A Bacon Tree?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Speek to me!"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

"Ees,










Ees,












"Ees, a Ham Bush!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

LOL at the ham bush

Another from the ex-

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face
up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for
a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane
still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I
dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the
coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my
mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!!!

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He
had narrowed it down to one of two people, Susan or Jack. It would
be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever
one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Susan came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
and the boss approached her and said, "Susan, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Susan replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven
Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope. "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey Turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey
screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
>Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence,
a
>22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at
>11:38p.m. on Friday.
>
>
>
>Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
>indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on
>Monday.
>
>
>
>The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided
>to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was
>no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
>stated in a phone interview.
>
>
>
>Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
>picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a
>hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
>really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>
>
>
>In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
>police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
>Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
>sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just
>working away at his pumpkin."
>
>
>
>Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
>"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
>are screwing a pumpkin?'
>
>
>
>"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
>looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it
>midnight already?'"

More Witty Words of Wisdom:

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot
other people in the eyes.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
for the rest of the day.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me"?

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

and the blond joke to end all blond jokes




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

OMG. ROTFLMAO. :grin:

you like blonde jokes, db? here's another
not as funny and i'm typing it from memory



a gorgeous blonde speeding down the highway is pulled over. a male officer walks up to the driver’s side window and asks for her license and registration.

“license? registration? but i have no idea what they are!” she says.

“your registration is a slip of paper with the vehicle’s information on it, ma’am, and it’s most likely in your glove box. your license is a square card with your picture, birth date and address on it and it’s most likely in your wallet.”

“oh wait! i’ve seen those before. i can find them.” she rummages around a bit and hands them over to the cop.

as the cop asks examines the documents, he asks, “ma’am, did you know you were going 90 in a 55?”

“no! what’s going to happen to me now?” she asks

“i’ll have to give you a ticket.”

“a ticket! what’s a ticket?” she cries.

the cop looks left and then right, shrugs and starts to unzip his fly.

“oh no,” she says, throwing up her hands, “not another breathalyzer!”

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?", she asks.

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!".

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up.
> A woman walked by and asked "What are you doing?"
>
> "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba,
"but we
>don't have a ladder."
>
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid
>the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
>measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
>
> Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde!
>We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
>

LOL ... that was cute.

Short ... but corny cute VVVV ...

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

... and, since I'm on the Sunday School kick ...

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"