A man owned a small farm in Indiana . The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

s. Brooks asks! , 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

This is Amazing!
Forward this message to 5 people ........

AND......
Within 3 minutes.......
























FUCK ALL will happen!

I tried it twice and it worked both times!!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Aviation buffs like me, and perhaps for PF.

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I got this from a friend and thought it was cute ... (Writeen by a mom no doubt) ...

-----

I'm a mom and was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.

''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

The Flight Crew


The airliner pushed back from the gate;

The flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
Information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip
While your captain, Judith Campbell,
And crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'
When the attendant came by with the drink cart
He said, 'Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?'




'Yes,' said the attendant,
'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed,
'I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think
With only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,
'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'



'It's The Box Office.'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things ar en't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy , South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California . There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

Story of our lives!!!


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?'
he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
in his big bowl, and it is also empty. ' Who's been eating my Porridge?' he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence.... listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time:
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!'

I think DB gave us this one a while ago, but it's worth the show again.





Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.


"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f-ck off the car!"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

__________________

That was us a couple of weeks ago.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said,” Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

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This is wrong but funny...

something shared with me by my sister-in-law...

A woman was in town for the Boxing Day sales.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and
a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had
just been reduced to just $5 when her mobile phone rang. It was a
female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she was shopping in
Bourke Street and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more
shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the
rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
beautiful complimentary cake at the last shop. She was jubilant. Then
she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........



































The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

And in the name of religious tolerence, i give you . . . . . .

Attached Images

thinkitthru.jpg (11.3 KB, 69 views)

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating