breaking up/gettin back together
 

me and my current ex have broken up. she says she hates my temper cuz i blow things out of proportion. i offered to go to counseling and such yet she still broke up with me. we were together for 2 years. its been about 4 days since the break up. neither one of us has told anyone and i take that as a sign that we could work things out. we had a priorly scheduled "date" with some friends today so we acted as if we were together. and it went great. during the past 4 days there has been little contact whatsoever. she said she wants some space and that what she wants is for her to know and me to find out. what do i need to do to get her back? just give her the space and ride it out or what?

First, let me say Welcum to Pixies daywalker22!

Lots of questions here. For example...Are you married? Do you live together? Do you own a home? Do you have children? Who moved out? Where did she/you move to? What does your "temper" cause you to do (ie: hit her, throw things, yell and not listen to her...etc.)?

Ya see...it's hard to answer your question in no uncertain terms beings we don't know the circumstances very well. But I'll give it a stab on assumption only!

By your last statement alone, "her to know and me to find out", it sounds to me like she wants you to take a good look at yourself and your relationship with her and try and understand what she may have been trying to say all along, but you wouldn't listen because you let your temper take you out of the situation.

Answer me this...when you are done your rant[s] do you ever look back and remember anything she's said? Or do you just remember that you said what you had to say loud enough to drown her out?

Try getting a book on relationships and how to argue. Dr. Phil writes some pretty good stuff on that subject.

In the meantime, take a breather and look introspectively and see if you can see things from her point of view. To understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes. When you feel comfortable that you've got a better perspective of what she's been trying to get you to see about yourself, go to her and tell her THANK YOU! Then woo the shit out of her and keep up with your own self improvement.

We fall in love with a certain person and then after a while the true person comes out. She might be scared that you have too much hidden anger and only YOU can make that otherwise!

Good luck hun...and keep us posted!

i tend to yell and not listen. we are not married. we do not live together. and no children. i do try to outdue her. anything else just let me know and ill be happy to post.

There's some hidden agenda in her comment and unfortunately I don't know her so I can't begin to tell you what it is.

I can tell you this...If I've ever said, "for me to know and you to find out", I wanted the person I directed the statement to, to try and find out what I meant. But I know it can also mean, "Bug off...I'm not talking to you anymore".

If you do "just give her space"...and you plan and hope to get back together, make sure you do something to better yourself while you are waiting. That is, if you see her point of view and agree that your approach to arguing needs to be tweaked in order to make it more fair and equal for you both to get your points across.

Believe it or not arguing doesn't have to be an "I win" or "she wins" situation. Arguing is a tool used to find a compromise between two opposing points of view. Yelling shouldn't even be a part of it. Calling names and putting her down and not giving her a chance to state her case won't get you anywhere but where you are now. It's an immature approach to what should be a mature situation. Anger never solved an argument. You shouldn't really try to argue if you are so angry that you need to yell. If you wait till you are out of the moment and have calmed down a bit you'll find that you can state your case more precisely and you'll be able to listen to her better when she states her case.

Check the library or book stores for books on how to argue without anger. As I said before, I think Dr. Phil has some books on the subject, but he isn't the only one who's ever written about it. While you are waiting for her to show signs of, or reveal, what it is she wants from your relationship...if anything at all...educate yourself to show her that you understand there is a problem and you are willing to work on it!

Hope this helps and good luck!

I know giving her space will be difficult, but if that's what she needs, then that's the only thing that will help her. Make sure that you take your relationship slowly if you decide to patch things back up.

And it might not hurt to make some new friends while the two of you are apart. Who knows what you will learn about yourself, other people and maybe even her.

i just dont get it......one week we talk about marriage. then the next she dumps me....how can someone shift so quickly?

Only you and/or her can answer that. There are too many missing details that are probably very personal that we aren't aware of.

You are very new to this site and these 3 posts are the only ones we have to go on as far as knowing anything about you.

I highly doubt that after two years together the "shift" came quickly. Something[s] led up to her "dumping" you. I think the straw that broke her back came in the week between talking about marriage and the next week when she "dumped" you. Start there and work your way back through the days, weeks and years and see if you can find a common denominator.

Something spooked her and I have a feeling you can figure it out if you don't already know.

Good Luck!