=====>Jokes<=====

[Oldfart]

lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.

[dicksbro]

SUNDAY CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl
coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied
the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains
had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to
skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side
without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there
in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back
on, when the little boy finally remarked .

'You know, I never realized before
just how much difference there really
is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!

[dicksbro]

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ......
?
?
?
?
?
Are you ready for this?
?
?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!

You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

[dicksbro]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ' Tie me up, ' she purred, ' and you can do anything you want. ' So he tied her up and went golfing.

[dicksbro]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ' Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! '

The husband said, ' Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? '

' Doesn ' t matter, ' she said. ' Just get out.'

[dicksbro]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

[dicksbro]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver ' s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. '

' Can you read this? ' the optician asked.

' Read it? ' the Polish guy replied, ' I know the guy. '

[dicksbro]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ' I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. '

' Thank God, ' said an elderly nun at the back. ' I'm so tired of chardonay. '

[dicksbro]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

' Careful, ' he said, ' CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They ' re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don ' t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! '

The wife stared at him. ' What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don ' t know how to fry a couple of eggs? '

The husband calmly replied, ' I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I ' m driving. '

[dicksbro]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[dicksbro]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come mo! rning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Booger]

An Ohio Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm
and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't." the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one.
Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that," he finally conceded. " If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he
gets for Howard."

[dicksbro]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?' she says, 'Of course, dear.'

And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[dicksbro]

A man owned a small farm in Indiana . The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[dicksbro]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

s. Brooks asks! , 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[Oldfart]

This is Amazing!
Forward this message to 5 people ........

AND......
Within 3 minutes.......
























FUCK ALL will happen!

I tried it twice and it worked both times!!

[Oldfart]

Aviation buffs like me, and perhaps for PF.

[dicksbro]

I got this from a friend and thought it was cute ... (Writeen by a mom no doubt) ... :)

-----

I'm a mom and was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.

''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[Oldfart]

The Flight Crew


The airliner pushed back from the gate;

The flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
Information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip
While your captain, Judith Campbell,
And crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by with the drink cart
He said, 'Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?'




'Yes,' said the attendant,
'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed,
'I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think
With only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,
'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'



'It's The Box Office.'

[sodaklostsoul]

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things ar en't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy , South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California . There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

[sodaklostsoul]

Story of our lives!!!


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
in his big bowl, and it is also empty. ' Who's been eating my Porridge?' he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence.... listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!'

[Oldfart]

I think DB gave us this one a while ago, but it's worth the show again.





Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.


"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f-ck off the car!"

[PantyFanatic]

:car:

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

[Oldfart]

That was us a couple of weeks ago.

[PantyFanatic]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said,” Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?" :eew:




:rofl:

[ShadowDancer]

This is wrong but funny...

http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u200/bonnieb_2007/condomafter50.jpg something shared with me by my sister-in-law...

[Oldfart]

A woman was in town for the Boxing Day sales.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and
a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had
just been reduced to just $5 when her mobile phone rang. It was a
female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she was shopping in
Bourke Street and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more
shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the
rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
beautiful complimentary cake at the last shop. She was jubilant. Then
she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........



































The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

[Oldfart]

And in the name of religious tolerence, i give you . . . . . .

[scotzoidman]

And in the name of religious tolerence, i give you . . . . . .
Oh no they didn't.

[PantyFanatic]

That is the ultimate. Either the ultimate in oblivion or the ultimate cynic.
:banghead:

[Oldfart]

Need they be different?

[PantyFanatic]

only as light and dark

(and the option of which to which is yours) :rofl:

[sodaklostsoul]

BEST "HEADACHE" JOKE EVER!!!!!





A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[dicksbro]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

[Oldfart]

That'd do it.

[scotzoidman]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Oldfart]

Why Americans should not quote for Aussie press.

Joy of Sex gets modern makeover: report
Posted 1 hour 26 minutes ago
Updated 1 hour 30 minutes ago

The Observer newspaper is reporting that The Joy of Sex - the groundbreaking 1972 manual that shook up life in the bedroom around the world - has been given a 21st century makeover.

The New Joy of Sex, due out in September, is conceptualised as a modern take on Dr Alex Comfort's original, bringing in new-fangled lovemaking terms and techniques.

Bodypaint, "love maps" and sexual hotspots worth seeking out are included this time.

The head of marketing and publicity for publishers Mitchell Beazley, Jane Smith, says the book has been completely updated.

"But we wanted to ensure that the book does not lose its roots," she said.
"It is, at core, a family reference book. So this new version still includes all that factual information, but many new subjects have been added."

The updated version contains 120 new drawings and photographs.

Out is the original couple illustrated on the cover, with their distinctive, shaggy 1970s hairstyles.

The Joy of Sex has sold 8 million copies since it first hit the shelves.

- AFP

[Oldfart]

Subject: Here's the answer to road rage


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and he slammed down the phone. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him
back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem: I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow house. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He said, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[sodaklostsoul]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker
catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a
hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth
every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own
it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific h and-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

[Oldfart]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Oldfart]

Subject: FW: The talking clock


Proudly showing off her newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk female yuppie led the
way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkenly replied.

"A talking clock - seriously ?"

"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Just watch" she said.

She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.


Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed....

"For f*#k's sake, you stupid bitch... It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!

[Oldfart]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to
the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more
question."
"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[scotzoidman]

That's so wrong...

And so straight out of a classic movie (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059724/)

[Oldfart]

Thought it rang a bell.

[Oldfart]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
"Monsier, that is the reason I stole the paintings...

I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh


See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else


I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!

[scotzoidman]

Daddy, make the bad man stop...

:banghead:

[Oldfart]

You have't suffered enough yet.

You've only five months to work out the reply.

[Oldfart]

A Senior Driver by GRANDMA


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
thrilling choir practice followed by
a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
nice man behind started
honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the
love of God, GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There
must have been a man
from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny
beach. I saw another
man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian
good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and
started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I
slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[dicksbro]

Little Mel issa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Chris tian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Mel issa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. " Mel issa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Mel issa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

:yikes:

[campingboy]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit. that's right, shit!


Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!


Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

[sodaklostsoul]

And thats the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit.

[scotzoidman]

& remember, "shoot" is just "shit" with 2 "o"s...

[Oldfart]

George W was sitting on the oval office when an aide rushed in with a flash message It said that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

GW went pale and his hands began to tremble, a tear coursed down his cheek and he clutched the Bible from his top drawer.

He looked up at the aide and said," Dont hold back son, please tell me.


V V V V

V V V

V V

V
































How many is a Brazilian?"

[IowaMan]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

[Oldfart]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the 86-year-old said ,
Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly !!!

[Oldfart]

Bear in a Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."


The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."


The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this........




The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[PantyFanatic]

SHAME ON YOU :banghead:






















:roflmao:

[PantyFanatic]

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line.

Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ... DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT Booger DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D







(insert appropriate name ;) )

[PantyFanatic]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. :)

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." :tongue:

The proctologist fainted! :faint:

[Oldfart]

BIBLE SALES


(If this doesn't make you laugh, just go ahead and close your casket!)


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious

Financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered

Several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.


So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the

Congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.


Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.


The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and

Were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious

Doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to

Himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor

Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the

Minister decided to let him try anyway.


He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked

With bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of

Their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.


Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately

Asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last

Week?"


Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales

Prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected

On behalf of the church."


"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You

Are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."


Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell of the Church

Last week?"


Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a

Professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and

here's $280 I collected."


The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are

Truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."


Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did

You manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the

Minister a large envelope.


The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"

The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you

Suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in

Just one week?"


Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in

Unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10

Times as many bibles as we could."


"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd

Better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."


Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for

Sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.


Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell

Us what you said to them when they answered the door!"


"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would

Y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and

R-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[PantyFanatic]

:thumb:











:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

DOG DIARY
8:00 am- Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am- A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am- A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am- Got patted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm- Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm- Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm- Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm- Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm- Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.

My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
The Cat!

[Oldfart]

Joe gets home late one night and his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Joe replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her
head in distain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollars tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want!'

[PantyFanatic]

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) :nod:

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "....These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "....Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[Oldfart]

Truth in humour.

[Oldfart]

This is emotive.

How To Dance In The Rain .......

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.


I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and I decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.


On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.


While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.


I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.


I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said ........


"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."


I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.


With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.


The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain."

[Oldfart]

This is only funny if you know Rugby.


A married couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th
wedding anniversary when the wife says
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it's time I made a confession................before we were married I was a hooker for 8 years. Hubby has a little think to himself and replies...
'My love, you have been such a wonderful wife for ten years it seems crazy that I would hold your past against you......in fact you could probably show me a couple of tricks to spice up our sex life a bit.....
wife says " I don't think you understand.....my name
was Arthur and I played with Parramatta...

[IowaMan]

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he! says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That'! s nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.


"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' "


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.

[PantyFanatic]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

[txgrneyes]

:roflmao:

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is o ne of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Oldfart]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Oldfart]

Moms will truly appreciate this one....


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[dicksbro]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

[dicksbro]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello

And too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please note...If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their skit, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

-----

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac ?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows and wallpaper. I want a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

...(A few days later)...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click 'START'

[sodaklostsoul]

LOL^^^^^^^^^^ Love those guys.


Subject: 6 Truths of Life







6 Truths of Life







You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.




























2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.































3. The first truth is a lie.






























4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.


























5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.


























6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.





Sorry about this. I was an Idiot too, and needed company....

[dicksbro]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now,"the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[sodaklostsoul]

As a young minister in
Arkansas, I was asked by a funeral director to

hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the

country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave,
but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch.


I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side
of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this
was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to
pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the
glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the
Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I
preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way
from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the
men, and
walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin'
like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years!"

[Oldfart]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?'


The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman











(Wait for it...........scroll down.)






















'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand......'

[Oldfart]

The 60's


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! "

[Oldfart]

North South Divide

Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting
down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As
yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves
set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now
some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face
to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a broad accent asked
'What's tha sellin' ere?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, 'Tha's
doing well ... Only two left!'

Southerners should not mess with Northerners

[dm383]

I have a suspicion this may have been posted before - but it's still funny, so fuggit!! :D

Are you Scottish?I am........... You know you are a true Scot if...........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan,Milngavie,Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with
his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies
the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

DM

[Oldfart]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

[IowaMan]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on lad, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

:irish:

[PantyFanatic]

:irish:

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

[Booger]

Warning - Do Not Order Mexican Viagra !

Important Bulletin
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra pills
from Mexican mail-order drug stores.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that
several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with
ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible.
Here is what you get when you combine Viagra
with Mexican Jumping Beans.

[Oldfart]

One of the few justifications for homicide.

[Oldfart]

You may know the TV show "Catchphrase"

One example was this.

And the phrase was?

[Oldfart]

The correct answer, you pack of perverts, was, of course













V V V V V V V V




















V V V V V V









Holding down a Job.

Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

[Oldfart]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.



Thought to myself - they've lost the fucking plot.

[dm383]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin,
3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.



Thought to myself - they've lost the fucking plot.


/me groans! :rolleyes2

[sodaklostsoul]

Driving with Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always
made a special effort with his family on the
weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7
year old granddaughter out for a drive in the
car for some bonding time, just he and his
granddaughter.

One week in particular he came home sick, and on
Sunday he was still battling a bad cold and
really didn't feel up to going out for a drive at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and
said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, GrandPa" the girl replied, "and do you know
what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or
lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!

[Oldfart]

Sounds vaguely familiar, I can't think where.

[dicksbro]

GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK!!


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir "

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it "

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out

of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone too!"

[Oldfart]

A man walks into the doctor's office....

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress. Do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours,3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch pornos and eat Twisties"

[Oldfart]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[Oldfart]

Great Government procurement procedures

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Government House in Perth. One from Greece, another from Russia and the third, Turkey. They go with a Government House official to examine the fence.

The Turkish contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Russian contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Greek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Government House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Greek contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Russia to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that my friends, is how it all works!!!

[Oldfart]

Life in the Monastery


A young Monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other Monks in copying the old Canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the Monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Abbot.

So, the young Monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing!!
'We missed the R
We missed the R
We missed the R

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young Monk asks the old Abbot, 'What's wrong, Father?'
With A choking voice, the old Abbot replies, 'The word was..




















CELEBRATE

[Oldfart]

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag
carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window,
snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip the girl until they
both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years
of doctoring............

Wait for it...











Are you ready....













Don't cry . . . .












Here comes the punchline....











You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[PantyFanatic]

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the
work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Really nice. :ranting:

[sodaklostsoul]

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the
work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Really nice. :ranting:
:spank: :spank: :spank:

I already worked today Old Man!!!!!

[PantyFanatic]

:rofl: then it must be me that's screwing off.

[sodaklostsoul]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up in to the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Oldfart]

A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"

[Oldfart]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers

are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously

have a sense of humor

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around

watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send

me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?

(UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which

does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,

which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every

Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come

naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely

handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath

them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine

before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour...

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[IowaMan]

The Madam

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw
a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?", she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man
she charged $5000 a visit.. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money , gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, " Ontario ". "Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am
her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[ShadowDancer]

An elderly man in
Louisiana had
owned a large farm
for several
years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it
up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and
peach
trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,
and look it over.
He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they
all
went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until
you leave!"


The
old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked."
Holding the
bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think
fast.

[dicksbro]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie"...with their 8-year-old son in the apartment...was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed ..

"An ambulance just drove by".

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving".

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "Umm...how do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

[Oldfart]

This is one for the Larry Niven SCI-FI fans.

It won't mean much to the others.

"How many Puppeteers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. They hire Beowulf Shaeffer to do it. Lightbulbs can be dangerous"

"How many Trinoc does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Why do you want to know about our maintenance schedules? Are you planning to attack us in the dark?"

"How many Kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. It sounds perfectly OK to them."

"How many tnuctip does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Depends what you want them to change it into."

"How many Kzin does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"None. You can scream and leap in the dark."

"How many Carlos Wus does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"With an unlimited breeding licence, who needs lightbulbs?"

"How many Slavers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Dunno. How susceptible are lightbulbs to telepathy?"

"How many Grogs does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"One. Something with manipulatory appendages will be along eventually."

"How many bandersnatchii does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Two. One to sit on your armoured hunting car, and one to explain what you'll have to do before it gets off again."

"How many Pak Protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Only one, but the lightbulb has to smell right."

"How many Ringworld Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Thirty. Hey, moving suns around isn't easy..."

"How many Outsiders does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Personal questions cost one trillion stars."

"How many Teela Browns does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Stupid question."


Some more Lightbulb Jokes by Matthew Joseph Harrington
Q) How many thrintun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) CHANGE THE BULB. --None.

Q) How many tnuctipun does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Technically, none. You just have to remember to feed the old one.

Q) How many kdatlyno does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Why change this one? It sounds fine to me.

Q) How many Pak protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Hard to say. This one's too busy killing things with the old one.

Q) How many human protectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) I'm not changing it. I'm rigging it so when a Pak protector tries to change it it should kill thirty or forty of them.

[ShadowDancer]

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked
out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah yes, the dumb like a fox redneck. Gotta love it.

[jseal]

... "How many Teela Browns does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Stupid question." ...
Too true!

[Oldfart]

Too true!

A Niven fan?

[jseal]

a BIG one!

... and the Science Fiction of Roger Zelazny. :thumb:

[Oldfart]

Not such a fan of Roger Z, but I've been a Niven fan since forever.

[dicksbro]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

[dicksbro]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' (I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!!!!'

[Oldfart]

Hey?

[IowaMan]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos
and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[Oldfart]

This is really very funny but you MUST read it out loud!

Tenjewberrymuds


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the
conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees.

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS "Ow July den?"

G: "What??

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?

G: "Crisp will be fine.

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?

G: "What?

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?

G: "I don't think so.

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan
sahn toes' means.
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bodder?

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side.

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side.

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we
bodder on sigh and copy....rye??

G: "Whatever you say.

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds.

G : "You're very welcome."

[scotzoidman]

Finally, I've read something that made my head hurt worse than Dr Suess' "Fox in Sox"

BBL after a glass of aspirin & a handful of water...

[1nutworld]

Two nuns are walking through a graveyard late one evening on their way back to the convent when they are set upon by two young males who leap from the bushes. They pin the nuns down and begin to have their wicked way with them.

At this point one of the nuns cries out "Oh father, please forgive this child as he knows not what he is doing", to which the other nun replies "Well mine certainly does".

[citrus]

A stroll down memory lane with George!

The mother fucking revisionists can't help themselves. :yikes: :hair:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFmRypAYz_E&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLN6c_U0Acg&feature=related

[Oldfart]

Why men don't write advice columns


Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.



Walter

[Oldfart]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[Oldfart]

This is not quite a joke, but,


Would you like to live here? These are names of actual locations:

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

[Neige]

^^^I live not far from Shag's Harbour.

[jseal]

Phuket, Thailand

[ShadowDancer]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and

asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.



In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30

years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new

clothes and other incidentals that she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her

husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he

explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate

downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of

59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what

he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty

years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then

she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were

worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the

largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"

him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results

of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her

husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found

his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I

would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.



You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths

shut.

[Oldfart]

Sometimes women don't know when to shoot blanks, unlike most men.

[campingboy]

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'.


In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made
love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After
supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.


The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't
getting enough work done.


Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.


"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That
will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any
field time."


They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office.


"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"


"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find
a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."


"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.


"Ah mighta trained her too good...................

I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

[Oldfart]

See above.

[PantyFanatic]

^^^ :rofl:




A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. :eek:

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.' :yikes:

[Oldfart]

Yes, scared him stiff.

[dicksbro]

Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO ... This is priceless!

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Check it out ....

[Oldfart]

Yup.

[dicksbro]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[jseal]

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company
Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them anyway."

The room fell silent.

[Oldfart]

An officer and an enlisted man were at the base barber shop.

On completion of his haircut, the officer was asked if he wanted a splash of cologne.

"MY god NO, d'you want my wife to think I've been to a brothel?"

The enlisted man, finished at the same time, answered, "Splash it on, my wife doesn't know what a brothel smells like."

[dicksbro]

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST:

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab driverswill be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, andthen Motel 6 managers.
It's getting ugly folks.

[Oldfart]

'Next Life'
by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and
then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, (and if you're a male or lesbian you suck on a tit everytime you cry) until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like
conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters
every day and then: Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.

[Oldfart]

Everybody has their price




An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

" However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...


"You root her again."

[Oldfart]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

[Oldfart]

When I got home last night , My wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.................
So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!

[dicksbro]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then, who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers. 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then, who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

[dicksbro]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[scotzoidman]

^ ouch...

just ouch.

[Oldfart]

2 Ways to look at everything.........



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Gosh!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

[Booger]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the
husband picks up a case of Michelob
and puts it in their shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Michelob and it's half
the price'.

[dicksbro]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred stallion, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred stallion IS DEAD????"

"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord, Ernesto!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Si, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her head with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 540 golf club."



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep +@#%.!"

[dicksbro]

I was looking at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap Apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa> bed, and watched a little 10-inch Black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old chick!

Now I have a $500,000 Home, A $45,000 Car, nice big bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old Woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't Older Women great? They really know how to solve your Mid-Life Crisis !

[sodaklostsoul]

Subject: Underwear Dust
Underwear dust
>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go unrewarded.
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
> in my underwear?'
>
> She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[PantyFanatic]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted! :faint:

[dicksbro]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. :wine:

[Oldfart]

The art of living dangerously.


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Oldfart]

A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with
empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front
yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into
the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of
clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way
out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet
towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles
of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared
over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up
in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at
him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here
today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you
come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all
day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

[Oldfart]

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

[scotzoidman]

Warning: ^^^ this technique will only work once :yikes:


:roflmao:

[dicksbro]

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

Did you send this to IowaMan. Might warn him not to use bleach. http://bestsmileys.com/doh/3.gif

[Rhiannon]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"

[dicksbro]

Martha lost her husband 3 weeks ago, She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! '

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'






"As promised, Here it comes!!!"

[Oldfart]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceaseds wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, I dont care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I m very grateful. How much did you
spend?






To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.
Theres no charge, she says.
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit! she says.
Honestly, maam, the blonde says, it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after
you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and
she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.





So I just switched the heads.

[dicksbro]

Job at FBI - The right woman for the job

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Don't mess with women.

[Oldfart]

And they think you're kidding.

[Oldfart]

THIS IS NOT THE 'DON'T BUY' PETROL FOR ONE DAY,
BUT IT WILL SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN GET PETROL BACK DOWN TO
$1.00 PER Litre....

This was originally sent by Phillip Hollsworth, a retired
Coca Cola executive.

If you are tired of the gas prices going up AND they will
continue to rise this winter, take time to read this,
PLEASE.

Phillip offered this good idea.

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the 'don't buy
petrol on a certain day' campaign that was going around
last April or May!

It is worth your consideration. Join the resistance!!!!

We are going to hit $ 2.00 a litre and it might go higher!!
Want petrol prices to come down?

We need to take some intelligent, united action. The oil
companies just laughed at last year's action because
they knew we would not continue to 'hurt' ourselves
by refusing to buy petrol. It was more of an inconvenience
to us than it was a problem for them. BUT whoever thought
of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.


Please read on and join with us!

By now, you're probably thinking petrol priced at about
$1.50 is cheap.

It is currently $1.90 for regular unleaded.

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have
conditioned us to think that the cost of a liter of gas is
CHEAP at $1.50, we need to take aggressive action to teach
them that BUYERS control the marketplace...not sellers.

With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we
consumers need to take action.

The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come
down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not
purchasing their petrol! And, we can do that WITHOUT
hurting ourselves.

How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop
buying petrol.

But we CAN have an impact on petrol prices if we all act
together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T
purchase ANY petrol from BP
the biggest price-up driver company.

If they are not selling any petrol, they will be inclined
to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the
other companies will have to follow suit.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions
of BP petrol buyers. It's SO simple!

Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading
and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions and
even BILLIONS of people!!

I am sending this note to 20 people.

If each of you sends it on to at least twenty more
that's (20 x 20 = 400) ..

