It is a repeat, but then again I've never been known to repeat myself.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

You haven't?

You haven't??

There are two sides to every story.

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.
And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull.....


MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these frigging candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

SMART ASS ANSWER #1

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.
"A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy,
"A'd imagine she'll be in white"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to
religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I’ve converted
to Islam and we're stoning the bitch in the morning !


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . ..so I
did . . . . she's 21 and her name's Angela.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking — And then I saw her face . . . .


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of strike anywhere matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and gave her one right there ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too happy about it in WalMart either!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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Eudaimonia

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.


He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.



"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."



Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.

Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.

Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.



The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)






"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

There's a sucker born every minute.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Are they all named Monica?

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

They can be, if you really want.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating