Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

An 84-year old lady just got married for the fourth time to a funeral director. After the ceremony the minister asked her about her first three husbands.

"Well, the first was a banker ... very well off. And, the second was a performer and a good one, he used to practice his routine all the time. The third guy was a minister and, of course, my latest is a funeral director."

"Interesting," replied the minister. "What made you marry men of such widely divergent professions?"

"Well," said the lady, "It was one for the money and two for the show with three to get ready and four to go."

Wrong Truck
Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said: "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy, or a girl." answered the hitch-hiker. "Don't matter, I'm gonna screw ya anyway."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged himand said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on... take a guess!

Think about it!

You're going to love this!




Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Just in case you need a laugh (some sounded familar, but they're worth reading again):

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

A dad and mom had a son but the poor little boy was born with no torso, or arms or legs ... just a head. Obviously, the little guy couldn't do much, but his dad tried to be a loving father and one day, when his son turned 21, he decided he'd take him down to the local bar and get him his first drink.

So, tucking his son's head under his arms, he made the trek to the bar and ordered a drink for his son. When he got the drink, he gave his son his first taste of alcohol and ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... all of a sudden a torso appeared. Startled, the other patrons saw what happened and burst into a round of applause.

The dad, equally dumfounded gave his son anoither drink and ... again ... WHIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH, out spang the boys arms. The patrons all rose to their feet and applauded wildly at this miracle. The father, too was totally awe struck. He decided to give his boy the rest of the drink even though his son was now getting pretty tipsy. After all, it was his very first drink. Still, he took the glass in his new hands and downed what was left.

WHIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHHH ... two legs appeared almost by magic. The bar went wild with people clapping and cheering and celebrating this wonderful turn of events. The dad, totally thrilled by what had happened, helped his son to his feet. Obviously, with the drinks and the new legs, his son was at first pretty unsteady, but, in a little bit he kind of got himself together and told his dad he was just going to step outside to see how that felt.

He stepped out the door and accidently stepped off the curb when a truck came speeding up and hit the poor boy doing him in.

The father was grief stricken. The bartender came up and put his hand on the dad's shoulder and absent mindedly said, "I knew he should have stopped while he was a head."

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"No way, not a chance, it's 3:00 in the morning!" says the husband. He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory, remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

__________________

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood
, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

__________________

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum...

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Amazing what skipping a few words can do isn't it?

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating