OMG that^^^was sooooo funny. my daughter loved it! ty!

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.'

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

You are welcome.

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

Women, you're in good shape as long as you can
still touch your toes.
Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count!

------------------------------------------

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

---------------------------------------

Hee Hee Heee

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

Poem for women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Author Unknown

----------------------------------

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response.

If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

You're at a party. You've been drinking heavily and now you
are pretty drunk and need to use the facilities. You go down
the hall and open the door to this place.

Attached Images

cool_bathroom.jpg (31.6 KB, 374 views)

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

:bsex:

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter,
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before
midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach,
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful
businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

How to Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

" How To Shower Like A Man "

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light & fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
her
>to
>fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
that
>she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
>baby.
>The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The
babies
>are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to
>herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she
asks
>the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
>"Denise," the doctor answers.
>The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was
wrong
>about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the
doctor,
>"What's the boy's name?"
>The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Why We Love Children
>
>
>
>
> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but
>it was dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
>child innocently.
> You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
>and it didn't move."
>
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>
>
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>mischief,
> finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said,
> "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
>door
> until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
>out!'"
>
>
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
> a mother was tucking her son into bed.
> She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
>in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> "The big sissy"
>
>
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>children's
> sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
> as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
>microphone,
> "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
>
>
>
> 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
>year old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
> the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
>tummy."
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
>
>
> 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
> "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
>doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
>asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
>you teaching my son in math?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
>two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
>them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
>
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
>Chicken Little
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
>Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
> Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
>sky is falling!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class,
> "And what do you think that farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said,
> "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
> "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
>Sugarbrown."
> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
> "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>
>
>
> 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play
>with the boys?"
> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
>too rough."
> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
> "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>
>
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
>cut,
> eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're
>gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
>

OK! Enough spin doctoring and fake feel good e-mails? Are you tired of all those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that really speaks friendship;



1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.



2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.



4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.



5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.



6. When you are confused - I will use little words.



7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend.



Remember: A good friend will help you move... A really good friend will help you move a body!



Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS!

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

==============================

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)

==============================

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)

==============================

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

==============================

A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was featured
on "Oprah". (-15)

==============================

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-10,000)

==============================

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

==============================

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned _expression. (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)

__________________
A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
~~ Chinese Proverb