And those 400 send it to at least twenty more (400 x 20 =
8000 ... and so on,

by the time the message reaches the fifth group of people,
we will have reached over SIXTY FOUR MILLION consumers!!!!!
20x20 = 400

400x20 = 8,000

8,000x20 = 160,000

160,000x20 = 3,200,000

3,200,000x20 = 64,000,000

64,000,000x20 = 12,800,000,000

That's 12.80 Billion people folks, who will have been
contacted!!!!!

Unbelievable?? Do the math and see for yourself!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 20 people.
That's all!
I'll bet you didn't think we had that much
potential, did you!

Acting together we can make a difference..

If this message makes sense to you, then please pass it on.

THEY will LOWER THEIR PRICES TO BELOW THE $1.50 RANGE AND
KEEP THEM DOWN.

THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

It's simple - send the message along to others and
choose to not buy petrol from BP.

TWENTY FIVE POINT SIX BILLION people:

Now THAT's people power.

LET'S

JUST DO IT ! ! !



PF, this one's for you.

[Oldfart]

The point of that one was that there aren't 25.6 billion people in the world (yet).

[Booger]

lol PF dropped the ball again.

[PantyFanatic]

Sorry I missed this earlier. :o

The sad point is that it is not just the erroneous number that won't let it work. The societies and infrastructures of today's world ALL are based on energy, not just (what WAS) the developed countries. It is now not a luxury, but a necessity to function on a minimum daily basis for everyone. That is the ONLY reason the noose is tightening between the global oligarchy and the masses. It is PURELY a matter of monetary manipulation. There is not now, nor has there been, any shortage of the necessary commodities.

The problem with the proposed 'force price war' is that there is only 'one big tank', regardless which spigot is being used. The 'need' will not change and the supply will continue to flow whether it's to a valve with one distributors' logo on it or another's.

:shrug:

[PantyFanatic]

PS

I thought maybe I should post this under another thread with a reference link, but anything about petro prices belongs under 'jokes'. :tear:

[dicksbro]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[sodaklostsoul]

Sunday Morning Sex I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather a d just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm .
Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Oldfart]

I wondered if you'd mention the dong.

[dicksbro]

No doubt it was the "Good Humor" man. :D

[Oldfart]

Nah,, Mr Whippy.

Right OrliFanatic?

[sodaklostsoul]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.



I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.



There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.



She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.



I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.



She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.



So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.



It was empty.



'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.



Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.



She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.



'Do these excite you?' she asked.



Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.



She then said it was time to slip the condom on.



As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.



'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'



So, I climbed on her.



It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown.



'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.



I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.



She fainted.

[dicksbro]

http://www.penisbot.com:8080/cotd/mix/sex/funny_cartoon277.gif

[dicksbro]

http://www.penisbot.com:8080/cotd/mix/sex/funny_cartoon306.gif

[dicksbro]

http://www.penisbot.com:8080/cotd/mix/sex/funny_cartoon282.gif

[Oldfart]

Sorry DB,

They didn't come through on my puter.

[dm383]

Sorry DB,

They didn't come through on my puter.

Likewise. :(

[Oldfart]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,
But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,
pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should
wephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

[Oldfart]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of
betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You
aren't
the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
won't
be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another
voice
in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......












Dave.......

























Dave........































Dave........

























.........you're a vet Dave

[sodaklostsoul]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him,' Why are you shaking so badly?'
The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'
The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.'

'Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar and have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.'

'It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.
A year goes by. When the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks,' Didn't you try what I told you?'

'Yes', says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in.

I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Oldfart]

Well done soda.


After getting involved in an auto accident, I was being question about the fight that followed.

" Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car that I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just get SO stressed...and life...sometimes life seems...suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

.... and that's when the fight started "

[sodaklostsoul]

Lamo^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Am Not Happy!!!!!!!!

[sodaklostsoul]

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
1.Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
2.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
3.Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
4.After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5.Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
6.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
7.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8.Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
9.If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
10.When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

[Oldfart]

Shouldn't this be in "advice" forum, cos it has some good ideas?

[Oldfart]

A terrorist runs into a pet shop .... he puts a bomb on the counter and shouts
"everyone has one minute to get out ........."

A tortoise at the back shouts .... " you c*nt ....!! "

[Oldfart]

Today's attitude.

[campingboy]

A rabbi and a priest were enjoying the local 4th of July picnic.

"My friend, the baked ham is delicious!" teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but why should such wonderful food be forbidden? You haven't lived until you've tried Virginia baked ham. So, Rabbi? When will you break down and try some?"

The rabbi grinned back at the priest, and said, "At your wedding!"

[Oldfart]

Good one.

[txgrneyes]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or sister know how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436Colorado City, Texas 79512
Cleveland, Texas 77327
Dayton, Texas 77535
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460 No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert Lee, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it….it's on the state line.
Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City. . .
Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut 'n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe, Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas.
1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10 The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
12. The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979.
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The name "Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females).
22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

[scotzoidman]

Tennessee Colony, Texas There are some who have suggested that the whole state of Texas started out as a Tennessee colony...just count how many Tennesseans were at the Alamo, not to mention Sam Houston himself.

[Oldfart]

Something to offend almost everyone.
=============================

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to
get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you prick !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings
so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in
a bad mood, it leaves a big big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a
day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's
hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The
reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "no way, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[dicksbro]

^^^^ :roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
PS…. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[dicksbro]

^^^^^ That would go good with a battery operated bug zapper! :boink:

[scotzoidman]

A man's life, summed up in a single photograph...

[Oldfart]

Yup.

[sodaklostsoul]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember
To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From
Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll
Be Afraid To Cough




6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The
Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They
Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[sodaklostsoul]

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,



NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, chocolate, or gasoline vouchers instead?
Thank you!

[sodaklostsoul]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warsh in' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that ?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

[sodaklostsoul]

Married Life
> >>> >
> >>> > Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,
> >>> > chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
> >>> > men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M
> >>> > style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
> >>> >
> >>> > After a few days they meet again.....
> >>> >
> >>> > The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend
> >>> > came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos
> >>> > and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you,
> >>> > then we made love all night long.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met
> >>> > in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega
> >>> > stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
> >>> > the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild
> >>> > sex all night.'
> >>> >
> >>> > The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the
> >>> > kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready,
> >>> > leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My
> >>> > husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
> >>> > and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

[sodaklostsoul]

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
Leaving you forever.





I've been a good man to you for
Seven years and I have nothing to show for it.







These last two weeks have been hell.





Your boss
Called to tell me that you quit your job today and
That was the last straw.







Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
And even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.





You
Ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
Watching all of your soaps.





You don't tell me you
Love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
Connects us as husband and wife.







Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
Anymore; whatever the case, I'm g one.







Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.





Your SISTER and I are
Moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
Life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
Letter.





It's true that you and I have been married
For seven years, although a good man is a far cry
From what you've been.







I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
Constant whining and griping.





Too bad that doesn't
Work.







I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but
The first thing that came to mind was 'You look just
Like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
Anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
Comment.







And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
Gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
Eating pork seven years ago.







About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
Because the $49.





99 price tag was Still on them, and
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
Had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
Morning.







After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
We could work it out.





So when I hit the lotto for
Ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
Tickets to Jamaica.





But when I got home you were
Gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.







I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
Wanted.





My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
Ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.







Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.





I don't know if I ever told you this but my
Sister Carla was born Carl.





I hope that's not a problem.
__________________________________________________

[sodaklostsoul]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

[txgrneyes]

A TEXAS BLESSING>>
Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have
> lived in the hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand
> the weight of this blessing!>>

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.>>
Please keep it cool in mid-July.>>
Bless the walls where termites dine,>>
While ants and roaches march in time.>>
Bless our yard where spiders pass>>
Fire ant castles in the grass.>>
Bless the garage, a home to please>>
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.>>
Bless the love bugs, two by two,>>
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.>>
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,>>
in TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!>>
But this is home, and here we'll stay,>>
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.>>>

HOLD IT............there's more.............>>>>

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN.>>

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.>>

The trees are whistling for the dogs.>>

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.>>

Hot water now comes out of both taps.>>

You can make sun tea instantly.>>

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!>>

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.>>

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.>>

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.>>

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.>>

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.>>

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to> death?'>>

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.>>

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.>>

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.>>

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.>>
God Bless Our State of TEXAS

[Oldfart]

I see you've read the Darwin Australia Tourist site.

[jay-t]

A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree no woodpecker could peck.

The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Texas woodpecker was amazed!

The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able(a term woodpeckers like to use). The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence,said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree,yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state??Huh?

After much woodpecker pondering,they both came to the same conclusion;........

















Apparently your pecker gets harder when you"re away from home!

[Oldfart]

Getting a little Woody there, jay-t?

[TheOverlord]

http://www.sexyandfunny.com/watch_video/sexy-guinness-ad_35989.html

[Oldfart]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'





He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Oldfart]

THE OLDER WOMAN






I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.





She looked OK for a 61 year-old.





In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she


probably had a hot daughter.





We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever


had a Sportsman's Double.





'What's that?' I asked





'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.





I said, 'No' - excitedly.





We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.





I went back to her place.





She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[Oldfart]

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEAD YA
MUPPET.'

[Oldfart]

----- IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one
of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B &
D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used this repairman since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I
gave the teen a $20 note.. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her
fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I
know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed
and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we
can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back
$9.50 in change.
Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our
road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that
side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE

[sodaklostsoul]

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

[sodaklostsoul]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done .....Your turn)

[sodaklostsoul]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[dicksbro]

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using yo ur cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sur e that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting you r hair to ma ke it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[dicksbro]

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else
to take care of first - the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing -always something more important to me than the lawn mower.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went in to the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will be able walk again, - - but I will always have a limp.

[PantyFanatic]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap!' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow!' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

[Oldfart]

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Direct Marketing.

___________________________________________________________________

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

- That's Advertising.


___________________________________________________________________


You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Telemarketing.

___________________________________________________________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Public Relations.


___________________________________________________________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

- That's Brand Recognition.

___________________________________________________________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.

- That's a Sales Rep.

___________________________________________________________________



Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

- That's Tech Support.-


___________________________________________________________________


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

- That's Spam.

[dicksbro]

Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.? On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big; I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike.? He thought that might be a good thing to try.? On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.? They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly.? I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Ka ren took off her pants and handed them to Mike.? She said, 'Here - you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly.? And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

[dicksbro]

Actual call center conversations!


Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[Oldfart]

"F(x) = a + 2b walks into a cafe, and asks for a hamburger with egg and cheese.
The proprietor replies, 'Sorry, but we don't cater for functions.'

[scotzoidman]

I may be one of the 2.867% that finds ^^^ that funny...

[Lord Snow]

I'm a numbers guy. Always like math and don't know why. I thought it was funny as well Scotz.

[Oldfart]

Now we only need to find the 0.867 to get a clear picture of who these strange folk are.

[dicksbro]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. ONE AFTERNOON THE

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and, in the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon, it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know ... I haven't had teh flu all winter."

[dicksbro]

Two guys drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that a moose has sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Ah shit," says his friend, "and I just joined the Elks".

[Oldfart]

"Two inmates were waiting to go up before the parole board. The first inmate says to the second that he doesn't think he has much chance of getting out. The second inmate says, 'There's a sure-fire way for a good-looking bloke like you to make parole - proposition the chief warden's wife. You'll be out straightaway.' 'Don't be ridiculous,' says the first inmate. 'Everyone knows you can't end a sentence with a proposition."

[Oldfart]

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees

his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself"

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says

"Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too















and drives off.

[Oldfart]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold

a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr
old

what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place...

smack his arse again!"

[Oldfart]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully
Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
Rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
Bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the Traffic
becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
Vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by The
road?" he asks.
Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[Oldfart]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern
University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached
it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events
of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[scotzoidman]

All Wal-Marts in Alabama have sold out of ammunition!


Alabamans just found out Russia invaded Georgia.


They intend to hold them off at the border.

[Oldfart]

he 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Oldfart]

THE REAL OLD WEST

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learning' something' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much

[sodaklostsoul]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

Thanks soda.

Newspaper Ads.


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.


8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!







FREE PUPPIES:


1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.






FREE PUPPIES...


Mother, AKC German Shepherd.


Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.






FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.


Looks like a rat. Been out a while.


Better be a big reward.






COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.


Also 1 gay bull for sale.









JOINING NUDIST COLONY!


Must sell washer and dryer £300.






WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .


Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.






And the best one?:






FOR SALE BY OWNER:


Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.


£1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,


Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[Oldfart]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries,' smiled Craig, 'I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[Oldfart]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[cutsdean]

Man says to his wife "why do you never tell me when you Cum"

Wife says "I don't like to bother you at work!!!"

[txgrneyes]

Get yourself together and try reading this out loud. It will take at least a handful of tries because you're laughing so hard. Sorry if this is repeated but it is way to funny not to post it again.

JUST LIKE A MAN WITH A NEW TOY!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going togive this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my since of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift,and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[dicksbro]

It ain't easy being a dick.

Got a head ya' can't think with.

Got an eye ya' can't see with.

Got to hang around with two nuts all the time.

Have a closet neighbor who's a real asshole.

Best friend is a pussy.

And, worst of all, everytime ya' get excited, ya' throw up.

:(

[Oldfart]

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate lots of prunes --------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -----------------------------A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------- -------------- Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------- Go Gogh
his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling! . . . there ya' Gogh!

[Oldfart]

One for WI.



SHIPWRECKED

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health..
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Oldfart]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a
new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[dicksbro]

:roflmao:

[Oldfart]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.


He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for



a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'





The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,huskyvoice,the


woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only


fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.


3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.


5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.





'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?',





The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not


if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'