A LOVE STORY

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Thanks for the laughs, won't be having any later at work so I got them now.

An oldie but a goodie.

Attached Images

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

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Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A touch close to home. LOL.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

CIRCUMCISED...THIS IS PRICELESS
>>
>>A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
>>
>>Squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She
>>went
>>
>>back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And
>>whispered that
>>
>>he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
>>teacher told
>>
>>him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his
mother
>>and ask
>>
>>her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
>>Suddenly,
>>
>>there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back To
>>investigate only
>>
>>to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I
thought
>>I told
>>
>>you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me
that
>>if I
>>
>>could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
>>
>>KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
>>
>>

OMFG!!!!!

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It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

Early advertising?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
>
>"Yes. What can I do for you?"
>
>"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
>marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
>them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
>
>"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
>search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
>every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
>leave.
>
>Shortly,the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's
>Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
>
>"Yeah!"
>
>"Did they chop your firewo od?"
>
>"Yep!"
>
>"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
>
>(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)
>
>

--
Have a Great Day!

A bloke's wife goes missing while on a diving holidaying on the West
Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have
happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that......

So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!

Exercise Routine

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient . It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN..............





























































































NOW SCROLL UP ...


That's enough for the first day. Great job.



Have a glass of wine.

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Eudaimonia

LOL^^^^ glad I'm not 50 yet.

*whew* that wore me out...

that's even more strenuous than "lather, rinse, repeat"

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

You're a hard taskmaster, jseal.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and
collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days.
In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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“Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says she loves you limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul.” --Anita Blake to Jason Schuyler in "Blood Noir" by Laurell K. Hamilton