Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

"Vegetarian: Old Indian Word for 'Bad Hunter'"

__________________

At my age I can't keep up. Anything I learn will be obsolete before I can apply it.


(Thought this was funny however it really hits pretty close to home for most of us.)

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me abreak. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this thing. His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair' look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked ove r the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to
his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad."

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter an d Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Jill, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I Check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Have a nice weekend

__________________

Yes.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.



It's opened by a twelve year-old boy who has a cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Playboy Magazine tucked under his arm.



Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"



The little boy responds: "What the fuck do you think!"

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'


'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'


'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.


She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

______________

Reporter interviewing an elderly woman asked, 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'


She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

_______________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, tTake 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia & poor circulation. Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

_________________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

__________________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

__________________

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

__________________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

__________________


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'



The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance'.

__________________

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up
outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed
the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and
took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT
my Flight Instructor?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I apologise in advance for this one.









Mexican Words O f The Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.


The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless started up
conversation.


The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the
whole bread?


The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course".


The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia ."


The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence!


The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"


Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."


Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Australia ."


The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"


The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."


The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"


"We throw them away of course." replied the American.


Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't in Australia !


We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States .....that's why its called Wrigley's."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Pixies, deal with caution.

Attached Images

Nightmare.JPG (20.4 KB, 82 views)

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

^^^^

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I LOVE IT!