=====>Jokes<=====

[wyndhy]

they blew away.

[Oldfart]

Two young boys meet, first day of Kindergarten.

"My father's a doctor."

"Oh?"

"Yes, a surgeon."

"My father's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

"No, just tho ordinary kind."

[WildIrish]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied. "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."

[sodaklostsoul]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"



Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.



It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."



The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"



The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

[Oldfart]

Verrrrrrrrrrrrrry good.

[Lilith]

You did not hear this from me.


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North
Dakota'
for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the
cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's
current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and
says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull
her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,
didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[jseal]

That is SO PI! :roflmao:

[sodaklostsoul]

Too flipping funny!!!! Thanks Lilith, shhhhh I did'nt say that.

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl:

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: By yimminey by golly! Dat's a gut von.

[WildIrish]

:eek:


That's SO wrong!

[wyndhy]

more wrong than laughing at dead people? :p

[Oldfart]

Yes.

[Oldfart]

Some people just don’t get it right do they?


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[BlondBabe]

OMG OldFart!! :roflmao:

[ShadowDancer]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[dm383]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



See answer below ! !




Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States .. Act like one.





Sorry........ couldn't resist that one!! :D

DM

[dm383]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is

tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,

the door closes, and the engines start up.


The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that

this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.


The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in

the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge

of the airport.


As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,

panicked screams fill the cabin.


Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat

into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good

hands.


...... In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're

all gonna f***in' die."

[dicksbro]

These last three are terrific! :roflmao: Thanks Shadow Dancer and DM383!!!

[dicksbro]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK: you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office

PRISON: you get three meals a day fully paid for
WORK: you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

PRISON: you get time off for good behavior
WORK: you get more work for good behavior

PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK: you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

PRISON: you can watch TV and play games
WORK: you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

PRISON: you get your own toilet
WORK: you have to share the toilet with some people who may pee on the seat

PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit
WORK: you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

PRISON: all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK: they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read stuff like this.

:)

[dicksbro]

And that didn't even mention ...

PRISON: free access to a college education
WORK: You pay all or some of the college costs

PRISON: free medical and dental care
WORK: co-pays, private insurance or pay it yourself

:(

[IowaMan]

Hmmm, IowaMan wonders if he can be thrown in jail for sexually molesting himself repeatedly without his own consent. :p

[WildIrish]

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

[WildIrish]

Hmmm, IowaMan wonders if he can be thrown in jail for sexually molesting himself repeatedly without his own consent. :p



Depends on where you do it! :D

[jseal]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary as she closed up her cellphone.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"Dear God! What did you say to them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[wyndhy]

i don't get it :confused:

just kiddin', that was a good one! :roflmao:

[IowaMan]

Here's an oldie but a goodie. I believe I first saw it back in the 80's in "Truly Tasteless Jokes"


What's the first thing that Adam said to Eve?

"You'd better stand back. I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."

[WildIrish]

What is flat and pink and smells like a vagina?






:p

[Oldfart]

A cartoon from our local paper.

Very funny in a local sort of way.

[dicksbro]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat do wn next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women. " The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^^! Good one DB.

[WildIrish]

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?


A. Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. :D

[dicksbro]

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna: Gainesville tower, Cessna Three Four Five, seven west with Tango.

Tower: Cessna One Two Three Four Five, cleared to land Runway six.

Cessna: We'd prefer Runway one zero, we have some passengers to drop off at the terminal.

Tower: Cessna Three Four Five, you can't do that, you have to use the general aviation FBO.

Cessna: We called ahead and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate.

Tower: I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager.

Tower (a short time later): Cessna Three Four Five. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as you fly by.

Cessna: (Laughs) How about I just use Runway six?

[dicksbro]

A Florida State Trooper pulled a car over on I-75. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Sarasota to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk tourist, from Michigan, got out and watched the performance briefly, h e then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

[dicksbro]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

They tried doing a study on women going through "The Change", but none of the researchers lived to tell about it.

[dicksbro]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[sodaklostsoul]

PESTICIDE is for killing insects!


A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist,
'I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it.
Where do I find 'em?' The pharmacist replied,
'Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4.'

'No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,' growled the farmer.

'Sir,' said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,
'PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm.
I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.'

'Listen here, ' argued the farmer, 'I want condoms with
PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.'

[sodaklostsoul]

http://beverlys.net/LJ/BuggingYou.swf

[IowaMan]

A woman was on a hospital tour when she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating furiously. Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen,and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's okay" commented the woman.

But in the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke ever so calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

[dm383]

Short, and to the point!! :)

DM

[IowaMan]

I'm just doing some spring cleaning of my hard drive and thought I'd post a few of the many things I've received, mostly from dad. Hopefully they aren't repeats.

[IowaMan]

And a couple more:

Could anybody possibly picture this happening at the next PAGAN outing? I've gotta think that one of our Pixies gentlemen would come talk to this lovely lady.

and

How about this for a casual Friday dress code?

[dicksbro]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day ..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do
smething special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

[dicksbro]

Oh yeah, thanks Soda, IM and DM ... those were terrific!!

:roflmao:

[dm383]

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:


OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Castlemilk, in the traditional dress of Burberry baseball cap and a white shell suit.

The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)


HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.


FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.

The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".


THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.


MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing...


THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.........

DM

I realise some (most?!) of you will never have heard of the majority of the content in th^s.... but I thought it was as funny as fcuk! So there! :nana:

DM

[dicksbro]

Sounds like Scotland has gone a long way to make the games fun and interesting. :boink:


:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

:irish: It's getting close to the special day. :nana:


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
For an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."


Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is
Enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
Ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



;)

[sodaklostsoul]

*snicker*

[ShadowDancer]

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?"
Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the
porch and sat down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died
some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!"
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just
laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me!'"
Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard!"

[ShadowDancer]

Bullfrogs & Blow jobs
>
>A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
>looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
>the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
>
>"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
>trained to give blow jobs!"
>
>"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
>
>"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
>
>The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
>more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
>
>When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
>skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
>may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
>
>In the
>
>middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying
>everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
>downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
>cookbooks.
>
>"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
>
>The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

[sodaklostsoul]

Lmao

[dm383]

The Midget


I was on a train in Glasgow a few weeks ago and a midget got on, a proper wee midget with a Bargain Booze cerry oot bag. It was quite busy on the train so his bag couldnae go on a seat and I could see him looking up to the overhead rack.

A certain good Samaritan was kind enough to say,
"would you like me to put that up"..... he said,
"aye", and it was done, but it wasn't upright and through the gap in the bars his half bottle of vodka fell out and smashed on the floor.

He stands up red in the face as the inspector comes along to see what's
going on.

The inspector asked if it was his, the midget says,
"aye...and Ah'm no' happy".

Cue for a lone voice from the back of the carriage to say......






















"well....whit wan urr ye then?"


Apologies to all non-glesga speakers out there!!

DM

[Oldfart]

Very funny. Yep, took a moment.

[dicksbro]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to

smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[dicksbro]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some of us (like me) are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print didn't you????????

[dicksbro]

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What lies at the bottom of the Ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[WildIrish]

Q: How do you kill an entire circus at once?

A: Go for the juggler.

[dicksbro]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[WildIrish]

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
"Land Mines."


MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN

[dicksbro]

^^^^ Yep. No doubt about it. :roflmao:

[IowaMan]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves
standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the
Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where
they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to
hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate
Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to
hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and
St. Peter said, "So,
tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover
feast with His disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then
they buried Him in a
tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews
roll away the
boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his
shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted

[sodaklostsoul]

Roflmao

[dicksbro]

They walk among us.

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us.

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

They walk among us.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and ssaid, "Where?"

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They walk among us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They walk among us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."


Yep,

They walk among us, AND they reproduce!

[dicksbro]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[dicksbro]

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

(ok this is good)



"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[scotzoidman]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Ø Feminist...............................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional...........................Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes.....................................No
Ø No......................................Yes
Ø Maybe.................................No
Ø We need...............................I want
Ø I'm sorry.............................You'll be sorry
Ø We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Ø Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Ø Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
Ø I am not upset........................Of course, I'm upset, you moron!
Ø You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...........................I am hungry
Ø I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
Ø I am tired..............................I am tired
Ø Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
Ø I love you..............................Let's have sex now
Ø I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?
Ø May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

[sodaklostsoul]

Liver and cheese :roflmao:

[txgrneyes]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are

all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh,"

said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands

have never moved, indicating That she never told a lie." "Incredible," said

the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham

Lincoln's clock. The hands Have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only

two lies in his entire Life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the
man. "Hillary's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[txgrneyes]

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007

# 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

# 9. Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

# 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

# 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.

# 6. Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

# 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

# 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

# 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax
cut saves you thirty cents???

# 2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[dicksbro]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

-----

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

-----

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

-----

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

-----

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

-----

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

-----

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

-----

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was,"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

-----

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[dicksbro]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids....

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Leroy." All the
children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then, I call them by their last names."

[dicksbro]

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares ... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[dm383]

Extract from the diary of a BB fan........

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.

[dm383]

Nuff said!!

[dm383]

........ well, it could be!!

[dm383]

...... sometimes, translation leaves a little to be desired!!



Hope you liked these!! :)

DM

[IowaMan]

Finally, the answers to the 5 most important questions in the world:

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".


Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."


Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q4. WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.


Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


Now, you know everything you need to know.

[IowaMan]

READ TEXT FIRST!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo which she used last night....You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....You circle the car looking for
dents and find none....
But ....
Wait a minute....

[txgrneyes]

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Oldfart]

A man was sitting in a bar, clearly distraught.

The bartender asked him what the matter was.

He loked at the barman and said,

"January 19th my mother died, leaving me $75,000."

"Rough." said the barman.

"February 16th, my favourite aunt died, leaving me $100,000."

"Bad." said the barkeep.

"March my father died, leaving me the house and a million bucks."

"Very rough, two parents in three months."

"This month, nothing!"

[sodaklostsoul]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
>pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
>
>One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
>down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
>
>"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
>said one boy.
>
>Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
>
>Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
>As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
>cemetery.
>
>He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
>"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
>
>He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
>and rode off.
>
>Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
>hobbling along.
>
>"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
>what I heard!
>
>Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
>the souls."
>
>The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for
>me to walk."
>
>When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to
>the cemetery.
>
>Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
>me. One for you, one for me."
>
>The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me
>the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
>
>Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
>were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped
>the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they
>tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
>
>At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all, so
>
>let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.
>
>They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
>minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[sodaklostsoul]

PETS
>>
>>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>>
>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>
>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
>>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
>>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
>>your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>>slightest.
>>
>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
>>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
>>faster than you can run.
>>
>>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
>>this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
>>comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
>>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
>>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
>>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
>>but sarcasm.
>>
>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
>>some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
>>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
>>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
>>I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
>>feline attendance is not required.
>>
>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
>>cannot stress this enough!
>>
>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
>>front door:
>>
>>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>>
>>1. They live here. You don't.
>>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture!
>>(That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
>>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
>>short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>>
>>Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>>1. Eat less
>>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>>3 Are easier to train
>>4. Normally come when called
>>5. Never ask to drive the car
>>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>>7. Don't smoke or drink
>>8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
>>9. Don't want to wear your clothes
>>10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
>>
>>
>>And finally,
>>
>>
>>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
>>

[Winston77]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there IS a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well Dad, you came home after 3 AM , drunk and delirious! Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door!"

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing “PRICELESS"

[sodaklostsoul]

Chinese Laundry
>
>
>A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was
>done at the
>
>local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and
>put it in the bag
>
>with the next collection of soiled clothes :
>
>"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
>
>She got the clean laundry back, and was still
>dissatisfied with the
>
>results, so the following week she enclosed
>another note:
>
>"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
>
>The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and
>when her
>
>clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note
>from HIM:
>
>"I USE PLENTY SOAP
> ON PANTIES!!!
>
>USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[PantyFanatic]

Two 90-year-old men, IowaMan and NutWorld, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, IowaMan visits him everyday. One day, IowaMan says, "NutWorld, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

NutWorld looks up at IowaMan from his death bed," IowaMan, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, NutWorld passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, IowaMan is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," IowaMan. IowaMan."
"Who is it"? asks IowaMan, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?
"IowaMan, it's me, NutWorld."
"You're not NutWorld. NutWorld just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, NutWorld," insists the voice."
"NutWorld! Where are you"?
"In Heaven," replies NutWorld. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says IowaMan.
"The good news," NutWorld says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.:) Better than that, we're all young again.:) Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows.:) And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired.":)

"That's fantastic," says IowaMan.:D "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?
"You're pitching Tuesday.":yikes:

[IowaMan]

But I've got to wait for 50 years? :(

This coming Tuesday would fit my schedule better. :p

[IowaMan]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[1nutworld]

Two 90-year-old men, IowaMan and NutWorld, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, IowaMan visits him everyday. One day, IowaMan says, "NutWorld, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

NutWorld looks up at IowaMan from his death bed," IowaMan, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, NutWorld passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, IowaMan is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," IowaMan. IowaMan."
"Who is it"? asks IowaMan, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?
"IowaMan, it's me, NutWorld."
"You're not NutWorld. NutWorld just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, NutWorld," insists the voice."
"NutWorld! Where are you"?
"In Heaven," replies NutWorld. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says IowaMan.
"The good news," NutWorld says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.:) Better than that, we're all young again.:) Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows.:) And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired.":)

"That's fantastic," says IowaMan.:D "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?
"You're pitching Tuesday.":yikes:

WOW!, all theses years and I've been introducing myself using the wrong name. :rofl:

[PantyFanatic]

Sorry I didn't get the "1" in there. :rofl:
I won't do that again. ;)












