A very very dry follow through?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrhoea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

& the best for last!

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten!


Now then - some of you ladies (maybe guys too, no sexism HERE!) may well have been on the receiving end of one or more of these....... DO TELL!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

These are all from a UK comedian named Peter Kay. He's English, but quite funny despite that slight handicap!! (Sorry all you English folk - just my wee joke, y'understand. It's the lack of nicotine y'know!)

Hope you like!


1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said “Thyroid problem?"

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
*
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
*
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
*
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
*
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
*
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From thereon it was sticks and stones all the way.
*
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
*
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
*
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My Neighbour*said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
*
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
*
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
*
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
*
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
*
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
*
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before
*
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
*
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
*
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
*
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
*
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
*
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
*
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
*
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
*
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
*
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half Way through and then raced against the flush.
*
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
*
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
*
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
*
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
*
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
*
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
*
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*
Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:
*
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when women get undressed?
*
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
*
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
*
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
*
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
*
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
*
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
*
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
*
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
*
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
*
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
*
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
*
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
*
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
*
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
*
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
*
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
*
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?*


DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

That's Baaaaaad WI!!

lmao...you forgot the easy clean-up.

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

^^^^^^^^funny!

THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a
download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said..............You've Got Male."

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Redneck Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm." A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand." The Redneck Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Knew She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. When She Knew All Had Noticed, The Redneck Woman Finally Said... "well, Will You Look At That, I'm Gettin' A Fax."

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug. Deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
>
>
>
>A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
>speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to
>listen.
>
>
>
>MAN: "Hello"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Yes"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
>only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Sure..go ahead if you like it that much."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
>models. I saw one I really liked."
>
>
>
>MAN: "How much?"
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "$60,000"
>
>
>
>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is
>back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>
>
>
>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
>
>
>
>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
>
>
>MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
>
>
>
>The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
>
>
>
>Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>
>
>
>

Subject: BLOND!


> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
> show
> > in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
> > starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
> >
> > Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
> > starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
> > What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
> > the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
> being?
> > It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
> work and
> > in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.
> Because
> > you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not
> only
> > blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
> >
> > The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
> yells,
>
> "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on
> your knee."
>

This one will quack you up

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.


The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from
head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!!



READY??



"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00.

BEER:

I don't understand. ----



After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

LOL @ DB.....too funny.