A few I was sent. I deleted ones I knew were repeats.



Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!



A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, 'Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

GREAT PICKUP LINES

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Wow......just wow.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign....

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.

Did I tell you about the newlyweds who waited up all night for their sexual relations to arrive?

No?

Thought not.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.




Ain't that the truth !!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

The Haircut

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,

but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:-

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

-----

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)


"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

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----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating