Pixies Place Forums - =====>Jokes<=====

dicksbro

06-23-2007, 04:57 AM

Got this in an email ...

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears (could have been anyone) repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower”. I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two”.

We haven't used Sears repair since.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore”.

From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef? Yep...!

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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask”.

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!?"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing”. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often”. Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instrument.

_________________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

_________________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It’s open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side”.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

dicksbro

06-23-2007, 05:14 AM

Another e-mail jewel ...

I don't know what's worse...the person suing or the jury of their 'peers'!

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around

dicksbro

06-23-2007, 05:44 AM

This may have been posted before ... but ... it's delightful and could use a return visit ...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."

They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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Q: Did he kill you?

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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Oldfart

06-24-2007, 07:14 AM

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.

Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by environmental Factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary listened to The Instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are Important to each other."

Starting with the man, the instructor asked : "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touching Mary's arm gently, and whispered : "Self-raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Tom's life of celibacy.

Winston77

06-25-2007, 12:29 PM

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

So to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors .......

have never been visited!

Booger

06-26-2007, 01:20 PM

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did before the next
race.

Sure enough, the priest stepped onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of them.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day wore on, the priest continued blessing
horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew
his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the
ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the
horses.

Mitch bet every cent on the horse and lo and behold the horse ended
last, crossing the finish line so far behind the bunch and almost in a
state of dying.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won.

The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you,
I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites!"

Oldfart

06-26-2007, 04:11 PM

Do Elephants Really Have a Good Memory?

I don't usually like these heart-warming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
North-western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mike approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply imbedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with
his hunting knife. The elephant gingerly put down his foot..

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on
it's face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mike stood frozen, thinking about being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged sons.

As they approached the elephant closure, one of the elephants turned and
walked over to where Mike and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

ShadowDancer

06-26-2007, 05:04 PM

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her
fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Oldfart

06-26-2007, 09:48 PM

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

sodaklostsoul

06-26-2007, 10:00 PM

WildIrish

06-27-2007, 12:39 PM

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself!"

jseal

06-28-2007, 08:04 PM

A Spanish teacher was explaining to the class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa", while "pencil" however, is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Winston77

06-29-2007, 09:36 AM

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers
from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?

txgrneyes

06-29-2007, 10:51 PM

Ok I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I am the only one who would be using female products, Correct? Well a strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing. It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (during that time), I go back to my cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure? I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfullness, but am really wondering now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and low and behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves! Now I am starting to freak...Dear God, What are they doing with them?!! I get a hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lavk of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says,

"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND.....GO PLAY"

sodaklostsoul

06-29-2007, 10:55 PM

Lmao^^^^

txgrneyes

06-29-2007, 10:58 PM

In this life I'm a woman...

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When your a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a gilr bear, you birth your children (who ar the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup....gonna be a bear.

txgrneyes

06-29-2007, 11:11 PM

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose--from among many men--a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading :"These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and one said to the other "Well that is better than not having jobs, or not loving kids but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: These men have high paying jobs, loves kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm, " says one of the girls, " But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign read: " These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the house work."

"Wow!" said one of the girls, "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up.

The forth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romatic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," says one friend, " but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the fifth floor they go--and the sign on that door reads: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

txgrneyes

06-29-2007, 11:18 PM

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Ruth, in the passengers seat, thought to herself, " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through. This time, Ruth was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay closer attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they blew right through it. She turned to the driver and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh shit! Am I driving?"

sodaklostsoul

06-29-2007, 11:34 PM

Lol

Oldfart

06-30-2007, 01:52 AM

Too near the bone.

LOL

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:05 AM

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…“Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:11 AM

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:15 AM

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing
that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now"!!

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:17 AM

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks,"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

:D

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:22 AM

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in the arms of another man!

The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head.

"Don't do it!" His wife shouted. "This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.

Looking over at the cab driver, he asks, "What would you do?"

The cabbie thinks for a brief moment and says, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

dicksbro

07-02-2007, 04:26 AM

Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a
great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.

Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At
4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his
head.

The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the
road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"

Winston77

07-04-2007, 12:38 AM

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”

sodaklostsoul

07-04-2007, 09:47 AM

This thread is always good for a laugh!!!

Winston77

07-05-2007, 08:22 PM

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign."

I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support.

"Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

Winston77

07-07-2007, 05:10 PM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$80,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

IowaMan

07-12-2007, 01:51 PM

Just realized the new Playboy was in the stack of mail I picked up at the post office yesterday. Here's my favorite "Party Joke" from this issue.

A little boy walked toward his parents' room at night after hearing strange noises coming from inside. He looked through the keyhole and said to himself, "And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

dicksbro

07-13-2007, 03:06 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Interesting technique . . .

dicksbro

07-13-2007, 03:10 PM

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on ..... there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

dicksbro

07-13-2007, 03:17 PM

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little boy.

The teacher looks at the boy with surprise,

"Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," he replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Chciago Cubs fan, and proud of it," he replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Why pray tell are you a Chicago Cubs fan?"

"Because my mom is a Cubs fan, and my dad is Cubs fan, so I'm a Chicago Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," he smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

(You're welcome, IowaMan! :D )

IowaMan

07-13-2007, 05:32 PM

I'd be lying if I said that one didn't put a big smile on my face. :D

ShadowDancer

07-15-2007, 05:09 PM

This is a story about

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

(Maybe not the one

Most of you expect....

So, read on!)

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

"Gosh..if I go down three inches I will feel the mist

From the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is

Enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly..

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

This particular river around lunch time)

"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly .

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear..

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

Winston77

07-16-2007, 09:47 AM

News Flash..........................
A British company is developing small computer chips that can store

music in women's breasts.

This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

dicksbro

07-18-2007, 04:06 AM

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

WildIrish

07-18-2007, 11:16 AM

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc.,
and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?"

Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Sue is aghast. "Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!"

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

dicksbro

07-24-2007, 05:48 AM

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? Talk about cool!!

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don 't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love,

Rickey

dm383

07-25-2007, 02:52 AM

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

PantyFanatic

07-25-2007, 10:10 PM

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

:nod:

IowaMan

07-26-2007, 08:37 AM

Hmmmm, does this remind anybody of someone we know? :rofl:

PantyFanatic

07-26-2007, 09:17 AM

I hope so :thumbs:

IowaMan

07-26-2007, 09:41 AM

THE FUNERAL ....

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart, forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "Sorry, I was just thinking of my funeral - I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.......

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:01 PM

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house -three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:06 PM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members there mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in p eople's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:07 PM

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:08 PM

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:09 PM

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

dicksbro

07-27-2007, 03:11 PM

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison"

Winston77

07-27-2007, 11:54 PM

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on
her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

sodaklostsoul

08-02-2007, 10:52 PM

Subject: Duct Tape....don't let this happen to you!!
>
>
> Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the
bar.
> He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
> > >
>"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
> wanted to ask out, but every time I saw her I got an erection?"
> > >
> "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
> > >
> "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the
courage to
>ask her out, and she agreed."
> > >
> "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
> > >
> "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried
>I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it"
to> my
>leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
> > >
> "Sensible" says Jeff.
> > >
> "So I get to her door," says Paul, and I rang her doorbell. She
answered
>it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
> > >
> "And what happened then?"
> > >
> "I kicked her in the face."
>
>

Oldfart

08-02-2007, 11:43 PM

Well.

Winston77

08-03-2007, 09:20 PM

SIGN LANGUAGE

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! He just ASKED for some sausages.

I don't know about you sometimes!

IowaMan

08-03-2007, 09:21 PM

Ya got me on that one Winston! :roflmao:

dicksbro

08-04-2007, 05:59 PM

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said .

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, ow old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

dicksbro

08-04-2007, 06:01 PM

BTW, Winston, that was terrific. That's two you caught with that one. :roflmao:

dicksbro

08-06-2007, 02:52 AM

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast
in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked over and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer"

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?

dicksbro

08-06-2007, 03:04 AM

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once.

Oldfart

08-06-2007, 06:20 AM

Love it. I know a lady like that, still has the first dollar she ever earned.

dm383

08-06-2007, 01:56 PM

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

"Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,

.........you'll love this..........

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"

IowaMan

08-07-2007, 02:20 PM

oh my god DM...... :roflmao:

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for
knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 88, a man is like Iran - ruled by a
dick

dm383

08-08-2007, 01:54 PM

An elephant and a camel meet up in a zoo. Neither has met a member of the other species before, so they spend some time looking each other over and noting the similarities and differences.

"Why are your breasts on your back?", the elephant finally asks the camel. "Seems a mighty strange place to have them if you ask me".

"Well," says the camel, "I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

scotzoidman

08-09-2007, 10:26 AM

Be forewarned, the following is not politically correct by any stretch...

The following are the latest terror alerts throughout Europe:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves
have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

sodaklostsoul

08-09-2007, 07:24 PM

That's ^^^^^funny.

Subject: Eat to Live, Or Live to Eat ?

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80, or more?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing in the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a shit?"

dicksbro

08-10-2007, 05:06 AM

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
AL - QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign ...

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

jseal

08-10-2007, 05:17 AM

dicksbro,

Good One! :)

Winston77

08-11-2007, 09:15 AM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you ain't got the fifteen bucks, get the hell outta my cab !"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport ?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks." came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way ?"

"What ?!? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport ?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK." And off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

jseal

08-11-2007, 10:06 AM

:rofl:

Oldfart

08-11-2007, 08:10 PM

There are some nasty people in this world. Good one.

sodaklostsoul

08-12-2007, 10:43 PM

The Nagger

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder
at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give
him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

IowaMan

08-13-2007, 07:14 PM

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had
assigned their new wives specific household duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was required to wash the dishes and clean the house. It
took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a
clean house with dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the house
cleaning, to wash the dishes, and to do all of the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but on the second day
he saw that the situation was getting better. By the third
day, he saw that the house was clean, the dishes were washed,
and there was a splendid dinner on the table.

The third man had married a woman from California. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes
washed, the lawn mowed, the clothes laundered, and hot food on
the table for every meal. The first day he couldn't see
anything, and the second day he couldn't see anything. By the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could
see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

Winston77

08-14-2007, 08:06 AM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me. So I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre. So I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

IowaMan

08-14-2007, 10:53 AM

A cocky State Highway employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highway employee said, "I have the authority of the Government to go where I want. You see this card from Homeland Security? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on your farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out loud, "Show him your card, show him your card!!

Oldfart

08-16-2007, 04:17 PM

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to fiddle with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will ventually say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole programme looking for it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're feeling amorous afterwards.. ..then I'll certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... .like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I see flat-pack furniture as a challenge to have the greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end. If the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely seen as a bonus.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to women, the penis contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know exactly where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost, it's because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on our underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
Because I am a man, I can and will fart loudly and often. It's our way of marking our territory. If we didn't do it, burglars would come. You wouldn't want that, would you?

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Oldfart

08-16-2007, 04:19 PM

Subject: FW: Dwarf Nuns

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, slightly perplexed "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back now really concerned and says, "Your extreme holiness!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Oldfart

08-16-2007, 04:22 PM

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10
to 15 times a night?"

"Shit!" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

IowaMan

08-16-2007, 05:13 PM

"Dopey shagged a penguin!" :roflmao:

That one is absolutely great OF! :thumb:

sodaklostsoul

08-17-2007, 07:29 AM

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual de-masculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

dicksbro

08-18-2007, 07:44 PM

A friend sent me a note with this URL listed. Cute. Amazing how alike some do look.

http://www.cosmictribune.org/lookalikes.htm

Ron

Oldfart

08-22-2007, 06:25 PM

First rule of being a Viking.

Rape and pillage first, then burn.

IowaMan

08-23-2007, 12:00 PM

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the
fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a
chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't
you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she
could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said "Oh my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and
GIZZARDS!!!

Oldfart

08-23-2007, 04:38 PM

She tried to stroke it and it spat at her, so she broke it's neck.

WildIrish

08-24-2007, 12:58 PM

A friend sent me a note with this URL listed. Cute. Amazing how alike some do look.

http://www.cosmictribune.org/lookalikes.htm

Ron

OMG!!! Joan Crawford & Michael Jackson! How scary.

Oldfart

08-25-2007, 09:40 PM

Most of these we've seen before, just count this as a compilation.

Quotes about Sex

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."

--Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

--Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither."

--Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

--Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

--Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

--Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

--Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." -- Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

--Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."

--Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

--George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

--Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

--Camille Paglia

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

--Unknown

"My kid had sex with your honours student."

--Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."

--Tshirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."

--Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."

--Woody Allen

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."

--Lynn Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."

IowaMan

08-27-2007, 04:27 PM

Magic Beer

A woman meets an attractive man in a bar and asks him what he is drinking.

'Magic Beer,' he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'

'Yes, I'll show you.'

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. '

IowaMan

08-27-2007, 04:30 PM

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit!"

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

A Sign Of Change

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"

Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"

jseal

08-27-2007, 05:07 PM

Excellent! :thumb:

IowaMan

08-27-2007, 07:27 PM

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "Seven feet tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty inch private, three pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me… I'm seven
feet tall, I weigh three hindred fifty pounds, I have a twenty inch
private, my testicles weighs three pounds each, and my name is Turner
Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!… Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
Turn around".

Booger

08-29-2007, 03:59 PM

I guess we have all had days like this

Timing is often everything.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

dicksbro

08-29-2007, 04:10 PM

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today ." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the ba tteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was place d in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. <--- I LOVE THAT

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emerg ency room!

Life is sure tough for some, isn't it?

dicksbro

08-29-2007, 04:21 PM

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fixes his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

dm383

08-30-2007, 02:47 AM

Bampot!!! :trout:

:)

DM

IowaMan

08-30-2007, 06:00 AM

Yep, I think DM got that one about right. :D

Shame on you DB! :whack:......... :roflmao:

WildIrish

08-30-2007, 02:12 PM

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
Breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
Have just one problem... It's these breasts you have given me. The
Middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
With my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
Pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only
Two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point", replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
Only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
Away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
Into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
Animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All
The animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
Could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
Create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......where did I put the
Useless boob?"

jseal

08-31-2007, 10:08 AM

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

It seems the in Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant; in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant; in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant; in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant; in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant; in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Oldfart

09-01-2007, 07:14 AM

Just heard on TV.

Dyslexic creationism.

The story of Adam and Ewe.

Winston77

09-01-2007, 03:08 PM

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible> sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

scotzoidman

09-01-2007, 09:30 PM

Just heard on TV.

Dyslexic creationism.

The story of Adam and Ewe.
:roflmao:

dicksbro

09-03-2007, 03:57 AM

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sautéed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't {bleeping} think so.

dicksbro

09-03-2007, 04:02 AM

IowaMan

09-03-2007, 05:24 PM

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know if she was joking...

IowaMan

09-04-2007, 09:27 AM

Water vs.wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service.

Oldfart

09-04-2007, 08:02 PM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging Two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a While a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the Pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there Are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says The little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you Get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of SYDNEY FOOTBAL STADIUM. Each time there's a ROOSTERS football game on, a Lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my Flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes With a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks His little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or Off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing!"

dm383

09-06-2007, 02:45 AM

A stranger to Glasgow met his pal at the station. It was obvious that
someone had recently punched his face.

His pal asked,

"What on earth happened to you then?"

The chap replied,

"I've no idea why, but a barmaid just belted me in the
face!

I was just killing a bit of time in a pub and my luggage bag was in the
way, so I asked the barman if he would mind keeping it behind the bar.

He was happy to do this. When I went back to collect it later, this
barmaid was on duty.

All I said to her was, 'Any chance of getting my holdall?' and she hit
me!"

dm383

09-06-2007, 02:52 AM

IowaMan

09-10-2007, 02:47 PM

Hopefully football fans in the southern US don't hate me for this one, I'm just passing it along. I've heard many of these in different contexts (1nutworld, osuche and PF had a few of them going pretty well before the Ohio St./Michigan game last fall).

Football Quiz
Whoopie! It's football season! Fall weather! Cookouts! Picnics! Best socializing of the year! Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season. Even though you may know most of the answers, it is still fun to reminisce the halcyon days of yore.

1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT's?
..........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
.........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash).....
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .

