Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage ... along with a recipe.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

I'm NOT laughing at those....... I'm NOT!!


*snigger*


DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blond and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

__________________
Eudaimonia

Q. What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No,you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!

__________________
Eudaimonia

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated






... are you ready for this? ....







"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Saw this and it reminded me of a cartoon i have ...

Attached Images

doughnuts.jpg (44.5 KB, 292 views)

__________________
To know that you do not know is the best.
To pretend to know when you do not know is a disease.
Lao-tzu


I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Sir Winston Churchill

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche

JUST FRED

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing!!

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Hormone Hostage...

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant
other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Thanks Steph.
I've already put it in my wallet.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

LMFAO @ Hormone Hostage

Good one! Might print that up an pass it around to my guy friends *Laffs*.

__________________
~*Larky*~

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

__________________
Eudaimonia

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind