And he was a handsome lad.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, " Fucked if I know, I've never got this far before"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

LOL. Good one.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however,

the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough

so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A truckie who had been out on the road for three weeks stopped

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walked straight up to the Madam, dropped down $500 and said,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam was astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. '

The truckie replied, 'I'm not horny . . . . .......... I'm homesick.'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Lol.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

A tough, really-tough biker was riding his Harley across the Golden Gate Bridge, when he saw a girl about to jump off. He stopped.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, could you . . . well, you know, give me a kiss?"

So, she did and it was a doozy of a kiss -- warm, sensitive, loving and gentle, that actually left the guy glassy-eyed and slightly disoriented.

Afterward, jaw hanging open, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever gotten in my whole life! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous! Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^^ Oops!

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Houston, Texas, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweiser drafts, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to Australia next month," says John. "We go there every year, rent a car and drive for days. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, good old Oz!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The outback, the beer, the barbies, the babes, the mates..."

"Nah, we don't like that Aussie crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Buds, that's us, ain’t it Jim?
And we don’t care for the Aussies-- they're so vulgar and arrogant, and they shorten every word."

"So why keep going there?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Ba Dum Ching

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.