
>

[Bardog]

Little Conor William attended a horse auction with
his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up
and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a
few minutes, Conor
William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy."
Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants
to buy Mom."

[Bardog]

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to
talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that
she was the Pharmacist and
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would
be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was
completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could
be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes
me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to
my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at
length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a
company car, and $3,000 a
month plus living expenses."

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^^^^.

Nice to see you back Bardog!!

[Bardog]

LOL^^^^^^^.

Nice to see you back Bardog!!


Thank you
It feels good to be back

[txgrneyes]

A lady was driving down the highway and a cop was pulled her over for speeding. The officer got out of his car and walked up to the lady and the following conversation took place.

"I need to see your drivers license."
The lady replied, " I dont have one."
Then I need to see your registration. the officer advised.
"I dont have that either and I guess you want to see the dead body in the truck too?" The lady asked.
The officer then adv the lady to stay there and he would be back in a minute.

The officer went to his patrol car and called for a supervisor. When his sargent arrive on the scene he confronted the lady and asked her the same questions.

"I need to see your drivers license ma'am." The sargent said.
She handed him the license.
"and your registration?" the Sargent continued.
She handed the paper to him.
" Ma'am, My officer told me that you said you had a dead body in the trunk?" the Sargent inquired.
"And I bet he also told you that I was speeding too?" the lady replied.

[Bardog]

THE SOLUTION

Here it is . . the solution to three major problems:

The Plan . . . a win win win situation.

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.

Put all the Florida alligators in the moat.


Any other problems you'd like for me to solve today?

[sodaklostsoul]

A tomato, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The tomato said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think that you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."

[sodaklostsoul]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go
through
the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can
under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put
the
bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my
desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is
getting
warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the
counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all
morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container
with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that to night when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning
to do.

At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know! I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it,
But first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

If this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL,
AND LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

[Oldfart]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen
and said:


"As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how*my great country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have*to have
a King in charge - and you're not a King."
John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"


To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you*have to be a
Prince - and you're *not a Prince, Mr. Howard."
Howard thought long and hard and came up with *"How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, *replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not
an Emperor."
Before Howard could utter *another word, The Queen said: "I think*you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."

[jseal]

It is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Steph]

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

[dm383]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you basterds who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause
we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[dm383]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.) !




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

[dicksbro]

LOL, DM. Those are terrific. Thanks.

[sodaklostsoul]

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"


I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies!"

Shocked "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"


I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.


"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."


"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Yuck."


"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think
she was being snotty here too, don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.


We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. Women
can be so cruel to their own young (I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.


"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm sa ying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just.....just.....excited,"
my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious , cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back
into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea." Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.


2 - Lizards - $140...


1 - Cage - $50...


Trip to the Vet - $30...


Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
wacker...........Priceless!