Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog.

She sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said: "Elegant lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."

The frog continued, "One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can
marry and set up housekeeping in your castle."

"You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and
forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't friggin think so."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of
her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it's well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn't come by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He's there, an old man comes up to the gates.

"Welcome to heaven" says Jesus, "tell me a bit about yourself."

"Well," says the old man, "when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him..." Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

"Father?" he asked.

The old man stared back. "Pinnochio?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "Now what?" responds the patron? "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

According to a news report, a private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces
in the bathroom. That was fine. But after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of lip
prints in a great variety of colors.
Every night, the maintenance man would clean them off, but the
next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided
that enough was enough and something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Ever since then, no more
lip prints have been left on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then, there are educators ............

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn . and into the hole he gooooes.”

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

Dear Cats,

We need to talk.

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with

each other so there are still two cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.

I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat’s butt.

I cannot stress this enough.

It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely,

I just live here.

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

A minister was looking for a way to spice up his sermons. He walked into a pet store where a parrot was on sale. He asked the proprietor what was special about the parrot. The proprietor replied that the parrot could light matches. The minister thought this was a terrific idea and bought the parrot.

He planned his next homily to take advantage of the parrots's talent. At a particular point in the sermon, the parrot would light the matches and drop them over the congregation, getting their complete attention.

Sunday comes and the minister is in full throttle. He comes to the point of his sermon where the parrot is supposed to do his thing. He waves his hands and shouts
"And the fires came down from heaven" Nothing happens

He repeats
"And the fires came down from heaven" Again, nothing happens

He tries a third time
"And the fires came down from heaven"

And from up in the rafters a voice replies "And the cat pee'd on the matches"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI guys - cumin is a spice)
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

__________________
Eudaimonia

George W Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

"The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

"Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen? "

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time, and one blonde with big breasts.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smart-ass?! I told you no one would worry about 140 million Iraqis!"

Arrested at Kennedy Airport Today

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y" and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

*GROANS*

They're so bad, they're Good!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."