Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.*** When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.

Good points DB, but why did you post that on the 'Jokes' page?

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Would a fitting reply be ... I forget?

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I've heard of that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

__________________
Eudaimonia

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jseal..... good one .... lol

Thanks!

A paraprosdokian - is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:** (Some familiar ones, but lots of new ones, too!)


1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice — I'm not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

THE PREACHER AND THE MUSIC DIRECTOR

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song, "I Shall not be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Moral of the Story is?

Okay, for my third joke of the day ...


Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly.

Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it.

There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine.

There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GET WET!!!

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Phyllis Diller Quotes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.*
*
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?*
*
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.*-

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
*
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.*

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.*
*
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.*

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.*
*
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.**
*
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.*

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.*

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.*
*
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.*
*
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -* keep away from children.*

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.*

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
*
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
*
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.* I can't stand to see a man crying."
*
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.* I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."
*
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!* But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Give that biker a Darwin Award!

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Eudaimonia