Loved it, Steph. :grin:

I liked this ...

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of irish father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance irish Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Confession was never that fun! :grin:

Love that sig, too, DB!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. She said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. She was so excited that she immediately shared her joy with her congregation and said she'd like to personally thank the member who placed the bill in the plate.

A quiet, elderly and saintly lady in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving invited her to pick out three hymns.

The old lady’s eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him...







and him...







and him."

__________________
Eudaimonia

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is ...

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

-----

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-----

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

-----

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-----

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

-----


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-----

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-----

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-----

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-----

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

-----

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

-----

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-----

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

-----

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

-----

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

-----

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-----

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-----

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had
to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Some of these are new (to me).

Haha! A few of these are great!


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is a hoot. Enjoy.
>
>
> If everyone went back to writing checks and requiring bills to be
>
> mailed to us most financial institutions would be ruined
>
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
>
> 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
>
> have it published in the New York Times.
>
>
>
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>
> endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>
> nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
>
> the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
>
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
>
> salary, an arrangement, which I admit, has been in place for only
>
> eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
>
> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
>
> inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>
> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
>
> whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when
>
> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
>
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
>
> become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>
> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
>
> no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
>
> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
>
> whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>
> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
>
> Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
>
> am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
>
> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
>
> alternative.
>
> Please note that, all copies of his or her medical history must be
>
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
>
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
>
> must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
>
> your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings
>
> with me.
>
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
>
> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
>
> my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
>
> level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
>
> buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>
> nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later
>
> date to the Authorized Contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
>
> be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>
> ! will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> (Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman)
>
> That A Girl!!!!!!!!!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.... You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.... You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But .....

Wait a minute....



Lookee here!!!

DM

Attached Images

Busted.jpg (129.2 KB, 92 views)

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

LOL, DM! That's terrific. :grin:

Today a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

No, I don't , said the little boy.

Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!!...

...It's a piece of ass!"

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was
nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Lol

[Just so you know, Asda is the UK arm of (Walmart) ]


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,
"My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies,
"there's a diagnostic computer at Asda, Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...A lot quicker and better
than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Asda.

He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity, It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled!

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never get better...Thank you for shopping at Asda.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind