dm383,

Oh. Well.

In that case...











Good One!

__________________
Eudaimonia

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she would wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck. Sure enough, a snow plow soon passed by, and she started to follow it.


After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.


The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Target next.



(True to my word....... this one's all PF's fault!! )

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum,
sat down next to him. Paddy politely ignored the englishman
who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and said
"Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"

Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied
"Of course".

The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In England we only eat whats inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants
and sell them to Ireland".

The Englishman had a smirk on his face. Paddy listened in silence.

The Englishman persisted.
"Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, Paddy replied
"Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said,
"We don't. In England we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."

Paddy then asked "Do you have sex in England?"

The Englishman smiled and said,
"Why of course we do."

Paddy leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course."

Now it was Paddys turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England.






Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?!!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says.

"My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"Well, you see Doc, it's this; every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.........."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

An 80 year-old man who was an avid golfer moved to a
new town and joined the local country club. He went to
the club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't
anybody he could play with because they were already out
on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would
play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for
a bet. The 80 year-old said,”I really don't need any strokes
as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem is
getting out of sand traps." And he did play well.
Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had
a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a
par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot
landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the
bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled
into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked
over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in
the trap. He said,”Nice shot, but I thought you said you have
a problem getting out of sand traps?" "I do," replied the old man.
"Please give me a hand."

__________________
Susan

ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

_____

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

_____

WARNING:

The crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

__________________
Susan

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

__________________
Eudaimonia

Cajun joke

Early one morning, Tee Jean was walking along the bank of Bayou Que de Tortue behind his house. All of a sudden, he noticed that the family outhouse, located right on the bank, was tilting dangerously toward the bayou; the heavy downpour from the previous night had serious eroded the bank where the outhouse was located. Being a boy (and a pretty canaille one at that) and reasoning that the outhouse was beyond salvage, Tee Jean picked up a big stick and whacked the outhouse - really peléed it - and watched as the outhouse toppled over, fell into the bayou, and quickly sank under the muddy waters. A few hours later, Tee Jean's father came up to him and with anger in his voice asked, "Tee Jean, did you knock that outhouse into the bayou?" "Papa," the boy answered, "like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. I did it." "Mais, Tee Jean, come with me maintenant to the woodshed. You are going to get the whipping of your life!" Tee Jean was shocked by this turn of events and said, "Papa, when George Washington told his papa that he had chopped down the cherry tree, his papa didn't give him a whipping." "Mais no, Tee Jean," said his father, "but George Washington's papa wasn't in that cherry tree when he cut it down, either."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

The missing frame #227 has ben located from the tape

taken at the Bowl.

It was a miserable attempt to cover up what we all knew deep down.

Attached Images

scary[1].jpg (43.9 KB, 240 views)

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Almost the way I heard it, Bardog.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Does anyone remember these days?

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."



(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

__________________
--------
"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind."
Nora Ephron

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!"
Drew Carey

Got this from a friend today ...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

NO!" the children all answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, New York, or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

__________________
Eudaimonia

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd