John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison"

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on
her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

Subject: Duct Tape....don't let this happen to you!!
>
>
> Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the
bar.
> He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
> > >
>"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
> wanted to ask out, but every time I saw her I got an erection?"
> > >
> "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
> > >
> "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the
courage to
>ask her out, and she agreed."
> > >
> "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
> > >
> "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried
>I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it"
to> my
>leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
> > >
> "Sensible" says Jeff.
> > >
> "So I get to her door," says Paul, and I rang her doorbell. She
answered
>it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
> > >
> "And what happened then?"
> > >
> "I kicked her in the face."
>
>

Well.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

SIGN LANGUAGE


A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)









What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! He just ASKED for some sausages.


I don't know about you sometimes!

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

Ya got me on that one Winston!

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said .

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, ow old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

BTW, Winston, that was terrific. That's two you caught with that one.

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast
in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked over and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer"

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once.

Love it. I know a lady like that, still has the first dollar she ever earned.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,

"Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,





























.........you'll love this..........






























"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

oh my god DM......

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.


After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for
knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 88, a man is like Iran - ruled by a
dick

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

An elephant and a camel meet up in a zoo. Neither has met a member of the other species before, so they spend some time looking each other over and noting the similarities and differences.

"Why are your breasts on your back?", the elephant finally asks the camel. "Seems a mighty strange place to have them if you ask me".


"Well," says the camel, "I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind