A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line.

Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...
SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ... DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT Booger DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







(insert appropriate name )

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted!

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BIBLE SALES


(If this doesn't make you laugh, just go ahead and close your casket!)


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious

Financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered

Several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.


So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the

Congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.


Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.


The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and

Were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious

Doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to

Himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor

Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the

Minister decided to let him try anyway.


He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked

With bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of

Their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.


Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately

Asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last

Week?"


Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales

Prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected

On behalf of the church."


"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You

Are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."


Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell of the Church

Last week?"


Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a

Professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and

here's $280 I collected."


The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are

Truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."


Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did

You manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the

Minister a large envelope.


The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"

The minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you

Suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in

Just one week?"


Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in

Unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10

Times as many bibles as we could."


"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd

Better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."


Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for

Sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.


Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell

Us what you said to them when they answered the door!"


"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said WA-WA-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would

Y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

J-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to St-St-stand h-h-here and

R-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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DOG DIARY
8:00 am- Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am- A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am- A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am- Got patted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm- Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm- Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm- Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm- Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm- Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.

My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
The Cat!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Joe gets home late one night and his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Joe replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her
head in distain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollars tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want!'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "....These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "....Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

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Truth in humour.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is emotive.

How To Dance In The Rain .......

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.


I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and I decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.


On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.


While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.


I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.


I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said ........


"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."


I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.


With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.


The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is only funny if you know Rugby.


A married couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th
wedding anniversary when the wife says
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it's time I made a confession................before we were married I was a hooker for 8 years. Hubby has a little think to himself and replies...
'My love, you have been such a wonderful wife for ten years it seems crazy that I would hold your past against you......in fact you could probably show me a couple of tricks to spice up our sex life a bit.....
wife says " I don't think you understand.....my name
was Arthur and I played with Parramatta...

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he! says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That'! s nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.


"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' "


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.

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It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

__________________

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is o ne of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.



The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Moms will truly appreciate this one....


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating