Snappy Answer #1

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #2

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #3

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that read slow bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #4 - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

*SNAP*

You're Getting Old When...

~You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

~Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

~Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

~A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

~Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice Belt.

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

Ow ^^^^


Did you hear the giant has the runs?


It's all over town.

A friend sent me these and I thought they were cute ... hmmm ... and maybe true too.

1. I was thinking about how the status symbol of today are those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belts. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

2. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

3. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

4. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

5. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

6. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

7. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

9. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor! (Not a bad idea!)

10. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

11. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

A young man was preparing to take a cart full of groceries to the parking lot for a beautiful young lady. As they exited the store the lady looking at the fine young man whispered to him: " i have an itchy ****y". To which he replied: " Maam, you'll have to point it out, because all foreign cars look the same to me.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female. .
. . . Any part under a car's hood.

Male...
. . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...
. . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male. . . . .
... . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female. . . . .
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male. . . .
. . . Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female. . . . .
... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male. . .
. . . Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. v.
Female.. .
. . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male. . . . .
. . Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female. . . . .
. . . An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male. . . .
. . . A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female. . . .
. . .. The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male. . .
. . . . Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female. . .
. . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male. . .
. . . . . A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

One day, a rabbit is bounding along when he sees a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says to the giraffe "Put that down, come running through the forest with me, it's much more fun!" The giraffe puts the joint aside and follows the rabbit into the forest.

Later, the rabbit sees an elephant chopping a line of coke. The rabbit says "Oh elephant, think of your health! Come running through the forest with me!" The elephant puts down his razor and mirror and dutifully follows the rabbit as best he can.

This time, the rabbit sees a lion about to shoot up. He asks the lion to come running through the forest with him, but the lion attacks the rabbit and savagely kills him, tearing the poor rabbit to shreds. A tiger asks the lion "What did you do that for?" and the lion responds "Every time that little fucking rabbit takes ecstasy he makes me run after him through the forest like an arsehole".

__________________
I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news, " says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man.

"My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant. " "Go for it doc" says the man. "Just as long as I can play golf again. " The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved. " "That's great, " said the surgeon.

"Not only that, " continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. " "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem, " said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache. "

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.

The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her.

Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!! .

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

This one is for our Aussie friends


A koala walks into a whorehouse. Not being able to talk he flips through a dictionary till he finds what he is looking for. The koala goes to a woman at the bar and shows her a word in the dictionary: prostitute - does sexual favors for money. The woman nods and they go into a room.

When they are about to get to it the koala insists on giving head to the hooker. Well, she doesn't mind it and the koala turns out to be very good in it. The koala does his stuff and takes off.
When he is getting out of the door he is stopped by the hooker. Not so fast fellow you didn't pay yet, says the hooker.

The koala gets the dictionary again and points a word: koala - eats bushes and leaves.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world would you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat .

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices,
out of the corner of his eye, a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door"

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup,
then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:


GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT SINNER!