^^^^

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer, the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Now wait." responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."

The sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"

The sailor counters with "But we had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "Granted, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women!"

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Eudaimonia

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

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Woot!

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Eudaimonia

Love it, PF!

A mom revealed a conversation she had with her daughter.

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and then her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Madeline' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken, no yoke!

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now", and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, And pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.

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Eudaimonia

LOL! Love it!

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Joy of getting older: If I do something stupid, I won't remember long enough to stay embarrassed

great ones db!

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley .”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, “There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

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A man on a plane had just sat down and he looked up and saw the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen walking down the aisle toward him.

She sat beside him. Trying to strike up a conversation he asked her
what she was doing.

She said, "Actually I am headed to a meeting where I am the speaker."

He asked what kind of meeting it was.

She said it is a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

He about swallowed his tongue as he thought, "I am sitting by the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she is talking about that."

She said, "Actually I speak about my own personal experiences. You may be surprised but most think black guys are the best but really it is the American Indian. And most think that French men are the best lovers but I have found it is the Spanish. And the ones who have the most stamina are the redneck guys." She said, "I feel so silly telling you all this and I don't even
know your name."

He said, "My name is Tonto Gonzalez but most people call me Bubba."