What Happens When You Get A Blonde Genie?


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's
dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.



One blonde genie says to the other one,

"I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me".

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers,

"Well, son, there're three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Here's an Irish story......
> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and
most of
>the night.
>Mick, the bartender, said to him, "You'll not be drinking any more
tonight,
>Paddy".
> Paddy replied "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then".
>
>Paddy spun around on his stool and stepped off. He fell flat on his
face.
>"Shoite" he said, and pulled himself up by the bar stool and dusted
himself
>off. He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face again.
>Shoite, Shoite!" He looked toward the doorway and thought to himself,
"If
>I can just get to the door and get some fresh air, I'll be fine." He
belly
>crawled to the door and shimmied up to the door frame. He stuck his
head
>outside and took a deep breath of fresh air. Immediately, he felt much
>better and took a step out onto the pavement. Plop. He fell flat on
his
>face again. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," Paddy said, wondering
what
>was wrong.
> He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled down
the
>street to the front door and shimmied up to the doorway. Then he
opened
>the door and wringled inside. He took a look up the stairs and said,
"No
>fockin' way". But finally, with great effort, he crawled up the
stairs to
>his bedroom door, and using the door frame to stand up, he decided, "I
can
>make it to the bed". He took a step into the room and fell flat on
his
>face.
>
>"Fock this," he said, "I gotta stop drinking," and fell into bed.
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, came into the bedroom carrying a
cup
>of coffee. She said to him, "Time to get up, Paddy. Did you have a
bit to
>drink last night?"
> Paddy replied, "That I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd
you
>know?"
>
> "Mick called......You left your wheelchair at the pub."
>

Lolol Slds!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
>
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him
he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the
cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and
his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
>
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
have milk in my cereal?"
>
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a
week you aren't getting any milk."
>
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen.
>
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned just before the phone rang.

The telephone repairperson proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly woman. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone did not ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairperson found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. Thus the dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current each time the phone number was dialed.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and consequently urinate on himself as well as the surrounding ground.

5. The wet ground completed the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring which of course demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Subject: New Hunting Dog
>>
>>
>>
>>Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my
>>Dog Out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't
>>any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
>>So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
>>Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks
>>out There."
>>Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
>>Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets
>>back He says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There
>>really Are Only two ducks out there!"
>>Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
>>want, You can get one from him, too."
>>So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
>>Friend Chester has.
>>The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out
>>and Look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's
>>mouth And Starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back
>>to the Breeder And Says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
>>The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when
>>he Sent The dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's
>>mouth and Started humping his leg.
>>The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there
>>are More fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

LMAO. That's funny! Thanks.

Subject: Intelligent People



Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. "The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, then says "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles and says "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."



Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Heheheheh

Subject: Once a flower . . . always a flower...


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so
darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as
she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan

Subject: Fwd: Virus warning




"Somethin' Like This..."
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes"delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!











HAVE A GOOD DAY!!

What is butt dust?
>>
>>
>>
>> These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this
>> creative!!
>>
>> JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
>> sister. After a while he
>> asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
>> milk?"
>>
>> MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
>> replied
>
>> she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you
>> don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
>> Mine say five to six."
>>
>> STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you
>> so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
>> window."
>>
>> BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She
>> tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
>> her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it
>> for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it
>> know it's me?
>>
>> SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
>> "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
>> cough."
>>
>> D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
>> much
>
>> do I cost?"
>>
>> MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
>> and kissing in a restaurant.
>> Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
>> "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
>>
>> CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
>> Mom
>
>> asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
>> happen
>
>> with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
>>
>> JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.
>> His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
>> out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
>> Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
>>
>> TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
>> rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
>> Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin
>> fit your face?
>>
>> The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this
>> particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
>> extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
>> "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that
>> moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to
>> me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom,
>> what
>
>> is butt dust?"
>>
>>
>>
>>

Butt Dust?




OMFGROFLMAOBBQ on a bicycle!

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.