>
> I had lunch
> with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
> mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were
> chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
> by
> wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
> notes.
>
> Here's how it all went.
>
>
> My engaged
> friend:
> The other night when
> my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice,
> tall
> stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my
> dreams. I love you' and we made love all night
> long.”
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at
> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a
> raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he
> didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
> night.
>
> Then I shared
> my story:
> When my husband
> came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
> stilettos
> and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me
> he said, “What's for dinner,
> Batman?”

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

A skinny little
white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big
guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little
guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big guy says:
"I saw your curious look and
figured I'd give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me
I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20
inch private, my
testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Sweet
Jesus, I thought you said,
Turnaround."

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

Bitchin'.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles supermarket.

The husband goes into the liquor area and picks up a slab of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies..

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down, we have a husband down!'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Two Saudis boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine on temporary duty orders sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,

"Why does it have to be this way?

"How long must this go on?

"This fighting between our nations?

"This hatred? This animosity?

"This spitting in shoes




















... and pissing in cokes?'

__________________
Eudaimonia

(Sing It!)

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

__________________
Eudaimonia

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Great Writer "There was once a young man, in his youth, his desire was to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages..........

__________________
viral video

Widdle Wabbit



A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Lmao!

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

That's both amusing and cute.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I thought these were cute.

----------

Murphy’s Sex Laws

1. There is no remedy for sex, except more sex.

2. Sex has no calories.

3. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

4. The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

5. Nothing improves with age.

6. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

7. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty – only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

23. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

24. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

25. There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex. But there’s nothing exactly like sex.

26. Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.

27. If the efforts that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon.

28. Love is a matter of Chemistry; sex is a matter of Physics.

29. Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey its full meaning.

30. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

31. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

32. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

33. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

34. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.

35. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

36. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

37. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

38. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

39. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn’t love her.

40. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

41. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

42. Love comes in spurts.

43. The world does not revolve on an axis.

44. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

45. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

46. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

47. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool, when they fall in love.

48. Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

49. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Yep.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".