Well said, DB.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

DB, how come you're welcome into OldFarts head and I'm not?

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We've been in each other's heads for 15 years now. Forgetter working better than the rememberer?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is Mr. Smith of the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will!"

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Eudaimonia

Ah, yes, the power of persuasion is a wonderful thing.

A man owned a small farm in Vermont. The IRS determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded the investigator.

“Well", replied the farmer, "there's my farmhand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

“Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

“That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the IRS agent.

“That would be me," replied the farmer.

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Eudaimonia

Love it, jseal! Cute!

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife, tears welling in her eyes, said, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

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Eudaimonia

When was the funeral?

LOL!

A drunkard is stumbling through the woods, three sheets to the wind, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He stumbles into the water, eventually bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol!

He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

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Eudaimonia

Cute.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL …

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

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I can relate.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating