One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

__________________

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone...
It was the minister calling,
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, She's hitting the bottle. '



MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'



POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'
It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?



ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)



SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

More nudity (4)

__________________

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

That's okay ... I didn't see that one coming either.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they'd have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need.

In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they'd drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older.

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom

Here you go:

Attached Images

ForeverWish.jpg (138.8 KB, 416 views)

__________________
On the kinkometer, my kink measures as a sine wave.

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.."

Louisiana

A Louisiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-10. Walking up to the driver's window,

the trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Tennessee

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

PairedLife»Love

25 Favorite Quotes on Sex, Love, and Marriage

https://pairedlife.com/love/Sex-Lov...age-Men-Women-2

We're all interested in it, we all talk about it, we all feel awkward at times about it.... why not laugh about it? Here's some of my favorite quotations about sex and love.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. -- George Carliin

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. -- Albert Einstein

I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading -- Anonymous

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker -- Woody Allen

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.—Billy Crystal

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always –- Rita Rudner

A man's only as old as the woman he feels – Groucho Marx

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. – Gore Vidal

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own -- Woody Allen

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. --- Shirley MacLaine

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands --Jacques Languirand

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.— Mae West

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.--- Richard Lewis

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. – Ben Franklin

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress – Steve Martin

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed – George Burns

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. – Milton Berle

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. – Roseanne Barr

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on – Marilyn Monroe

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.-- Mignon McLaughlin

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. ---Charles M Schulz

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

__________________

When A Man Becomes Rich
He Becomes Naughty

When A Woman Becomes Naughty.
She Becomes Rich…

Swimming Is Prohibited

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.

Lady: then why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?

Officer: well, that’s not prohibited.

Define Biology and Sociology?
.
.
.
If new born baby looks like his father it is biology,

if he looks like his neighbor it is called sociology

Hope you know Ole as well as I do.

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, sure, ya, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says.

''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."

“Okay, Ole, we’ll just fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I known da Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd heading toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'