Good date gone bad.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

She's VERY glad to see him.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas...

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball
and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well,Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:
"All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football"
John Heisman

I like a few of those. Like the "Lads, you're only to miss practice if your parents died, or you died" and "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football."

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Number 2000 for the thread.



I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Euros.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat Euro fo Yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Old Rabbi Moiskovitch was due to retire. His wife, to get together a truly memorable gift for his retirement, went to the local leather worker
with a jar containing every foreskin the Rabbi had ever removed. The leatherworker said he’d think of something.

The following week she went back to him to see how the work was coming along. He reached under the counter and pulled out the most wonderful wallet
tanned and inscribed with Talmudic texts and pictures. Mrs Moiskovitch was greatly impressed, then on reflection said, “It’s really good, but is this all I get for
a half century’s circumcisions? It’s really quite small.”

“Small?” he replied. “Give it a rub and you’ve got yourself a suitcase.”

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
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Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Always goodies.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An Irishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The Irishman replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

In Oz, we'd tell that as a Kiwi joke.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

That reminds me of the guy who came home from a round of golf and his wife asked him how he did.

"Well, it was going pretty well until the fifth hole, then, ol' George had a heart attack and keeled over. After that, things went from bad to worse. It was hit the ball and drag George, hit the ball and drag George."

I heard he was a drag.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating