A plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly
the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hi-
jacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says,
"Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the
copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the copilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside
and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he
could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the
gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and
says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys
have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the
gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers
something into the hijacker's ear.

The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they
found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him
up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified
the man so.

"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd
have to give you guys your blowjobs...."

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some asshole's got my pen."

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Ontario. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.

The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

" Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing? "

" Reading a book, " she replies, (thinking " isn 't it obvious? " )

" You ' re in a restricted fishing area, " he informs her.

" I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I ' m reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment. I 'll have to take you in and write you up. "

" If you do that, I ' ll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.

" But I haven ' t even touched you, " says the officer. "

" That ' s true, but you have all the equipment. "

The Officer says, " Have a nice day " ..

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It' s likely she can also think.

__________________

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I'm about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"

__________________
Eudaimonia

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Navarre,

Brave man. You know, of course, that you will be hunted down and hurt for posting those, don't you?

__________________
Eudaimonia

LMAO Navarre. Those are terrific!

BTW, where should we send the flowers?

Moi?
Innocent Moi?

In a trial, in a small town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help
her God.

She says "I do."

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking
problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered
throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail
for contempt. Is that clear?"

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time...” A southern fairytale begins, “ "Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh*t.”