I know, and enjoy Monkhouse.

Hard to go past the two Ronnies.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I thought you guys/gals might like this.





A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked
the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season
tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

(Hey, I work in this field....I'm allowed!)

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A wee bit far to go, just for a game!!

DM

Attached Images

Charades.jpg (44.1 KB, 78 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

But I can remember thinking this when I was married!!

DM

Attached Images

closeeyes5.jpg (73.9 KB, 76 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Guys, you really need to curb that right hand!!

DM

Attached Images

Oops!.jpg (123.0 KB, 79 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

In a lame effort to make up for "closeeyes"....... the perfect gift for the lady in your life?!?!

DM

Attached Images

MenKnifeBlock.jpg (20.5 KB, 75 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Sick, I know, but somehow quite amusing (I thought, anyway!)

DM

Attached Images

pumashirt.jpg (37.5 KB, 82 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

And I'll probably be in trouble again! Ho hum!

DM

/me wanders out of the thread, whistling innocently

Attached Images

Tough%5FDecision.jpg (15.7 KB, 83 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

That's cute, DM. Terrific.

DB

Two brooms were hanging in the closet. After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.



























"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

__________________
Eudaimonia

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says
she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An
Employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which
comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy To have had your
business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we Checked you out and found that you
are a millionairess. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"

The blonde replies...

Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.



**************************************************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over

Four hours.



**************************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she

took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.



He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.



So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a

Little harder, and still nothing happened.



Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"



The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.



The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



**************************************************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.



The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye

was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked

her to read the letters.



As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.



"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."



"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.



**************************************************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.



She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a

thermos. It keeps some things hot and some things cold"



"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"



So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.



"What do you have there?" he asked.



"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.



Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"



The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".



**************************************************

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.



The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf

balls".



Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

asked,



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"



*************************************************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy

her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply

adored her new phone.



The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie,"

he said, "how do you like your new phone?"



Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."



"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.



"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Apologies to all blonde Pixies.... I got it SENT to me, honest!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

INEXPENSIVE ALARM SYSTEM
> >
> > Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots --
> > a really big pair.
> >
> > Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and
Ammo"
> > magazine (you don't have to actually OWN guns, to do this).
> >
> > Put a dog dish beside it. A really BIG dog dish.
> >
> > Leave a note on your front door that says something like:
> >
> > "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition -- back in
½
>hr.
> > Don't disturb the Pit-Bulls; they've just been de-wormed."
> >
> > _

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."