Oldfart

09-10-2007, 04:07 PM

I'm not touching this one.

WildIrish

09-10-2007, 04:26 PM

.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .

:roflmao:

IowaMan

09-12-2007, 10:20 AM

A Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my ver! y best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

WildIrish

09-12-2007, 02:49 PM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit". The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit... It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see.. Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34." A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

WildIrish

09-12-2007, 02:52 PM

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she Screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman
Asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six Hours?"

The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the Bedspread".

dicksbro

09-12-2007, 04:16 PM

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

dicksbro

09-13-2007, 06:13 AM

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? Good question

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

dicksbro

09-13-2007, 06:17 AM

A Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass!!"

WildIrish

09-13-2007, 12:24 PM

New Chemical Element

There is proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element, called Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

dicksbro

09-14-2007, 04:59 AM

:roflmao: ^^^^ See, you don't have to joke to get a laugh around here! ^^^^ :roflmao:

dicksbro

09-14-2007, 05:01 AM

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Faith Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.”

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died" Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now.” Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!”

dicksbro

09-14-2007, 05:06 AM

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me adults don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Winston77

09-14-2007, 05:29 AM

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

ShadowDancer

09-14-2007, 08:25 PM

'Almost' True Story...

A South Georgia farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there it's 95° with 90% humidity. But Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably. He asks, "Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?" The farmer replies, "Oh, this is like a warm spring day in south Georgia. I like it."

Angry, Satan turns up the thermos until it's 100° and 95% humidity. Still, the farmer's happy. "This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all."

Furious, Satan turns it up to 105°and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the south Georgia farmer still laying there resting. "Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good." "The hotter the better."

In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25°F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.

The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere, realizes that Hell has frozen over, and begins to laugh, jump for joy and scream.

"Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida!"

scotzoidman

09-14-2007, 09:50 PM

Ed was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, "AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.

Lilith

09-14-2007, 09:59 PM

'Almost' True Story...

"Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !

scotzoidman

09-15-2007, 11:18 PM

"Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida! Georgia beat Florida!"
I told the same joke to mrs zoid today, substituting Tennessee for Georgia...

It got a hoot out of her...

dicksbro

09-16-2007, 06:12 AM

The Scotsman, The Englishman & The Irishman Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. - All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "But it did happen to me sister."

dicksbro

09-18-2007, 05:37 PM

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The Priest said, 'Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, 'I'll marry them.' :p

dicksbro

09-18-2007, 05:40 PM

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

sodaklostsoul

09-18-2007, 09:37 PM

Bridal Registry.............ROFLMAO!!!!!

IowaMan

09-19-2007, 10:52 AM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from southern
Virginia arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled;
'Come on,this Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings, her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know. I thought you were
watching.'

Moral of the story:

Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men . . . are men.

jseal

09-20-2007, 07:04 PM

This is cute: Pachelbel Rant (http://youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM)

Oldfart

09-21-2007, 05:10 AM

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma;
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson...

"They won't let me fart."

Oldfart

09-21-2007, 05:21 AM

This is cute: Pachelbel Rant (http://youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM)

Loved it.

WildIrish

09-21-2007, 11:21 AM

WOW!!! The scientists have really been busy this month! On the heels of their most recent discovery of Governmentium, they've discovered two MORE elements!

Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

dm383

09-22-2007, 03:16 AM

Possibly a re-post, but I KNOW Aqua (and others) will like it!!

I do! :D

DM

scotzoidman

09-22-2007, 09:21 PM

Jeez, don't let Aqua find this place! He'll wear the skin clean off his hands...

Oldfart

09-23-2007, 01:13 AM

And PF'll go nutsier trying to get the knickers off.

dm383

09-23-2007, 03:03 AM

And PF'll go nutsier trying to get the knickers off.

D'you think it wiser NOT to tell him where i is then? Or should we...... just for a giggle?!?! :devil:

DM

txgrneyes

09-24-2007, 01:21 AM

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Walmart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9
and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
plain stupid?''

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got
laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Oldfart

09-24-2007, 03:41 AM

D'you think it wiser NOT to tell him where i is then? Or should we...... just for a giggle?!?! :devil:

DM

DM,

Wait till we have access to the security film.

Winston77

09-26-2007, 09:10 AM

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out,
and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a headstone or something. The
first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend
however was wearing an expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a
grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After
finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the
other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out
have got to stop. My wife came home last night without
her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a sympathy card stuck between the
cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Oldfart

09-27-2007, 03:16 AM

One of the junior Oldfarts (my younger daughter) sent me this.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Oldfart

10-03-2007, 04:15 AM

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "what's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

I think this one's been around already, but one more time wont hurt anybody hey?
The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women...

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have boobs.

PantyFanatic

10-09-2007, 11:09 AM

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

:D

Oldfart

10-09-2007, 04:36 PM

Pa-tooooie.

Oldfart

10-10-2007, 05:17 AM

This is a repeat, but for those who haven't heard it before,

MY PRIVATE PART DIED TODAY"

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with
his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas. "

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my
private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?"

You're going to love this..................

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

IM1469

10-10-2007, 07:08 PM

The difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey you, get off my cloud" while the Scotsman sings "Hey, McCloud, get off :ewe: :ewe: :ewe: my ewe."

sodaklostsoul

10-10-2007, 10:30 PM

:roflmao:

Oldfart

10-11-2007, 03:26 AM

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A:"Gifted"

Q: What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?

A: A Golden Retriever Q: How do blonde brains cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What did the blonde say to the doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?

A: Because that's where you're suppose to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde in the car with you?

A: Cause then you can park in the handicap zones.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes be allowed to take coffee breaks?

A: It takes to long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if a second blonde has used the same computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to put information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get the shopping channel.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water in those little boxes.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?

A: Because they can spell it Q: Why do blondes right T.G.I.F. on their shoes?

A: To help them remember T.oes G.o I.n F.irst.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on each side of her?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

A: A mental block.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: What's the first thing that a blonde does in the morning?

A: Introduces herself.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

Q: What is is called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data Transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress while reading her name tag?

A: "Debbie"...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They are easier to keep amuzed.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. She just holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her!

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a Veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.....

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the earth.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A: She slipped off the sink and broke her ankle.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that dropped out of nursing school?

A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.

Q: Why did the blonde stare intently on the carton of orange juice?

A: It said "concentrate".

Q: What do they call four blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin'.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2 to 4 years".

Q: How many blondes does it tak to play hide and seek?

A: Just one, and she's STILL trying to find herself!

Q: What do you call the skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

Q: Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?

A: Because they can't figure out how to get 8 cups of water and a cup of sugar in those little packets..

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear.

Q: why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam?

A: She wasn't used to the front seat.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: ....I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

A: Two. One to stand in the bath tub of water and the other to plug in and pass her the blow dryer.

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket and riding on a motorcycle?

A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number "Eleven"?

A: She didn't know which of the one's came first.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A: Air pockets.

Q: What can strike a blonde without them ever knowing it?

A: A thought.

Q: Why do blondes hate M & M's?

A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What's brown and red....and black and blue all over?

A: A beat up brunette that told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What does Dr. "Bones" McCoy say just before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: SPACE....The final frontier.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a tall building, who hit the ground first?

A: The brunette, the blonde stopped to ask for directions.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by some people's words?

A: Because these people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: They both eventually end up in the gutter.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A: So men and brunettes can understand them too.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: "Frosted Flakes"

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has actually been seen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?

A: "No, but I've been pulled aroung by my ponytail."

Q: What do blondes and cow "patties" have in common.

A: They both get easier to pick up with age.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in just 6 months?

A: Because on the box it read:"From 2 to 4 years."

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell her a joke on Friday nights.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?

A: "Oh looky!!! Donut seeds!!!!!"

Q: How does a blonde discribe in words how it feels being surrounded by a bunch of drooling idiots?

A: "Flattered."

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

A: Because they can't spell Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?

A: A "Branch" Manager.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Turns out....neither could the blondes.

Q: What is the blondes "cheer"?

A: "I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh...oh well....

I'm a blonde, I'm a blonde, yea..yea...yea!"

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker and the bottom of the pool.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: "SPOT."

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair in ponytails?

A: To hide the air valve stems.

Q: What do you call you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: Space invader.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's disposable diaper once every month?

A: Because it says right on the package: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How does a blonde High-five?

A: She smacks herself on the forehead.

Q: How do you amuze a blonde for hours?

A: Just write, "Place this side down" on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite Rock Group?

A: Air Supply.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde with P.M.S. and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "1-1" when they dial "9-1-1".

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eye?

A: The back of her head.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing panty hose?

A: When she passes gas, she blows her shoes off.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You Don't. They're born that way.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde write mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How does a blonde balance her check book?

A: On the end of one finger, but on her nose if she's really good at it.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

A: There's a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She can get the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What is five miles long, makes a whining noise and has an IQ of 40?

A: Blondes on Parade.

Q: To a blonde what is it that is long and hard?

A: The fourth grade.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she didn't eat red meat anyway.

Q: Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine closet?

A: She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all accidents happen around the home?

A: She moved.

Q: Why do blondes like lightening?

A: It makes them think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes so much?

A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

Q: Why don't they hire blonde pharmacists?

A: She kept breaking the pill bottles trying to get them into the typewriter.

Q: What is the definition of GROSS IGNORANCE?

A: 144 Blondes.

Q: What are the worse five years in a blonde's life?

A: sixth grade.

Q: Why was the front of the blondes clothes always so filthy?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk."

Q: How did the blonde get 36 holes in her face?

A: Trying to learn to eat with a fork.

Q: Why did President Bush want to send an army of blondes with P.M.S. over to Iraq?

A: They're irritated enough to kill and they retain water.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: Because their ovens don't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why do blondes have a hard time dialing 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't find the number 11 on the phone.

KEEP GOING.....LOT'S MORE BLONDE JOKES!!!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call four blondes lying side by side on the ground?

A: An air mattress.

Q: What do they call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?

A: Divorcee' Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: "What? What?"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the backseat of her car?

A: In case she locks her keys in the car.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at the local University sports events?

A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a Rolls Royce.

A: Widow of that Old Rich guy.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M & M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A: Give her a bag of m & m's and have her alphabetize them.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?

A: She missed.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road.

A: I don't know, and neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?

A: To show the chicken how it was done.

Q: What job title does a blonde have in an M & M factory?

A: "Proofreader."

Q: Why did they fire the blonde from the M & M factory?

A: She kept throwing away all the "W's"

Q: Why did the blonde steal the police car?

A: She saw 911 on it and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?

A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind the steering wheel?

A: An Air Bag.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: "It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on It's off..."

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes: VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for blondes?

A: Perri-air.

Q: How can you tell when there's a blonde working in the office?

A: There's a bed in the stockroom and all the bosses are smiling!

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

A: Stick a tire pressure guage in her ear.

Q: Why can't blondes put light bulbs in?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.

dm383

10-11-2007, 08:57 AM

Hey.............

OF..............

....... got any "blonde" jokes, mate? ;)

DM

scotzoidman

10-11-2007, 09:11 AM

I knew OF would never resort to posting a few blonde jokes for a cheap laugh :rolleyes:

Oldfart

10-11-2007, 04:24 PM

Absolutely!!

This was not a few LOL

scotzoidman

10-11-2007, 09:59 PM

Really?

Hadn't noticed...

Oldfart

10-12-2007, 07:07 PM

I almost missed it too.

Oldfart

10-14-2007, 04:49 PM

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

IowaMan

10-14-2007, 06:19 PM

A couple of cute cartoons I had sent to me.

Winston77

10-15-2007, 07:32 AM

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What
happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

"The%*$!(@!( had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

dm383

10-16-2007, 01:28 PM

Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
And asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired."Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was
bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

Oldfart

10-16-2007, 04:21 PM

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres

that were aired on TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava

from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves

it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really

a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah,

isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the

Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold

Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife

takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob,

where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only

did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were

laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters -

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer

for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only

come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson

lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick

likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

txgrneyes

10-17-2007, 08:07 PM

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda
Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

txgrneyes

10-17-2007, 08:37 PM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
> > >
> > >
> > > Dear Diary,
> > >
> > > For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> > > personal training at the local health club for me.
> > >
> > > Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> > > cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> > > and give it a try.
> > >
> > > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> > > Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> > > model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> > >
> > > My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> > > encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> > > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
> > > for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing
> > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
> > > showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> > > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
> > >
> > > Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> > > aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >
> > > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> > > then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> > > all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> > > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> > > hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > > steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> > >
> > > Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> > > club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> > > and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > > stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > > activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> > >
> > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> > > some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> > > a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> > >
> > > Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> > > ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
> > >
> > >
> > > Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY :
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> > > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> > > anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> > > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> > >
> > > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> > > And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
> > > barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
> > > flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> > >
> > > Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> > > choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> > > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> > > hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY :
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> > > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> > > daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
> > > a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
> > > over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Oldfart

10-18-2007, 03:33 AM

Just one for the men.

Ladies, there is nothing of interest here, move along please.

dm383

10-18-2007, 03:47 AM

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Vodka Scooter'.
The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.
The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion -

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

The Scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for! This answers a third question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences.

Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men no jacket.

Vodka scooters.........the wonders of modern technology.......
Have you ever had a ride on one??!!

Oldfart

10-19-2007, 05:24 AM

My daughter sent this link.

It's funny.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=25774

jseal

10-19-2007, 05:31 AM

^^^ Excellent! ^^^

scotzoidman

10-19-2007, 09:35 PM

Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

scotzoidman

10-24-2007, 10:11 AM

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again , but something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on. 'The good news is that you've got $30,000 compensation coming to you and we now have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact. But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap - it's a thousand dollars an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So, the thing is' says the doctor, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher, she might be disappointed. So, it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'Well, my dear fellow, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

Oldfart

10-24-2007, 04:14 PM

I've seen this before, but it's still a goodie.

scotzoidman

10-25-2007, 10:11 AM

Clearly he was telling her "faster", & she misunderstood...

Could happen to anybody.

Oldfart

10-26-2007, 06:20 AM

Wrong, wrong.

She was not only driving the car, but she was at the joystick control of her latest toyboy.

Booger

11-01-2007, 02:14 AM

The Dress

The cute, busty young blonde tried on an extremely low cut dress and, as she studied herself in the mirror, asked the sales clerk if she thought it was too low cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" asked the clerk.

"No. Of course not," said the blonde. "What a stupid question."

"Then it's too low cut!"

Oldfart

11-01-2007, 06:37 AM

Yep.

txgrneyes

11-04-2007, 07:35 AM

Cake Or Bed
>
> A Husband Is At Home Watching A
> Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
> Honey,
> Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
> It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
>
> He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
> Fix The Lights Now?
> Does It Look Like I Have
> Ge Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
>
> Fine,
>
> Then The Wife Asks,
> Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
> It Won't Close Right
> To Which He Replied,
> Fix The Fridge Door?
> Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
> Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So
>
> Fine, She Says
> Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
> To The Front Door?
> They Are About To Break.
>
> I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
> Want To Fix Steps.
> He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
> Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
> I've Had Enough Of You.
> I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
>
> So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
> Couple Of Hours....................................
>
> He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
> He Treated His Wife, And Decides
> To Go Home
>
> As He Walks Into The House He Notices
> That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
>
> As He Enters The House, He Sees The
> Hall Light Is Working.
>
> As He ! Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
> The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
> Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
> She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
> Outside And Cried.
>
> Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
> What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
>
> He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
> All I Had To Do Was Either
> Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
>
> He Said,
> So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
>
> She Replied,
> Hellooooo...
> Do You See Betty Crocker Written
> On My Forehead?
>
>
> I Don't Think So!

dicksbro

11-05-2007, 05:27 AM

:roflmao:

dicksbro

11-05-2007, 09:06 AM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" the son asked.

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry." the father replied.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's & 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After he is 50+, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asked.

"Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

dicksbro

11-05-2007, 09:09 AM

1. A day without sunshine is like... night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

dicksbro

11-05-2007, 09:19 AM

Not really a joke, but interesting to think about ...

SAVOR THE COFFEE

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a
reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite, telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
Notice that all of the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up,leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money, and position in
society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life.
The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of Life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee we have fortuitously been provided.

Nature makes the coffee, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Enjoy your coffee!

-- Author Unknown

dicksbro

11-05-2007, 09:43 AM

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand ..

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

dm383

11-05-2007, 02:58 PM

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty .

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters jist like him in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think its like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin mak hael sentences jist wi sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eatin it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,irn-bru, fags
and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17.Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it
hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse
bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,

'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?'

'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

dm383

11-05-2007, 03:06 PM

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

(Sorry if that's a repost!)

DM

WildIrish

11-12-2007, 10:18 AM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year
old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say
something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out
of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes
back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Oldfart

11-12-2007, 03:51 PM

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this
very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave
it his all; right there on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

PantyFanatic

11-13-2007, 10:44 AM

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee'shome phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

"HELLO"

"Is your daddy home"? he asked

"YES" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk to him"

The child whispered "NO"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"YES"

"May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered "NO"

Hoping there was somebody there with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"YES" whispered the child "A POLICEMAN"

Wondering what a cop was doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak to the policeman?"

"NO, HE'S BUSY" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"TALKING TO MY DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the telephone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A HELICOPTER" answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "THE SEARCH TEAM JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER"

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME"

:)

Winston77

11-14-2007, 02:23 PM

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.

dicksbro

11-15-2007, 06:21 AM

Subject: hunting in the south

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve
it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. And, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer
replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

WildIrish

11-16-2007, 12:28 PM

Microsoft Diner

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

PantyFanatic

11-22-2007, 10:38 AM

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h102/PantyFanatic/Mooo.jpg

IowaMan

11-22-2007, 11:05 PM

Damn, that's a cute one PF! :thumb:

dicksbro

12-04-2007, 04:06 AM

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

dicksbro

12-05-2007, 05:50 PM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his test! Icles , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said
The president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

ShadowDancer

12-05-2007, 10:50 PM

While the family was sitting at the dinner table,
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

:boobs:

dicksbro

12-07-2007, 09:16 PM

^^^^ Lol

dicksbro

12-09-2007, 04:39 AM

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an u=truth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,

Signed: Women of the World

dicksbro

12-09-2007, 04:50 AM

And they say Blonds are Dumb!

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES, YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.

Oldfart

12-10-2007, 02:47 AM

I think a repost, but a goodie nonetheless.

Estate Planning:

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary man he said as he walked up to her,
'but in just a few months, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men

dm383

12-12-2007, 05:55 PM

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And
Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire
Hydrants And...........

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not
Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My
House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in
My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I
Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

(Hey, I'm allowed! I work with these people!!! Some of them are patients of mine, too! ;) )

dm383

12-12-2007, 05:59 PM

' WINTER '
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Fuck Me!

It's Cold!

hydeaspire

12-12-2007, 06:41 PM

Mad Betty is speeding around the mental hospital in her wheel chair when crazy Jim stoppes her, "Where's your licence?" he demands,
"Screw you" say's Betty in reply and speeds off!
After a few corners Nutty Nigel stop's her,
"Wheres your insurance certificate?" he demands,
"Piss off" replies Betty and speeds off again!
she gets a few corners futher when loopy Liam finaly stops her with his trousers round his ankles sporting a large erection,
"Oh shit" exclaims Mad Betty, "Not the breathaliser again"!

scotzoidman

12-14-2007, 01:16 AM

(Hey, I'm allowed! I work with these people!!! Some of them are patients of mine, too! ;) )
And as anyone who's ever dealt with one or more people with any of the above conditions can attest, finding a way to laugh about it is the only way to keep from crying... :thumbs:

(I enjoyed every single one, dm)

txgrneyes

12-14-2007, 10:07 PM

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

sodaklostsoul

12-17-2007, 11:38 PM

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

dm383

12-19-2007, 04:59 PM

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the Â£15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split Â£7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels Looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like A water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with A perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the Â£5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the Next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of My next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

Oldfart

12-20-2007, 05:24 AM

Sprung!!

dicksbro

12-20-2007, 05:32 AM

:roflmao: @ DM! That's terrific.

ShadowDancer

12-21-2007, 11:12 PM

> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
> >> Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 01, 2007
> >>
> >> RE:
> >> Christmas Party
> >>
> >> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> >> place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
> >> at the Grill House.
> >>
> >> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> >> band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
> >>
> >> And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!
> >>
> >> A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among
> >> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> >> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> >> gathering is only for employees!
> >>
> >> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
> >>
> >> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >>
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >> ***************************************************
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 02, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> >> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> >> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> >> However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
> >>
> >> The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
> >> or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
> >>
> >>
> >> There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
> >>
> >>
> >> We will have other types of music. Happy now?
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays
> >> to you and your family.
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >>
> >> *****************************************************
> >>
> >> FROM:
> >> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DA TE:
> >> October 03, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> >> requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> >> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
> >> that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
> >> supposed to handle this?
> >> Somebody?
> >>
> >> Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
> >> the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
> >> believe $ 10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
> >> ALLOWED.
> >>
> >> *****************************************************
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> To: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> >> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> >> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> >> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> >> our Muslim employees'
> >> beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> >> until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
> >> take it home in
> >> little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
> >>
> >> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
> >> farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant w omen will get the
> >> table closest to the rest-rooms.
> >>
> >>
> >> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
> >> with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
> >> flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
> >> permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
> >>
> >> We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
> >> available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
> >> food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
> >> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> >> restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
> >> Sorry!
> >>
> >> Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >>
> >> ************************************************
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All F****** Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 05, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: The F****** Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> >> this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
> >> sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> >> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
> >> organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> >> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> >> scream right NOW!
> >>
> >> I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
> >>
> >> Drive drunk and die,
> >>
> >> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >>
> >>
> >> *********************** **********************
> >>
> >> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> DATE: October 06, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >>
> >> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> >> recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
> >> meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> >> everyone the afternoon of the 23 RD off with full pay.
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays!
> >>
> >> Joan

Oldfart

12-22-2007, 12:38 AM

How did you find out about our staff Xmas party?

BTW, the 23rd is a Sunday LOL

dicksbro

12-22-2007, 04:07 AM

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today:
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'

ShadowDancer

12-22-2007, 12:44 PM

Got this from my aunt....
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The
Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in. And then the trouble started...
Shut up. You know it's funny.

ShadowDancer

12-22-2007, 12:47 PM

http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/full/ap/3023160/graphic1.swf

Booger

12-24-2007, 01:31 PM

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Oldfart

12-25-2007, 08:15 PM

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Oldfart

12-25-2007, 08:17 PM

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark
Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity
to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much
greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven
by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the
dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs
can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided
by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full,
it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction
from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch
an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem
as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore
it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just
below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.
If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice
it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you
would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet,
and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly
enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be
able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark
Sucker.

scotzoidman

12-26-2007, 12:11 PM

Well, that's gonna put another kink into Einstein's Theory...

Booger

12-26-2007, 01:52 PM

Well, that's gonna put another kink into Einstein's Theory...

Dang I never knew Einstein was kinky.

Oldfart

12-26-2007, 04:20 PM

That's the theory, apparently with relatives.

txgrneyes

12-27-2007, 07:35 PM

THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

Oldfart

12-28-2007, 02:51 AM

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS

* Indecision is the key to flexibility.

* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.

* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.

* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.

* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.

* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.

* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

IowaMan

12-30-2007, 07:15 PM

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Within a few seconds a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eyes"

dicksbro

01-03-2008, 06:38 AM

^^^^^ OMG! :roflmao:

Oldfart

01-04-2008, 10:06 PM

An oldie, but worth the re-post.

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.

Oldfart

01-05-2008, 08:06 AM

Just saw this. very funny, sadly clean.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissions/mqa421199234381/nab7r41199234382.wmv

jseal

01-05-2008, 08:51 AM

^^ At last! :wine: ^^

dm383

01-05-2008, 05:39 PM

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters pussy - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.

A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"

"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................

A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"

Oldfart

01-05-2008, 08:29 PM

So wrong on about 37 different levels.

sodaklostsoul

01-05-2008, 11:43 PM

So wrong on about 37 different levels.
But dang funny!!

Oldfart

01-06-2008, 01:13 AM

But dang funny!!

True.

Oldfart

01-07-2008, 04:20 PM

*Bunnings has everything!*

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper
than a
Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings

Oldfart

01-09-2008, 08:37 AM

From the master himself.

BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six
year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?

Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into
the next day! What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim
stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em!! If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied
to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive
if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous
and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off

IowaMan

01-11-2008, 01:21 PM

CIRCUMCISED...THIS IS PRICELESS
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

IowaMan

01-12-2008, 12:52 PM

CATALOG ORDER:

Dear Madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys web site.

You've requested the Large Red Vibrator as featured on our wall display.

Please select another item. That's our fire extinguisher.

Thank you.

sodaklostsoul

01-12-2008, 09:44 PM

*snicker*

Oldfart

01-13-2008, 05:30 AM

No, that's smaller and less rounded.

dicksbro

01-13-2008, 08:18 AM

This one is especially for Soda and Booger ... :)

Norman and his wife live in Michigan. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes o ut, and Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

dicksbro

01-14-2008, 10:36 AM

Birds of a feather flock together and shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

dicksbro

01-14-2008, 11:05 AM

1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the refrigerator.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up ... not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on the elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel. :yikes:
7 Your friends "Marry" and "Divorce" ... not "Hook Up" and "Break Up."
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater are no longer considered being dressed up.
10 ou're the one calling the police because those %#@$ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives now feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance payments go down while your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet rather than McDonald's scraps.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps. :boink:
17. Dinner and a movie are the whole date, and not just the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would upset your stomach, not settle it.
19. You go the the drug store for IBUPROFEN and Antacid and not for condoms and pregancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before you go to a bar.
25. When you find your friend is pregnant you congratulate then instead of asking, "Oh, shit, what the hell happened?"

scotzoidman

01-14-2008, 03:48 PM

6. You watch the Weather Channel.
I keep telling my kids that it's like MTV for old folks...

Oldfart

01-14-2008, 03:53 PM

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great....some asshole's got my pen!"

Oldfart

01-16-2008, 03:58 AM

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf"

sodaklostsoul

01-16-2008, 07:00 AM

:nuts:

Oldfart

01-17-2008, 07:55 AM

Can you pick the blonde?

Oldfart

01-17-2008, 07:57 AM

The answer?

Check the legs.

sodaklostsoul

01-18-2008, 08:53 AM

Apartment Rental

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
Agrees to spend the night with her for$500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
He tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
Calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for$250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam::

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of$250 for rent of your
Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note,

The girl immediately returned the check for $250

With the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
If you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
But if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
Please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
Contact your present landlady

dicksbro

01-22-2008, 03:17 AM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity ."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted."

dicksbro

01-22-2008, 03:49 AM

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" ? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window INTO THE WIND ?