Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house
together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She
put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs
"was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She started up the stairs and paused.
Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and
said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

On a slightly different note, here's one for PFfrom our local paper.

I'll get this attached yet!!!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Try2

Attached Images

frog.jpg.jpg (73.7 KB, 84 views)

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen





Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f*ck off and leave me alone.



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a brokenfanbeltandaflattyre.SPANFONTP



The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.



Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



Remember, no one is listening until you fart.



Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.



Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments



Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.



If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.



Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.



The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



A closed mouth gathers no feet.



There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.



Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.



Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse


The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.



Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.



DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Two cannibals kill a hunter in the jungle and they can't decide how to divide up the body.

They decide that one will begin eating the hunter from the head down and the other from the feet up.

The one struggles and struggles to eat the head and finally gets it down. He asks the other if he is enjoying the meal. To which the other replies "yeah I am having a ball!"

The one who had just finished eating the head then replies "SHIT YOU HAD BETTER SLOW DOWN!"

__________________
R.I.P.

DAM THE MAN!

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
>
>
>
> business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort
>
> with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd
>
> better buy her a little something to keep her occupied
>
> while he was gone.
>
>
>
> He went to a store that sold sex toys and started
>
> looking around for something special to please his wife
>
> and began talking to the old man behind the counter.
>
>
>
> He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
>
> we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
>
> but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
>weeks,
>
> "except," and he stopped.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Except what?" the man asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Nothing, nothing."
>
>
>
>
>
> "C'mon, plese tell me! I need something!"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
>
> is the Voodoo Penis."
>
>
>
>
>
> "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> The old man reached under the counter and pulled out
>
> a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols
>
> and erotic images. He opened it and there lay an
>
> ordinary looking dildo.
>
>
>
> The businessman laughed and said, "Big damn deal. It
>
> looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
>
>
>
> The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
>
> He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted
>
> over to the door and started pounding the keyhole.
>
> The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so
>
> that a crack began to form down the middle.
>
>
>
> Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo Penis, return
>
> to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box
>
> and lay there quiet once more.
>
>
>
> "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>
>
>
> The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
>dildo
>
> and that to use it all she had to do was say 'Voodoo Penis, my
>crotch'.
>
>
>
> After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny
>and
>
> remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and
>said,
>
> "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
>absolutely
>
> incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
>
>
>
> After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted
>and
>
> decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was
>stuck in her,
>
> still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it but, but nothing
>worked. Her husband
>
> had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
>
>
>
> Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
>help.She put her
>
> clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with
>every thrust of the dildo.
>
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve
>all over the road.
>
>
>
> A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
>asked for her license
>
> and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and
>twitching, she explained,
>
> "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
>this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
>
> in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
>
>
>
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in
>an arrogant voice replied,
>
> "Yeah, right..... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
>
>
>
> The rest is history

4 beer moguls meet in a bar.....

they sit down, chew the fat and the server comes over to take their order....

the head of Miller orders a Miller Lite

seeing this was ok, the head of Anheiser Busch orders a Bud....

The head of Coors obviously orders his own drink....a coors...

the server then turns to the head of Guinness and asks, "and you sir?"

he responds, "I'll have a soda please."

the others turn to him and ask why he's not having a drink with them?

And the head of Guinness answers, "well if you're not having a beer, then neither am I"

__________________
If someone offers a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny??

Don’t let the hardship of the past, take away from the joy of the present

A Pepsi salesman was visiting a tribe of cannibals hoping to make a sale.

"What do you like to drink with arms?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with arms," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with legs?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with legs," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with fingers?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with fingers," came the reply.

Then, almost bashfully, he asked, "And, er, what do you like with ... ah ... that male thing?"
"Me like Coke with cock," repled the chief.
Puzzled, the salesman asked, "Why Coke ... you liked Pepsi with arms, legs and fingers?"

"Because," the chief smiled, "THINGS GO BETTER WITH COKE."

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches
that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack.
After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on
to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died
of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the
sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the
lions' cage.

"Bloody bore!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

Mailman's Retirement

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
>
> A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
>looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
>on his gloves.
>
> "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
> "No, I don't" she replied
>
> "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank
>of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their
>hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes
>of the right size.
>
> " She didn't crack a smile.
>
> "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
>
> But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
>procedure, she burst out laughing.
>
> "What's so funny?" he asked.
>
> "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
>
> Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
>working .
>

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time
it's mayonnaise."

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid
yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Aye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."

A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that
thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's
no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fuckin' hunners o' them!"

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this....

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the city of Sydney drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Dave."

DJ: "Dave, are you married or what?"

Dave: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Dave: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Dave: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Dave?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Dave! Is she at work?"

Dave: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Dave! Stay with me here!"

Dave: "About 8 o'clockthis morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Dave: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would never have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Dave: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Dave: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Dave. Where was it at?"

Dave: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Dave: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Dave on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "Speaking."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Dave for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Dave knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of' 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Dave: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Dave, what the hell are you up to?"

Dave (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Dave's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Dave.... uh, this morning before Dave went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, DAVE!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Dave: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah..... Where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."


After a long pause, the DJ said,

"Folks, we need to take a station break".





If it ain't true.......... it should be!!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"







(hang on, it is worth it...)







The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

__________________
Eudaimonia

Man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to

his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000....

Woooohooo!!!!"

That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up,and brings it

into the car.

"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?", she asks.

Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "

"But what about the smell?", she says

"Hold its nose.", comes the reply

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with one of the finest looking pair of breasts I've ever seen was there so instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too.I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."




------------------------------------------------------------------------ --Phone Tale:

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run

upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."


***long pause***


***more pause****


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind