Too near the bone.

LOL

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…“Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy
when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the
man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing
that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now"!!

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks,"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in the arms of another man!

The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head.

"Don't do it!" His wife shouted. "This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.

Looking over at the cab driver, he asks, "What would you do?"

The cabbie thinks for a brief moment and says, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a
great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.

Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At
4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his
head.

The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the
road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

This thread is always good for a laugh!!!

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign."

I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support.

"Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$80,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

Just realized the new Playboy was in the stack of mail I picked up at the post office yesterday. Here's my favorite "Party Joke" from this issue.


A little boy walked toward his parents' room at night after hearing strange noises coming from inside. He looked through the keyhole and said to himself, "And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Interesting technique . . .

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on ..... there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little boy.

The teacher looks at the boy with surprise,

"Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," he replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Chciago Cubs fan, and proud of it," he replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Why pray tell are you a Chicago Cubs fan?"

"Because my mom is a Cubs fan, and my dad is Cubs fan, so I'm a Chicago Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," he smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."



(You're welcome, IowaMan! )