Subject: But She Loves Him
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket
>>calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
>>
>>Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Mamm,
>>the Crisco is in aisle 3."
>>
>>The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the
>>cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband.
>>He's in here somewhere"
>>
>>The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is
>>Crisco?"
>>
>>The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
>>
>>when we're out in public."
>>
>>"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at
>>home?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Lard ass.."
>>

Subject: Grandmas
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Grandmas don't know everything
>>
>>Little Tony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days.
>>He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came
>>into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2
>>people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
>>Â
>>She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the
>>truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
>>Â
>>Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
>>the other kids.
>>Â
>>A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
>>isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
>>mom wants to talk to you."
>>

Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Subject: The Mailman
>>
>>
>>
>>One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
>>route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
were
>>in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming
>>out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks
like you
>>guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
>>
>>Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night. This
>>
>>
>>
>>is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We
>>
>>
>>
>>had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
>>
>>
>>
>>weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
>>
>>
>>
>>midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"
>>
>>The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
>>
>>
>>
>>"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a
>>sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the
>>sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
>>
>>
>>
>>The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven
>>times...."
>>

Subject: Picture On The Nightstand
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
>>Man on her nightstand by the bed.
>>
>>He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>>
>>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>>
>>"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>>
>>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
>>Reassured.
>>
>>"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
>>
>>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
>>
>>"That's me before the surgery."Â Â
>>

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says,

"LOOK, I DON'T have ANY teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies,

"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc advises:

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat two days, skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
>should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded...

"I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No", the Irishman said, "from feckin' skipping"........

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

....... how well this'll go down, but it is funny!!

Hope you liked these,

DM

Attached Images

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__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

It is funny dm!!!!!

dm383,

Ho ho!

__________________
Eudaimonia

An oldie but a goodie that is in the new Playboy. It's got WI written all over it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could put another pair of breasts there.

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

lmfao!!!

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must
be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo (the
Huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to
be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of
World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping
Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I
am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused and says. "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"

__________________
Just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly!

Owning Pita, by my JassWolf!!
My Story~ Friday Night Spanking

Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton, NC: A man died on a bea ch when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says: "You can't fix stupid." These people prove that it is a terminal condition.

As always, competition this year has been keen.

Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A handgun shop!
2. The shop was full of customers -- firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked
police patrol ca r parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup, and fired a few wild shots from a target
pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9 mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparentl y failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA. Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.

There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."

Which REALLY proves; "You Can't Fix Stupid " !

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

(Loo's = Toilets, for those who don't know!! )


>When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
>waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
>gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
>
>Every cubicle is occupied.
>
>But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
>woman leaving the cubicle.
>
>You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait has
>been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
>modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on
>the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t so you carefully, but
>quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the
>position".
>
>In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
>You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe
>the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
>
>To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for
>the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the
>toilet roll dispenser is empty...You hover looking around in the hope
>there's a new roll behind you * no such luck. Your thighs start to
>shake more.
>
>Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday
>the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck &
>shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very
>unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths
>of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your
>thumbnail.
>
>Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't
>work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding
>your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue,
>the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and
>topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door
>shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just
>managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on
>the floor.
>
>If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up
>and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT
>
>Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
>
>Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ &
>life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
>
>By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
>confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire
>hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely
>covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various
>life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped
>to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
>
>The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab
>onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
>
>At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
>wet toilet seat.
>
>You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper
>you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
>sinks.
>
>You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
>underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the
>basin itself.
>
>You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
>where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand
>blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
>
>You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
>unspoken nderstanding between you all.
>
>A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you
>have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that
>when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in
>the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
>
>As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
>left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
>your handbag hanging around your neck?"
>
>This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It
>also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long
>and it also answers that commonly asked question * Why do women always
>go to the loos in pairs?
>
>It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you
>tissue under the door!
>
>'NUFF SAID ...

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"










"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus