My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters strongly objected saying: "Last year we shot two and the pilot let us take them both...and he had the exact same airplane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan: "Any idea where we are?"

Stan replied: "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

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Duh.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

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Eudaimonia

I must say, the child has a point.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I don't have her picture, but here's what she said,

"Let me get this straight . . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't,

Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,

written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it,

and signed by a President who smokes,

with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect,

by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,

all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?' "

^^^^ Come to think of it, maybe that's not a joke.

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sitting on the front porch drinking beer
when a truck hauling rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Got this from my brother-in-law in Texas (near Dallas/Ft. Worth and thought you might enjoy ...

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Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth,
Sort of a summer home,
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas,
A place both wretched and rough,
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall,
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear,
The climate suited them well.
Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.
Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would.
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow,
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell."

Thanks, Scarecrow for this one ...

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Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.



When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

Thanks Scarecrow.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I would like to share with you all an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving.
As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before.
Well I for one have done something about it.
The other night I was out for dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Having had a few too many wines and knowing full well I was struggling, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating