Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came back with a card stuck to her ass that said ...

From all of us
at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > > people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
> > > of the football team is doing these days -- mowing
> > > my lawn.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > > out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > > dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > > sex with their hot , blonde teachers are permanently
> > > damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> > > "Lucky bastards."
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > > Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
> > > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
> > > You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
> > > and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
> > > with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> > > And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> > > his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> > > Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > > order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
> > > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > > cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
> > > Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> > > huge asshole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> > > right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> > > to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> > > weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> > > high.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > > used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
> > > and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
> > > out the stuff you want and having other people buy
> > > it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
> > > version of looting.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
> > > bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> > > offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> > > with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> > > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> > > fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> > > just want to wash my hands.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > > don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do
> > > just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> > > care in the first place.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
> > > and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
> > > then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
> > > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
> > > future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
> > >
>

A VOICE FROM THE BACK PEW
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before
> >>
> >>>the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they
> >>
> >>>passed a
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> >>
> >>>paycheck.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation
> >>
> >>>decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
> >>
> >>>additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher
got
> >>
> >>>up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he
said.
> >>
> >>>Silence fell on the congregation.
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
> >>
> >>>said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>>wear rubbers."
> >>
> >>>
> >>
> >>>And the congregation said, "Amen
> >>

Male
>Strippers
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Last night, my Red Hat friends and I
>went to a Ladies Night Club.
>
> One of the girls wanted to impress the
rest
> of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
>
>
>
> When the male dancer came over to us,
>
> my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck
it to
>his butt cheek!
>
>
>
> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a
$20
>bill.
>
> She called the guy back, licks the
$20
>bill,
>
> and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
>
>
>
> In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
>
> my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls
the
>guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
>
> I'm worried about the way things are going, but
>fortunately,
>
> she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.
>
> My relief was short-lived.
>
>
>
> Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over
>to me!
>
> Now everyone's attention is
focused on
>me,
>
> and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.
>
> My brain was churning as I reached
for
>my wallet.
>
> What could I do?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The woman in me took over!
>
> I got out my ATM card,
>
> swiped it down the crack of his butt,
>
> Grabbed the eighty bucks,
>
> and left!!!!
>
>
>
> "Good Old Red Hat Girls"
>
>
>

>>>,Bra Codes
>>>
>>>
>>>Mammograms
>>
>>>Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need
to
>>>worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the
exam and
>>>doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test
>>>and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around
>>>your home.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE ONE:
>>>
>>>Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door
>>>as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
>>>
>>>Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time
>>>wasn't effective enough.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE TWO:
>>>
>>>Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just
>>>perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with
>>>one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to
slowly
>>>back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled.
>>>Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
>>>
>>>EXERCISE THREE:
>>>
>>>Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
>>>stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts.
>>>
>>>Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an
appointment
>>>with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
>>>
>>>YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
>>>
>>>AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
>>>
>>>MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
>>>MENopause............
>>>
>>>Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
>>>
>>>When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
>>>
>>>Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a
>>>mammogram!!!!!!
>>>
>>>A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
>>>Hard to Find
>>>Supportive
>>>Comfortable
>>>Always Lifts You Up
>>>Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
>>>And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
>>>
>>>Share this with a friend!
>>>I DID
>>
>>

I wouldn't have waited for the receipt to print up after swiping the ATM card either Sodak.

The cold garage floor and the rear tire............

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before
his congregation to ask for a raise.

After much discussion, They passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the assembled crowd.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen"

SDLS

Have you seen Deja Vu yet?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.



"No," he says, "The seat is empty."



"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"



The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."



"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"



The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

Lol^^^

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

I know people like that.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

__________________

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
> >>him that she needs to file her taxes.
> >>
> >>The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a
> >>few questions."
> >>
> >>He gets her name, address, social security number,
> >>etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
> >>
> >>"I'm a whore," she says.
> >>
> >>The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That
> >>won't work. Let's try to rephrase that.
> >>
> >>"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
> >>
> >>"No, that still won't work. Try again."
> >>
> >>They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
> >>chicken farmer.
> >>
> >>"The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
> >>being a prostitute?"
> >>
> >>"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
> >>
> >>...."Chicken Farmer it is."
> >>
>
>