Life is all about ass; you're either covering it,
laughing it off, kicking it,
kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

The Fairy
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married >couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards. But Fairies are....................Female.

A Tazer Gun Story.....................
>>
>>
>>Dear Friends,
>>
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>>something akin to, hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
>>outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>>
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
>>I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
>>you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>>google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
>>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
>>out--way too cool!
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
>>and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
>>information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>>the face of her microwave.
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
>>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was
>>I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time?
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
>>than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>>to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>>burst from such
>>a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
>>is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
>>Don't ya hate that?)
>>
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>>in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
>>slammed me on the
>>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>>fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
>>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie
>>was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
>>one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
>>zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
>>if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>>thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
>>sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
>>triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
>>like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome
>>if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Just got this from my brother-in-law and thought it was cute. Hope it hasn't already been posted ...

----

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Here's another I received ...

----

BEAR IN A BAR

A BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR IN BILLINGS, MONTANA AND SITS DOWN. HE BANGS ON THE BAR WITH HIS PAW AND
DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER APPROACHES AND SAYS, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, BECOMING ANGRY, DEMANDS AGAIN THAT HE BE SERVED A BEER.

THE BARTENDER TELLS HIM AGAIN, MORE FORCEFULLY, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT BEARS IN BARS
IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, VERY ANGRY NOW, SAYS, "IF YOU DON'T SERVE ME A BEER, I'M GOING TO EAT THAT LADY SITTING AT
THE END OF THE BAR"

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR GOES TO THE END OF THE BAR, AND, AS PROMISED, EATS THE WOMAN. HE COMES BACK TO HIS SEAT
AND AGAIN DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER STATES, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BAR IN BILLINGS WHO
ARE ON DRUGS"

THE BEAR SAYS, "I'M NOT ON DRUGS."

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS..........)
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
THE BARTENDER SAYS, "YOU ARE NOW. THAT WAS A BARBITCHYOUATE."

7 reasons not to mess with a child


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

-----

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

-----

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-----

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then aid, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-----

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

-----

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

-----

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

Thanks for the laugh.

nearly peed myself readin the tazer one , will most def HAVE to show that to jeeping!!!

~nikki

__________________
Ravage Me!

Me Time
Long Lonley Night
Tied Up
Teased

http://thesmashedfairy.blogspot.com/

After having their 11th child, a Tn. Mountain couple decided 11 was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in the Tn. Mountains), light it, put
it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Alabama and parts of Mississippi.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Health & Fitness: The Facts.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans, another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets, and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

a guy boards a plane to find he has a row of seats to himself,but just before the door closes another guy with a dog gets on,and take the two seats,the dog owner then say's i'm an airline employee and the dog is a snifer,after take off i'll show you how he works,once in the air the dog is set to work,he walks up the aisle for a few rows then returns and sits by the handler and taps the handlers leg twice,the handler takes out a note pad and begins to write,the passenger ask's what it's all about and the handler replies there is a lady two rows back with crack in her purse,the handler set's the dog off again,after a while the dog is back,sit's be side the handler and yaps five times,the handler makes a note and explains there is a passenger five rows back with cocaine,again a note is made and the dog set's off a third time,soon the dog comes rushing back,jumps up onto the seat and procedes
to crap all over it,the passenger is not impressed,what made him do that he ask's the handler,who replies with a white face 'He smelt a BOMB"

__________________
you can alway's tell a limey,But Not Much


I'm so miserable with out you,

It's almost like having you here

Night out with the girls....
> >
> > The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
> > husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> >
> > Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
> > a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
> >
> > Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
> > cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly
> > cuckooed another 9 times.
> > I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> > solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
> > conflict with him.
> >
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> > "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
> > one!
> >
> > Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> >
> > When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
> > times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
> > cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
> > over the coffee table and farted."

Popular Brands Of Condoms


Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.
Verizon Wireless: We never stop working for you.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Tricky Mother
>
> "Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who
> lives with a female roommate Vikki...
>
> During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice
> how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
> relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
> she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his
roommate
> than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
> know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just
> roommates."
>
> About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since
your
> mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
> You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
>
> "Well, I ! doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So
he
> sat down and wrote:
>
> (This is cute)..........
> Dear Mama,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my
house,
> I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that
it
> has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
> Love,
> Anthony
>
> Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his
> Mama, which read:
>
> Dear Son,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying
> that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she
were
> sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
>
> Love,
> Mama
>
> Lesson of the day:
>
> Don't Lie to Your Mother
>