:rolleyes:

[1nutworld]

Sorry I didn't get the "1" in there. :rofl:
I won't do that again. ;)












:rolleyes:

That wasn't what I was referring to....I'd just as-soon not HAVE the "1". :)

[PantyFanatic]

???? :confused:

[IowaMan]

Two 90-year-old men, IowaMan and NutWorld, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, IowaMan visits him everyday. One day, IowaMan says, "NutWorld, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

This what you were meaning nutworld? ;)

[PantyFanatic]

:o I messed that ALL up.
:faint:

I won't do that again. :gb:


.... and then I posted it on the joke thread instead of in the editing category.
:banghead:

I won't do that again either. :cool:










;)

[dm383]

:o I messed that ALL up.
:faint:

I won't do that again. :gb:


.... and then I posted it on the joke thread instead of in the editing category.
:banghead:

I won't do that again either. :cool:










;)

Yes. You will.

:roflmao:

DM

[jseal]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drug store.

The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Maude: "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[dicksbro]

This Is AMAZING!!!
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female Birds.



I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? The attached image are of Two Birds.





Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.



It can be done.





Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

[dicksbro]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

[IowaMan]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a
pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond
there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as
the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw.The cat hooked
the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into
the pond again there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized
one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the
pond.The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY.....
(ur gonna love this)





The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy !!!!

[IowaMan]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.

[sodaklostsoul]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed
in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to
begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[txgrneyes]

I Owe My Mother

1. *My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE*.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

2. *My mother taught me RELIGION*.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. *My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL*.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. *My mother taught me LOGIC*.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. *My mother taught me MORE LOGIC*.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. *My mother taught me FORESIGHT*.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. *My mother taught me IRONY*.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. *My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS*.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. *My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM*.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. *My mother taught me about STAMINA*.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. *My mother taught me about WEATHER*.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. *My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY*.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. *My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE*.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. *My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION*.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. *My mother taught me about ENVY*.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do."

16. *My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION*.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. *My mother taught me about RECEIVING*.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. *My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE*.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. *My mother taught me ESP*.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. *My mother taught me HUMOR*.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. *My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT*.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. *My mother taught me GENETICS*.
"You're just like your father."

23. *My mother taught me about my ROOTS*.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. *My mother taught me WISDOM*.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. *My mother taught me about JUSTICE*.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."[/LEFT]

[dicksbro]

LOL, txgrneyes. Those are terrific (and very true). Mom was a smart one. :boink:

[IowaMan]

Things you'll never hear from a woman:


You know, I've been complaining a lot lately.
I don't blame you for ignoring me.

The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too,
I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again! Kick ass!

I liked that wedding even more than ours.
Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am.
Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times,
then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here!
Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass.

My mother is going to take care of the tab,
so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle.
I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.

Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

You're so sexy when you're hung over.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Let's subscribe to Hustler.

I'll be out painting the house.

I love it when you ride your Harley,
I just wish you had more time to ride.

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother is way better than mine.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing
and buy yourself something.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us,
why don't you retire?

Look! My ass is fatter than yours!

Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.

[scotzoidman]

I love it when you ride your Harley,
I just wish you had more time to ride.
I've heard of women who would actually say something like that, except that they would substitute "we" for "you"...has something to do with that Harley rumbling between their legs like a giant gasoline-powered vibrator...

Not intending to pick apart your post, IM, the rest was spot on...& FAH!

[ShadowDancer]

Fun loving stuffed animals....

http://www.zippyvideos.com/58898067283845/blaupunkt/

[Aqua]

Fun loving stuffed animals....

http://www.zippyvideos.com/58898067283845/blaupunkt/
Love that video! :rofl:

[Oldfart]

Shame on them, behaving like people.

[IowaMan]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly, the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off.

Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off. The little girl said to her daddy "what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said....

"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

[sodaklostsoul]

*opps* LOL

[Oldfart]

Just a cockroach, dear one.

[IowaMan]

This is an old one and it hurts me to write it but.................

Message on the PA system in a Chicago area mall:

"Would the lady who left her nine children at Wrigley Field please return ASAP to pick them up!

They're beating the Cubs 15-0 in the 5th inning."

[scotzoidman]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached
the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^^^^^^^^.

Subject: 63 and pregnant

A NEW DOCTOR...WHO DOESN'T RUN A BUNCH OF EXPENSIVE TESTS


A woman went to the GP's group, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening
to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 63 years old , she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[sodaklostsoul]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[IowaMan]

Scoot on over dear, I'm a joinin' ya. :D

[sodaklostsoul]

Beware, I've been told I snore.

[Oldfart]

Not if we don't let you get to sleep.

[sodaklostsoul]

:p

[wyndhy]

scootch over. :p

[Oldfart]

scootch?

[IowaMan]

Hopefully this one isn't too over the top. I didn't write it, I'm just passin' it along. :p


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son is hiding
in the closet during their meetings.

During one such meeting, her husband comes home
unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

A week later, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth, and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[IowaMan]

About died when I saw this one.

[Oldfart]

Try explaining that at the in-laws. LOL

[dicksbro]

Is that where PF first heard about the flying monkeys?

[dicksbro]

Holly wood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[IowaMan]

Hillary and Chelsea

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

[Oldfart]

Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I
just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl
shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright
eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They
asked, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into
bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and
watched me all night."

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[scotzoidman]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[ReaperWoman]

:rofl: ^^^

[sodaklostsoul]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
> >>She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
> >>"What's the matter?" he asks
> >>"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
> >>"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
> >>"I can't see my ass coming into work today
> >>
>

[IowaMan]

This one confirmed what I've known all along.

http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm

[WildIrish]

This one confirmed what I've known all along.

http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm


How long have you known that you suck at standardized testing? :confused:

[IowaMan]

:roflmao:

Well, I guess it went: p-SAT's, ACT's, GRE's and now this one.

Oh and then there was the one a couple of weeks ago that told me that my RealAge is about 9 years older than my biological age. :p

[WildIrish]

Three men and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

The first man stepped up.

St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

He said to the second man "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy."

Aqua turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."

[PantyFanatic]

Show your support!
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months now.

Please, keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire list.


1. Bill

2.

[dicksbro]

Show your support!
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months now.

Please, keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire list.


1. Bill

2.

Are you sure Bill signed it and it wasn't someone with a bad sense of humor?

[dicksbro]

Two blonde tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

[dm383]

Irish jokes in the UK are the equivalent to Polish jokes in the US. Not very PC, but some are funny as f*ck. Here you go - some you may have seen otherwise than here!!

DM


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."


The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
That before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
Creature." Muldoon said,

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

[Oldfart]

Well done.

[IowaMan]

MOUNTAIN MEDICINE

A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Janet. She's a nurse"

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Janet what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle.

I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

[WildIrish]

The homeowner got into his grubbiest
clothes on Saturday morning and set
about all the chores he'd been putting
off for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the
hedge, and was halfway through
mowing the lawn when a woman
pulled up in the driveway
and yelled out her window, "Say,
what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then
answered, "The lady who lives here
lets me sleep with her."

[sodaklostsoul]

Those are all too funny!!!!! LMAO

[dicksbro]

POLITICS

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doo-doo!

[dicksbro]

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered.

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted my to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

[dicksbro]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!

[dm383]

Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King,with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story: Pay your bills

DM

[dicksbro]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island saw a beautiful lady swim to the shore and walk up to him. "How long have you been stranded?" she asked?

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.

He takes one lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"





I'll bet this dude was single!!


Got this from Irish in an email and wanted to share it with you. :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Butch and Spike were farewelling their lesbian lover Tinkerbelle after her sentence had been served.

They fell into reverie about the great times they had shared over the past five years.

Finally with a last hug, they looked deep into each other's eyes and said,

"Yes, but at least we'll always have Paris."

[dicksbro]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[dicksbro]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

[dicksbro]

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's Wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor???"

[dicksbro]

A LOVE STORY

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[sodaklostsoul]

Thanks for the laughs, won't be having any later at work so I got them now.

[Oldfart]

An oldie but a goodie.

[dicksbro]

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

**********************************************************

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

**********************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**********************************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

**********************************************************

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

**********************************************************

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

**********************************************************

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

**********************************************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

**********************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

**********************************************************

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

**********************************************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[Oldfart]

A touch close to home. LOL.

[sodaklostsoul]

CIRCUMCISED...THIS IS PRICELESS
>>
>>A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
>>
>>Squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She
>>went
>>
>>back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And
>>whispered that
>>
>>he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
>>teacher told
>>
>>him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his
mother
>>and ask
>>
>>her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
>>Suddenly,
>>
>>there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back To
>>investigate only
>>
>>to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I
thought
>>I told
>>
>>you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me
that
>>if I
>>
>>could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
>>
>>KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
>>
>>

[IowaMan]

OMFG!!!!! :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Early advertising?

[sodaklostsoul]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
>"Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
>"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
>marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
>them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>
>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
>search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
>every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
>leave.
>
>Shortly,the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's
>Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
>
>"Yeah!"
>
>"Did they chop your firewo od?"
>
>"Yep!"
>
>"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
>(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)
>
>

--
Have a Great Day!

[Steph]

A bloke's wife goes missing while on a diving holidaying on the West
Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have
happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that......

So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!

[jseal]

Exercise Routine

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient . It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN..............





























































































NOW SCROLL UP ...


That's enough for the first day. Great job. :thumbs:

:line: :line:

Have a glass of wine.

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^ glad I'm not 50 yet.

[scotzoidman]

*whew* that wore me out...

that's even more strenuous than "lather, rinse, repeat"

[Oldfart]

You're a hard taskmaster, jseal.

[ShadowDancer]

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and
collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.
In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Oldfart]

Sad.

[dicksbro]

A bloke's wife goes missing while on a diving holidaying on the West
Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have
happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that......

So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!

OMG. :roflmao:

[sodaklostsoul]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
>>consummate
>>their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
>>confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
>>
>>The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
>>
>>The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
>>
>>"Tiger Woods."
>>
>>"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
>>
>>"Yeah."
>>
>>"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
>>with him."
>>
>>The husband and wife then make passionate love.
>>
>>When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
>>
>>"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
>>
>>The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get
>>something to eat."
>>
>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>
>>"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
>>
>>The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
>>second time.
>>
>>When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what
are
>>you doing?" she asks.
>>
>>The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service
>>to get something to eat."
>>
>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>
>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>
>>"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
>>
>>The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one
more
>>time.
>>
>>When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
>>phone
>>and starts to dial.
>>
>>The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
>>
>>"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this
damn
>>hole."
>>

[1nutworld]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.


They got drunk, and woke up in jail only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her!


The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her!


The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now...





y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

[sodaklostsoul]

Omg!!!!

[txgrneyes]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington,DC !!!
Any Questions ???

[IowaMan]

:rofl: How very true.

[dicksbro]

"You know you're a redneck when...... "


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a! custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[PantyFanatic]

Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Gander NFLD (CP)Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when Cessna 152,
a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning
in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far,
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


:yikes:

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A Florida State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper (after being told to remain in the car). The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Troopers ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat Ass".

The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he gets done with printing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses , gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Trooper. Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Trooper: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, Trooper?

Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Trooper: "Yes Sir?"

Attorney: "Trooper, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Trooper: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

[Oldfart]

Well put.

[sodaklostsoul]

Lol

[Oldfart]

Just got a paper pile with "Wit and wisdom from Military Manuals".

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not your friend."

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

[Oldfart]

"Try to look unimportant, they may be running low on ammo."

[IowaMan]

I'm sure I've read this one before so it could be a repost but what the hell, it's cute. Thanks to a Pixie on hiatus for sending it to me. ;)


Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet. Darryl
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well
burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

"Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.

[PantyFanatic]

As A Woman Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked: "what In The World Are You Doing?"

The Daughter Replied: "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said: "dad I'm Thirty-five, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

A Couple Days Later, The Wife Came Home ! From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room. She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv. The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy. The Wife Aked: "what The Hell Are You Doing?"

The Husband Replied: "i'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law."

:d

[dm383]

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty. (Sorry to any vegetarians out there for that one!)

Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.... it brings so many relatives.

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So.. why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........


Hope you liked at least some of these!

DM

[dicksbro]

:roflmao: I love this thread! :roflmao:

[ShadowDancer]

http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u200/bonnieb_2007/divorceletter.jpg

[IowaMan]

:roflmao:

[IowaMan]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in
the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;
"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull,
the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager begin to emit a
beep, beep,beep.
The little boy yells out,
"Run for your life, she's backing up!!

[sodaklostsoul]

That ^^^^^^ is an oldie but a goodie!!!

[dicksbro]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[dicksbro]

You cannot post

"Thou >Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
and
"Thou Shall Not Lie"

in a building full of >lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.

[dicksbro]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, the house, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, when you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.

The doctors say I will most likely walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story:

Marriage is a relationship, in which one person is always right ...

... and the other is the husband.

[dicksbro]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.



Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[dm383]

(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was,

"DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing

DM

[sodaklostsoul]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[dm383]

A Muslim Indian man was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, mate. I didn't know we had a choice."
**********************************************************

That same Muslim Indian man was sitting in the airport earlier next to an
American Indian and an American cowboy. The American Indian pipes up with

"My people were once many but now they are few"

The Muslim Indian says

"Well my people once were few and now they are many, why do you suppose that is ?"

And the cowboy butts in,

"That's cause we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet...... but it's a comin!"

[IowaMan]

Had a visit just yesterday. Maybe I should've given this a try.

[Oldfart]

It's tempting.

[dicksbro]

A very loud, unattractive, unkempt, angry woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them and jerking them around all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say to him, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid,"' replied the gr eeter, never losing his calm demeanor. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[dicksbro]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...




(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)










"W I N A B A G E L"

[dicksbro]

THE YEAR 1907

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1907. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, (Attention IowaMan!) Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in the US. Was 22 Cents per hour.
The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist made $2,500 per year,
A veterinarian $1,500 per year,
And a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. Took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people :yikes: from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. Were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
There were about 230 reported Murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Now you could send an email with this in it all over the United States and possibly the world, in a matter of just Seconds!!!

Just Try to imagine ... what it may be like in another 100 years !!! IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!

[dm383]

Who said Scots romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column.


Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 3/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

DM

[ShadowDancer]

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

>>

>> A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant

>> operated by a fellow cannibal.

>>

>> Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

>>

>> + Broiled Missionary: $10.00

>> + Fried Explorer: $15.00

>> + Grilled Republican: $20.00

>> + Baked Democrat: $100.00

>>

>> The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price

>> difference for the Democrat?'

>>

>> The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

>>

>> They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

[WildIrish]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" :D

[sodaklostsoul]

>>>Oil Change instructions for Women:
> >>>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
> >>>the last oil change.
> >>>2) Drink a cup of coffee
> >>>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
> >>>maintained vehicle.
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Oil Change: $20.00
> >>>Coffee: $1.00
> >>>Total: $21.00
> >>>
> >>>Oil Change instructions for Men :
> >>>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
of
> >>>oil, filter, kitty litter , hand cleaner and a scented tree, write
> >>>a check for $50.00.
> >>>2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
>home.
> >>>3) Open a beer and drink it.
> >>>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> >>>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> >>>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> >>>7) Place drain pan under engine.
> >>>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> >>>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> >>>1 0) Unscrew drain plug.
> >>>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
> >>>process. Cuss.
> >>>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> >>>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> >>>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> >>>15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
> >>>filter and twist off.
> >>>16 Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> >>>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter in trash can
> >>>to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> >>>17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
> >>>to gasket surface.
> >>>18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> >>>19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
> >>>20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> >>>21) Drink beer.
> >>>22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
> >>>Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
> >>>23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> >>>24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
> >>>oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench
> >>>tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
> >>>excess skin between knuckles a nd frame.
> >>>25) Begin cussing fit.
> >>>26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> >>>27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling
trophy.
> >>>28) Beer.
> >>>29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> >>>30) Beer.
> >>>31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> >>>32) Beer.
> >>>33) Lower car from jack stands.
> >>>34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
> >>>during any missed steps.
> >>>35) Beer.
> >>>36) Test drive car.
> >>>37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> >>>38) Car gets impounded.
> >>>39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> >>>40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >>>
> >>>Money spent:
> >>>Parts: $50.0 0
> >>>DUI: $2500.00
> >>>Impound fee: $75.00
> >>>Bail: $1500.00
> >>>Beer: $20.00
> >>>Total: $4,145.00
> >>>But you know the job was done right!
> >

[IowaMan]

That's not quite fair to us guys Soda. Beer doesn't cost $20/case. :rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

Maybe not............but it was funny. :D

[dicksbro]

Besides, who said we could do it with just one case of beer anyway. :shrug:


:D

[dicksbro]

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

-----

Customer: "I've been ringing 700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RACE Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure..."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ####@@& stupid to own a computer.

[dicksbro]

I can't remember if this has been posted before or not ... but ... as a public service to the guys at Pixies I offer it again ...

These are words women use that men need to understand!

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men . A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw you.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

[IowaMan]

:D good ones DB. Gotta say the one about the call centers hit pretty close to home. Experienced many calls of the kind while a manager at one for a credit card company. Yep, the customer is always right. :rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: But She Loves Him
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket
>>calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
>>
>>Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Mamm,
>>the Crisco is in aisle 3."
>>
>>The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the
>>cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband.
>>He's in here somewhere"
>>
>>The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is
>>Crisco?"
>>
>>The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
>>
>>when we're out in public."
>>
>>"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at
>>home?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Lard ass.."
>>

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Grandmas
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Grandmas don't know everything
>>
>>Little Tony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days.
>>He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came
>>into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2
>>people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>>Â
>>She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the
>>truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
>>Â
>>Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
>>the other kids.
>>Â
>>A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
>>isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
>>mom wants to talk to you."
>>

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
>>route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
were
>>in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming
>>out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks
like you
>>guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
>>
>>Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night. This
>>
>>
>>
>>is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We
>>
>>
>>
>>had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
>>
>>
>>
>>weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
>>
>>
>>
>>midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"
>>
>>The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a
>>sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the
>>sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
>>
>>
>>
>>The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven
>>times...."
>>

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Picture On The Nightstand
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
>>Man on her nightstand by the bed.
>>
>>He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>>
>>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>>
>>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>>
>>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
>>Reassured.
>>
>>"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
>>
>>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>>
>>"That's me before the surgery."Â Â
>>

[dm383]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says,

"LOOK, I DON'T have ANY teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies,

"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[dm383]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc advises:

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat two days, skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
>should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded...

"I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No", the Irishman said, "from feckin' skipping"........

[dm383]

....... how well this'll go down, but it is funny!!

Hope you liked these,

DM

[sodaklostsoul]

It is funny dm!!!!!

[jseal]

dm383,

Ho ho! :thumb:

[IowaMan]

An oldie but a goodie that is in the new Playboy. It's got WI written all over it. :nod:


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could put another pair of breasts there. :rofl:

[WildIrish]

lmfao!!!

[Pita]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must
be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo (the
Huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to
be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of
World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping
Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I
am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused and says. "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"

:D

[IowaMan]

Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton, NC: A man died on a bea ch when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says: "You can't fix stupid." These people prove that it is a terminal condition.

As always, competition this year has been keen.

Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A handgun shop!
2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked
police patrol ca r parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots from a target
pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9 mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparentl y failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.

There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."

Which REALLY proves; "You Can't Fix Stupid " !

[dm383]

(Loo's = Toilets, for those who don't know!! :) )


>When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
>waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
>gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
>
>Every cubicle is occupied.
>
>But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
>woman leaving the cubicle.
>
>You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait has
>been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
>modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on
>the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t so you carefully, but
>quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the
>position".
>
>In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
>You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe
>the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
>
>To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for
>the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the
>toilet roll dispenser is empty...You hover looking around in the hope
>there's a new roll behind you * no such luck. Your thighs start to
>shake more.
>
>Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
>the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck &
>shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very
>unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths
>of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your
>thumbnail.
>
>Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't
>work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding
>your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue,
>the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and
>topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door
>shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just
>managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on
>the floor.
>
>If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up
>and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT
>
>Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
>
>Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ &
>life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
>
>By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
>confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire
>hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely
>covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various
>life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped
>to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
>
>The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab
>onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
>
>At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
>wet toilet seat.
>
>You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper
>you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
>sinks.
>
>You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
>underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the
>basin itself.
>
>You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
>where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand
>blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
>
>You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
>unspoken nderstanding between you all.
>
>A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you
>have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that
>when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in
>the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
>
>As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
>left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
>your handbag hanging around your neck?"
>
>This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It
>also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long
>and it also answers that commonly asked question * Why do women always
>go to the loos in pairs?
>
>It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you
>tissue under the door!
>
>'NUFF SAID ...

[IowaMan]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"










"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[Oldfart]

But she's not what she's quacked up to be.

[sodaklostsoul]

Should of seen Puddle's comming. LOL

[Oldfart]

Did she make a splash?

[ShadowDancer]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[ShadowDancer]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[ShadowDancer]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[ShadowDancer]

NOW THIS IS DRUNK:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting!

[dm383]

As if!!

[dm383]

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating.
2nd is his hilarious reply which was forwarded to HIS entire address
book and is now circulating everywhere.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us
had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you
being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly
words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person. It is weird, The world looked
funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are
songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if
you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and
weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect
that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I
hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

******************************************

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm
not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a
public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to
think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean
slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny"
to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think
you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the
mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,

Brad


Heeheehee

DM

[Oldfart]

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Damn well done, who-ever you are, Brad.

[ShadowDancer]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
> kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
> grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
> note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
> need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
> big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
> She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
> to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
> to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
> as she had instructed.
> Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
> cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[ShadowDancer]

Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker),
confided to her coworkers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State ;


1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you,
they have a tree down there called a Mesquite
and when they slow cook that brisket
over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. ?
The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo.
Talk about athletes...
those guys wrestle full grown bulls!
They ride horses at a full gallop,
then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns
and throw them to the ground!
It is just incredible!"
They then asked,,

"Well, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? ?
When I saw the outline of the condom
they carry in the back pocket of their jeans,
I changed my mind!" ?
http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u200/bonnieb_2007/condom.jpg

[ShadowDancer]

There was a family gathering, with a number of generations around the table. The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all down the front.

"What happened, Grandpa?", he was asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answered, "I don't really know...I had to go to the bathroom...so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

[dicksbro]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

[dicksbro]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[dicksbro]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .

Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[dicksbro]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[dicksbro]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[dicksbro]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[dicksbro]

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

:)