A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor Was Visiting The Hospital When,
>during Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was
>ma$turbating.
>
>"oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He
>doing That?"
>
>the Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very Sorry
>but This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Te$ticles Rapidly Fill
>with $emen. If He Doesn't Do That Five Times A Day, They'll Explode
And
>he'll Die Within Minutes."
>
>"oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.
>
>in The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was
>performing Oral $ex On A Different Male Patient Again The Woman
Screamed
>"oh My God!
>
>how Can That Be Justified?"
>
>the Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan
>

An elderly couple was attending church services . About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent fart --- what do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

__________________

Si à travers nos veines coule encore le sang...
Si dans les jeux d'enfants on entend encore l'accent...
Si nous sentons encore l'espoir de nos grands-parents...
Si dans les voiles du large souffle encore le vent...
Y'a jamais eu de Grand Dérangement.

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Australian computer lingo


A bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any
cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten
the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red
Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from
K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the
shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the
counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the
fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the
hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs
aren't strong enough.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

little bobby was playing at his friend jimmy's house when he came home to ask his gramma: "can i sleep over jimmy's house tonight?"

"sure," she says.

he goes back outside and comes back in a few minutes later. "gramma, what do you call it when two people sleep with one on top of the other?"

gramma is curious about his question but decides to be honest with the little guy and says, "we call that sexual intercourse."

bobby goes back outside to play and returns again just a few minutes later. "gramma, you're wrong. they're called bunk beds, and jimmy's mom wants to talk to you right now."

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

Can be divided into two categories...........










......women ~ complex, thoughtful, exemplary beyond comment...... and men.

That's all folks...move along now please!!

DM

Attached Images

	women.jpg (69.0 KB, 174 views)
	men.jpg (37.3 KB, 166 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat
on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the
cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're
OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things I would want...a great golf game, all
the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and
the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me
that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm
a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way,
it's good to see you're doing all right."


"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer
money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When
I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer
sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"


"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and wearing white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

Subject: Singles Meet
>
>Dorothy and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.
>
>They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that
they
>enjoyed each other's company.
>
>After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Dorothy out or
>dinner and, much to his delight she accepted.
>
>They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in
>town.
>
>Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
>
>Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Dorothy
>soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
>
>As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each
>was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
>
>Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
>gentler."
>
>Dorothy was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken
>off
>my pantyhose."
>
>

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father
> said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000
> & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The
> next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a
> suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick
told
> him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom
> you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was
> coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a
> $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
>
>
>

Steph and sodaklostsoul, those are terrific. Thanks.

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!
>
>Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
>prepared for the answer:
>
>
>
>In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first
>witness to the stand . . . a grand motherly, elderly woman. He
>approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
>me?"
>
>
>
>She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
>since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
>disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
>people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
>shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
>anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>
>
>
>The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
>the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
>
>She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
>a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He
>can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
>one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
>with three different women, one of them was your wife Yes, I know
him."
>
>
>The defense attorney almost died.
>
>The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in very
>quiet voice, said:
>"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your
>sorry asses in jail for contempt."
>
>

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office
>
>but she belonged to someone else.
>
>One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll
give
>you $1000. if you let me screw you."
>
>The girl said "NO."
>
>Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
>down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
>
>She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
>boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
>
>Her boyfriend says "ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he
>won't even be able to get his pants down."
>
>He agrees to the $2000. and she agrees and accepts the proposal.
>
>Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend
to
>call.
>
>Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
>
>She said "The bastard used coins"
>
>Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's
entirety
>before agreeing to it and getting screwed
>
>