I have watched that performance once or twice.

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Eudaimonia

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

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Eudaimonia

Gumbint and How Gubmint Works


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY..... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2010 -- 33 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

HELLO! Anybody Home?

Lub dat Gumbint.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I find that quite amusing. Especially since I did not vote for this administration.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The young man took his blonde girlfriend to see her first American football game. After the game he asked her, "Well, did you enjoy the game?"

"Yes, very much," she replied. "Although I don't know why they try so hard to kill each other for a mere 25 cents."

Bewildered by her comment he asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Well," she said, "before the game they flipped the quarter and all through the rest of the game the fans kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

this joke is better verbally but what the heck



One the first day of the school year, the new third grade teacher is taking attendance. Reaching the f's she sees the name Fuckhour, Johnny. SHe calls his name Fuckhour, john and he replies present. "Now Johnny "she says "this can't be your real last name it is a joke, tell me your last name. "
Little Johnny replies " No Miss Jones it isn't a joke that is me real last name"
"Johnny do not lie to me or you will get detention !"
" Miss Jones that is my real name,my brother dave is the the fifth grade, you can check if you don't believe me."
After class Miss Jones is in the teacher's lounge and meets the fifth grade teacher Miss Smith.After explain about little Johnny's prank on her she asks " Miss SMith" she says " do you have a Fuckhour in your class ?" To which she responds " Hell no we don't even get a coffee break !"

^^^^ Cute

At the end of their long, intense Catholic education, Sister Beatrice called the girls to assembly one last time.

"And finally girls, society judges harshly any sign of moral laxity. Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime's regret?"

A little voice drifted up from the back of the hall, "Please Sister, how do you make it last an hour?"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"