Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Babara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

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it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Well said.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

THIS IS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE TASTE.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning
and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Mourning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

---------------------------------------------------


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me,

pass the parcel was quick!!!

------------------------------------------------------

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,

"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says,

"You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies,

"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse", but you said,

"fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


--------------------------------------------------

I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

--------------------------------------------------


I went to see the nurse this morning for my
annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine
you!"

-----------------------------------------------------

I was walking down the road when I saw an
Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,

What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

-----------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend and I were having sex the
other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the arse, pulled out, and
came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


-----------------------------------------------------


A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat
Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch."

-----------------------------------------------------

Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.

Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a
shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing again.

The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy says it again.

The black guy is royally pissed off by now.

He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same

thing to you and you can see how it feels."

The black guy storms out and the Chinese
guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells,

"Gimmie a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"

---------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

OF, those are horrible, racist, stereotypical, perverse, and absolutely wonderful jokes. LMAO. Just the thing to read after a hard day at work.

Now for one that was sent to my via text:

This guy had a girlfriend who after sex loved to stroke his balls. One day he finally asked her why. She smiled at him and said, "Because I miss mine."

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

ok........ donning my flame proof garters..... these are awful, horrid, and in poor taste. LordSnow, his father and I found them pretty funny!




Farrah Fawcett reached the pearly gates and Gabriel greeted her. Saying he was a big fan of her work he said he would like to grant her a wish. "I wish for all the children in the world to be safe." was her only reply. and Gabriel said "Done!"






Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with HIM for a change.



Do I think he did it? honestly thats between him and his higher power. these are jokes. be entertained, or ignore it.
>hides<

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-Seems we got here just in the nick of time. Whats that make us?
--Big damn heros Sir.
-Ain't we just.

Almost ashamed of myself for laughing at all those.


Almost...

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT WOMAN
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately got up and moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came to court. The judge asked the man, (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will Reduce the Swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT you Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...." I just lost it"

CASE DISMISSED

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

The mystery dollar
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!
remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.

Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.
They each got back $1.00 in change. That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00. The pizza delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the hell is that other dollar?

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

A riddle for the intellectually minded.


At the exact same time, there are two young men (20 years old)
on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers

The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>

Answer:



Don't look down!!!!

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to Learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.

Your Husband


When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

Guess what I am????

THIS TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF <8> INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.


WHAT AM I???????



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........










































TOOTHBRUSH......... :-)))))

what were you thinking you pervert!!!

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

I heard they are going to send Michael to Lego. He has enough plastic in him they can make blocks, then little boys can play with him for a change.

__________________

PF, look a few posts up. Bama beat you to that one a few days ago. I still find it funny though.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

I see.

I knew those jokes would come, but not that quick. I thought I was hearing the first one...... or they been written and just waiting. LOL

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