Stop me if you have heard this......
 

It's another joke thread


A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, 'Bill where did he go when he left here?'
Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.'

Any of you ladies like donuts?


Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Last one for now



Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed

Three old guys who have been institutionalized for most of their lives were being evaluated by the home's psychicatrist.I am going to ask you each a few questions and write your answers on my clip board.So he ask the first old man if he knew what 3x3 was.Sure Doc.it's 276.He asked the second man what is 3x3.It's Tuesday Doc. The third man answered 9 Doc.Why that is right.Do you know how you arrived at the answer? Sure Doc.I subtracted 276 from Tuesday.

ROTFLMAO

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an ML."

The bartender says, " What's an ML?"

She says, " A Miller Light."

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a BL."

The bartender says, "What's a BL?"

She says, "Bud Light."

A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

The bar tender says," What's a fifteen?"

She says," 7&7, duh!"

25 SIGNS THAT PROVE - "YOU'VE GROWN UP"

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is not for playing games.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop that creepy ENGINEER guy from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

BROKEN LEG

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

LESSER KNOWN HUSSEIN RELATIVES

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated , a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay ..................the restauranteur
Guday................... the half-Australian brother
Huray.................... the sports fanatic
Bejay......................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay....................the baseball player
Ojay........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay......................the singer / entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray......................the country music star
Ecksray...................the radiologist
Puray.......................the blender factory owner
Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay......................the one with bad hair:

Among the sisters:
Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay........................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister
Dushay......................the clean sister
Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway..................the grocery store owner
Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay........................the prostitute
More will no doubt be discovered.

Words of Wisdom
 

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."