Wrong, wrong.

She was not only driving the car, but she was at the joystick control of her latest toyboy.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The Dress



The cute, busty young blonde tried on an extremely low cut dress and, as she studied herself in the mirror, asked the sales clerk if she thought it was too low cut.


"Do you have hair on your chest?" asked the clerk.


"No. Of course not," said the blonde. "What a stupid question."


"Then it's too low cut!"

__________________
it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Yep.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Cake Or Bed
>
> A Husband Is At Home Watching A
> Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
> Honey,
> Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
> It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
>
> He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
> Fix The Lights Now?
> Does It Look Like I Have
> Ge Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
>
> Fine,
>
> Then The Wife Asks,
> Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
> It Won't Close Right
> To Which He Replied,
> Fix The Fridge Door?
> Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
> Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So
>
> Fine, She Says
> Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
> To The Front Door?
> They Are About To Break.
>
> I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
> Want To Fix Steps.
> He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
> Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
> I Don't Think So.
> I've Had Enough Of You.
> I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
>
> So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
> Couple Of Hours....................................
>
> He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
> He Treated His Wife, And Decides
> To Go Home
>
> As He Walks Into The House He Notices
> That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
>
> As He Enters The House, He Sees The
> Hall Light Is Working.
>
> As He ! Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
> The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
> Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
> She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
> Outside And Cried.
>
> Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
> What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
>
> He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
> All I Had To Do Was Either
> Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
>
> He Said,
> So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
>
> She Replied,
> Hellooooo...
> Do You See Betty Crocker Written
> On My Forehead?
>
>
> I Don't Think So!

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" the son asked.

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry." the father replied.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's & 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After he is 50+, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asked.

"Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

1. A day without sunshine is like... night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Not really a joke, but interesting to think about ...

SAVOR THE COFFEE

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a
reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit the conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite, telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
Notice that all of the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up,leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money, and position in
society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life.
The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of Life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee we have fortuitously been provided.

Nature makes the coffee, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Enjoy your coffee!

-- Author Unknown

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand ..

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty .

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters jist like him in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think its like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin mak hael sentences jist wi sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eatin it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding an fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,irn-bru, fags
and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17.Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it
hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse
bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,

'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?'

'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."



(Sorry if that's a repost!)

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year
old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say
something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out
of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes
back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this
very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave
it his all; right there on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee'shome phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

"HELLO"

"Is your daddy home"? he asked

"YES" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk to him"

The child whispered "NO"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"YES"

"May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered "NO"

Hoping there was somebody there with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"YES" whispered the child "A POLICEMAN"

Wondering what a cop was doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak to the policeman?"

"NO, HE'S BUSY" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"TALKING TO MY DADDY AND MOMMY AND THE FIREMAN" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the telephone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A HELICOPTER" answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "THE SEARCH TEAM JUST LANDED A HELICOPTER"

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME"

__________________

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,




"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."


Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese