This guy walks into a bar. At one end is two drunks laughing at their own jokes, at the other is a poof (gay guy).
He notices that there is no stage, TAB, pokie machines or a juke box. Just tables and chairs. So he walks up to the bar and order's a beer and sit's down at a table. The poof get's up and sit's next to him.
"Hi how are you?"
"Yeah not bad." "
Ohh goody. Do you want to play football?"
The guy jumps up out of his chair and says "aussie rules fuck yeah!"
The poof says "no it's our own kind of football. you see we get two empty beer cans and put them on the table, you pull your pants down and fart. If you knock one over it's a behind, if you knock them both over it's a goal." Well he says "no thanks not into that."
Poof says "oh come on, you're here in a bar what's the worst that could happen."
So the poof get's two cans and put's them on the table and says
"well give it a go then."
So the guy drops his
daks and let's out a ripper.... Only one can falls over.
The poof get's excited
"oh a behind goody." He put's the
can back next to the other one.
"Have another go and see if you can get a goal"
So the guy drops his daks again and the poof comes up behind also with his daks down and get's behind him.
"what the fuck are you doing?!!!!"
"ohhh I'm smothering the kick."

__________________
My stories
An erotic story
The instructor and student
Secretary learns how to take a dicktation
The story of sister stephanie

A couple is in the delivery room.

Identical twins...the doctor exclaims!

What will you name the boys?

We'll call them Juan and Amal, say the proud parents.

The father takes out his camera and snaps some pictures to show his friends.

At the bar, the proud father tells everyone the good news.

He passes around a few pictures and someone asks, "Which baby is this"?

That's Juan, dad says.

May I see a picture of the other baby?

Dad says, "If you've seen Juan...you've seen Amal"!

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

OMG ... ROTFLMAO Lixy. That's great.

Here's a cute one (I think) ...

Subject: On the first day God created the dog.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:

"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
__________________________________________________ ____

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

DEAR DAD...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

__________________
~Tainted Love~

: Outhouse] > > > > > > > > >Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... > >"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" > > > >Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." > > > >Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." > > > >So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, > >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " > > > >Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" > > > >Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" > > > >Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." > > > >So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells > >back, "Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" > > > >Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" > > > >Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, > > >Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" > > > >To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!?"

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. They decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAM-PACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Jim wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jim is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he

got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jim had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jim sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned
and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a

note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:


"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating. Jim asks, "Son... what happened
last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waitior
me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $79.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins .38



Saying the right thing, at the right time . Priceless!!!

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a
religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men
to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But,
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi.
"It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own
wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we
finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi.

"Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"From behind with my wife on her knees?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot
oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a
bucket of honey and a sex video ?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

__________________
Shushhhhhhhhhhhhhh......Be werrrry werrry quiet.
I am hunting wabbits.....


Story posts
First Crossing
A Secret Untold
Aimee: The Transition
Don't know where to Start

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V 32 instead of a V 8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than 50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Sunday Morning Sex
>
>On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan
went
>straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
>grandmother and comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
>replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
>morning."
>
>Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people
>nearly 100 years old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
>advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
>church bells would
>start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
>slow and even.
>
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the
>Dong." She paused,
>wiped away a tear and then continued, "he'd be alive
>today if that damned
>ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

OMG! That's terrific sodaklostsoul!

Thanks DB...I get a lot of good ones in my email.

Got this in an e-mail and loved it (although it says something about my age )

It was fun being a baby boomer . . . till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash,I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harum -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson -- On the Throne Again

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour=Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

The young Hillbilly groom screeches his truck to a halt in front of his pappy's house the morning after his honeymoon. He slams the door and walks up to the front porch where his pappy is whittling in his rocker.

Pappy says, "Well, how'd it go last night boy?"

"I'm gonna have to leave her pa," he says, "she's a virgin"

"Well I don't blame ya boy," pa says, "if she ain't good enough for her own family then she sure tain't gud 'nough for ours!"