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She Was Soooooo Blonde

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm* sleeping with a 77-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

truer than we want to talk about.

__________________

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a
call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the
work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.*

Helloooo! just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him* just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...

... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Well, it's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.*** I bet he felt like an idiot.

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died.


Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance; to find
a wife to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may
look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.



Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

__________________

^^^^

A Soviet scientist came to England for a visit. On the evening of his first day in England, he went to a restaurant. A waiter approached him and said, “Sir, here is a note for you.”

“From whom?”

“The table at the window.”

“But there’s nobody at that table.”

“Right. They gave me this note and left.”

The note was in English. “Translate it,” the guest said. The waiter read the note, his face became pale and he said, “Sir, it’s an ultimatum. You have just five minutes to leave. Please, leave at once.”

The scientist paid hastily and left. He returned to his hotel and asked the man at the front desk to translate for him the note. The man read it, his face displayed fear, and he said, “Please, Sir, you must leave our hotel at once! Hurry, please!”

The scientist hurriedly collected his belongings and left. In the street, he approached a bobby and asked to translate the note. The policeman read it, opened his mouth, and then said, “I am sorry, Sir, you must leave England immediately. Please, don’t argue, you have just a few hours to leave the country.”

Frightened, the scientist rushed to the nearest port, purchased a ticket, and boarded a ship bound for Russia.

When in the open sea, he made acquaintance with the captain who knew English. The scientist showed the note and asked to translate it. The Captain became pale. He changed the course of the ship, headed to an uninhabited island and told the scientist to leave the ship at once.

On the island, the scientist encountered numerous hardships, and barely survived until, three years later, another ship came by accident and took him aboard. He returned to Leningrad, where he enrolled in the University to study English. After a while, already capable of understanding English, he remembered about the mysterious note, and found it on the bottom of a drawer. All characters on the note turned out to be obliterated by rain.

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

“Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?”

“Yes, I do a little.”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”

“If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes, a little.”

“Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”

“Then I shall cease drinking.”

“Comrade Ivanov, what about women?”

“A little….”

“Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”

“If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”

“Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?”

“Of course. Who needs such a life?”

HA HA ^^^
but........... I have to come back to the Soviet Scientist.

__________________

When God sends help, don't ask questions.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."


She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.


She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man."

"I just got out of prison last week; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

__________________

A professional!! I love it! PF, you have a great day!

What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.