There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his mum
was watching him. The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth, grabbed the cat and bit it. He then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step. His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him. "I'm playing truckers." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin' on."

Dear Abby

I have been engaged for almost a year.
I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very
attractive but really
great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown
a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would
be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with
me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that
I knew where the
front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good
kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, "Was that you talking ?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the Seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly.

And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot.

Can you see the balance?"

"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby league, tennis and golf players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whingeing, sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something with a Christmas flavour.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"Easy," he grins, "They're Carol's."

Important Christmas Tradition Background......

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for all the overtime that they had worked while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute"!

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe
but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he
decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing
up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
wondering if either one of you would like that."Well,
Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort
of thing a man should be able to do.

Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed
him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He
whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write
his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the
while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said
to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you
can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Multiple Orgasms" God said

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip
to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all
the different kinds of animals on the farm.

The farmer asks one little girl,
"What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then he asked another little girl, "What's
the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are
what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks Little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do," replied Little Johnny, "Bulls smile when you milk them."

An old man was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

It's a sunny morning in the Old Forest and the Bear family
are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in
his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

TWENTY-THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed
that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal
injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended
up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of
the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20
miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire
as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very
large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to
the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was
making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast
stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he
extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay
to get out of bed. This article was taken from the California
Examiner, March 20, 1998.

Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse . . .
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.